It was caring for my mother that made me less concerned about aging without children.
By pure chance, I was about as well-placed (practically speaking) as it’s possible for a daughter looking after her elderly parents to be. And it was a stressful slog of mental and physical overload (I was working less than full-time and even that was a struggle sometimes).
But it made me realise that if I need day to day care when I’m old, then I won’t be in a terribly different position from people with children. As far as I can tell, the majority of elderly people don’t have a single, childless daughter living right next door and with a very flexible, decently paid job that she can do entirely remotely and fit around a myriad of medical appointments, errands, housework etc.
And even if they do have a child who is placed as I was, there is a real limit to the care that such a child, being a non-professional caregiver, can provide (unless you want them to quit their job and/ or work themselves to burnout, I guess).
Once you need daily help with the basic tasks of living then IMO it’s unlikely that you will be able to rely entirely on your children to assist. We’re all vulnerable in old age and we all need good social services and community.
So I’m focusing on living a good life, and on my health, finances and community. The rest is out of my hands, as it is for everyone. Kia kaha xx
"health, finances and community" are key, absolutely. The first and second are often impacted by luck/privilege... but community... community is something we can intentionally create for ourselves, and others. That's what I'll be focusing on for the next decade of my life - investing, creating, nurturing community in my local area.
“That's what I'll be focusing on for the next decade of my life - investing, creating, nurturing community in my local area.” That’s beautiful Jody, your local area is lucky to have you, as is your online community! And yes, I agree, health and finances are a matter of luck/ privilege. Thanks for your kind words, sending love back x
I feel so seen! Although I also am having the opposite experience at the same time, where people, including family, find it abhorrent I'd choose to care over my career and life, and that's equally weird. Anyway, after 3 years, I'm burnt out, and Mum may have to go into a home, because, I can't be a village. It all feels so all or nothing. At 42 ( and tired, and single) I've kinda given up on having kids. Having a weighty responsibility of another's wellbeing has been a formative experience in many positive ways, the way hard things often are. But it's also left me really worried about becoming old and lonely, and poor. I'm so glad and grateful to discover the work you're doing here and already feel solidarity and empowerment in a sense of coming together. Thank you.
Dear Jessica - this sounds like a really hard time for both you and your mum. And you're right, you can't 'be a village' and the burn out from trying is something so many other carers will recognise... I'm so sorry that having children doesn't seem likely... have you had the time/energy to explore other areas of my work with Gateway Women that might support you with that? (Particularly our private online community; you'll find other childless carers there too). It's never too early to start thinking about planning for our old age, and what kind of supportive community we want to live in, other than a biological family which (as you know) can only do so much, particularly when only one person is stepping up... Do come along (if you can) to the webinar I'm hosting next week, Caring for the Caregiver - all my guests are older childless women who have given/recieved care and, like you and me, have no children to possibly return that care when we are old.
This is such an important topic. I appreciate the naming of things here that otherwise live in the subconscious, and yet drive our formal policy and our informal expectations of women as caregivers, from “pronatalism” to “the tightrope generation” to “terror management theory.” A must-read for all, as we must all confront illness and death, sooner or later, and the question of who will care.
Thank you for appreciating the many layers of my thinking and research woven through this piece... there are so many of us, non-parents and parents alike, who are sleepwalking into a crisis of care... whether it be for someone we love, or our own...
The response I often get in the general conversation when raising my concerns around aging without children is a kneejerk one: I’m immediately informed that “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old.” As if my silly little childess self somehow just couldn’t figure that out!
I’ll then point out that having children is not an outright loss of having someone to care for you when aging either. I also make sure to inform that having no solid guarantee of something and an outright loss of something are two entirely different things.
While there is a lot at play here, I suspect one key function of the “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old” lecture is as another dismissal amid a long line of baseless narratives designed to leave voices without children out of the human conversation. Because as you articulated so well and thoroughly Jody, the evidence and numbers don’t in anyway support these downplays!
One of the most consistent observations I’ve gathered from my ten years as a childless person is people’s discomfort with the idea of not having children, and in particular childlessness, being a care eliciting station in life on any level.
