Thank you for this essay, Jody. These words of yours, "the part of her that has never stopped considering my body to be an extension of hers, and thus to be monitored at all times" jumped out at me, and your essay hooked me. With a 92 year old mother with dementia who is only 18 years older than me, I finally have a reprieve from her "owning" me, now there are no more critiques, just grateful acceptance. She always wanted to live vicariously through me, because her own life was so awful, and so now, ironically, she owns me, because I must take care of her. As an only surviving child of this woman who wanted several and lost 2 stillborns after me, there is no escaping my singularity in her life. She has no more extended family. As a survivor of the Holocaust she is a first-person witness who is part of a dwindling group. Her memories are now mine, even though I come by them too late, and there are no more details to be gleaned from her broken mind. Like you, I feel resentment has morphed into deep compassion. I also connect with your words about being "safer to approach her" due to the dementia. My mother became schizophrenic when I reached adulthood, and her illness made me wish I could disappear form her life -- I wanted her gone, she was that emotionally destructive. Dementia has redefined how I feel about her.
My mother is 76 and has dementia too. It is a heartbreaking disease.. My siblings and I have found ourselves grappling with our childhood since her diagnosis in 2020. To make it worse, our father is her caretaker, bringing us more issues. Like you are experiencing, we are also seeing a very sweet and gentle mother on the good days. We have a rule to keep the bad memories from swallowing us up-every time we have session of talking about our frustrations and past hurts, we bring up a happy memory about them at the end of the call. It's brought us immense relief. Thinking of you.
Thanks for sharing. This is hard to read when it mirrors so much of my relationship with my grandmother who took on the responsibility that my mother chose not to. But history of trying to raise a child with no resources had repeated between them. But the irony for caring for a parent with dementia is that you become and are the mother. Those caring skills instinctively kick in.
So beautiful Jody. Thank you for sharing this. My mother was always encouraging and never critical and it makes me realise how blessed I was for that, even though my childhood was full of fear because of an alcoholic father.
My mother, sadly had dementia (Alzheimers) too, also starting in her early 70's. So many people seem to in these days of longer lives and polluted environments. I recognise the descriptions you give about how your mum appears and how she can be receptive at times. It is all too sad, and my mum eventually did not recognise her children although I could see her trying so so hard to work out who I was and what I was saying.
I am so glad that you are able to reach some sort of equanimity with your mother before she dies.
Thank you Jody. Your posts on your mother/daughter dynamic always resonate so much with me and you write about it so beautifully. My own mother/daughter relationship continues to be a painful journey for me but at least now I have an understanding of how truly awful and damaging my experience was and have the courage to articulate it. Through that process self compassion has also made an appearance. And the shift is thanks to amazing people like you who help to others to learn, grow and heal. X X
Jody that was such a profoundly moving article it bought tears to my eyes. The mother daughter bond is such a complex, multifaceted thing. No one can wound you like the woman who gives you life. You can chase her approval all your life, and still feel like you are not good enough. I love the way you describe her, her physicality, her cruelty juxtaposed with a freshly found tenderness. And yet, you are learning now at this juncture how to understand this woman, shaped and formed by her own painful experiences. Sometimes people pass the pain on - they can't help it. Iove the photos. Your mother can't be all bad Jody, she made you and you hold so much beauty in your soul. X
Jody, I can certainly relate. Though never diagnosed, I'm certain my late mother suffered from BPD. I always stayed in touch with her, but like you through the safe distance of both space and time. I do wish I had reached a point, as you seemed to, where I could resist being triggered. I was able to do so, but only inconsistently. It seems like I had to wait for her passing to face the reality and the trauma of the last 60 years. Thank you for sharing something so personal. It's come as a bit of a shock to me how many people had to face similar or worse circumstances as children.
