I’ve never felt the sting of childlessness or being single most of my life. Oh I’ve had partners and even a few husbands along the way but my best years, especially the last twenty-five, have been unencumbered by the responsibilities imbedded in intimate relationships and the raising offspring. Looking back I know I would have never had the interesting life I’ve lived had I taken a more traditional path. I too have a sister with a husband and children and grandchildren who’s “in charge” of family holidays and traditions but she is also the sister who took responsibility for our mother despite having a demanding career and raising a family while I galavanted around the country. I don’t resent her. I admire her. I love her. And I’m grateful that she’s “in charge” keeping our family traditions alive and bringing us together. I think if we are comfortable in our skin, live the life we’ve chosen and accept that there are trade offs for our independence, the voices of the critics become dimmer and our own stronger. You are correct, the middle years are the most challenging, but at 75 I can attest that remaining true to oneself leads to a greater sense of peace and satisfaction. Play the long game.
I love that your 'life unexpected' is one that you inhabit and cherish with such satisfaction! And that your sister's 'taking charge' of everything is something you appreciate and that it enables you to live your own life more fully. It's so good to hear from those women older than me that a quiet, unpartnered, childless life can be a deeply fulfilling one too; the culture really hides this from us! Thank you again x
So much to process in this post -- thank you, Jody, for sparking thoughts that I'll be mulling for a while.
Yes to the idea of having and modeling courageous conversations! Why are we here if we're just going to acquiesce or stay silent?
As I age, I find I focus less on biting my tongue and more on sharing my perspective in ways that preserve my relationships.
A month ago, I visited my local post office for the third or fourth time about the same delivery issue (argh). As I stood in line, the guy behind the counter recognized me, and I could read the "uh-oh" in his eyes.
At the end of our conversation, he said something that I took as a sign of success: "You are our nicest complainer."
And it does seem that the issue has been resolved (knock on wood!).
I think you've nailed it... preserving the relationship AND getting our needs/point of view heard. It's a tough one, isn't it, because the line between 'being heard' and 'being that bloody woman' is sooooo narrow in patriarchy. We've almost no wiggle room at all...
Hi Jody, this is such an interesting conversation. For me, getting older and a bit more mellow, I tend to be less limbic in response to the careless, thoughtless things that people say. I used to react by either stifling how I felt or by saying something cutting or sarcastic. Both ways I felt I was diminished either by my shamed silence or my sharp tongue. It all came from a place of pain. Nowadays, courage is to have the clarity of mind to choose the right words for the right situation. Two quotes come to mind. One from the 13th century poet Rumi 'raise your words not your voice' and the other from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament, 'a gentle word can break a bone'.
The power of words! Looking forward to the Fireside wisdom conversation. xx
I love your phraseology Cath 'less limbic' - isn't that the truth! I can certainly spend a lot more time mulling over how I want to respond to something these days, if at all. I had a fierce, hot, temper and a sharp tongue as a young woman, and then went the other way in midlife (I've added a lot more to the essay about that now); in my old age, I'm hoping to find a balance between the two! x
I hear this. I believe sarcasm was one of the few tools my mother had at her disposal to make her voice heard when I was growing up. She was a stay-at-home mother and homemaker, sandwiched between her four children and her aging elders. She had a big heart and was a good Mom. It was the life she started out seeking and in some ways it became the source of her disappointment. We children mostly absorbed that disappointment and spent our young lives trying to please her. To fix it. Clearly we couldn’t fix it.
With a better sense of mindfulness these days, I too try to take a breath and choose. Choose words. Choose battles. Choose how I want to spend my limited time on earth. One needn’t join every ego-based argument one is invited to. There is no point to prove. Acting with love is a choice.
I don't where the expression comes from, but the phrase, 'you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to' comes to mind! Ah, some of the discernment of ageing is delightful! x
hi Barbara, you are spot on- we always have a choice. I remember realising that when a comment or piece of negativity came flying my way I didn't 'have' to catch it- I could actually choose to just let it fly right by. I began to see how much energy I was spending on things that were simply reactions to other people. It's also the right not have to have an opinion on everything. As you say, picking the battle and deciding how much energy to expend on it, when I could be using it for something more life-giving. A bit like pruning a rose bush..... cut off all the loose straggly off shoots and re-focus the sap to get the beautiful blooms.