The parental caregiving situation in my own family is so far balanced and reasonable. With me currently living out of state and my brother living about fifteen minutes from my parents, he has accepted and taken on the preliminary tasks of assisting them with some needs as they age. I’m ready and fully willing to do my part once it’s more needed, and as I can with my own chronic health condition to manage and accommodate. Time will tell, but as of now I feel there’s this unspoken understanding that my brother has gotten more out of my parents than I have. This is no one’s ‘fault’, of course, however my parents have been instrumental and very present in my nephew’s (my brother’s son) life through the years. While my Mom has provided genuine interest and committed emotional support throughout infertility and involuntary childlessness, even parents with the best of intentions are quite limited in how they can support their childless children. In short, they and my brother share the lived experience of parenthood. Whereas I do not and have had to figure out the life I’ve been dealt mostly on my own. So I don’t in any way feel, or have as of yet been made to feel, as though I somehow owe the family something or have something to compensate for. From what I understand this is an unfortunately rare situation.
Dear Sarah - sorry that I missed this comment when you left it. On Substack I'm in the delightful position (gasp!) of having almost too many thoughtful, intelligent comments to respond to by people who've ACTUALLY READ THE ESSAY than I can keep up with!
It's interesting how common and automatic the bingo of 'Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old,” comes up. Once again, it's like our very presence is a stone in the shoe of those with children, and reminds them of a very human fear (which they share, even as parents) of who will be there for us when we are vulnerable. Our presence reminds them that there are no guarantees, which we know, because we don't have that shaky guarantee to unconsciously ward off our very human and relatable fears. And yes, the data definitely leans towards children 'being there' more than 90% of the time... but as to whether that will turn out to be a good thing for them rather depends on all the messy human and structural factors involved. Families are hard. Parenting is hard. Humaning is hard. Ageing is hard. And so is childlessness. We're all in this together, that's the point... one that capitalism and its ally, the very modern and dysfunctional nuclear family unit, has done it's best to explode... (I think it's probably best if I stop there... I'm not sure if the steam is coming out of my ears or the computer... )
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
Dear Sue, I am currently reading your book (ahead of publication in June) "No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimers" and it is so brilliant and moving, and I so appreciate your wisdom and experience as part of our Fireside Wisdom sessions. I think those of us who have had some experience or witnessing of care / eldercare know how multi-faceted it is, from the banal to the life-threatening, and worrying who will be there to hold that space for us when there is no 'obvious' answer can indeed be very scary. I hope that together we can identify those 'non obvious' answers! Big love, Jody x
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
Oh sweetie, I can feel your shock from here, vibrating between the lines of unspoken words. I really hope that you can join us for the 'Caring for the Caregivers' webinar and that perhaps together, ALL OF US, can find the words to speak up for childless caregivers... Big hugs xxx
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
Hi Jane - it sounds like you really did so much for your mum... and it can be hard when others who perhaps have not known them when they were younger and perhaps not so 'angelic' don't know what wounds we might be silently carrying...
And with regard to the word 'Spinster', it is having somewhat of a revival... as it should... it's only the female version of 'bachelor' and to push back against it being a shameful word is important work! Have you read Donna Ward's BRILLIANT memoir 'She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life'? I interviewed her about her book here, and she is also a regular panellist on my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions:
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for your praise; from a writer of your quality, that means a lot! And an even BIGGER thank you for seeing this is a call to examine your own biases rather than (as many parents unfortunately do) to become defensive and dismissive towards those who are, or will be, ageing without children. This is an issue that impacts us all, and our children too, if we have them; it's not niche, and it's not 'being hysterical' (as I've also been told!) x
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
I love your paraphrasing of Emma Kenway's words at the end "As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!" I have her book on order to read when I get back from my hols next week, thanks to your championing of her work on your Substack. I will check out Anna De La Cruz's article. I, like you, no longer imagine that legislative change is the answer... the problem is simply too big, unwieldy and expensive for any neoliberal economy to grapple with... and like you I think we can find ways to support each other through community and connection. Maybe I'm a crazy optimist, but I'm in good company, and my work has already created a lot of change in the narratives/connections around childlessness these last 13 years... Sending love to you and your Mum right now and hope to catch up whenever that works for you both. Hugs, Jody x
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
My dear Chantal - I feel and honour your sadness and your anger! Had I lived in the same country as my mother, and had she not been married to a good, kind and caring man, no doubt the same would have been expected of me - and I would probably have done so, even though she was often cruel and neglectful towards me! As to your second paragraph, the 'I don't want to burden my children' is indeed what many parents think, but unless it's backed up with alternative plans, it's just a fantasy. Even adults who live long and healthy lives are likely to need some kind of support towards the end; modern life has become ferciiously complex, and the introduction of AI will no doubt make the 'online' world, once again, challenging to navigate, even for those older people who pride themselves on being 'tech savvy' (like myself!).
