These comments have spoken to me, and it's nice to know I am not alone. I am moving into a smaller appartment in an old fashioned house (I've come to accept, even like patterned carpets and dark mahogany wood these days!) because my rent has risen once more. I have no private pension coming to me when I retire and that is a while off yet. I have looked into retirement flats, but they are quite expensive and you often have to pay a hefty service charge as well. Unless you have a huge sum of money put by for care, that is another thing to contend with as well. I am a carer myself and this is how I earn my living, so I see the experiences of age related decline and how good food, hydration and care extends quality of life. This should not just be for the privileged in society.
Another factor is that many women entering their seventies now earned far less than their male counterparts for much of their prime earning years.
A very good friend was ‘red circled’ for about a decade (no promotions or raises) because she was theoretically taking a job from a married man with family.
Unspoken policy in the 70s and 80s.
She lives on a very small pension. Somehow she manages.
Fantastic writing and such insight into fear I have for my daughter who will have no partner or children in her old age -it’s a constant fear of mine and I pray daily for her It’s not just a worry for the childless but for their parents This article should be available to all who work in mental health and in financial planning
I have one child and he is significantly disabled. I’ll be his caregiver for the rest of my life. I am single.
I never expected any child of mine to be my caregiver in old age. I also never expected have to provide an enormous amount of care to an adult child for the rest of my life.
There are so many ways we can find ourselves aging without support; and having a child with adult care needs of their own is one that there are no simple answers too… Do you follow @Prajna O'Hara? This is part of her experience too.
Hi Jody, thank you so much for mentioning me and I do write about my experience. I’m going to reach your essay. I understand ‘sagging without support’ and have after 28 years accepting things I never thought I’d be able to. I could say much more, but perhaps your friend will check out my Substack and receive some inspiration and reality. 💜🌹💚
I fled the US in 2011 after a breakup. In Berlin there was a woman with long silver hair that pushed a cart down one of the main drags in my neighborhood. I was so afraid of her specter that I would cross the street to avoid her. She could be me in a few years. Her eyes were vacant. She looked to me like she had done too many drugs and never recovered. After nearly a year in Germany, unable to find enough work, I went back to New York. Broke, with my tail between my legs. My best friend since I was 14 put me up in a very old apartment of a friend of hers who had just died. All of his things were still there, including a tall jar of quarters that kept me through my first days. There were yellow post-its on the one window, with messages from friends who had loved him. They glowed golden during the hour when the light entered through the glass. I was working for my oldest friend, moving her from he interim apartment into a penthouse apartment near the park on the upper west side. I woke in the mornings shaking, terrified about how I had gotten into the state I was in. One day she told me that she had found an old shopping cart and brought it home. Cool! She thought I could put her belongings in the cart and wheel them over to her new penthouse a few blocks away. The cart had one wheel that would not spin the way the other three did. It meant that I had to exert a lot of pressure to get the cart not to careen sideways. At what point did I realize? That this was my possible future. That I was already so close to being a bag lady, and that there might not be a way out? I stopped and sat in a little garden to cry. I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't do the task she was going to pay me for. A woman with a husband, children, money, a business. There was no way for her to understand what it was like to have this close to nothing.
Oh Kara, my heart fucking broke when I got to the end of your beautiful comment and you being utterly unable to do your friend that favour. When you say 'there was no way for her to understand what it was like to have this close to nothing,' I am reminded of the time just after my marriage had broken down, and my then-husband's drug habit had totalled our finances, our business and my income. It was after an Al-Anon meeting I was counting out coppers from a bag of pennies to make up enough to get a cup of tea in a church cafe and someone remarked upon it, calling me 'brave' for paying in that way. She was groomed and upholstered in that comfortably numb middle-class way that had probably been how I had appeared just a few months earlier. And I was so stunned and shamed by her comment that I never went there again! Until poverty is understood as a systemic failing, rather than a personal one, this shit we're all standing in will just get deeper and deeper...
Thank you for your words and I see your Berlin lady and send her my love, wherever she is. 2011 was a very rough year for me too xxx
Oh, thank you. Your post today stirred all of this up again. Now I will have to write about it! I came to AA by way of Alanon. Love the programs. They have saved my ass every time.
I’m taking solace from the fact that there will be 1 in 5 of us ageing without children. My childless/childfree friends keep me going (whilst many of my friends and family who do have children just don’t see me in my situation).