Oh that resonates but this part of me that is longing for courageous conversations is still stuck in my chest! When I have done it (few times) with those who have known me a long time, it did backfire and I just ended up appeasing others. It is easier with those I don't know. But I definitely feel some strange assertiveness emerging which is authentic as opposed to being associated to some sort of persona I try to project in the world (which I wasn't very good at anyway)
Learning NOT to appease takes practice, as it requires us to stay with the discomfort of a new boundary, which then shifts the relationship to a new place... So many us have been conditioned not to do that; when the price of doing so could be physical harm or banishment, so it's hardly surprising how hard it is! But I guess it's a skill to be learned, and maybe as you get more comfortable with your emerging 'strange assertiveness' it will give you the confidence to hold your ground in more established relationships... All we can do is to experiment, fail, adjust and try again!
Love this SO much! I adore women that can speak up like this. I was raised by one, and she often still gets quite rowdy. Thank you for helping us find our voice 🤍
Thank you darlin' Carrie. I like your mom more and more, especially as she and I have the same taste in books too! How is speaking up and out for you, having had it role modelled? (In my experience, sometimes we can go the opposite way to a parental quality - for example, my mother was stingy, and so I tend towards the overly-generous!)
A few years ago when I went to a new gynecologist, he walked in and cheerfully asked, "How are you, Mrs. Alleva." I immediately told him I was not married. He then backed down and told me he had a sister who was like me. I suggested that he read a few books to gain some info for the future. At my next visit, I took a letter with a list of books that both he and his sister may be interested in reading. I had the same experience at the eye doctor. Yeesh. Definitely IDGAF moments!
Ah, sounds like you probably made it onto his 'difficult women' list, eh? Thank goodness for each and every difficult woman! (I hope this sister got your book list, I'd love to know what books were on it?) And then it happened with the eye doctor too?... Nothing like living in a self-reinforcing patriarchal bubble for men to feel they get to give you their opinions on things it seems!
Oh this one got me right in the feels, in a good way - as the people-pleasing eldest daughter of another, and just beginning to feel the tiniest rumblings of IDGAF as I approach 50 and go full post-hysto menopausal, all while belatedly grieving childlessness - feels quite like a tumble dryer! But courageous conversations are so important, not only moving through life’s stages, but also the day-to-day mundane.
And I absolutely loved the link to your piece about the hooded crow and new versions of you. I might have to print & highlight it!
I'm so glad it hit the spot dear Marta! I'm reading Lisa Marchiano's 'The Vital Spark' at the moment (I'm doing an event with her in August) and in the intro it speaks all about how the vital spark is associated with Lileth (talk about shaming female power) and how girls are socialised to be appalled by forthrightness in other girls...
And happy you read my older piece; it's 5 years since I wrote it, and I'm so glad I listened to the crow...
Thank you so much, Jody - I will definitely add “The Vital Spark” to my ever-growing-but-excited-to read list, and look forward to the event! I’m also appreciating and learning from the other comments about people-pleasing here. I don’t really know any men who fit that bill now, and certainly didn’t while I was growing up. But over the years I’ve come to understand that you can’t please everyone, no matter what you do, and the process is often beyond exhausting! Hence the inkling of IDGAF! But coming across Brene Brown’s work a decade or so ago was very helpful in un-doing some of that; today I try to see it more along the lines of being kind and being of service where I’m able, and have a much better internal understanding of what my limits are. And I’m glad you listened to the crow, too!
Jody, I liked all you've said in your post and am so looking forward to the next Fireside Wisdom. Oh lorrrrrd you have hit the spot and I feel heartened by your online presence and shall remember the IDGAF "acronym" for those days and times when I can use it, if only silently and to myself with a smile!