Thank you for quoting my work in your YouTube video - I will check it out! And thank you for YOUR work Chantal; it's so important that nomo (not-mother) voices are part of the public narrative of womanhood.
Thank you for witnessing me and honouring my powerful feelings. I agree with you about your mother having a good man in her life. I often wondered how my life would have been if my mother had met another man. Only a few years ago, it came to light that she has narcissistic tendencies. So much made sense. And it was still difficult to extricate myself from this.
That it has. So much is changing in the tech world. As we get older we will need support as it will be continuously new.
You are most welcome. I am in the process of rebranding from Unfold Your Freedom to Hurt, Not Heard to bring topics to light and for women to know how healing storytelling is.
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
Hi Jenn - thanks for sharing your experience and when you wrote that the "this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations" I thought YES! In the UK, long term care insurance is no longer avaiable as a financial product (and was only avaiable for a short time) because, as this article linked to below quotes, "The main reason why long-term care insurance policies are virtually non-existent in the UK is the lack of cap on care costs. This prevents insurers from offering affordable plans as doing so exposes them to a substantial level of risk." The article goes on to list the 'alternatives' to long term care insurance (public/private money) but as anyone who has walked this path knows, it's ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair. And your last line about business resistance to 'family friendly' policies (human life friendly policies really!) is so true.
So interesting about the UK! I'm in the US, and most of the plans they offer here now have caps on the coverage, probably for the exact reasons you've pointed to. The plan I originally bought is no longer offered; I'm hanging onto it as long as I can, but realize I may eventually get priced out of the premiums.
"Ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair" seems to describe so much of healthcare policy, alas!
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
Hi Lori - thank you so much for your comment and I hope it gets widely read too. These are such important conversations that we all need to be having - not just those of us ageing without children! It doesn't suprise me that both you and your sister are more aware and clear-sighted about your future needs because you don't have children - and I'm impressed that you've both already taken action to move to more suitable accommodation whilst you are still young enough to settle in to your new locations and build community again. I feel for your mother, and her desire to hang on to her 'youth' in the shape of what her home represents to her, yet I do wonder if she would allow herself to indulge these feelings if she did not have the support of a partner and two daughters in the background! I feel for your sister too, and the stress that they are putting on her life... it's an unreasonable expectation and yet also such a hard one to push back on. I don't have the answers for this, because so much of it is part of our species 'death anxiety' and the many hoops of denial we jump through to avoid facing our mortality! Hugs, Jody x
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much for commenting Ann and yes, relying on your children in old age is NOT a good plan - for anyone involved. We all need to be having the uncomfortable conversations and making the uncomfortable decisions when we are young enough to make what changes we can... So many people I know do not have that 'one person' to rely on who is nearby (relative, friend, partner...) which makes the whole thing even scarier. We are a society that has lost its way and I really hope that through my work, at least a few of us can do the work to change that in our own lives, and the lives of others in our local communities. It's a huge task, but no one is going to do it for us. Neoliberalism doesn't give a shit about old people.
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.
Thanks for commenting Tamara. I think for many of us, it's not until we get involved in the care of another vulnerable adult that we begin to understand how much is involved... from large to small... and to wonder how on earth we will source this kind of support for ourselves. I do believe it is possible... but not using the systems that currently exist...
It was caring for my mother that made me less concerned about aging without children.
By pure chance, I was about as well-placed (practically speaking) as it’s possible for a daughter looking after her elderly parents to be. And it was a stressful slog of mental and physical overload (I was working less than full-time and even that was a struggle sometimes).
But it made me realise that if I need day to day care when I’m old, then I won’t be in a terribly different position from people with children. As far as I can tell, the majority of elderly people don’t have a single, childless daughter living right next door and with a very flexible, decently paid job that she can do entirely remotely and fit around a myriad of medical appointments, errands, housework etc.