The fears around it arrive early, following hot on the heels of knowing we will tread a different life path. But like many of you, I’ve clocked up traumas and overcome them, I guess ageing without children will be one in a long line.
When I was 35 and had to abort an IVF cycle, I was sobbing down the phone to an older close family friend, who is also childless not by choice, she said to me ‘Look it in the eye, girl.’ It was the most helpful thing said to me and far better than the empty ‘don’t lose hope’ platitudes. That friend is now 83 and her life has always been full of friends and activities. She is inspirational to me, i am not as gregarious as her, but I can take at least one or two lessons from her.
Like you, I think the very first time I had the thought 'Who's going to be there for me when I'm old?' was the very next day after realising/accepting (cognitivity!) that I would never be a mother. It had never come up for me at all before. Which just shows that it's probably there in all of us humans, and the prospect or reality of children (however unlikely the former or reliable the latter) keeps it at bay...
Oh, that dear elderwoman friend of yours, what a treasure she is. And I'm so glad you have childless/free friends too. I went through so much of this without knowing ANYONE else, and I often felt like the only childless woman in the world. Hence creating Gateway Women; if I'd had support, ANY support, I probably wouldn't have done it!
This is incredibly real and something we don't get the space to talk about. My response to this would be an essay of its own. LOL. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. You aren't alone in these thoughts!
Thought I should add to comments, as you have mentioned you receiving less for this particular piece.
I can't speak for others reasons not to, but I don't think it's a subject that is encouraged by others to have. That, in itself is interesting. Another example of how western culture 'others' those without children.
Personally, as someone without children not by choice, in my early 50s, it occupies me more than perhaps I would like to admit. My father is in a care home and I am responsible for looking after his affairs. I wonder who will do this for me, if needed, who will visit me? I don’t currently have answers to these questions.
Childlessness, ageing, money, homelessness, vulnerability, death. It's a surprise really I suppose that anyone engages with me at all, seeing how I'm drawn to write about the things that we're meant to 'gloss over' in the hope that they will happen elsewhere, to someone else. For those of us already tangled up in these or seeing them on the possible horizon, we do not have the luxury of scrolling on by. Doesn't make it any easier to engage with though... And every one of my readers who has the courage to do so has my deepest gratitude.
I've sometimes said that if I had a superpower, it would be: 'Taboo girl' - the one that is irresistibly drawn to the things we aren't meant to discuss!
Thank you Shaz for commenting, I really appreciate your support.
And I send you and your father a big hug. This shit is hard.
Jody, you are pushing the boundaries and bringing taboos out of the shadows again! Love your image of the bag lady, I am always so curious when I encounter a homeless person as to what their story is and how they came to be where they are. It's so tempting to 'other' them, but of course they are us. I haven't fully faced into this fear, but do often find myself contemplating what will happen to me in my later years, if my (older) partner is not around, and particularly if my health declines. Thanks for bringing these courageous conversations out of the closet, this is deeply thought provoking 🤎
Thank you so much for appreciating my excavations! This one was VERY hard to hit publish on. I have a sense that until we 'make friends' with our inner bag lady (and stop 'othering' that part of ourselves), we are less likely to take the potential vulnerabilities of old age seriously, and start preparing ourselves, where possible, for them.
We need our thoughts to be provoked on this, and those without children (and possibly other vulnerabilities too) are the canaries in the coalmines around ageing. And because of that, we can lead the way into a more supported, community-based way to 'do' ageing if we choose.
Or we can continue to avert our gaze to our own, and each other's needs. I know which one I choose!
Thanks as ever Jody for so perfectly articulating this very real fear. A world with Alterkin at its heart is one we increasingly must seek. Always cheering you on xx
Hoping to attend Jody but not sure I have much to offer as participant apart from my experience as carer to a solo elder. You already have a perfectly brilliant panel… happy to remain on the subs bench!
I was hoping you might be able to be in the audience (and chat) and it's great that it sounds like you might. And I think caring for a solo elder is deep experience; it’s what makes so many of us ageing without children sit up and pay attention to what we might need in the future).
Thank you for your support Tess. I really hope you're able to join us as a participant for next Sunday's Fireside Wisdom... I think it'll be a really special one. Big love as always, Jody x
Interesting. I don't find myself worrying about this much, to be honest. I'm 69, childless (choice) and live away from any family. I do worry about not having enough money to fund any time I might need in a care facility. I worry most about my husband of almost 50 years developing cognitive decline because I couldn't handle that and I'm not sure how I would afford 24hour support.
