It was caring for my mother that made me less concerned about aging without children.
By pure chance, I was about as well-placed (practically speaking) as it’s possible for a daughter looking after her elderly parents to be. And it was a stressful slog of mental and physical overload (I was working less than full-time and even that was a struggle sometimes).
But it made me realise that if I need day to day care when I’m old, then I won’t be in a terribly different position from people with children. As far as I can tell, the majority of elderly people don’t have a single, childless daughter living right next door and with a very flexible, decently paid job that she can do entirely remotely and fit around a myriad of medical appointments, errands, housework etc.
And even if they do have a child who is placed as I was, there is a real limit to the care that such a child, being a non-professional caregiver, can provide (unless you want them to quit their job and/ or work themselves to burnout, I guess).
Once you need daily help with the basic tasks of living then IMO it’s unlikely that you will be able to rely entirely on your children to assist. We’re all vulnerable in old age and we all need good social services and community.
So I’m focusing on living a good life, and on my health, finances and community. The rest is out of my hands, as it is for everyone. Kia kaha xx
I feel so seen! Although I also am having the opposite experience at the same time, where people, including family, find it abhorrent I'd choose to care over my career and life, and that's equally weird. Anyway, after 3 years, I'm burnt out, and Mum may have to go into a home, because, I can't be a village. It all feels so all or nothing. At 42 ( and tired, and single) I've kinda given up on having kids. Having a weighty responsibility of another's wellbeing has been a formative experience in many positive ways, the way hard things often are. But it's also left me really worried about becoming old and lonely, and poor. I'm so glad and grateful to discover the work you're doing here and already feel solidarity and empowerment in a sense of coming together. Thank you.
This is such an important topic. I appreciate the naming of things here that otherwise live in the subconscious, and yet drive our formal policy and our informal expectations of women as caregivers, from “pronatalism” to “the tightrope generation” to “terror management theory.” A must-read for all, as we must all confront illness and death, sooner or later, and the question of who will care.
The response I often get in the general conversation when raising my concerns around aging without children is a kneejerk one: I’m immediately informed that “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old.” As if my silly little childess self somehow just couldn’t figure that out!
I’ll then point out that having children is not an outright loss of having someone to care for you when aging either. I also make sure to inform that having no solid guarantee of something and an outright loss of something are two entirely different things.
While there is a lot at play here, I suspect one key function of the “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old” lecture is as another dismissal amid a long line of baseless narratives designed to leave voices without children out of the human conversation. Because as you articulated so well and thoroughly Jody, the evidence and numbers don’t in anyway support these downplays!
One of the most consistent observations I’ve gathered from my ten years as a childless person is people’s discomfort with the idea of not having children, and in particular childlessness, being a care eliciting station in life on any level.
The parental caregiving situation in my own family is so far balanced and reasonable. With me currently living out of state and my brother living about fifteen minutes from my parents, he has accepted and taken on the preliminary tasks of assisting them with some needs as they age. I’m ready and fully willing to do my part once it’s more needed, and as I can with my own chronic health condition to manage and accommodate. Time will tell, but as of now I feel there’s this unspoken understanding that my brother has gotten more out of my parents than I have. This is no one’s ‘fault’, of course, however my parents have been instrumental and very present in my nephew’s (my brother’s son) life through the years. While my Mom has provided genuine interest and committed emotional support throughout infertility and involuntary childlessness, even parents with the best of intentions are quite limited in how they can support their childless children. In short, they and my brother share the lived experience of parenthood. Whereas I do not and have had to figure out the life I’ve been dealt mostly on my own. So I don’t in any way feel, or have as of yet been made to feel, as though I somehow owe the family something or have something to compensate for. From what I understand this is an unfortunately rare situation.
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.
It was caring for my mother that made me less concerned about aging without children.
By pure chance, I was about as well-placed (practically speaking) as it’s possible for a daughter looking after her elderly parents to be. And it was a stressful slog of mental and physical overload (I was working less than full-time and even that was a struggle sometimes).
But it made me realise that if I need day to day care when I’m old, then I won’t be in a terribly different position from people with children. As far as I can tell, the majority of elderly people don’t have a single, childless daughter living right next door and with a very flexible, decently paid job that she can do entirely remotely and fit around a myriad of medical appointments, errands, housework etc.
And even if they do have a child who is placed as I was, there is a real limit to the care that such a child, being a non-professional caregiver, can provide (unless you want them to quit their job and/ or work themselves to burnout, I guess).
Once you need daily help with the basic tasks of living then IMO it’s unlikely that you will be able to rely entirely on your children to assist. We’re all vulnerable in old age and we all need good social services and community.
