Wow! So extraordinarily powerful! you are so brave and so honest and so revealing. I understand what it’s like to subjugate my power and also to assert my power - to fight my way to the surface to speak my own truth, my opinions. And yes it had caused arguing and challenges, but I’m not to be stifled!
I do believe that this has been a part of many women’s lives. I started really asserting my opinions more strongly in my 40’s and onward. It sure “upset the apple cart”, with family, spouse, and in the medical world. I felt like my voice was a cry in the dark - longing to be heard, fighting to be heard, especially when advocating for my daughter in the hospital.
Now In my 60’s , my writing has allowed me to say things that are heard better in print then through words spoken . People hear things better when they’re in the written form. I think a lot of times when a woman speaks, we are not truly heard. I feel I’ve reached more people through my writing than through my talking. But I press on and find new ways to communicate verbally so as to be heard . I’ve had some success in recent years. I gave a speech at the end of my career at work yesterday and people gave me a standing ovation. They really heard me. It felt really good. It’s a rare but wonderful when that happens.
As you may journey parenting Laura as a mother, a woman was enduring -I struggle to be heard to advocate for Laura. My husband just had to be in the room at a school meeting or a Hospital conference and anything he said was heard even if it was very little. Often I had to bring him along just to sit there. He was a quiet person and he did not do the advocating, but his presence helped them to hear me, which was very sad for me- that I had to do that in order to be heard.
As I older age, and since Laura ‘s loss, I have new missions to conquer and new stories that need to be heard about being heard, of bringing awareness and understanding of what it like to be bereaved parent of an only child, of being in a minority within a minority of bereaved parents who have other living children.
I enter older with a similar lifestyle of those who never had children and who will not have grandchildren, but with a different past-one of having been a parent. it’s a lot to tackle, but I’m up for the job.
I relate to so much of what you write thank you so much . You are amazing. You may even be my idol at this point. I think you are an incredible woman and writer. I hope I get to meet you someday. keep on writing, and I will keep on reading!
Thank you so much Susan for sharing your response. And I'm so pleased that you got a standing ovation yesterday as you ended your career. I can feel with you the strangeness that comes with your experience of both being and not being a parent... that dual reality. Walking that path alongside you expands my understanding of the many ways we can find ourselves ageing without children or grandchildren. Thank you for appreciating my work so much, although I resist the idea of being idolised - I'm just another perfectly imperfect human, plodding along, doing my best (mostly!) Big hugs, Jody x
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. I can relate in some ways… emotionally absent narcissistic mother, (however, she is on her 6th marriage! Lol). The difference in my upbringing and ability to speak up for myself and have “courageous conversations” comes from her second husband- my dad. Well, he’s my dad by marriage but he’s the real deal. He gave me the confidence to use my voice. Fortunately, she managed to stay married to him for 15 years and so I was blessed.
However, I find myself stuck in and out of an abusive relationship. Which quieted me down quite a bit for a while. My journey through internal work and healing has been long, but has really just begun. And I’m a generation behind you. I don’t know much but I do know that if I didn’t have a strong man to counteract my mother for my whole upbringing, I’d probably be such a mess. Of course, it was 50/50– he was away working about 50% of the time. I subconsciously lived my entire 20s and some of my 30s living to be exactly the opposite of my mother. My dad taught me how to be a lady! My best advice to a girlfriend of mine who has a lot of trouble speaking up for herself, is: What is the worst that can happen? Just do it. Even if you aren’t pleased with your choice of words or whatever it is, you’ll probably still feel better. Perhaps, empowered.
I was 35 when I got into this terrible abusive relationship and saw a whole new aspect of life. I experienced being quiet at all times just to keep the peace, to meet his needs and abide by his rules. Truthfully, it is a real head trip, having been the outspoken one most of my life. Funny, I feel like I’ve become more of a humbled lady because of it in the long run. Your post has made me think, has it? Or is that just my skewed perception of what a “lady” is supposed to be?
I really enjoyed reading this and I look forward to reading and learning more from you!
Thank you so much for sharing the ways in which this essay touched you, and your own personal experience. My Mum's 2nd marriage (years 15-21) was incredibly healing for me because, at least for the first few years, he was emotionally present for me, and showed me that men could be something than dangerous and predatory; my own first husband, not suprisingly, actually looked a lot like him! I too ended up in an abusive relationship after my marriage broke down in my late 30s.. with a charismatic narcissist... which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to disentangle myself from... I didn't know what I was dealing with and kept being seduced/suckered back into it again and again before I managed to walk away and stay away for good (with the help of the police). I lost my voice in that relationship and nearly lost my mind from the gaslighting and learning to find myself and my voice after it has shaped me into the woman I am today. After being single for most of my forties and early fifties, and training to be a psychotherapist (which involves a TON of personal work!) I met the man I'm now married to - a kind, secure, reliable man who is my biggest fan and champion and never bullshits me (or anyone else). And I'm still learning to find my truest voice, even with him. My nervous system is a tender one after my life experiences, and speaking my truth makes me shake; and somehow, I manage it! Good luck to you dear Lisa as you navigate your way through recovering from your mother, and finding your voice again. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much. I just turned 40, and have been untangling myself from basically the same man as you, for the past few years…he awaits trial as we speak. Facing 64 years this time. I can’t see myself trusting another, or myself, enough to not be alone forever. So you have given me hope for the future! I appreciate the thoughtful response.