And even if they do have a child who is placed as I was, there is a real limit to the care that such a child, being a non-professional caregiver, can provide (unless you want them to quit their job and/ or work themselves to burnout, I guess).
Once you need daily help with the basic tasks of living then IMO it’s unlikely that you will be able to rely entirely on your children to assist. We’re all vulnerable in old age and we all need good social services and community.
So I’m focusing on living a good life, and on my health, finances and community. The rest is out of my hands, as it is for everyone. Kia kaha xx
"health, finances and community" are key, absolutely. The first and second are often impacted by luck/privilege... but community... community is something we can intentionally create for ourselves, and others. That's what I'll be focusing on for the next decade of my life - investing, creating, nurturing community in my local area.
Sending love to you and your parents too xx
“That's what I'll be focusing on for the next decade of my life - investing, creating, nurturing community in my local area.” That’s beautiful Jody, your local area is lucky to have you, as is your online community! And yes, I agree, health and finances are a matter of luck/ privilege. Thanks for your kind words, sending love back x
You know I can relate to this so much! xoxo
Yep! Sending love across the ocean for you and your Dad xxx
I feel so seen! Although I also am having the opposite experience at the same time, where people, including family, find it abhorrent I'd choose to care over my career and life, and that's equally weird. Anyway, after 3 years, I'm burnt out, and Mum may have to go into a home, because, I can't be a village. It all feels so all or nothing. At 42 ( and tired, and single) I've kinda given up on having kids. Having a weighty responsibility of another's wellbeing has been a formative experience in many positive ways, the way hard things often are. But it's also left me really worried about becoming old and lonely, and poor. I'm so glad and grateful to discover the work you're doing here and already feel solidarity and empowerment in a sense of coming together. Thank you.
Dear Jessica - this sounds like a really hard time for both you and your mum. And you're right, you can't 'be a village' and the burn out from trying is something so many other carers will recognise... I'm so sorry that having children doesn't seem likely... have you had the time/energy to explore other areas of my work with Gateway Women that might support you with that? (Particularly our private online community; you'll find other childless carers there too). It's never too early to start thinking about planning for our old age, and what kind of supportive community we want to live in, other than a biological family which (as you know) can only do so much, particularly when only one person is stepping up... Do come along (if you can) to the webinar I'm hosting next week, Caring for the Caregiver - all my guests are older childless women who have given/recieved care and, like you and me, have no children to possibly return that care when we are old.
Hugs, Jody x
Community: https://gateway-women.com/community
Webinar: https://gateway-women.com/gateway-elderwomen/
This is such an important topic. I appreciate the naming of things here that otherwise live in the subconscious, and yet drive our formal policy and our informal expectations of women as caregivers, from “pronatalism” to “the tightrope generation” to “terror management theory.” A must-read for all, as we must all confront illness and death, sooner or later, and the question of who will care.
Thank you for appreciating the many layers of my thinking and research woven through this piece... there are so many of us, non-parents and parents alike, who are sleepwalking into a crisis of care... whether it be for someone we love, or our own...
Yes!
The response I often get in the general conversation when raising my concerns around aging without children is a kneejerk one: I’m immediately informed that “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old.” As if my silly little childess self somehow just couldn’t figure that out!
I’ll then point out that having children is not an outright loss of having someone to care for you when aging either. I also make sure to inform that having no solid guarantee of something and an outright loss of something are two entirely different things.
While there is a lot at play here, I suspect one key function of the “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old” lecture is as another dismissal amid a long line of baseless narratives designed to leave voices without children out of the human conversation. Because as you articulated so well and thoroughly Jody, the evidence and numbers don’t in anyway support these downplays!
One of the most consistent observations I’ve gathered from my ten years as a childless person is people’s discomfort with the idea of not having children, and in particular childlessness, being a care eliciting station in life on any level.
