Thanks for writing this. I’ve also been thinking about it a lot as it’s looking more unlikely that I’ll have kids (I’m 37). Two things keep standing out to me:
1. Intergenerational community and friendship is more important than ever. I’m excited to see how we tackle this challenge as more of us age and more of us are childfree
2. One I think about a lot right now is the blurry line between social life and family life: how they intersect, connect and are prioritised against one another when you don’t have kids. My thoughts are all a jumble on this but I know there’s something important to say here as I feel the tension constantly - I need to write about it so I can figure it out!
Hi Emma - the intergenerational aspect is so important and it's a big part of what I'm looking to create in my own life and community, and to help others with too. My experience with social life/family life has been that those who become parents tend to transfer their social energy into their families, and the connections they make through them; it can be hard for them to find the time, and for childless/free folks to find a way to stay involved with them. I've found that building new childless/free friendships to run alongside existing friendships with parents has been absolutely crucial over the last decade - and I've created multiple resources to help other childless women do the same. Do take a look at my main website at: https://gateway-women.com for more info. x
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
Hi Jenn - thanks for sharing your experience and when you wrote that the "this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations" I thought YES! In the UK, long term care insurance is no longer avaiable as a financial product (and was only avaiable for a short time) because, as this article linked to below quotes, "The main reason why long-term care insurance policies are virtually non-existent in the UK is the lack of cap on care costs. This prevents insurers from offering affordable plans as doing so exposes them to a substantial level of risk." The article goes on to list the 'alternatives' to long term care insurance (public/private money) but as anyone who has walked this path knows, it's ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair. And your last line about business resistance to 'family friendly' policies (human life friendly policies really!) is so true.
So interesting about the UK! I'm in the US, and most of the plans they offer here now have caps on the coverage, probably for the exact reasons you've pointed to. The plan I originally bought is no longer offered; I'm hanging onto it as long as I can, but realize I may eventually get priced out of the premiums.
"Ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair" seems to describe so much of healthcare policy, alas!
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
Hi Lori - thank you so much for your comment and I hope it gets widely read too. These are such important conversations that we all need to be having - not just those of us ageing without children! It doesn't suprise me that both you and your sister are more aware and clear-sighted about your future needs because you don't have children - and I'm impressed that you've both already taken action to move to more suitable accommodation whilst you are still young enough to settle in to your new locations and build community again. I feel for your mother, and her desire to hang on to her 'youth' in the shape of what her home represents to her, yet I do wonder if she would allow herself to indulge these feelings if she did not have the support of a partner and two daughters in the background! I feel for your sister too, and the stress that they are putting on her life... it's an unreasonable expectation and yet also such a hard one to push back on. I don't have the answers for this, because so much of it is part of our species 'death anxiety' and the many hoops of denial we jump through to avoid facing our mortality! Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much for this. I watch daily as my elderly neighbour's childless, unmarried daughter slogs away caring for them, while her three siblings barley visit. Being childless ourselves, it is something I often worry about for myself and my husband, and something I only avoided with my mother (Alzheimer's) because she lived more than two hours away (her choice to move). Even then social services tried to pressure me to move closer! Another of example of conversations we never have.
Hi Sally - I wish this situation were unusual, but I've heard it so much over the many years of my work with childless women... And as for the 'worry' that you describe, I think this lives quite close to the surface of all of us ageing without children, but in the absence of any practical ideas to channel that worry into, it's hard to know what to do with it! I hope to inspire change that we can all get involved in at a local level...
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
Oh sweetie, I can feel your shock from here, vibrating between the lines of unspoken words. I really hope that you can join us for the 'Caring for the Caregivers' webinar and that perhaps together, ALL OF US, can find the words to speak up for childless caregivers... Big hugs xxx
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
My dear Chantal - I feel and honour your sadness and your anger! Had I lived in the same country as my mother, and had she not been married to a good, kind and caring man, no doubt the same would have been expected of me - and I would probably have done so, even though she was often cruel and neglectful towards me! As to your second paragraph, the 'I don't want to burden my children' is indeed what many parents think, but unless it's backed up with alternative plans, it's just a fantasy. Even adults who live long and healthy lives are likely to need some kind of support towards the end; modern life has become ferciiously complex, and the introduction of AI will no doubt make the 'online' world, once again, challenging to navigate, even for those older people who pride themselves on being 'tech savvy' (like myself!).