Thank you so much for being the first to comment Veronica. There’s always a space of pure panic and paranoia after hitting publish and I’m grateful that bit of being a writer is over for today! And yes, IDGAF is verrrry important. As is trying not to roll my eyes so hard they get stuck… xxx
One of the ways I reclaimed my inner courage, back when I was in my late 30s, divorcing my husband and had no hope of either bearing of adopting a child, I bought myself a courage and walked into church and up the aisle wearing it on Mothers Day. I had been encouraged to honor the mother in me by a woman I met in a 12-step group. It felt right to honor my 3 failed pregnancies. It was difficult. My walk up the aisle was slow. I felt like some woman was going to rip the corsage off me and throw it on the floor. But that didn’t happen. And I felt stronger by publically acknowledging my efforts to bear a child, or adopt one, that I would dearly loved to have mothered through his or her life.
Hazel, I admire you so much for taking that action to honour your love for the children that live only in your heart; bravo to your 12 step friends who encouraged you to do so. xx
That's fascinating Logan. In what ways do you find yourself stepping into that role? And is it one you can use for yourself too? (I ask because I am a great defender of others, and will go to bat for the underdog every time, but sometimes I struggle to stand up for myself...)
As always so well said Jody. These conversations are always so difficult to tackle. Definitely lots of eye rolling. Looking forward to the next Fireside chat as they always give me so much to think about.
There's something about life getting shorter, and encoutering the same shit over and over again + oestrogen leaving the building that just changes our ability to stay quiet it seems... A wiser than me person once said that, 'You can't maintain a boundary AND look after other people's feelings at the same time...' I guess it's about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable?... Ugh... x
Hello Jody, One of the best essays I have read yet. But I have not been here for long. Powerful movement all through this piece. I resonate. I have proudly reclaimed crone. A women's council named me "The Salty Crone." At first I wondered, is this a compliment or insult? It is to be "outspoken" as you speak about, no more lying to ourselves. Initially, our generation can feel shocked by the degree of patriarchy we lived under. I'm not able to lie or lie down. I love your words—if we don't do it, who will model for the generations to come. I never married but raised and still raise adult children with disabilities singly—unexpectedly—consciously aware of more that I can contain at times. Grandma is not n the cards for me, I get to be mother until the end. I'm happy to find you and look forward to reading more. Great resources! "The motherless mothers..." Thank you. P.S. I just came to Substack, I'm in year 67 — thank you.
Welcome to Substack Prajna - I took a look at your work too and non-mothers/mothers we all have so much to learn/teach other, and the rising generations to come. Patriarchy and pronatalism are the soup we swim in and at almost 60, I am really starting to reflect on how much it has cost me, and all the women I know. x
Yes, I'm with you. And this whole thing called "normal" — nothing about life fits the concept of normal. It's a house of cards — crumbling. Thank you for looking.
I once heard that "normal" is nothing but a setting on a dishwasher, and it's stuck with me. And as we age, we become even more diverse as life has its way with us! x
I have pretty much always had IDGAF energy, mostly because I'm really obtuse about picking up on social cues. I've never been a people pleaser, and though I've never been tested or formally diagnosed, I've long thought I might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. I never really learned how to be anything other than honest and straightforward, and as a consequence, have been called some pretty rude things - passive/aggressive, direct, bossy, bitchy, difficult, and the ever-popular "challenging." Probably all true, but my intent was never to insult or injure, I was just trying to be honest and true to my own values and beliefs. I take constructive criticism pretty well, because I believe that I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it in return. Growing up in the deep South of the US, those qualities and other things that I couldn't control, like being the "new girl" and being "book smart" have gotten me ostracized in so many social settings. So I guess the goal for me these days is to learn to be better at speaking up in a way that encourages conversation and relationship instead of shutting it down. I'm a work in progress, but coming to understand, belatedly, that the patriarchy and other social constructs are probably as big a part of the problem as my lack of social skills has been an enormous relief.
Isn't it interesting that when we are (by nature or nurture or both) a woman who does not toe the patriarchal line, we are insulted and belittled? (By other women mostly perhaps too?) I can imagine that all of the qualities that have made you exceptional in your work, if they were qualities exhibited by a man, would be seen as 'firmness', 'clearness', 'good leader', etc! I hope that as an older woman, you will begin to experience some liberation from some of this! xx
I could have written this post myself. Alcoholic mother, unmarried until I was 40, fertility issues, childless and now just trying to figure out how I will fare in older age. 60 is a biggie. The health issues seem to come out and play. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. I love life! I feel young. I still have soooo much to do!
