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justmeandlilley's avatar

Phew! Jody you’ve done it again. Written an emotive, on point piece that resonates so darned sharp I can feel the blade. Me and my mother - right there. Amazing. Thank you 🙏 I feel for you, I really do. Sending love Trish x

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ZELIGOVA's avatar

Thank you for this essay, Jody. These words of yours, "the part of her that has never stopped considering my body to be an extension of hers, and thus to be monitored at all times" jumped out at me, and your essay hooked me. With a 92 year old mother with dementia who is only 18 years older than me, I finally have a reprieve from her "owning" me, now there are no more critiques, just grateful acceptance. She always wanted to live vicariously through me, because her own life was so awful, and so now, ironically, she owns me, because I must take care of her. As an only surviving child of this woman who wanted several and lost 2 stillborns after me, there is no escaping my singularity in her life. She has no more extended family. As a survivor of the Holocaust she is a first-person witness who is part of a dwindling group. Her memories are now mine, even though I come by them too late, and there are no more details to be gleaned from her broken mind. Like you, I feel resentment has morphed into deep compassion. I also connect with your words about being "safer to approach her" due to the dementia. My mother became schizophrenic when I reached adulthood, and her illness made me wish I could disappear form her life -- I wanted her gone, she was that emotionally destructive. Dementia has redefined how I feel about her.

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