The money worries are real, and many women share them, as there is no 'obvious' solution for them, and the state has repeatedly shown an aversion to funding social care adequately. One of the women on the call next Sunday, @SueFagaldeLick went through exactly the experience you describe with her late-husband Fred, and wrote an outstanding memoir about it called 'No Way Out of This: Loving a Spouse with Alzheimer's' that is not an easy read, but it's incredibly moving and very sobering. So many of us are likely to be placed into tough situations as we age, even if we remain healthy, and I truly believe the only 'insurance' we can develop is to build robust intergenerational local relationships and 'communities of care'. That's what I'm doing and at least it's something I have some agency over... Big hugs x
Pronatalism in politics and the arrogance that supports it is the real problem. We may advocate, appeal, plead...to eternity for greater understanding, neighbourly support, and (for the lucky ones who have good families) the support of extended families, but we will always be at the mercy of other people's goodwill - charity cases - until individual people are recognised as being of intrinsic equal value. There needs to be political recognition that old single childless people cost the exchequer less (we are probably the lowest net beneficiaries of State funding through tax breaks, social welfare supports, the cost of medical care and education, housing, etc).
Having had experience raising this in the political/policy space for a decade in the UK, I have zero hopes of 'political recognition' of either the strengths or vulnerabilities of people ageing without children. This is why I think it's incredibly important we come together in our local communities to create grassroots support for each other, in real life-- because online doesn't walk the dog when you're sick, or bring you hot food when you're healing from a hip replacement. So that's what I'm doing in the tiny, rural Irish community where I live (as a blow-in, moved in 18 months ago), and I'll be writing about it a lot over the next few years!
Alterkin sounds like a brilliant idea, though ideally we wouldn't have to rely on other people for our basic civil rights. Re political support: I take your point, and I've had some negative experiences dealing with politicians and lobby groups purporting to help vulnerable groups (homeless and elderly people) - however, I still live in hope (perhaps naively) that our cohort will some day gain political support, just like disabled people, gays and animals. I'm old enough to remember when people laughed about disabilities and openly expressed hostile attitudes towards gay people. Re animals: sadly their best human allies were the boomers and Gen X, the hippies and punks who turned vegetarian out of concern for our fellow sentient beings.
Like you, I'm hoping for support/recognition from society/government. But my experience has shown me to plan for its absence! If I end up with too much support, I'll deal with it :)
Beautiful writing as always, bearing some brutal truths. My mother is 83, teetering on not being able to live alone, and I cannot upend my life to care for her. She has made so many alienating decisions, she has a minimal amount of support that’s readily available. My heart breaks as this is not the life I want for her, but as someone who has spent the last decade building my own community, I choose to put myself first as I navigate living with Parkinson’s.
So even when you have children, nothing is guaranteed.
Oh Eileen, that's so hard for you to bear, and the pain of having a narc parent is the toxic gift that just keeps on giving...
Indeed, relying on children to be there in old age is the default unconscious position for many parents and, as you write, is by no means an cast-iron assurance that this will be the case. If you have children, they might predecease you, they might have adult care needs or vulnerabilities of their own, they might be incarcerated, estranged or live too far away to help. Queer people have been leading the way (as ever) in creating chosen families and communities and, as your experience shows, and I'm finding, it's a slow, delicate and deliberate process to create one.
It is all that, and really, it never ends, because those ties we create with others are always changing - people change, as do their circumstances, and we can't expect our relationships to stay static. Constant tending, and maintenance of our existing relationships is half the equation, and keeping ourselves open to forming new ones is the other half. It isn't easy.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece Jody. I too relate to the worries of losing what I've saved and becoming like the bag lady. For me, it's the social isolation which destroys my spirit. Yes I have many 'friends' and 'acquaintances' to enjoy activities with, but I'm also reminded of the fact that I'm mostly the one who returns home alone to an empty flat. It's excruciating, and I worry that if I feel like this at 50, then it may feel a lot worse later in life.
I'm so looking forward to your Solo Elderhood webinar next Sunday. I know it'll top up my cup again xx
That 'returning home to an empty flat' feeling is one that millions of other women will share; yes, it's lovely to have the luxury of a quiet, safe home, but it doesn't feed our soul. And as we age, we know it may be unsafe. Humans are tribal creatures, we're not meant to be alone. Not that I'm fantasising about some perfect time to be human, or that living in an extended clan would be perfect either (people are complicated; there's a reason why living alone is good too!)