Yep, sixty is a real doozy, that's for sure! Have you read my article about not recognising myself in the mirror? It's the most read piece I've written! I'm sorry that you can relate to so many of the hard life experiences I shared in this piece. xxx
Such a big YES to courageous conversations Jody! I'm slowly learning to find and honour my voice as I move into my 50s. What a process this is for women in general and childless women in particular. Looking forward to your upcoming fireside conversation 😊
Thank you so much Vicki. I've had a situation recently with a friend where I've felt hurt, and yet it doesn't/didn't yet feel right to have 'that' conversation... Sometimes not having them can be a wise course too. I'm sure the moment will present itself.
Jody, I always find such synchronicity in your posts. From leaving home at 18 to go to London and looking for love in all the wrong places, because I could, to finding out early on I probably wouldn’t have children. To growing up with an alcoholic father that I didn’t understand until we got to know each other just before he died. Looking back I realise there was trauma and abandonment and emotional shutdown. But at the time it all felt normal, oh how much it has taken to unravel. The best is only just beginning, because I know myself. With love and light. 💫🙏
Bless you Louise for relating, and letting me know. I was a child in an adult's body, as so many traumatized adult children of alcoholics are! Getting to know myself has been the hardest and most rewarding relationship of my life, and I like the person I see in the mirror now, because I know her and I can trust her; sounds like you can too xxx
A child in an adults body, oh my god yes! That’s so wonderful to know that you can know and trust and know her, I’d say it’s a work in progress for me and what a beautiful journey to be on xxx
I’ve never felt the sting of childlessness or being single most of my life. Oh I’ve had partners and even a few husbands along the way but my best years, especially the last twenty-five, have been unencumbered by the responsibilities imbedded in intimate relationships and the raising offspring. Looking back I know I would have never had the interesting life I’ve lived had I taken a more traditional path. I too have a sister with a husband and children and grandchildren who’s “in charge” of family holidays and traditions but she is also the sister who took responsibility for our mother despite having a demanding career and raising a family while I galavanted around the country. I don’t resent her. I admire her. I love her. And I’m grateful that she’s “in charge” keeping our family traditions alive and bringing us together. I think if we are comfortable in our skin, live the life we’ve chosen and accept that there are trade offs for our independence, the voices of the critics become dimmer and our own stronger. You are correct, the middle years are the most challenging, but at 75 I can attest that remaining true to oneself leads to a greater sense of peace and satisfaction. Play the long game.
I love that your 'life unexpected' is one that you inhabit and cherish with such satisfaction! And that your sister's 'taking charge' of everything is something you appreciate and that it enables you to live your own life more fully. It's so good to hear from those women older than me that a quiet, unpartnered, childless life can be a deeply fulfilling one too; the culture really hides this from us! Thank you again x
So much to process in this post -- thank you, Jody, for sparking thoughts that I'll be mulling for a while.
Yes to the idea of having and modeling courageous conversations! Why are we here if we're just going to acquiesce or stay silent?
As I age, I find I focus less on biting my tongue and more on sharing my perspective in ways that preserve my relationships.
A month ago, I visited my local post office for the third or fourth time about the same delivery issue (argh). As I stood in line, the guy behind the counter recognized me, and I could read the "uh-oh" in his eyes.
At the end of our conversation, he said something that I took as a sign of success: "You are our nicest complainer."
And it does seem that the issue has been resolved (knock on wood!).
I think you've nailed it... preserving the relationship AND getting our needs/point of view heard. It's a tough one, isn't it, because the line between 'being heard' and 'being that bloody woman' is sooooo narrow in patriarchy. We've almost no wiggle room at all...
Hi Jody, this is such an interesting conversation. For me, getting older and a bit more mellow, I tend to be less limbic in response to the careless, thoughtless things that people say. I used to react by either stifling how I felt or by saying something cutting or sarcastic. Both ways I felt I was diminished either by my shamed silence or my sharp tongue. It all came from a place of pain. Nowadays, courage is to have the clarity of mind to choose the right words for the right situation. Two quotes come to mind. One from the 13th century poet Rumi 'raise your words not your voice' and the other from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament, 'a gentle word can break a bone'.