The parental caregiving situation in my own family is so far balanced and reasonable. With me currently living out of state and my brother living about fifteen minutes from my parents, he has accepted and taken on the preliminary tasks of assisting them with some needs as they age. I’m ready and fully willing to do my part once it’s more needed, and as I can with my own chronic health condition to manage and accommodate. Time will tell, but as of now I feel there’s this unspoken understanding that my brother has gotten more out of my parents than I have. This is no one’s ‘fault’, of course, however my parents have been instrumental and very present in my nephew’s (my brother’s son) life through the years. While my Mom has provided genuine interest and committed emotional support throughout infertility and involuntary childlessness, even parents with the best of intentions are quite limited in how they can support their childless children. In short, they and my brother share the lived experience of parenthood. Whereas I do not and have had to figure out the life I’ve been dealt mostly on my own. So I don’t in any way feel, or have as of yet been made to feel, as though I somehow owe the family something or have something to compensate for. From what I understand this is an unfortunately rare situation.
Dear Sarah - sorry that I missed this comment when you left it. On Substack I'm in the delightful position (gasp!) of having almost too many thoughtful, intelligent comments to respond to by people who've ACTUALLY READ THE ESSAY than I can keep up with!
It's interesting how common and automatic the bingo of 'Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old,” comes up. Once again, it's like our very presence is a stone in the shoe of those with children, and reminds them of a very human fear (which they share, even as parents) of who will be there for us when we are vulnerable. Our presence reminds them that there are no guarantees, which we know, because we don't have that shaky guarantee to unconsciously ward off our very human and relatable fears. And yes, the data definitely leans towards children 'being there' more than 90% of the time... but as to whether that will turn out to be a good thing for them rather depends on all the messy human and structural factors involved. Families are hard. Parenting is hard. Humaning is hard. Ageing is hard. And so is childlessness. We're all in this together, that's the point... one that capitalism and its ally, the very modern and dysfunctional nuclear family unit, has done it's best to explode... (I think it's probably best if I stop there... I'm not sure if the steam is coming out of my ears or the computer... )
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
Dear Sue, I am currently reading your book (ahead of publication in June) "No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimers" and it is so brilliant and moving, and I so appreciate your wisdom and experience as part of our Fireside Wisdom sessions. I think those of us who have had some experience or witnessing of care / eldercare know how multi-faceted it is, from the banal to the life-threatening, and worrying who will be there to hold that space for us when there is no 'obvious' answer can indeed be very scary. I hope that together we can identify those 'non obvious' answers! Big love, Jody x
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
Oh sweetie, I can feel your shock from here, vibrating between the lines of unspoken words. I really hope that you can join us for the 'Caring for the Caregivers' webinar and that perhaps together, ALL OF US, can find the words to speak up for childless caregivers... Big hugs xxx
Thank you so much Jody. I look forward to joining the webinar !
That was me
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
Hi Jane - it sounds like you really did so much for your mum... and it can be hard when others who perhaps have not known them when they were younger and perhaps not so 'angelic' don't know what wounds we might be silently carrying...
And with regard to the word 'Spinster', it is having somewhat of a revival... as it should... it's only the female version of 'bachelor' and to push back against it being a shameful word is important work! Have you read Donna Ward's BRILLIANT memoir 'She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life'? I interviewed her about her book here, and she is also a regular panellist on my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions:
https://gateway-women.com/never-married-over-sixty-and-childless-donna-ward-on-living-and-writing-an-invisible-story/
Planning ahead resonates and empowers me through your knowledge. Thank you!
Thank you Vanesa - I look forward to doing the same! x
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for your praise; from a writer of your quality, that means a lot! And an even BIGGER thank you for seeing this is a call to examine your own biases rather than (as many parents unfortunately do) to become defensive and dismissive towards those who are, or will be, ageing without children. This is an issue that impacts us all, and our children too, if we have them; it's not niche, and it's not 'being hysterical' (as I've also been told!) x
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
You may be interested to read Anna De La Cruz's recent article? https://genxandwich.substack.com/p/is-care-migration-the-next-frontier?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
The Anna de la Cruz article is fascinating, thank you!