The challenge now is for us each to create ways to live interdependently with our neighbours and other geographically close acquaintances and doing that is going to require a shift in both thinking and behaviour around the issues facing (or potentially facing) those ageing without children (and often partners too). I'm at the very beginning of doing something like this in my own rural Irish neighbourhood, and it's slow, uncomfortable, vulnerable conversation-by-conversation work, about as far removed from the fast-pasted results-now society we've created as I could imagine... I am confident you could start doing the same too dear Heather x
I agree Jody, and it's certainly a slow burn. So much so, I wonder if we'll be able to tap into the benefits of this work within our lifetime. But one can keep trying x
I'm 10 years older than you, and I'm already finding it supportive. I will certainly be tapping into it, as I'm creating the support I need for both myself and others! Step one, as you and I have discussed, is to choose your location. And where you are is just fine to get going, and a lot better than many others!
Thank you for sharing the gamut of emotions for those of us who relate to the many aspects you mention. I share many of the fears, particularly the prospect of being alone when I die, though I do not fear death itself. I love how you met your bag lady, I think mine might be a survivor too and i love how she cares about the generation of women following her. Thank you for pointing out the caring for family members role many of us undertake. The near levitation with a routine pap smear did etch a smile on my dial, and for future reference, I highly recommend the DYI swab ... far more comfortable.🙏😊
Single, childless daughters are often the 'default carers' in family systems, often without any recognition of how this may increase their systemic vulnerability in later life. We need to start having some hard conversations in families about how this might be offset within the family system at a later date, either by inheritance or a commitment from siblings and siblings that they will step up when needed.
These comments have spoken to me, and it's nice to know I am not alone. I am moving into a smaller appartment in an old fashioned house (I've come to accept, even like patterned carpets and dark mahogany wood these days!) because my rent has risen once more. I have no private pension coming to me when I retire and that is a while off yet. I have looked into retirement flats, but they are quite expensive and you often have to pay a hefty service charge as well. Unless you have a huge sum of money put by for care, that is another thing to contend with as well. I am a carer myself and this is how I earn my living, so I see the experiences of age related decline and how good food, hydration and care extends quality of life. This should not just be for the privileged in society.
Another factor is that many women entering their seventies now earned far less than their male counterparts for much of their prime earning years.
A very good friend was ‘red circled’ for about a decade (no promotions or raises) because she was theoretically taking a job from a married man with family.
Unspoken policy in the 70s and 80s.
She lives on a very small pension. Somehow she manages.
She’s not alone.
Fantastic writing and such insight into fear I have for my daughter who will have no partner or children in her old age -it’s a constant fear of mine and I pray daily for her It’s not just a worry for the childless but for their parents This article should be available to all who work in mental health and in financial planning
I have one child and he is significantly disabled. I’ll be his caregiver for the rest of my life. I am single.
I never expected any child of mine to be my caregiver in old age. I also never expected have to provide an enormous amount of care to an adult child for the rest of my life.
Thanks for the referral.
There are so many ways we can find ourselves aging without support; and having a child with adult care needs of their own is one that there are no simple answers too… Do you follow @Prajna O'Hara? This is part of her experience too.
Hi Jody, thank you so much for mentioning me and I do write about my experience. I’m going to reach your essay. I understand ‘sagging without support’ and have after 28 years accepting things I never thought I’d be able to. I could say much more, but perhaps your friend will check out my Substack and receive some inspiration and reality. 💜🌹💚
I fled the US in 2011 after a breakup. In Berlin there was a woman with long silver hair that pushed a cart down one of the main drags in my neighborhood. I was so afraid of her specter that I would cross the street to avoid her. She could be me in a few years. Her eyes were vacant. She looked to me like she had done too many drugs and never recovered. After nearly a year in Germany, unable to find enough work, I went back to New York. Broke, with my tail between my legs. My best friend since I was 14 put me up in a very old apartment of a friend of hers who had just died. All of his things were still there, including a tall jar of quarters that kept me through my first days. There were yellow post-its on the one window, with messages from friends who had loved him. They glowed golden during the hour when the light entered through the glass. I was working for my oldest friend, moving her from he interim apartment into a penthouse apartment near the park on the upper west side. I woke in the mornings shaking, terrified about how I had gotten into the state I was in. One day she told me that she had found an old shopping cart and brought it home. Cool! She thought I could put her belongings in the cart and wheel them over to her new penthouse a few blocks away. The cart had one wheel that would not spin the way the other three did. It meant that I had to exert a lot of pressure to get the cart not to careen sideways. At what point did I realize? That this was my possible future. That I was already so close to being a bag lady, and that there might not be a way out? I stopped and sat in a little garden to cry. I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't do the task she was going to pay me for. A woman with a husband, children, money, a business. There was no way for her to understand what it was like to have this close to nothing.