Thank you for quoting my work in your YouTube video - I will check it out! And thank you for YOUR work Chantal; it's so important that nomo (not-mother) voices are part of the public narrative of womanhood.
Thank you for witnessing me and honouring my powerful feelings. I agree with you about your mother having a good man in her life. I often wondered how my life would have been if my mother had met another man. Only a few years ago, it came to light that she has narcissistic tendencies. So much made sense. And it was still difficult to extricate myself from this.
That it has. So much is changing in the tech world. As we get older we will need support as it will be continuously new.
You are most welcome. I am in the process of rebranding from Unfold Your Freedom to Hurt, Not Heard to bring topics to light and for women to know how healing storytelling is.
Thank you. These things have been on my mind lately, as I am a 44 year old childless by choice daughter of parents in their seventies. For now, they’re healthy and doing great, but I feel like their health or mental health could easily take a turn at anytime between now and ten years from now. They are not in a location that is very easy for me to get to as a non-driver, either. I think an honest conversation with them about these concerns is in order soon; so thank you for keeping it to of mind for me.
As for myself, well, I’m hoping to take care of myself as long as possible, and hopefully then be able to afford to live in assisted living…. But it’s definitely something I have not actually planned for yet.
Hi Jules - It's a hard conversation to have and one it seems that many parents avoid (out of guilt maybe) until a crisis - which is never the best time to make decisions. Sounds like it's time for you all to have that sit down, and to include your nascent planning in this too. I will be writing more about what that planning might entail over the next few years, and interviewing some really interesting folks on it, so stay tuned!
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
Dear Sue, I am currently reading your book (ahead of publication in June) "No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimers" and it is so brilliant and moving, and I so appreciate your wisdom and experience as part of our Fireside Wisdom sessions. I think those of us who have had some experience or witnessing of care / eldercare know how multi-faceted it is, from the banal to the life-threatening, and worrying who will be there to hold that space for us when there is no 'obvious' answer can indeed be very scary. I hope that together we can identify those 'non obvious' answers! Big love, Jody x
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much for commenting Ann and yes, relying on your children in old age is NOT a good plan - for anyone involved. We all need to be having the uncomfortable conversations and making the uncomfortable decisions when we are young enough to make what changes we can... So many people I know do not have that 'one person' to rely on who is nearby (relative, friend, partner...) which makes the whole thing even scarier. We are a society that has lost its way and I really hope that through my work, at least a few of us can do the work to change that in our own lives, and the lives of others in our local communities. It's a huge task, but no one is going to do it for us. Neoliberalism doesn't give a shit about old people.
Thanks for putting into words some of my experience and feelings around this subject. We are in similar situation with my widowed mother in law, which makes me even more aware of the lack of children to look out/after us in our old age.
HI Sharon - thanks for commenting and yes, I agree that being involved in caregiving can really open our eyes... and make us aware that we need to create some kind of future support for ourselves. It's a long term issue requiring long term solutions, and i have some great interviews and resources to share as my Gateway Elderwomen project (and my own elderhood) unfolds...
Thanks for this — I absolutely don’t want my children to have to care for me when I’m older but you’re completely right, I haven’t thought nearly enough about the alternatives. I also wonder about my youngest after I’m gone. She is autistic with what could be termed ‘medium support needs’. But I’m also very low income, no savings, and like you, living in the U.K. where any kind of payment she might get in adulthood to assist her with the cost of living would be pored over by multiple DWP gatekeepers intent on denying her as much as possible. It’s a lot to think about. Thanks for the reminder. ❤️
Thank you for commenting Ruth. I'm in Ireland now (used to be in UK) and the situation here is much the same, although rural Ireland still has a strong tradition of 'community' which I'm hoping will give my efforts a boost! I think one of the things that makes thinking about 'alternatives' is that fear can shut down our creative thinking, which is why doing that thinking/planning alongside others can be so vital - otherwise the natural instinct is to avoid thinking about it. As for your daughter's potential future needs, that sounds challenging too and I hope that perhaps some other parents on this thread might have some thoughts? Hugs, Jody x
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
Hi Jane - it sounds like you really did so much for your mum... and it can be hard when others who perhaps have not known them when they were younger and perhaps not so 'angelic' don't know what wounds we might be silently carrying...