Sending BIG love Lisa; I never thought I would ever trust MYSELF to choose a partner again after him, and chose to remain single for a long time. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long road, but there are some excellent guides and it is possible. I now look back on him/that relationship as one of my biggest teachers in helping me to become the woman I am today. Really. Fucking. Hard. though!
Yes, you nailed it with that unspoken contract to compromise, no I literally became someone else for 24+ years to be loved and protected. And I would’ve been loyal till he wasn’t loyal and I had physical proof. I didn’t scream, cry, grieve; like a switch turning on a light, I was released to be myself again for better or worse. I could breathe again. The chains fell off. But, like you, yes I had chained myself. I was complicit in the ways he abused me, I allowed it justified it, he needed me. Actually, he did need me to support him. But, now I’m me again, I can see he was a parasite all along living off my life energy. I wonder at the strength I’ve had to experience my childhood and marriage. But nowadays, I have to admit, I’m fearful at times I will spontaneously combust. I have all this energy inside that’s not being used up resisting being abused or not being my true self.
Hello Jody, One of the best essays I have read yet. But I have not been here for long. Powerful movement all through this piece. I resonate. I have proudly reclaimed crone. A women's council named me "The Salty Crone." At first I wondered, is this a compliment or insult? It is to be "outspoken" as you speak about, no more lying to ourselves. Initially, our generation can feel shocked by the degree of patriarchy we lived under. I'm not able to lie or lie down. I love your words—if we don't do it, who will model for the generations to come. I never married but raised and still raise adult children with disabilities singly—unexpectedly—consciously aware of more that I can contain at times. Grandma is not n the cards for me, I get to be mother until the end. I'm happy to find you and look forward to reading more. Great resources! "The motherless mothers..." Thank you. P.S. I just came to Substack, I'm in year 67 — thank you.
Welcome to Substack Prajna - I took a look at your work too and non-mothers/mothers we all have so much to learn/teach other, and the rising generations to come. Patriarchy and pronatalism are the soup we swim in and at almost 60, I am really starting to reflect on how much it has cost me, and all the women I know. x
Yes, I'm with you. And this whole thing called "normal" — nothing about life fits the concept of normal. It's a house of cards — crumbling. Thank you for looking.
The original essay was plenty impactful, and now having sat with the updated version most of the evening - it takes great courage to share something so vulnerable and deeply touching, so thank you. Centuries of patriarchy have served to really distort the female experience and have caused SO much harm. The pressure to conform is very intense when we’re young, and often comes at a great cost - and letting go of the ‘shadow life’ (currently re-reading Ch. 7) is so hard! I’ve registered for the webinar - may not be able to make it live but very much look forward to the recording!
Thank you so much Marta... it was interesting how the original essay stayed with me, but something about it felt not quite 'right' and then I realised that my trajectory from a young girl silenced by fear and neglect to a mature woman finding her voice again was not a straight line at all... but that I had taken a devastating detour as a young woman... I hope you enjoy the recording of the webinar - we organise them around the Solstices and Equinoxes which have fallen midweek for several years now... we may need to move them to Saturdays so that more of our US audience are perhaps able to join! Hugs, Jody x
I love that the webinars are organized around Solstices and Equinoxes - seems a wonderful time(s) to gather Elders and learn from them! Despite the capitalist trope (most of us) are sold starting at young ages (check all the boxes, do all the right things and all will turn out fine) - it seems very few of our paths are linear, but we don’t hear about those stories as often, so thank you for sharing yours. 💕
I could have written this post myself. Alcoholic mother, unmarried until I was 40, fertility issues, childless and now just trying to figure out how I will fare in older age. 60 is a biggie. The health issues seem to come out and play. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. I love life! I feel young. I still have soooo much to do!
Yep, sixty is a real doozy, that's for sure! Have you read my article about not recognising myself in the mirror? It's the most read piece I've written! I'm sorry that you can relate to so many of the hard life experiences I shared in this piece. xxx
Wow Jody, this piece is so incredibly interesting, and helps me to understand your path to childlessness more completely.