So I’m focusing on living a good life, and on my health, finances and community. The rest is out of my hands, as it is for everyone. Kia kaha xx
You know I can relate to this so much! xoxo
I feel so seen! Although I also am having the opposite experience at the same time, where people, including family, find it abhorrent I'd choose to care over my career and life, and that's equally weird. Anyway, after 3 years, I'm burnt out, and Mum may have to go into a home, because, I can't be a village. It all feels so all or nothing. At 42 ( and tired, and single) I've kinda given up on having kids. Having a weighty responsibility of another's wellbeing has been a formative experience in many positive ways, the way hard things often are. But it's also left me really worried about becoming old and lonely, and poor. I'm so glad and grateful to discover the work you're doing here and already feel solidarity and empowerment in a sense of coming together. Thank you.
This is such an important topic. I appreciate the naming of things here that otherwise live in the subconscious, and yet drive our formal policy and our informal expectations of women as caregivers, from “pronatalism” to “the tightrope generation” to “terror management theory.” A must-read for all, as we must all confront illness and death, sooner or later, and the question of who will care.
The response I often get in the general conversation when raising my concerns around aging without children is a kneejerk one: I’m immediately informed that “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old.” As if my silly little childess self somehow just couldn’t figure that out!
I’ll then point out that having children is not an outright loss of having someone to care for you when aging either. I also make sure to inform that having no solid guarantee of something and an outright loss of something are two entirely different things.
While there is a lot at play here, I suspect one key function of the “Having children is no guarantee of having someone around to help you when you’re old” lecture is as another dismissal amid a long line of baseless narratives designed to leave voices without children out of the human conversation. Because as you articulated so well and thoroughly Jody, the evidence and numbers don’t in anyway support these downplays!
One of the most consistent observations I’ve gathered from my ten years as a childless person is people’s discomfort with the idea of not having children, and in particular childlessness, being a care eliciting station in life on any level.
The parental caregiving situation in my own family is so far balanced and reasonable. With me currently living out of state and my brother living about fifteen minutes from my parents, he has accepted and taken on the preliminary tasks of assisting them with some needs as they age. I’m ready and fully willing to do my part once it’s more needed, and as I can with my own chronic health condition to manage and accommodate. Time will tell, but as of now I feel there’s this unspoken understanding that my brother has gotten more out of my parents than I have. This is no one’s ‘fault’, of course, however my parents have been instrumental and very present in my nephew’s (my brother’s son) life through the years. While my Mom has provided genuine interest and committed emotional support throughout infertility and involuntary childlessness, even parents with the best of intentions are quite limited in how they can support their childless children. In short, they and my brother share the lived experience of parenthood. Whereas I do not and have had to figure out the life I’ve been dealt mostly on my own. So I don’t in any way feel, or have as of yet been made to feel, as though I somehow owe the family something or have something to compensate for. From what I understand this is an unfortunately rare situation.
Jody, you have said it all here. I cared for my husband and then my father, and yes, as the one with no kids and without a normal 9-5 job, I was the one to do it. But now, just shy of 72, I'm caring for myself and terrified of what will happen in the future. I so appreciate you working so hard on this.
How lucky am I to have found you, and this, Jody. Every word, scenario and thought you share here mirrors my reality. My mother said this to me a few weeks ago … “my friends tell me that I took care of you ( raised me ) so now it’s okay that it’s your turn to take care of me”. She said this with all the innocence in the world. Working to make it okay that this is now my role, and I suppose, to absolve some of her guilt. I do love her, we are dear friends. She is often my biggest cheerleader in life, but her words shattered me.
I couldn’t think of why she might actually be wrong. Was it true? Was this okay? Why did it make me so angry. And here you vocalize all of the reasons I felt like I did. Thank you.
To note, I have 3 brothers that all live 10 min away from her as do I. They do what they think is a lot, or enough. And I adore them too… but. I am single, never married, childless and 56, and not financially set“, its not like I have anything better to do… “🥴
That was me
I'm glad i was carer for my Mum in her last 10 years. Everyone said I did an amazing job and my Mum had the high standard of living she was accustomed to even though she found it frustrating to become increasingly immobile. Mum was stoic,rarely complained and only once cried. The other paid carers who took over for breaks for me told me Mum was a Angel and absolute Sweetheart. That was lovely but I did think of my Mum fifty years prior!!! Maybe I will transform into a Sweetheart in the nick of time.
As an elderly female incel,(female incel,I read a piece of journalism on this "new' societal phenomenon,equality we gotta keep up with the lads,the author was saying couldn't someone come up with another better word for this new 21st century condition of women who can't get sex,off men that is,or possibly even other women,so I in the comments suggested SPINSTER!
Planning ahead resonates and empowers me through your knowledge. Thank you!
I just learned so much, thank you for this opportunity, my goodness that was brilliant. Perfect reminder to check my own biases and how I feel about the position my own daughter will be in one day facing our old age. Thank you for writing this!!