The power of words! Looking forward to the Fireside wisdom conversation. xx
I love your phraseology Cath 'less limbic' - isn't that the truth! I can certainly spend a lot more time mulling over how I want to respond to something these days, if at all. I had a fierce, hot, temper and a sharp tongue as a young woman, and then went the other way in midlife (I've added a lot more to the essay about that now); in my old age, I'm hoping to find a balance between the two! x
I hear this. I believe sarcasm was one of the few tools my mother had at her disposal to make her voice heard when I was growing up. She was a stay-at-home mother and homemaker, sandwiched between her four children and her aging elders. She had a big heart and was a good Mom. It was the life she started out seeking and in some ways it became the source of her disappointment. We children mostly absorbed that disappointment and spent our young lives trying to please her. To fix it. Clearly we couldn’t fix it.
With a better sense of mindfulness these days, I too try to take a breath and choose. Choose words. Choose battles. Choose how I want to spend my limited time on earth. One needn’t join every ego-based argument one is invited to. There is no point to prove. Acting with love is a choice.
I don't where the expression comes from, but the phrase, 'you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to' comes to mind! Ah, some of the discernment of ageing is delightful! x
Exactly that. 💚
hi Barbara, you are spot on- we always have a choice. I remember realising that when a comment or piece of negativity came flying my way I didn't 'have' to catch it- I could actually choose to just let it fly right by. I began to see how much energy I was spending on things that were simply reactions to other people. It's also the right not have to have an opinion on everything. As you say, picking the battle and deciding how much energy to expend on it, when I could be using it for something more life-giving. A bit like pruning a rose bush..... cut off all the loose straggly off shoots and re-focus the sap to get the beautiful blooms.
💚
Oh that resonates but this part of me that is longing for courageous conversations is still stuck in my chest! When I have done it (few times) with those who have known me a long time, it did backfire and I just ended up appeasing others. It is easier with those I don't know. But I definitely feel some strange assertiveness emerging which is authentic as opposed to being associated to some sort of persona I try to project in the world (which I wasn't very good at anyway)
Learning NOT to appease takes practice, as it requires us to stay with the discomfort of a new boundary, which then shifts the relationship to a new place... So many us have been conditioned not to do that; when the price of doing so could be physical harm or banishment, so it's hardly surprising how hard it is! But I guess it's a skill to be learned, and maybe as you get more comfortable with your emerging 'strange assertiveness' it will give you the confidence to hold your ground in more established relationships... All we can do is to experiment, fail, adjust and try again!
Love this SO much! I adore women that can speak up like this. I was raised by one, and she often still gets quite rowdy. Thank you for helping us find our voice 🤍
Thank you darlin' Carrie. I like your mom more and more, especially as she and I have the same taste in books too! How is speaking up and out for you, having had it role modelled? (In my experience, sometimes we can go the opposite way to a parental quality - for example, my mother was stingy, and so I tend towards the overly-generous!)
A few years ago when I went to a new gynecologist, he walked in and cheerfully asked, "How are you, Mrs. Alleva." I immediately told him I was not married. He then backed down and told me he had a sister who was like me. I suggested that he read a few books to gain some info for the future. At my next visit, I took a letter with a list of books that both he and his sister may be interested in reading. I had the same experience at the eye doctor. Yeesh. Definitely IDGAF moments!
Ah, sounds like you probably made it onto his 'difficult women' list, eh? Thank goodness for each and every difficult woman! (I hope this sister got your book list, I'd love to know what books were on it?) And then it happened with the eye doctor too?... Nothing like living in a self-reinforcing patriarchal bubble for men to feel they get to give you their opinions on things it seems!
Oh this one got me right in the feels, in a good way - as the people-pleasing eldest daughter of another, and just beginning to feel the tiniest rumblings of IDGAF as I approach 50 and go full post-hysto menopausal, all while belatedly grieving childlessness - feels quite like a tumble dryer! But courageous conversations are so important, not only moving through life’s stages, but also the day-to-day mundane.