Oh Kara, my heart fucking broke when I got to the end of your beautiful comment and you being utterly unable to do your friend that favour. When you say 'there was no way for her to understand what it was like to have this close to nothing,' I am reminded of the time just after my marriage had broken down, and my then-husband's drug habit had totalled our finances, our business and my income. It was after an Al-Anon meeting I was counting out coppers from a bag of pennies to make up enough to get a cup of tea in a church cafe and someone remarked upon it, calling me 'brave' for paying in that way. She was groomed and upholstered in that comfortably numb middle-class way that had probably been how I had appeared just a few months earlier. And I was so stunned and shamed by her comment that I never went there again! Until poverty is understood as a systemic failing, rather than a personal one, this shit we're all standing in will just get deeper and deeper...
Thank you for your words and I see your Berlin lady and send her my love, wherever she is. 2011 was a very rough year for me too xxx
Oh, thank you. Your post today stirred all of this up again. Now I will have to write about it! I came to AA by way of Alanon. Love the programs. They have saved my ass every time.
Our whole society is built on addiction; I think everyone could do with a 'meeting'! x
I’m taking solace from the fact that there will be 1 in 5 of us ageing without children. My childless/childfree friends keep me going (whilst many of my friends and family who do have children just don’t see me in my situation).
The fears around it arrive early, following hot on the heels of knowing we will tread a different life path. But like many of you, I’ve clocked up traumas and overcome them, I guess ageing without children will be one in a long line.
When I was 35 and had to abort an IVF cycle, I was sobbing down the phone to an older close family friend, who is also childless not by choice, she said to me ‘Look it in the eye, girl.’ It was the most helpful thing said to me and far better than the empty ‘don’t lose hope’ platitudes. That friend is now 83 and her life has always been full of friends and activities. She is inspirational to me, i am not as gregarious as her, but I can take at least one or two lessons from her.
Like you, I think the very first time I had the thought 'Who's going to be there for me when I'm old?' was the very next day after realising/accepting (cognitivity!) that I would never be a mother. It had never come up for me at all before. Which just shows that it's probably there in all of us humans, and the prospect or reality of children (however unlikely the former or reliable the latter) keeps it at bay...
Oh, that dear elderwoman friend of yours, what a treasure she is. And I'm so glad you have childless/free friends too. I went through so much of this without knowing ANYONE else, and I often felt like the only childless woman in the world. Hence creating Gateway Women; if I'd had support, ANY support, I probably wouldn't have done it!
Sending love; we can do this - together x
There has to be a sisterhood in this 😍
You're part of it xx
Thank you, Jody. It sure is!
This is incredibly real and something we don't get the space to talk about. My response to this would be an essay of its own. LOL. Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. You aren't alone in these thoughts!
As a huge fan of your work (and YOU) I would love you to respond with an essay!
On it. :)
Thought I should add to comments, as you have mentioned you receiving less for this particular piece.
I can't speak for others reasons not to, but I don't think it's a subject that is encouraged by others to have. That, in itself is interesting. Another example of how western culture 'others' those without children.
Personally, as someone without children not by choice, in my early 50s, it occupies me more than perhaps I would like to admit. My father is in a care home and I am responsible for looking after his affairs. I wonder who will do this for me, if needed, who will visit me? I don’t currently have answers to these questions.
Thanks for writing it.
Childlessness, ageing, money, homelessness, vulnerability, death. It's a surprise really I suppose that anyone engages with me at all, seeing how I'm drawn to write about the things that we're meant to 'gloss over' in the hope that they will happen elsewhere, to someone else. For those of us already tangled up in these or seeing them on the possible horizon, we do not have the luxury of scrolling on by. Doesn't make it any easier to engage with though... And every one of my readers who has the courage to do so has my deepest gratitude.