Reminded me of my first boyfriend - his family were upper class too. We got engaged, but I broke it off. Lucky escape, as I heard he developed serious addiction problems later on. xxx
Thanks Katherine - I've been sharing so much about myself for 15 years now that it suprises me when a new seam of awareness/memory opens up. How interesteing about your first boyfriend too... and the addiction issues... My ex-husband is in his late 60s now, and has really struggled the last 20-odd years we've been apart; I really was keeping the wheels on HIS road going, but at an unsurvivable cost to my own... xxx
I always got the impression Jody, that he really struggled since you’ve been apart. Yes, the cost to you would have been one way too high to pay ….. and, I imagine no fabulous forever home on the stunning Wild Atlantic Way!! 😁 xxx
Such a big YES to courageous conversations Jody! I'm slowly learning to find and honour my voice as I move into my 50s. What a process this is for women in general and childless women in particular. Looking forward to your upcoming fireside conversation 😊
Thank you so much Vicki. I've had a situation recently with a friend where I've felt hurt, and yet it doesn't/didn't yet feel right to have 'that' conversation... Sometimes not having them can be a wise course too. I'm sure the moment will present itself.
Wow, so much in this that I appreciated reading and related to. Being gaslit as a young woman and still as an older woman. Your assessments of friends and family. Vulnerable writing for sure. Great writing.
Thank you so very much for understanding, appreciating and commenting. One of the hardest parts to realise was how much I lied to myself... and my naivety in thinking that I'd 'got away with it'....
I’ve never felt the sting of childlessness or being single most of my life. Oh I’ve had partners and even a few husbands along the way but my best years, especially the last twenty-five, have been unencumbered by the responsibilities imbedded in intimate relationships and the raising offspring. Looking back I know I would have never had the interesting life I’ve lived had I taken a more traditional path. I too have a sister with a husband and children and grandchildren who’s “in charge” of family holidays and traditions but she is also the sister who took responsibility for our mother despite having a demanding career and raising a family while I galavanted around the country. I don’t resent her. I admire her. I love her. And I’m grateful that she’s “in charge” keeping our family traditions alive and bringing us together. I think if we are comfortable in our skin, live the life we’ve chosen and accept that there are trade offs for our independence, the voices of the critics become dimmer and our own stronger. You are correct, the middle years are the most challenging, but at 75 I can attest that remaining true to oneself leads to a greater sense of peace and satisfaction. Play the long game.
I love that your 'life unexpected' is one that you inhabit and cherish with such satisfaction! And that your sister's 'taking charge' of everything is something you appreciate and that it enables you to live your own life more fully. It's so good to hear from those women older than me that a quiet, unpartnered, childless life can be a deeply fulfilling one too; the culture really hides this from us! Thank you again x
Jody, I always find such synchronicity in your posts. From leaving home at 18 to go to London and looking for love in all the wrong places, because I could, to finding out early on I probably wouldn’t have children. To growing up with an alcoholic father that I didn’t understand until we got to know each other just before he died. Looking back I realise there was trauma and abandonment and emotional shutdown. But at the time it all felt normal, oh how much it has taken to unravel. The best is only just beginning, because I know myself. With love and light. 💫🙏
Bless you Louise for relating, and letting me know. I was a child in an adult's body, as so many traumatized adult children of alcoholics are! Getting to know myself has been the hardest and most rewarding relationship of my life, and I like the person I see in the mirror now, because I know her and I can trust her; sounds like you can too xxx
A child in an adults body, oh my god yes! That’s so wonderful to know that you can know and trust and know her, I’d say it’s a work in progress for me and what a beautiful journey to be on xxx
I'm having to deal with a sister in law from he'll. For many years my parents and I grinned and bore it for the sake of keeping the family together while my SIL and, to a lesser extent, my brother rampaged like bulls in a China shop with their self-satisfied attitude. When my SIL grilled me as to why I didn't have children I told her I didn't want them which is the simple truth. Even if I had wanted them circumstances in my and my late husband's life weren't conducive to having a family, but my SIL is too dense and insensitive to realise that. In her eyes I'm a second class person and she treats me with contempt. What's new is that I hit back these days. When she got all sanctimonious I asked her what she was doing to safeguarded the future of her children and grand children. Had she changed her ways? Was she living more sustainably nowadays? At this point she got very defensive and started mocking me. That's the last resort when the argument has been lost. I've had clashes with my late dad who couldn't cope with my outspokenness. I told him that he'd always been very sure of his opinion, like most men, but could be quick to undermine and question women's opinions. I told him that he was applying a different standard to women. My brother and SIL think I'm being aggressive when I fight back, but I told them I'm merely defending myself. No more MS nice woman. It can be a he'll of a shock for them when you hold the mirror in their faces. I guess after menopause I've lost the acquiescence hormones. Just as well.