And I absolutely loved the link to your piece about the hooded crow and new versions of you. I might have to print & highlight it!
I'm so glad it hit the spot dear Marta! I'm reading Lisa Marchiano's 'The Vital Spark' at the moment (I'm doing an event with her in August) and in the intro it speaks all about how the vital spark is associated with Lileth (talk about shaming female power) and how girls are socialised to be appalled by forthrightness in other girls...
And happy you read my older piece; it's 5 years since I wrote it, and I'm so glad I listened to the crow...
Thank you so much, Jody - I will definitely add “The Vital Spark” to my ever-growing-but-excited-to read list, and look forward to the event! I’m also appreciating and learning from the other comments about people-pleasing here. I don’t really know any men who fit that bill now, and certainly didn’t while I was growing up. But over the years I’ve come to understand that you can’t please everyone, no matter what you do, and the process is often beyond exhausting! Hence the inkling of IDGAF! But coming across Brene Brown’s work a decade or so ago was very helpful in un-doing some of that; today I try to see it more along the lines of being kind and being of service where I’m able, and have a much better internal understanding of what my limits are. And I’m glad you listened to the crow, too!
Jody, I liked all you've said in your post and am so looking forward to the next Fireside Wisdom. Oh lorrrrrd you have hit the spot and I feel heartened by your online presence and shall remember the IDGAF "acronym" for those days and times when I can use it, if only silently and to myself with a smile!
Thank you so much for being the first to comment Veronica. There’s always a space of pure panic and paranoia after hitting publish and I’m grateful that bit of being a writer is over for today! And yes, IDGAF is verrrry important. As is trying not to roll my eyes so hard they get stuck… xxx
One of the ways I reclaimed my inner courage, back when I was in my late 30s, divorcing my husband and had no hope of either bearing of adopting a child, I bought myself a courage and walked into church and up the aisle wearing it on Mothers Day. I had been encouraged to honor the mother in me by a woman I met in a 12-step group. It felt right to honor my 3 failed pregnancies. It was difficult. My walk up the aisle was slow. I felt like some woman was going to rip the corsage off me and throw it on the floor. But that didn’t happen. And I felt stronger by publically acknowledging my efforts to bear a child, or adopt one, that I would dearly loved to have mothered through his or her life.
Hazel, I admire you so much for taking that action to honour your love for the children that live only in your heart; bravo to your 12 step friends who encouraged you to do so. xx
I'm 73, I have four daughters and three grandaughters and I am their warrior priestess.
If I didn't have my own progeny I would still be a warrior priestess for every younger woman who needs one.
That's fascinating Logan. In what ways do you find yourself stepping into that role? And is it one you can use for yourself too? (I ask because I am a great defender of others, and will go to bat for the underdog every time, but sometimes I struggle to stand up for myself...)
I am a defender of women's rights and LGBTQ rights,(one of my daughters is gay).
One on one, with other women I strive to be someone who truely listens - I try to curb the urge to talk about myself or give unsolicited advice.
Self labeling as warrior and priestess is a way to recognize my own value in a society that ignores us once we are no longer young and pretty.
Thank you sister priestess xxx
YES! Beautiful
As always so well said Jody. These conversations are always so difficult to tackle. Definitely lots of eye rolling. Looking forward to the next Fireside chat as they always give me so much to think about.
There's something about life getting shorter, and encoutering the same shit over and over again + oestrogen leaving the building that just changes our ability to stay quiet it seems... A wiser than me person once said that, 'You can't maintain a boundary AND look after other people's feelings at the same time...' I guess it's about getting comfortable with being uncomfortable?... Ugh... x
Yes, “getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.” Something I am learning at a snails pace, but so very much want to achieve. X
Hello Jody, One of the best essays I have read yet. But I have not been here for long. Powerful movement all through this piece. I resonate. I have proudly reclaimed crone. A women's council named me "The Salty Crone." At first I wondered, is this a compliment or insult? It is to be "outspoken" as you speak about, no more lying to ourselves. Initially, our generation can feel shocked by the degree of patriarchy we lived under. I'm not able to lie or lie down. I love your words—if we don't do it, who will model for the generations to come. I never married but raised and still raise adult children with disabilities singly—unexpectedly—consciously aware of more that I can contain at times. Grandma is not n the cards for me, I get to be mother until the end. I'm happy to find you and look forward to reading more. Great resources! "The motherless mothers..." Thank you. P.S. I just came to Substack, I'm in year 67 — thank you.