And with regard to the word 'Spinster', it is having somewhat of a revival... as it should... it's only the female version of 'bachelor' and to push back against it being a shameful word is important work! Have you read Donna Ward's BRILLIANT memoir 'She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life'? I interviewed her about her book here, and she is also a regular panellist on my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions:
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for your praise; from a writer of your quality, that means a lot! And an even BIGGER thank you for seeing this is a call to examine your own biases rather than (as many parents unfortunately do) to become defensive and dismissive towards those who are, or will be, ageing without children. This is an issue that impacts us all, and our children too, if we have them; it's not niche, and it's not 'being hysterical' (as I've also been told!) x
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
I love your paraphrasing of Emma Kenway's words at the end "As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!" I have her book on order to read when I get back from my hols next week, thanks to your championing of her work on your Substack. I will check out Anna De La Cruz's article. I, like you, no longer imagine that legislative change is the answer... the problem is simply too big, unwieldy and expensive for any neoliberal economy to grapple with... and like you I think we can find ways to support each other through community and connection. Maybe I'm a crazy optimist, but I'm in good company, and my work has already created a lot of change in the narratives/connections around childlessness these last 13 years... Sending love to you and your Mum right now and hope to catch up whenever that works for you both. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.
Thanks for commenting Tamara. I think for many of us, it's not until we get involved in the care of another vulnerable adult that we begin to understand how much is involved... from large to small... and to wonder how on earth we will source this kind of support for ourselves. I do believe it is possible... but not using the systems that currently exist...
Thanks for writing this. I’ve also been thinking about it a lot as it’s looking more unlikely that I’ll have kids (I’m 37). Two things keep standing out to me:
1. Intergenerational community and friendship is more important than ever. I’m excited to see how we tackle this challenge as more of us age and more of us are childfree
2. One I think about a lot right now is the blurry line between social life and family life: how they intersect, connect and are prioritised against one another when you don’t have kids. My thoughts are all a jumble on this but I know there’s something important to say here as I feel the tension constantly - I need to write about it so I can figure it out!
Hi Emma - the intergenerational aspect is so important and it's a big part of what I'm looking to create in my own life and community, and to help others with too. My experience with social life/family life has been that those who become parents tend to transfer their social energy into their families, and the connections they make through them; it can be hard for them to find the time, and for childless/free folks to find a way to stay involved with them. I've found that building new childless/free friendships to run alongside existing friendships with parents has been absolutely crucial over the last decade - and I've created multiple resources to help other childless women do the same. Do take a look at my main website at: https://gateway-women.com for more info. x
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
Hi Jenn - thanks for sharing your experience and when you wrote that the "this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations" I thought YES! In the UK, long term care insurance is no longer avaiable as a financial product (and was only avaiable for a short time) because, as this article linked to below quotes, "The main reason why long-term care insurance policies are virtually non-existent in the UK is the lack of cap on care costs. This prevents insurers from offering affordable plans as doing so exposes them to a substantial level of risk." The article goes on to list the 'alternatives' to long term care insurance (public/private money) but as anyone who has walked this path knows, it's ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair. And your last line about business resistance to 'family friendly' policies (human life friendly policies really!) is so true.
https://www.insurancebusinessmag.com/uk/guides/long-term-care-insurance-in-the-uk-whats-going-on-438786.aspx
So interesting about the UK! I'm in the US, and most of the plans they offer here now have caps on the coverage, probably for the exact reasons you've pointed to. The plan I originally bought is no longer offered; I'm hanging onto it as long as I can, but realize I may eventually get priced out of the premiums.
"Ferociously complicated, administratively demanding and often unfair" seems to describe so much of healthcare policy, alas!