Hi Sue - yes, I think of oestrogen as the 'there there, make things nice, don't rock the boat' hormone and it can be a real shock to those around us when we no longer play that role. One of my choices is not to waste my time explaining myself to people who are committed to misunderstanding me (thanks Rainbow Rowell for that one). Interesting isn't it that a woman speaking her mind is 'aggressive' whereas a man would be 'forthright', 'plainspoken' (and probably admired from it!) x
One of the ways I reclaimed my inner courage, back when I was in my late 30s, divorcing my husband and had no hope of either bearing of adopting a child, I bought myself a courage and walked into church and up the aisle wearing it on Mothers Day. I had been encouraged to honor the mother in me by a woman I met in a 12-step group. It felt right to honor my 3 failed pregnancies. It was difficult. My walk up the aisle was slow. I felt like some woman was going to rip the corsage off me and throw it on the floor. But that didn’t happen. And I felt stronger by publically acknowledging my efforts to bear a child, or adopt one, that I would dearly loved to have mothered through his or her life.
Hazel, I admire you so much for taking that action to honour your love for the children that live only in your heart; bravo to your 12 step friends who encouraged you to do so. xx
I have pretty much always had IDGAF energy, mostly because I'm really obtuse about picking up on social cues. I've never been a people pleaser, and though I've never been tested or formally diagnosed, I've long thought I might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. I never really learned how to be anything other than honest and straightforward, and as a consequence, have been called some pretty rude things - passive/aggressive, direct, bossy, bitchy, difficult, and the ever-popular "challenging." Probably all true, but my intent was never to insult or injure, I was just trying to be honest and true to my own values and beliefs. I take constructive criticism pretty well, because I believe that I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it in return. Growing up in the deep South of the US, those qualities and other things that I couldn't control, like being the "new girl" and being "book smart" have gotten me ostracized in so many social settings. So I guess the goal for me these days is to learn to be better at speaking up in a way that encourages conversation and relationship instead of shutting it down. I'm a work in progress, but coming to understand, belatedly, that the patriarchy and other social constructs are probably as big a part of the problem as my lack of social skills has been an enormous relief.
Isn't it interesting that when we are (by nature or nurture or both) a woman who does not toe the patriarchal line, we are insulted and belittled? (By other women mostly perhaps too?) I can imagine that all of the qualities that have made you exceptional in your work, if they were qualities exhibited by a man, would be seen as 'firmness', 'clearness', 'good leader', etc! I hope that as an older woman, you will begin to experience some liberation from some of this! xx
Hi Jody, this is such an interesting conversation. For me, getting older and a bit more mellow, I tend to be less limbic in response to the careless, thoughtless things that people say. I used to react by either stifling how I felt or by saying something cutting or sarcastic. Both ways I felt I was diminished either by my shamed silence or my sharp tongue. It all came from a place of pain. Nowadays, courage is to have the clarity of mind to choose the right words for the right situation. Two quotes come to mind. One from the 13th century poet Rumi 'raise your words not your voice' and the other from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament, 'a gentle word can break a bone'.
The power of words! Looking forward to the Fireside wisdom conversation. xx
I hear this. I believe sarcasm was one of the few tools my mother had at her disposal to make her voice heard when I was growing up. She was a stay-at-home mother and homemaker, sandwiched between her four children and her aging elders. She had a big heart and was a good Mom. It was the life she started out seeking and in some ways it became the source of her disappointment. We children mostly absorbed that disappointment and spent our young lives trying to please her. To fix it. Clearly we couldn’t fix it.
With a better sense of mindfulness these days, I too try to take a breath and choose. Choose words. Choose battles. Choose how I want to spend my limited time on earth. One needn’t join every ego-based argument one is invited to. There is no point to prove. Acting with love is a choice.
I don't where the expression comes from, but the phrase, 'you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to' comes to mind! Ah, some of the discernment of ageing is delightful! x
hi Barbara, you are spot on- we always have a choice. I remember realising that when a comment or piece of negativity came flying my way I didn't 'have' to catch it- I could actually choose to just let it fly right by. I began to see how much energy I was spending on things that were simply reactions to other people. It's also the right not have to have an opinion on everything. As you say, picking the battle and deciding how much energy to expend on it, when I could be using it for something more life-giving. A bit like pruning a rose bush..... cut off all the loose straggly off shoots and re-focus the sap to get the beautiful blooms.
I love your phraseology Cath 'less limbic' - isn't that the truth! I can certainly spend a lot more time mulling over how I want to respond to something these days, if at all. I had a fierce, hot, temper and a sharp tongue as a young woman, and then went the other way in midlife (I've added a lot more to the essay about that now); in my old age, I'm hoping to find a balance between the two! x
Wow! So extraordinarily powerful! you are so brave and so honest and so revealing. I understand what it’s like to subjugate my power and also to assert my power - to fight my way to the surface to speak my own truth, my opinions. And yes it had caused arguing and challenges, but I’m not to be stifled!