I've sometimes said that if I had a superpower, it would be: 'Taboo girl' - the one that is irresistibly drawn to the things we aren't meant to discuss!
Thank you Shaz for commenting, I really appreciate your support.
And I send you and your father a big hug. This shit is hard.
Jody, you are pushing the boundaries and bringing taboos out of the shadows again! Love your image of the bag lady, I am always so curious when I encounter a homeless person as to what their story is and how they came to be where they are. It's so tempting to 'other' them, but of course they are us. I haven't fully faced into this fear, but do often find myself contemplating what will happen to me in my later years, if my (older) partner is not around, and particularly if my health declines. Thanks for bringing these courageous conversations out of the closet, this is deeply thought provoking 🤎
Thank you so much for appreciating my excavations! This one was VERY hard to hit publish on. I have a sense that until we 'make friends' with our inner bag lady (and stop 'othering' that part of ourselves), we are less likely to take the potential vulnerabilities of old age seriously, and start preparing ourselves, where possible, for them.
We need our thoughts to be provoked on this, and those without children (and possibly other vulnerabilities too) are the canaries in the coalmines around ageing. And because of that, we can lead the way into a more supported, community-based way to 'do' ageing if we choose.
Or we can continue to avert our gaze to our own, and each other's needs. I know which one I choose!
Thanks as ever Jody for so perfectly articulating this very real fear. A world with Alterkin at its heart is one we increasingly must seek. Always cheering you on xx
Hoping to attend Jody but not sure I have much to offer as participant apart from my experience as carer to a solo elder. You already have a perfectly brilliant panel… happy to remain on the subs bench!
I was hoping you might be able to be in the audience (and chat) and it's great that it sounds like you might. And I think caring for a solo elder is deep experience; it’s what makes so many of us ageing without children sit up and pay attention to what we might need in the future).
Thank you for your support Tess. I really hope you're able to join us as a participant for next Sunday's Fireside Wisdom... I think it'll be a really special one. Big love as always, Jody x
Interesting. I don't find myself worrying about this much, to be honest. I'm 69, childless (choice) and live away from any family. I do worry about not having enough money to fund any time I might need in a care facility. I worry most about my husband of almost 50 years developing cognitive decline because I couldn't handle that and I'm not sure how I would afford 24hour support.
The money worries are real, and many women share them, as there is no 'obvious' solution for them, and the state has repeatedly shown an aversion to funding social care adequately. One of the women on the call next Sunday, @SueFagaldeLick went through exactly the experience you describe with her late-husband Fred, and wrote an outstanding memoir about it called 'No Way Out of This: Loving a Spouse with Alzheimer's' that is not an easy read, but it's incredibly moving and very sobering. So many of us are likely to be placed into tough situations as we age, even if we remain healthy, and I truly believe the only 'insurance' we can develop is to build robust intergenerational local relationships and 'communities of care'. That's what I'm doing and at least it's something I have some agency over... Big hugs x
Pronatalism in politics and the arrogance that supports it is the real problem. We may advocate, appeal, plead...to eternity for greater understanding, neighbourly support, and (for the lucky ones who have good families) the support of extended families, but we will always be at the mercy of other people's goodwill - charity cases - until individual people are recognised as being of intrinsic equal value. There needs to be political recognition that old single childless people cost the exchequer less (we are probably the lowest net beneficiaries of State funding through tax breaks, social welfare supports, the cost of medical care and education, housing, etc).
Having had experience raising this in the political/policy space for a decade in the UK, I have zero hopes of 'political recognition' of either the strengths or vulnerabilities of people ageing without children. This is why I think it's incredibly important we come together in our local communities to create grassroots support for each other, in real life-- because online doesn't walk the dog when you're sick, or bring you hot food when you're healing from a hip replacement. So that's what I'm doing in the tiny, rural Irish community where I live (as a blow-in, moved in 18 months ago), and I'll be writing about it a lot over the next few years!
Alterkin sounds like a brilliant idea, though ideally we wouldn't have to rely on other people for our basic civil rights. Re political support: I take your point, and I've had some negative experiences dealing with politicians and lobby groups purporting to help vulnerable groups (homeless and elderly people) - however, I still live in hope (perhaps naively) that our cohort will some day gain political support, just like disabled people, gays and animals. I'm old enough to remember when people laughed about disabilities and openly expressed hostile attitudes towards gay people. Re animals: sadly their best human allies were the boomers and Gen X, the hippies and punks who turned vegetarian out of concern for our fellow sentient beings.