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
Hi Lori - thank you so much for your comment and I hope it gets widely read too. These are such important conversations that we all need to be having - not just those of us ageing without children! It doesn't suprise me that both you and your sister are more aware and clear-sighted about your future needs because you don't have children - and I'm impressed that you've both already taken action to move to more suitable accommodation whilst you are still young enough to settle in to your new locations and build community again. I feel for your mother, and her desire to hang on to her 'youth' in the shape of what her home represents to her, yet I do wonder if she would allow herself to indulge these feelings if she did not have the support of a partner and two daughters in the background! I feel for your sister too, and the stress that they are putting on her life... it's an unreasonable expectation and yet also such a hard one to push back on. I don't have the answers for this, because so much of it is part of our species 'death anxiety' and the many hoops of denial we jump through to avoid facing our mortality! Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much for this. I watch daily as my elderly neighbour's childless, unmarried daughter slogs away caring for them, while her three siblings barley visit. Being childless ourselves, it is something I often worry about for myself and my husband, and something I only avoided with my mother (Alzheimer's) because she lived more than two hours away (her choice to move). Even then social services tried to pressure me to move closer! Another of example of conversations we never have.
Hi Sally - I wish this situation were unusual, but I've heard it so much over the many years of my work with childless women... And as for the 'worry' that you describe, I think this lives quite close to the surface of all of us ageing without children, but in the absence of any practical ideas to channel that worry into, it's hard to know what to do with it! I hope to inspire change that we can all get involved in at a local level...
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
Oh sweetie, I can feel your shock from here, vibrating between the lines of unspoken words. I really hope that you can join us for the 'Caring for the Caregivers' webinar and that perhaps together, ALL OF US, can find the words to speak up for childless caregivers... Big hugs xxx
Thank you so much Jody. I look forward to joining the webinar !
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
My dear Chantal - I feel and honour your sadness and your anger! Had I lived in the same country as my mother, and had she not been married to a good, kind and caring man, no doubt the same would have been expected of me - and I would probably have done so, even though she was often cruel and neglectful towards me! As to your second paragraph, the 'I don't want to burden my children' is indeed what many parents think, but unless it's backed up with alternative plans, it's just a fantasy. Even adults who live long and healthy lives are likely to need some kind of support towards the end; modern life has become ferciiously complex, and the introduction of AI will no doubt make the 'online' world, once again, challenging to navigate, even for those older people who pride themselves on being 'tech savvy' (like myself!).
Thank you for quoting my work in your YouTube video - I will check it out! And thank you for YOUR work Chantal; it's so important that nomo (not-mother) voices are part of the public narrative of womanhood.
Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for witnessing me and honouring my powerful feelings. I agree with you about your mother having a good man in her life. I often wondered how my life would have been if my mother had met another man. Only a few years ago, it came to light that she has narcissistic tendencies. So much made sense. And it was still difficult to extricate myself from this.
That it has. So much is changing in the tech world. As we get older we will need support as it will be continuously new.
You are most welcome. I am in the process of rebranding from Unfold Your Freedom to Hurt, Not Heard to bring topics to light and for women to know how healing storytelling is.
Hugs, Chantal x
Thank you. These things have been on my mind lately, as I am a 44 year old childless by choice daughter of parents in their seventies. For now, they’re healthy and doing great, but I feel like their health or mental health could easily take a turn at anytime between now and ten years from now. They are not in a location that is very easy for me to get to as a non-driver, either. I think an honest conversation with them about these concerns is in order soon; so thank you for keeping it to of mind for me.
As for myself, well, I’m hoping to take care of myself as long as possible, and hopefully then be able to afford to live in assisted living…. But it’s definitely something I have not actually planned for yet.
Hi Jules - It's a hard conversation to have and one it seems that many parents avoid (out of guilt maybe) until a crisis - which is never the best time to make decisions. Sounds like it's time for you all to have that sit down, and to include your nascent planning in this too. I will be writing more about what that planning might entail over the next few years, and interviewing some really interesting folks on it, so stay tuned!
Yes, I believe it is time as well. Thank you, I look forward to hearing more from you in the future.
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
Dear Sue, I am currently reading your book (ahead of publication in June) "No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimers" and it is so brilliant and moving, and I so appreciate your wisdom and experience as part of our Fireside Wisdom sessions. I think those of us who have had some experience or witnessing of care / eldercare know how multi-faceted it is, from the banal to the life-threatening, and worrying who will be there to hold that space for us when there is no 'obvious' answer can indeed be very scary. I hope that together we can identify those 'non obvious' answers! Big love, Jody x
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much for commenting Ann and yes, relying on your children in old age is NOT a good plan - for anyone involved. We all need to be having the uncomfortable conversations and making the uncomfortable decisions when we are young enough to make what changes we can... So many people I know do not have that 'one person' to rely on who is nearby (relative, friend, partner...) which makes the whole thing even scarier. We are a society that has lost its way and I really hope that through my work, at least a few of us can do the work to change that in our own lives, and the lives of others in our local communities. It's a huge task, but no one is going to do it for us. Neoliberalism doesn't give a shit about old people.