I do believe that this has been a part of many women’s lives. I started really asserting my opinions more strongly in my 40’s and onward. It sure “upset the apple cart”, with family, spouse, and in the medical world. I felt like my voice was a cry in the dark - longing to be heard, fighting to be heard, especially when advocating for my daughter in the hospital.
Now In my 60’s , my writing has allowed me to say things that are heard better in print then through words spoken . People hear things better when they’re in the written form. I think a lot of times when a woman speaks, we are not truly heard. I feel I’ve reached more people through my writing than through my talking. But I press on and find new ways to communicate verbally so as to be heard . I’ve had some success in recent years. I gave a speech at the end of my career at work yesterday and people gave me a standing ovation. They really heard me. It felt really good. It’s a rare but wonderful when that happens.
As you may journey parenting Laura as a mother, a woman was enduring -I struggle to be heard to advocate for Laura. My husband just had to be in the room at a school meeting or a Hospital conference and anything he said was heard even if it was very little. Often I had to bring him along just to sit there. He was a quiet person and he did not do the advocating, but his presence helped them to hear me, which was very sad for me- that I had to do that in order to be heard.
As I older age, and since Laura ‘s loss, I have new missions to conquer and new stories that need to be heard about being heard, of bringing awareness and understanding of what it like to be bereaved parent of an only child, of being in a minority within a minority of bereaved parents who have other living children.
I enter older with a similar lifestyle of those who never had children and who will not have grandchildren, but with a different past-one of having been a parent. it’s a lot to tackle, but I’m up for the job.
I relate to so much of what you write thank you so much . You are amazing. You may even be my idol at this point. I think you are an incredible woman and writer. I hope I get to meet you someday. keep on writing, and I will keep on reading!
💜🙏with love Susan
Thank you so much Susan for sharing your response. And I'm so pleased that you got a standing ovation yesterday as you ended your career. I can feel with you the strangeness that comes with your experience of both being and not being a parent... that dual reality. Walking that path alongside you expands my understanding of the many ways we can find ourselves ageing without children or grandchildren. Thank you for appreciating my work so much, although I resist the idea of being idolised - I'm just another perfectly imperfect human, plodding along, doing my best (mostly!) Big hugs, Jody x
Wow! I really enjoyed reading this. I can relate in some ways… emotionally absent narcissistic mother, (however, she is on her 6th marriage! Lol). The difference in my upbringing and ability to speak up for myself and have “courageous conversations” comes from her second husband- my dad. Well, he’s my dad by marriage but he’s the real deal. He gave me the confidence to use my voice. Fortunately, she managed to stay married to him for 15 years and so I was blessed.
However, I find myself stuck in and out of an abusive relationship. Which quieted me down quite a bit for a while. My journey through internal work and healing has been long, but has really just begun. And I’m a generation behind you. I don’t know much but I do know that if I didn’t have a strong man to counteract my mother for my whole upbringing, I’d probably be such a mess. Of course, it was 50/50– he was away working about 50% of the time. I subconsciously lived my entire 20s and some of my 30s living to be exactly the opposite of my mother. My dad taught me how to be a lady! My best advice to a girlfriend of mine who has a lot of trouble speaking up for herself, is: What is the worst that can happen? Just do it. Even if you aren’t pleased with your choice of words or whatever it is, you’ll probably still feel better. Perhaps, empowered.
I was 35 when I got into this terrible abusive relationship and saw a whole new aspect of life. I experienced being quiet at all times just to keep the peace, to meet his needs and abide by his rules. Truthfully, it is a real head trip, having been the outspoken one most of my life. Funny, I feel like I’ve become more of a humbled lady because of it in the long run. Your post has made me think, has it? Or is that just my skewed perception of what a “lady” is supposed to be?
I really enjoyed reading this and I look forward to reading and learning more from you!
Thanks.
Thank you so much for sharing the ways in which this essay touched you, and your own personal experience. My Mum's 2nd marriage (years 15-21) was incredibly healing for me because, at least for the first few years, he was emotionally present for me, and showed me that men could be something than dangerous and predatory; my own first husband, not suprisingly, actually looked a lot like him! I too ended up in an abusive relationship after my marriage broke down in my late 30s.. with a charismatic narcissist... which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to disentangle myself from... I didn't know what I was dealing with and kept being seduced/suckered back into it again and again before I managed to walk away and stay away for good (with the help of the police). I lost my voice in that relationship and nearly lost my mind from the gaslighting and learning to find myself and my voice after it has shaped me into the woman I am today. After being single for most of my forties and early fifties, and training to be a psychotherapist (which involves a TON of personal work!) I met the man I'm now married to - a kind, secure, reliable man who is my biggest fan and champion and never bullshits me (or anyone else). And I'm still learning to find my truest voice, even with him. My nervous system is a tender one after my life experiences, and speaking my truth makes me shake; and somehow, I manage it! Good luck to you dear Lisa as you navigate your way through recovering from your mother, and finding your voice again. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much. I just turned 40, and have been untangling myself from basically the same man as you, for the past few years…he awaits trial as we speak. Facing 64 years this time. I can’t see myself trusting another, or myself, enough to not be alone forever. So you have given me hope for the future! I appreciate the thoughtful response.