Hi Jody, I've so many thoughts running through my mind. Firstly, thank you for the shout-out to my Website. Thank you for being so supportive of my personal mission and work.
As you read in 'A Prelude to Caregiving: Love and Torture', when we were in crisis, I took caregiver leave from my Belgium job without knowing that this was a unique benefit and not a norm. I've never regretted anything I've done for my parents, BUT I started thinking about my own future needs because of everything I've been through.
I'm relieved that we can raise awareness together for everyone, but in particular women.
You may be interested to read Anna De La Cruz's recent article? https://genxandwich.substack.com/p/is-care-migration-the-next-frontier?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Whether we are single or have families everyone is suffering because policies and infrastructure changes haven't kept pace with demographic trends.
As Emily Kenway says - there is a UN study that quotes how many work days are lost to care...BUT what about what care days are lost to work!!
As I said, so many aspects and thoughts. - when I feel impotent to influence the legislative changes, I remember that WE can make a difference, each and every single person by a simple act of kindness or support to & with each other. Community and connection with empathy and inspiration is my hope.
This sent shivers up and down my spine. I couldn't read it all in one go as there is so much I relate to. It made me feel sad and angry. This was my experience as a young woman that I had no idea about until recently. I felt so much guilt no longer wanting to be 'responsible' for my mother who demanded it from me as the eldest and the daughter denying she favoured my brother, even though she felt the same with her mother and brothers.
And yes, to worrying about old age. How many times have I been told by parents, oh, don't worry about that. You are bringing this on to yourself. You are being negative. I don't want to burden my children. And so it goes on. I can feel the anger welling up as I type this.
As always, your words are powerful and honouring of me without children. I am now getting ready to write my own post. In fact, I quoted you in my latest YouTube video about not being a mother. It is important to keep talking.
Oh, this really hits home: "The line often touted by politicians is that ‘families must do more’, which is code for ‘women must do more’. "
Many years ago, when my employer first offered long-term care insurance, I bought in. I am not in a situation where I have any likely family caregiver if I should need one, so it seemed like a good idea and was quite affordable then. But over the years, the premiums have been skyrocketing. It seems that the company was shocked by the amount of actual need, and vastly underestimated what they would have to pay out. I believe this underestimation was largely based on the fact that unpaid caregiving is so overlooked and undervalued by policymakers and business leaders; they didn't see it so didn't base their calculations on realistic expectations. They couldn't appreciate just how much time and energy and money was going into caregiving, not until those costs were translated into money that they, as a business, would have to spend.
The other thing that bothers me about policymakers who want family members to take on caregiving without government help, is that they are usually the same ones who resist requiring businesses to have paid family leave, overtime, and other family-friendly policies.
This is fabulous, Jody, thank you! I hope it gets widely circulated. My sister & I are both in our 60s -- I'm childless not by choice and live 1000 miles away from our aging parents (both in their 80s), so my sister (childfree by choice, lives an hour away from them) is the one they turn to for help, and I know it's stressing her out. They live in a split level house -- 3 levels with stairs running from one floor to another and no bathroom on the main level, where the kitchen, living room and laundry area are. We've been trying to get them to consider a move, and I think our dad is ready, but our mother is digging in her heels. My sister & I know we won't have any kids to rely on for help as we age. She recently moved into bungalow (a house that's all on one level, aside from the basement), within easy walking distance of transit and shopping, and my husband and I did some downsizing, sold our house and moved to a condo/apartment on a main bus route, 8 years ago. I find it kind of ironic that we've both given these things more thought and already taken more action to prepare for our old age than our parents have...!
I understand the pain and grief of the childless mother and have known many who were childless, not by choice.. But I have three step kids- and adopted twins- we live far apart- mentally and geographically. When I need help, they won’t be close enough to help, even if they wish to do so.. The twins live in Sweden, the others live out west. Having kids so they take care of you in your old age is a crapshoot. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.People are so spread out in this world. So I share my home with a good friend. We take care of each other. I will eventually lose my eyesight- down to one good eye. It is important to have a person- be it your kid(s),,or a partner or a friend you can depend on.
Such a good piece. Keep doing.. your work is important to so many Always enjoy reading your essays.
Thank you so much Jody for writing about this very important topic.
I am currently working with my own parents who live on the opposite side of the country (U.S.) to relocate so that my husband & I can assist them. They are both in their 80’s, I am the only child and my mother is starting to show signs of memory issues. My father desperately needs our help.
Going through just the beginning of this process, I am seeing what my husband and I might need to help us when we are both my parents ages, in this day & time it is not easy.
Thank you Jody for all that you have done and are working on to create more options for those of us who are in need of care as we age.