Like you, I'm hoping for support/recognition from society/government. But my experience has shown me to plan for its absence! If I end up with too much support, I'll deal with it :)
Beautiful writing as always, bearing some brutal truths. My mother is 83, teetering on not being able to live alone, and I cannot upend my life to care for her. She has made so many alienating decisions, she has a minimal amount of support that’s readily available. My heart breaks as this is not the life I want for her, but as someone who has spent the last decade building my own community, I choose to put myself first as I navigate living with Parkinson’s.
So even when you have children, nothing is guaranteed.
Oh Eileen, that's so hard for you to bear, and the pain of having a narc parent is the toxic gift that just keeps on giving...
Indeed, relying on children to be there in old age is the default unconscious position for many parents and, as you write, is by no means an cast-iron assurance that this will be the case. If you have children, they might predecease you, they might have adult care needs or vulnerabilities of their own, they might be incarcerated, estranged or live too far away to help. Queer people have been leading the way (as ever) in creating chosen families and communities and, as your experience shows, and I'm finding, it's a slow, delicate and deliberate process to create one.
It is all that, and really, it never ends, because those ties we create with others are always changing - people change, as do their circumstances, and we can't expect our relationships to stay static. Constant tending, and maintenance of our existing relationships is half the equation, and keeping ourselves open to forming new ones is the other half. It isn't easy.
Thank you for this thoughtful piece Jody. I too relate to the worries of losing what I've saved and becoming like the bag lady. For me, it's the social isolation which destroys my spirit. Yes I have many 'friends' and 'acquaintances' to enjoy activities with, but I'm also reminded of the fact that I'm mostly the one who returns home alone to an empty flat. It's excruciating, and I worry that if I feel like this at 50, then it may feel a lot worse later in life.
I'm so looking forward to your Solo Elderhood webinar next Sunday. I know it'll top up my cup again xx
That 'returning home to an empty flat' feeling is one that millions of other women will share; yes, it's lovely to have the luxury of a quiet, safe home, but it doesn't feed our soul. And as we age, we know it may be unsafe. Humans are tribal creatures, we're not meant to be alone. Not that I'm fantasising about some perfect time to be human, or that living in an extended clan would be perfect either (people are complicated; there's a reason why living alone is good too!)
The challenge now is for us each to create ways to live interdependently with our neighbours and other geographically close acquaintances and doing that is going to require a shift in both thinking and behaviour around the issues facing (or potentially facing) those ageing without children (and often partners too). I'm at the very beginning of doing something like this in my own rural Irish neighbourhood, and it's slow, uncomfortable, vulnerable conversation-by-conversation work, about as far removed from the fast-pasted results-now society we've created as I could imagine... I am confident you could start doing the same too dear Heather x
I agree Jody, and it's certainly a slow burn. So much so, I wonder if we'll be able to tap into the benefits of this work within our lifetime. But one can keep trying x
I'm 10 years older than you, and I'm already finding it supportive. I will certainly be tapping into it, as I'm creating the support I need for both myself and others! Step one, as you and I have discussed, is to choose your location. And where you are is just fine to get going, and a lot better than many others!
Thank you for sharing the gamut of emotions for those of us who relate to the many aspects you mention. I share many of the fears, particularly the prospect of being alone when I die, though I do not fear death itself. I love how you met your bag lady, I think mine might be a survivor too and i love how she cares about the generation of women following her. Thank you for pointing out the caring for family members role many of us undertake. The near levitation with a routine pap smear did etch a smile on my dial, and for future reference, I highly recommend the DYI swab ... far more comfortable.🙏😊
Yes, thank you Jodie, l have read the article you cite. I totally agree re the necessity of hard conversations - with family and community. 💜🙏🏼😊
Single, childless daughters are often the 'default carers' in family systems, often without any recognition of how this may increase their systemic vulnerability in later life. We need to start having some hard conversations in families about how this might be offset within the family system at a later date, either by inheritance or a commitment from siblings and siblings that they will step up when needed.
Pronatalism 'says' that single, childless women have no value, and this can feed into the way childless carers own needs can be overlooked - both at the time and later. I wrote about that here: https://jodyday.substack.com/p/its-not-like-shes-got-anything-else