Sending BIG love Lisa; I never thought I would ever trust MYSELF to choose a partner again after him, and chose to remain single for a long time. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long road, but there are some excellent guides and it is possible. I now look back on him/that relationship as one of my biggest teachers in helping me to become the woman I am today. Really. Fucking. Hard. though!
Big hugs, Jody x
Yes, you nailed it with that unspoken contract to compromise, no I literally became someone else for 24+ years to be loved and protected. And I would’ve been loyal till he wasn’t loyal and I had physical proof. I didn’t scream, cry, grieve; like a switch turning on a light, I was released to be myself again for better or worse. I could breathe again. The chains fell off. But, like you, yes I had chained myself. I was complicit in the ways he abused me, I allowed it justified it, he needed me. Actually, he did need me to support him. But, now I’m me again, I can see he was a parasite all along living off my life energy. I wonder at the strength I’ve had to experience my childhood and marriage. But nowadays, I have to admit, I’m fearful at times I will spontaneously combust. I have all this energy inside that’s not being used up resisting being abused or not being my true self.
There are many parallels in our story dear one, over and above what I have written about in this essay. Sending you huge hugs. Jody x
Back at cha Sis.
Hello Jody, One of the best essays I have read yet. But I have not been here for long. Powerful movement all through this piece. I resonate. I have proudly reclaimed crone. A women's council named me "The Salty Crone." At first I wondered, is this a compliment or insult? It is to be "outspoken" as you speak about, no more lying to ourselves. Initially, our generation can feel shocked by the degree of patriarchy we lived under. I'm not able to lie or lie down. I love your words—if we don't do it, who will model for the generations to come. I never married but raised and still raise adult children with disabilities singly—unexpectedly—consciously aware of more that I can contain at times. Grandma is not n the cards for me, I get to be mother until the end. I'm happy to find you and look forward to reading more. Great resources! "The motherless mothers..." Thank you. P.S. I just came to Substack, I'm in year 67 — thank you.
Welcome to Substack Prajna - I took a look at your work too and non-mothers/mothers we all have so much to learn/teach other, and the rising generations to come. Patriarchy and pronatalism are the soup we swim in and at almost 60, I am really starting to reflect on how much it has cost me, and all the women I know. x
Yes, I'm with you. And this whole thing called "normal" — nothing about life fits the concept of normal. It's a house of cards — crumbling. Thank you for looking.
The original essay was plenty impactful, and now having sat with the updated version most of the evening - it takes great courage to share something so vulnerable and deeply touching, so thank you. Centuries of patriarchy have served to really distort the female experience and have caused SO much harm. The pressure to conform is very intense when we’re young, and often comes at a great cost - and letting go of the ‘shadow life’ (currently re-reading Ch. 7) is so hard! I’ve registered for the webinar - may not be able to make it live but very much look forward to the recording!
Thank you so much Marta... it was interesting how the original essay stayed with me, but something about it felt not quite 'right' and then I realised that my trajectory from a young girl silenced by fear and neglect to a mature woman finding her voice again was not a straight line at all... but that I had taken a devastating detour as a young woman... I hope you enjoy the recording of the webinar - we organise them around the Solstices and Equinoxes which have fallen midweek for several years now... we may need to move them to Saturdays so that more of our US audience are perhaps able to join! Hugs, Jody x
Not a straight line
I love that the webinars are organized around Solstices and Equinoxes - seems a wonderful time(s) to gather Elders and learn from them! Despite the capitalist trope (most of us) are sold starting at young ages (check all the boxes, do all the right things and all will turn out fine) - it seems very few of our paths are linear, but we don’t hear about those stories as often, so thank you for sharing yours. 💕
I could have written this post myself. Alcoholic mother, unmarried until I was 40, fertility issues, childless and now just trying to figure out how I will fare in older age. 60 is a biggie. The health issues seem to come out and play. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. I love life! I feel young. I still have soooo much to do!
Yep, sixty is a real doozy, that's for sure! Have you read my article about not recognising myself in the mirror? It's the most read piece I've written! I'm sorry that you can relate to so many of the hard life experiences I shared in this piece. xxx
https://jodyday.substack.com/p/who-is-that-old-woman-in-the-mirror
Wow Jody, this piece is so incredibly interesting, and helps me to understand your path to childlessness more completely.