Phew! Jody you’ve done it again. Written an emotive, on point piece that resonates so darned sharp I can feel the blade. Me and my mother - right there. Amazing. Thank you 🙏 I feel for you, I really do. Sending love Trish x
Thank you for this essay, Jody. These words of yours, "the part of her that has never stopped considering my body to be an extension of hers, and thus to be monitored at all times" jumped out at me, and your essay hooked me. With a 92 year old mother with dementia who is only 18 years older than me, I finally have a reprieve from her "owning" me, now there are no more critiques, just grateful acceptance. She always wanted to live vicariously through me, because her own life was so awful, and so now, ironically, she owns me, because I must take care of her. As an only surviving child of this woman who wanted several and lost 2 stillborns after me, there is no escaping my singularity in her life. She has no more extended family. As a survivor of the Holocaust she is a first-person witness who is part of a dwindling group. Her memories are now mine, even though I come by them too late, and there are no more details to be gleaned from her broken mind. Like you, I feel resentment has morphed into deep compassion. I also connect with your words about being "safer to approach her" due to the dementia. My mother became schizophrenic when I reached adulthood, and her illness made me wish I could disappear form her life -- I wanted her gone, she was that emotionally destructive. Dementia has redefined how I feel about her.
My mother is 76 and has dementia too. It is a heartbreaking disease.. My siblings and I have found ourselves grappling with our childhood since her diagnosis in 2020. To make it worse, our father is her caretaker, bringing us more issues. Like you are experiencing, we are also seeing a very sweet and gentle mother on the good days. We have a rule to keep the bad memories from swallowing us up-every time we have session of talking about our frustrations and past hurts, we bring up a happy memory about them at the end of the call. It's brought us immense relief. Thinking of you.
Beautiful, poignant, raw and honest. Thanks for sharing Jody
Thanks for sharing. This is hard to read when it mirrors so much of my relationship with my grandmother who took on the responsibility that my mother chose not to. But history of trying to raise a child with no resources had repeated between them. But the irony for caring for a parent with dementia is that you become and are the mother. Those caring skills instinctively kick in.
Thank you for this! I just moved my mom into memory care in November and am going through a similar experience.
So beautiful Jody. Thank you for sharing this. My mother was always encouraging and never critical and it makes me realise how blessed I was for that, even though my childhood was full of fear because of an alcoholic father.
My mother, sadly had dementia (Alzheimers) too, also starting in her early 70's. So many people seem to in these days of longer lives and polluted environments. I recognise the descriptions you give about how your mum appears and how she can be receptive at times. It is all too sad, and my mum eventually did not recognise her children although I could see her trying so so hard to work out who I was and what I was saying.
I am so glad that you are able to reach some sort of equanimity with your mother before she dies.
Lesley
Beautiful piece which resonates with me, I feel for you and what you're going through at this time, sending love ❤
Beautiful piece. ❤️
Lovely that you could get to this place with your mother and I think with yourself. Foot enamored lover - good for you! ❤️
Thank you Jody. Your posts on your mother/daughter dynamic always resonate so much with me and you write about it so beautifully. My own mother/daughter relationship continues to be a painful journey for me but at least now I have an understanding of how truly awful and damaging my experience was and have the courage to articulate it. Through that process self compassion has also made an appearance. And the shift is thanks to amazing people like you who help to others to learn, grow and heal. X X
Jody that was such a profoundly moving article it bought tears to my eyes. The mother daughter bond is such a complex, multifaceted thing. No one can wound you like the woman who gives you life. You can chase her approval all your life, and still feel like you are not good enough. I love the way you describe her, her physicality, her cruelty juxtaposed with a freshly found tenderness. And yet, you are learning now at this juncture how to understand this woman, shaped and formed by her own painful experiences. Sometimes people pass the pain on - they can't help it. Iove the photos. Your mother can't be all bad Jody, she made you and you hold so much beauty in your soul. X
Jody, I can certainly relate. Though never diagnosed, I'm certain my late mother suffered from BPD. I always stayed in touch with her, but like you through the safe distance of both space and time. I do wish I had reached a point, as you seemed to, where I could resist being triggered. I was able to do so, but only inconsistently. It seems like I had to wait for her passing to face the reality and the trauma of the last 60 years. Thank you for sharing something so personal. It's come as a bit of a shock to me how many people had to face similar or worse circumstances as children.
Phew! Jody you’ve done it again. Written an emotive, on point piece that resonates so darned sharp I can feel the blade. Me and my mother - right there. Amazing. Thank you 🙏 I feel for you, I really do. Sending love Trish x