Thanks for putting into words some of my experience and feelings around this subject. We are in similar situation with my widowed mother in law, which makes me even more aware of the lack of children to look out/after us in our old age.
HI Sharon - thanks for commenting and yes, I agree that being involved in caregiving can really open our eyes... and make us aware that we need to create some kind of future support for ourselves. It's a long term issue requiring long term solutions, and i have some great interviews and resources to share as my Gateway Elderwomen project (and my own elderhood) unfolds...
Look forward to seeing what you will share, going forward
Thanks for this — I absolutely don’t want my children to have to care for me when I’m older but you’re completely right, I haven’t thought nearly enough about the alternatives. I also wonder about my youngest after I’m gone. She is autistic with what could be termed ‘medium support needs’. But I’m also very low income, no savings, and like you, living in the U.K. where any kind of payment she might get in adulthood to assist her with the cost of living would be pored over by multiple DWP gatekeepers intent on denying her as much as possible. It’s a lot to think about. Thanks for the reminder. ❤️
Thank you for commenting Ruth. I'm in Ireland now (used to be in UK) and the situation here is much the same, although rural Ireland still has a strong tradition of 'community' which I'm hoping will give my efforts a boost! I think one of the things that makes thinking about 'alternatives' is that fear can shut down our creative thinking, which is why doing that thinking/planning alongside others can be so vital - otherwise the natural instinct is to avoid thinking about it. As for your daughter's potential future needs, that sounds challenging too and I hope that perhaps some other parents on this thread might have some thoughts? Hugs, Jody x
Thank you. And I’m sorry for the faux pas — I didn’t realise you were in Ireland. X
Not a faux pas at all - I didn't mention it in this piece! xx
That was me
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
Hi Jane - it sounds like you really did so much for your mum... and it can be hard when others who perhaps have not known them when they were younger and perhaps not so 'angelic' don't know what wounds we might be silently carrying...
And with regard to the word 'Spinster', it is having somewhat of a revival... as it should... it's only the female version of 'bachelor' and to push back against it being a shameful word is important work! Have you read Donna Ward's BRILLIANT memoir 'She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster's Meditations on Life'? I interviewed her about her book here, and she is also a regular panellist on my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions:
https://gateway-women.com/never-married-over-sixty-and-childless-donna-ward-on-living-and-writing-an-invisible-story/
Planning ahead resonates and empowers me through your knowledge. Thank you!
Thank you Vanesa - I look forward to doing the same! x
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for your praise; from a writer of your quality, that means a lot! And an even BIGGER thank you for seeing this is a call to examine your own biases rather than (as many parents unfortunately do) to become defensive and dismissive towards those who are, or will be, ageing without children. This is an issue that impacts us all, and our children too, if we have them; it's not niche, and it's not 'being hysterical' (as I've also been told!) x
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
You may be interested to read Anna De La Cruz's recent article? https://genxandwich.substack.com/p/is-care-migration-the-next-frontier?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
The Anna de la Cruz article is fascinating, thank you!
https://genxandwich.substack.com/p/is-care-migration-the-next-frontier
I love your paraphrasing of Emma Kenway's words at the end "As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!" I have her book on order to read when I get back from my hols next week, thanks to your championing of her work on your Substack. I will check out Anna De La Cruz's article. I, like you, no longer imagine that legislative change is the answer... the problem is simply too big, unwieldy and expensive for any neoliberal economy to grapple with... and like you I think we can find ways to support each other through community and connection. Maybe I'm a crazy optimist, but I'm in good company, and my work has already created a lot of change in the narratives/connections around childlessness these last 13 years... Sending love to you and your Mum right now and hope to catch up whenever that works for you both. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.
Thanks for commenting Tamara. I think for many of us, it's not until we get involved in the care of another vulnerable adult that we begin to understand how much is involved... from large to small... and to wonder how on earth we will source this kind of support for ourselves. I do believe it is possible... but not using the systems that currently exist...