Reminded me of my first boyfriend - his family were upper class too. We got engaged, but I broke it off. Lucky escape, as I heard he developed serious addiction problems later on. xxx
Thanks Katherine - I've been sharing so much about myself for 15 years now that it suprises me when a new seam of awareness/memory opens up. How interesteing about your first boyfriend too... and the addiction issues... My ex-husband is in his late 60s now, and has really struggled the last 20-odd years we've been apart; I really was keeping the wheels on HIS road going, but at an unsurvivable cost to my own... xxx
I always got the impression Jody, that he really struggled since you’ve been apart. Yes, the cost to you would have been one way too high to pay ….. and, I imagine no fabulous forever home on the stunning Wild Atlantic Way!! 😁 xxx
Such a big YES to courageous conversations Jody! I'm slowly learning to find and honour my voice as I move into my 50s. What a process this is for women in general and childless women in particular. Looking forward to your upcoming fireside conversation 😊
Thank you so much Vicki. I've had a situation recently with a friend where I've felt hurt, and yet it doesn't/didn't yet feel right to have 'that' conversation... Sometimes not having them can be a wise course too. I'm sure the moment will present itself.
Wow, so much in this that I appreciated reading and related to. Being gaslit as a young woman and still as an older woman. Your assessments of friends and family. Vulnerable writing for sure. Great writing.
Thank you so very much for understanding, appreciating and commenting. One of the hardest parts to realise was how much I lied to myself... and my naivety in thinking that I'd 'got away with it'....
That phrase “the cost” of lying to oneself, really stick with me, hit me hard with acknowledgment.
I’ve never felt the sting of childlessness or being single most of my life. Oh I’ve had partners and even a few husbands along the way but my best years, especially the last twenty-five, have been unencumbered by the responsibilities imbedded in intimate relationships and the raising offspring. Looking back I know I would have never had the interesting life I’ve lived had I taken a more traditional path. I too have a sister with a husband and children and grandchildren who’s “in charge” of family holidays and traditions but she is also the sister who took responsibility for our mother despite having a demanding career and raising a family while I galavanted around the country. I don’t resent her. I admire her. I love her. And I’m grateful that she’s “in charge” keeping our family traditions alive and bringing us together. I think if we are comfortable in our skin, live the life we’ve chosen and accept that there are trade offs for our independence, the voices of the critics become dimmer and our own stronger. You are correct, the middle years are the most challenging, but at 75 I can attest that remaining true to oneself leads to a greater sense of peace and satisfaction. Play the long game.
I love that your 'life unexpected' is one that you inhabit and cherish with such satisfaction! And that your sister's 'taking charge' of everything is something you appreciate and that it enables you to live your own life more fully. It's so good to hear from those women older than me that a quiet, unpartnered, childless life can be a deeply fulfilling one too; the culture really hides this from us! Thank you again x
You're right about not wasting energy on certain people. Luckily, I don't meet my SIL very often. If I never saw her again it would still be too soon!
Jody, I always find such synchronicity in your posts. From leaving home at 18 to go to London and looking for love in all the wrong places, because I could, to finding out early on I probably wouldn’t have children. To growing up with an alcoholic father that I didn’t understand until we got to know each other just before he died. Looking back I realise there was trauma and abandonment and emotional shutdown. But at the time it all felt normal, oh how much it has taken to unravel. The best is only just beginning, because I know myself. With love and light. 💫🙏
Bless you Louise for relating, and letting me know. I was a child in an adult's body, as so many traumatized adult children of alcoholics are! Getting to know myself has been the hardest and most rewarding relationship of my life, and I like the person I see in the mirror now, because I know her and I can trust her; sounds like you can too xxx
A child in an adults body, oh my god yes! That’s so wonderful to know that you can know and trust and know her, I’d say it’s a work in progress for me and what a beautiful journey to be on xxx
I'm having to deal with a sister in law from he'll. For many years my parents and I grinned and bore it for the sake of keeping the family together while my SIL and, to a lesser extent, my brother rampaged like bulls in a China shop with their self-satisfied attitude. When my SIL grilled me as to why I didn't have children I told her I didn't want them which is the simple truth. Even if I had wanted them circumstances in my and my late husband's life weren't conducive to having a family, but my SIL is too dense and insensitive to realise that. In her eyes I'm a second class person and she treats me with contempt. What's new is that I hit back these days. When she got all sanctimonious I asked her what she was doing to safeguarded the future of her children and grand children. Had she changed her ways? Was she living more sustainably nowadays? At this point she got very defensive and started mocking me. That's the last resort when the argument has been lost. I've had clashes with my late dad who couldn't cope with my outspokenness. I told him that he'd always been very sure of his opinion, like most men, but could be quick to undermine and question women's opinions. I told him that he was applying a different standard to women. My brother and SIL think I'm being aggressive when I fight back, but I told them I'm merely defending myself. No more MS nice woman. It can be a he'll of a shock for them when you hold the mirror in their faces. I guess after menopause I've lost the acquiescence hormones. Just as well.