Welcome to Substack Prajna - I took a look at your work too and non-mothers/mothers we all have so much to learn/teach other, and the rising generations to come. Patriarchy and pronatalism are the soup we swim in and at almost 60, I am really starting to reflect on how much it has cost me, and all the women I know. x
Yes, I'm with you. And this whole thing called "normal" — nothing about life fits the concept of normal. It's a house of cards — crumbling. Thank you for looking.
I once heard that "normal" is nothing but a setting on a dishwasher, and it's stuck with me. And as we age, we become even more diverse as life has its way with us! x
I have pretty much always had IDGAF energy, mostly because I'm really obtuse about picking up on social cues. I've never been a people pleaser, and though I've never been tested or formally diagnosed, I've long thought I might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. I never really learned how to be anything other than honest and straightforward, and as a consequence, have been called some pretty rude things - passive/aggressive, direct, bossy, bitchy, difficult, and the ever-popular "challenging." Probably all true, but my intent was never to insult or injure, I was just trying to be honest and true to my own values and beliefs. I take constructive criticism pretty well, because I believe that I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it in return. Growing up in the deep South of the US, those qualities and other things that I couldn't control, like being the "new girl" and being "book smart" have gotten me ostracized in so many social settings. So I guess the goal for me these days is to learn to be better at speaking up in a way that encourages conversation and relationship instead of shutting it down. I'm a work in progress, but coming to understand, belatedly, that the patriarchy and other social constructs are probably as big a part of the problem as my lack of social skills has been an enormous relief.
Isn't it interesting that when we are (by nature or nurture or both) a woman who does not toe the patriarchal line, we are insulted and belittled? (By other women mostly perhaps too?) I can imagine that all of the qualities that have made you exceptional in your work, if they were qualities exhibited by a man, would be seen as 'firmness', 'clearness', 'good leader', etc! I hope that as an older woman, you will begin to experience some liberation from some of this! xx
I could have written this post myself. Alcoholic mother, unmarried until I was 40, fertility issues, childless and now just trying to figure out how I will fare in older age. 60 is a biggie. The health issues seem to come out and play. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. I love life! I feel young. I still have soooo much to do!
Yep, sixty is a real doozy, that's for sure! Have you read my article about not recognising myself in the mirror? It's the most read piece I've written! I'm sorry that you can relate to so many of the hard life experiences I shared in this piece. xxx
https://jodyday.substack.com/p/who-is-that-old-woman-in-the-mirror
Such a big YES to courageous conversations Jody! I'm slowly learning to find and honour my voice as I move into my 50s. What a process this is for women in general and childless women in particular. Looking forward to your upcoming fireside conversation 😊
Thank you so much Vicki. I've had a situation recently with a friend where I've felt hurt, and yet it doesn't/didn't yet feel right to have 'that' conversation... Sometimes not having them can be a wise course too. I'm sure the moment will present itself.
Jody, I always find such synchronicity in your posts. From leaving home at 18 to go to London and looking for love in all the wrong places, because I could, to finding out early on I probably wouldn’t have children. To growing up with an alcoholic father that I didn’t understand until we got to know each other just before he died. Looking back I realise there was trauma and abandonment and emotional shutdown. But at the time it all felt normal, oh how much it has taken to unravel. The best is only just beginning, because I know myself. With love and light. 💫🙏
Bless you Louise for relating, and letting me know. I was a child in an adult's body, as so many traumatized adult children of alcoholics are! Getting to know myself has been the hardest and most rewarding relationship of my life, and I like the person I see in the mirror now, because I know her and I can trust her; sounds like you can too xxx
A child in an adults body, oh my god yes! That’s so wonderful to know that you can know and trust and know her, I’d say it’s a work in progress for me and what a beautiful journey to be on xxx