https://genxandwich.substack.com/p/is-care-migration-the-next-frontier
I love your paraphrasing of Emma Kenway's words at the end "As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!" I have her book on order to read when I get back from my hols next week, thanks to your championing of her work on your Substack. I will check out Anna De La Cruz's article. I, like you, no longer imagine that legislative change is the answer... the problem is simply too big, unwieldy and expensive for any neoliberal economy to grapple with... and like you I think we can find ways to support each other through community and connection. Maybe I'm a crazy optimist, but I'm in good company, and my work has already created a lot of change in the narratives/connections around childlessness these last 13 years... Sending love to you and your Mum right now and hope to catch up whenever that works for you both. Hugs, Jody x
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
My dear Chantal - I feel and honour your sadness and your anger! Had I lived in the same country as my mother, and had she not been married to a good, kind and caring man, no doubt the same would have been expected of me - and I would probably have done so, even though she was often cruel and neglectful towards me! As to your second paragraph, the 'I don't want to burden my children' is indeed what many parents think, but unless it's backed up with alternative plans, it's just a fantasy. Even adults who live long and healthy lives are likely to need some kind of support towards the end; modern life has become ferciiously complex, and the introduction of AI will no doubt make the 'online' world, once again, challenging to navigate, even for those older people who pride themselves on being 'tech savvy' (like myself!).
Thank you for quoting my work in your YouTube video - I will check it out! And thank you for YOUR work Chantal; it's so important that nomo (not-mother) voices are part of the public narrative of womanhood.
Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for witnessing me and honouring my powerful feelings. I agree with you about your mother having a good man in her life. I often wondered how my life would have been if my mother had met another man. Only a few years ago, it came to light that she has narcissistic tendencies. So much made sense. And it was still difficult to extricate myself from this.
That it has. So much is changing in the tech world. As we get older we will need support as it will be continuously new.
You are most welcome. I am in the process of rebranding from Unfold Your Freedom to Hurt, Not Heard to bring topics to light and for women to know how healing storytelling is.
Hugs, Chantal x
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
Hi Jenn - thanks for sharing your experience and when you wrote that the "this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations" I thought YES! In the UK, long term care insurance is no longer avaiable as a financial product (and was only avaiable for a short time) because, as this article linked to below quotes, "The main reason why long-term care insurance policies are virtually non-existent in the UK is the lack of cap on care costs. This prevents insurers from offering affordable plans as doing so exposes them to a substantial level of risk." The article goes on to list the 'alternatives' to long term care insurance (public/private money) but as anyone who has walked this path knows, it's ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair. And your last line about business resistance to 'family friendly' policies (human life friendly policies really!) is so true.
https://www.insurancebusinessmag.com/uk/guides/long-term-care-insurance-in-the-uk-whats-going-on-438786.aspx
So interesting about the UK! I'm in the US, and most of the plans they offer here now have caps on the coverage, probably for the exact reasons you've pointed to. The plan I originally bought is no longer offered; I'm hanging onto it as long as I can, but realize I may eventually get priced out of the premiums.
"Ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair" seems to describe so much of healthcare policy, alas!
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
Hi Lori - thank you so much for your comment and I hope it gets widely read too. These are such important conversations that we all need to be having - not just those of us ageing without children! It doesn't suprise me that both you and your sister are more aware and clear-sighted about your future needs because you don't have children - and I'm impressed that you've both already taken action to move to more suitable accommodation whilst you are still young enough to settle in to your new locations and build community again. I feel for your mother, and her desire to hang on to her 'youth' in the shape of what her home represents to her, yet I do wonder if she would allow herself to indulge these feelings if she did not have the support of a partner and two daughters in the background! I feel for your sister too, and the stress that they are putting on her life... it's an unreasonable expectation and yet also such a hard one to push back on. I don't have the answers for this, because so much of it is part of our species 'death anxiety' and the many hoops of denial we jump through to avoid facing our mortality! Hugs, Jody x
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much for commenting Ann and yes, relying on your children in old age is NOT a good plan - for anyone involved. We all need to be having the uncomfortable conversations and making the uncomfortable decisions when we are young enough to make what changes we can... So many people I know do not have that 'one person' to rely on who is nearby (relative, friend, partner...) which makes the whole thing even scarier. We are a society that has lost its way and I really hope that through my work, at least a few of us can do the work to change that in our own lives, and the lives of others in our local communities. It's a huge task, but no one is going to do it for us. Neoliberalism doesn't give a shit about old people.
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.
Thanks for commenting Tamara. I think for many of us, it's not until we get involved in the care of another vulnerable adult that we begin to understand how much is involved... from large to small... and to wonder how on earth we will source this kind of support for ourselves. I do believe it is possible... but not using the systems that currently exist...