Hi Sue - yes, I think of oestrogen as the 'there there, make things nice, don't rock the boat' hormone and it can be a real shock to those around us when we no longer play that role. One of my choices is not to waste my time explaining myself to people who are committed to misunderstanding me (thanks Rainbow Rowell for that one). Interesting isn't it that a woman speaking her mind is 'aggressive' whereas a man would be 'forthright', 'plainspoken' (and probably admired from it!) x
One of the ways I reclaimed my inner courage, back when I was in my late 30s, divorcing my husband and had no hope of either bearing of adopting a child, I bought myself a courage and walked into church and up the aisle wearing it on Mothers Day. I had been encouraged to honor the mother in me by a woman I met in a 12-step group. It felt right to honor my 3 failed pregnancies. It was difficult. My walk up the aisle was slow. I felt like some woman was going to rip the corsage off me and throw it on the floor. But that didn’t happen. And I felt stronger by publically acknowledging my efforts to bear a child, or adopt one, that I would dearly loved to have mothered through his or her life.
Hazel, I admire you so much for taking that action to honour your love for the children that live only in your heart; bravo to your 12 step friends who encouraged you to do so. xx
I have pretty much always had IDGAF energy, mostly because I'm really obtuse about picking up on social cues. I've never been a people pleaser, and though I've never been tested or formally diagnosed, I've long thought I might be on the autism spectrum somewhere. I never really learned how to be anything other than honest and straightforward, and as a consequence, have been called some pretty rude things - passive/aggressive, direct, bossy, bitchy, difficult, and the ever-popular "challenging." Probably all true, but my intent was never to insult or injure, I was just trying to be honest and true to my own values and beliefs. I take constructive criticism pretty well, because I believe that I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it in return. Growing up in the deep South of the US, those qualities and other things that I couldn't control, like being the "new girl" and being "book smart" have gotten me ostracized in so many social settings. So I guess the goal for me these days is to learn to be better at speaking up in a way that encourages conversation and relationship instead of shutting it down. I'm a work in progress, but coming to understand, belatedly, that the patriarchy and other social constructs are probably as big a part of the problem as my lack of social skills has been an enormous relief.
Isn't it interesting that when we are (by nature or nurture or both) a woman who does not toe the patriarchal line, we are insulted and belittled? (By other women mostly perhaps too?) I can imagine that all of the qualities that have made you exceptional in your work, if they were qualities exhibited by a man, would be seen as 'firmness', 'clearness', 'good leader', etc! I hope that as an older woman, you will begin to experience some liberation from some of this! xx
Hi Jody, this is such an interesting conversation. For me, getting older and a bit more mellow, I tend to be less limbic in response to the careless, thoughtless things that people say. I used to react by either stifling how I felt or by saying something cutting or sarcastic. Both ways I felt I was diminished either by my shamed silence or my sharp tongue. It all came from a place of pain. Nowadays, courage is to have the clarity of mind to choose the right words for the right situation. Two quotes come to mind. One from the 13th century poet Rumi 'raise your words not your voice' and the other from the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament, 'a gentle word can break a bone'.
The power of words! Looking forward to the Fireside wisdom conversation. xx
I hear this. I believe sarcasm was one of the few tools my mother had at her disposal to make her voice heard when I was growing up. She was a stay-at-home mother and homemaker, sandwiched between her four children and her aging elders. She had a big heart and was a good Mom. It was the life she started out seeking and in some ways it became the source of her disappointment. We children mostly absorbed that disappointment and spent our young lives trying to please her. To fix it. Clearly we couldn’t fix it.
With a better sense of mindfulness these days, I too try to take a breath and choose. Choose words. Choose battles. Choose how I want to spend my limited time on earth. One needn’t join every ego-based argument one is invited to. There is no point to prove. Acting with love is a choice.
I don't where the expression comes from, but the phrase, 'you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to' comes to mind! Ah, some of the discernment of ageing is delightful! x
Exactly that. 💚
hi Barbara, you are spot on- we always have a choice. I remember realising that when a comment or piece of negativity came flying my way I didn't 'have' to catch it- I could actually choose to just let it fly right by. I began to see how much energy I was spending on things that were simply reactions to other people. It's also the right not have to have an opinion on everything. As you say, picking the battle and deciding how much energy to expend on it, when I could be using it for something more life-giving. A bit like pruning a rose bush..... cut off all the loose straggly off shoots and re-focus the sap to get the beautiful blooms.
💚
I love your phraseology Cath 'less limbic' - isn't that the truth! I can certainly spend a lot more time mulling over how I want to respond to something these days, if at all. I had a fierce, hot, temper and a sharp tongue as a young woman, and then went the other way in midlife (I've added a lot more to the essay about that now); in my old age, I'm hoping to find a balance between the two! x