I feel like I could have written this. I will be turning 57 this month. I want to like what I see in the mirror, or at least accept her, while at the same time not caring at all about how I look. Somehow I believe that place exists and I hope to find myself there some day.
Can I just say Jody that you are more beautiful at 59 than at 24 (though so young and pretty!!) What a gorgeous face full of kindness and warmth. Thank you again for your honest and life affirming writing.
You made me think of the beautiful poem by Wanda B Goines - the gift-wrap & the jewel. I think I posted a Note on Substack of me reading it. You can find the poet's movie rendition on YouTube. Thanks for sharing
I loved this article so much and deeply related to it. My appearance is just starting to really change, and I've stopped really looking at myself. It's so strange to age
I guess it was weird going through adolescence too, but that was leading to 'adulthood' and being validated as adult members of the world... but as this transition is leading towards death, it seems much harder to face it, or validate it for the powerful passage it is. (And there's a lot more to look forward to than death!) x
Ok 2 things: I totally am wrapping my head around me not being the young one but the old one. And I’ve gotten into facial massage/self osteopathy and it’s helping. Makes me feel good but also relaxing. But man I get this x
Thanks Anne Marie - It's a big shift, even for those who thought we were cool with it... The way this essay and my others on ageing as a post-reproductive woman, have been getting a ton of comments and 'ahas' from other women...
Hi Jody, boy did this post resonate with me! I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. All the changes you mentioned are happening to me. And it happened so fast! When I was young, I thought I was ugly. I recently came across a picture of me in my 20s and -- get this -- I literally didn't recognize myself. And I discovered, eventually, that I wasn't bad looking but my looks are long gone. Too late.
I do wear makeup, but I look less good in it than I used to. I now have an arthritic back and I need to lose weight.
Thank you for your candor and courage. I so appreciate you.
Ouch! It's so hard to realise how hard we were on ourselves, and probably still are. I look at pictures of myself when I was younger and, in many of them, can remember what I was thinking/feeling when that photo was taken (having a photographic emotional memory is a bit of a double-edged sword!) Apart from a few times when I was at my 'skinny' weight I thought I looked terrible. These days, I realise that in a decade, I'll look at photos of myself now, and will realise I looked fine; so I've decided not to wait that decade to realise it anymore. I look fine. We all look fucking fine!! So, I don't look the same I did at 20, 30, 40 or even 50. That's NORMAL; it's the culture that's wackadoodle! (I'll keep reporting back on this one, with candour, thank you for appreciating it)
In sisterly solidarity, your friend in back pain (age-related spinal degeneration... ugh!) x
I must comment. I've had the same experience - in the opposite direction. I was an active duty Army officer in great shape. Left the Army at 35 to move to New Zealand with my husband. I had an undiagnosed thyroid issue, as well as PCOS, and gained 70 pounds in a year and a half. I was 37 when I came back to Germany to work. I lost a little every now and then, but didn't lose all of it until my first year of retirement. I worked like a dog, exercising every day, eating a very low fat, very low carb diet. (I did not realize my post menopausal brain needed fat. Oy!)
Talk about body dysmorphia. I thought when I lost the weight, I'd look the same way I had at 35. I'd recognize myself, my husband would be all over me like a rash, and life would continue. Nope. I had no idea who that silver-headed middle aged lady was, certainly not ME! (Fat does plump you out a bit - if you're fat at thirty you look forty five, if you're fat at sixty, you look forty five. It's an equalizer.)
It was like a great, cosmic really bad joke, with me the butt of it.
Here's my tale of woe - with pictures! And, geez, not sure why I'm complaining. I am MUCH healthier. I just didn't realize what a mindf_ck it would be.
Yes to this - thank you for sharing your essay too! I was saying to someone just the other day that part of this process is accepting that, even if I were to diet, spend my life in the gym, mainline surgical and non-surgical procedures... I'd still look OLD. My young and middle-aged body is part of the past and nothing is bringing her back. And THAT'S OKAY. I'm allowed to get old. It's a privilege denied to so many and I refuse to spend my years chasing that impossibility. I've got waaaay more important things to be doing with my time... (whilst eating healthily, taking care of my body and gently exercise!) xx
We've always known that change is the one constant, and yet at sixty, seventy and beyond, it still comes as a surprise. I smiled through the reading of your essay. It all sounds so familiar. Now on the other side of my sixties, that seems like such a younger time, as my skin sags more and my eyes crinkle into slits. I wouldn't be surprised if I felt that way about my eighties too -- will there be a small lamentation for my younger seventies? These bodies are divinely planned obsolescence and to that end, I've started to see my body as tree like, reaching gnarly branches, boney hands to the heavens -- rooting heavy feet and thick legs into the earth. I love these years of growing and eldering myself into purpose and wisdom, growing into the potential of what my heart has always longed to bring forth. I love meeting women like you along the way. It helps me to know I am on the right and perfect path. Thank you dear woman.
Thank you so much Stephanie - I love to know that you are a decade ahead of me, and that I have more unfolding and rooting to do, nestling down through the layers, past my 'inner ageist' and into the comforting earth. Thank YOU dear woman x
Oooo, this struck a chord. I was only wondering the same thing the other day - especially after an operation to remove my ovaries, brought it home that I will be 60 this year (it was cathartic to write about this and childlessness). I'm not sad though. I love being this age, but there are things I miss - a waistline for one, and my mum for another :)
Love your essay about your operation… doctors are amazingly ‘matter of fact’ about such things, when they can be identity-defining experiences for us as women, whether we are mothers, wanted to be mothers or never wanted to be mothers! Sending you a tender hug for the loss of your mother, your sister and your ovaries xx
Thank you, Jody. I hope to write a lot more about this subject (and others related to it) in the future. If you feel the essay would help anyone you know, please feel free to Restack it. I’m passionate about this subject, and would love for the essay to be read by as many woman (and men) as possible - in the hope that it helps someone.
Interesting, as I feel that my friends with kids sometimes seem YOUNGER than me, as they are connected so much to their kid's worlds, energy and outlook!
Recently I've had the privilege of being with both my mother and my mother-in-law as they died; I sense that it's really helping me to shift my relationship with my ageing body deeper into a place of gratitude rather than judgement... xxx
Thank you for articulating what’s in my brain and what’s reflected. This year 54, has been hard to recognize myself and feel grateful for being allowed to age.
I don’t feel alone I feel all your words. I look in the mirror and say who the hell is that ! But I do have nice grey hair lol Enjoyed your writing thankyou
"I am no longer the young or middle-aged woman looking at older women. I am the older woman." Yep. That is me, too. And I've actually been the older woman for awhile now! Love this terrific piece. Thank you for writing it.
Thank YOU Nancy for taking the time to comment! I've been on the road for the last few weeks and so apols for not acknowledging your kind comment sooner. I love your article about when someone 'should' stop talking about a cancer diagnoses... feels like it has things in common with childlessness, and other forms of grief; that there's a societal measuring of our story, and an allotted time allowed for it, and that to continue past that is in poor taste! Hah! Jody x
Oh, that's totally fine! Thanks much for reading my article. You are so right about that common thread that exists between our experiences. "Societal measuring" - Love how you put that - and its so true! Measuring and judgment too.
Thank you,Jody, for describing my experience over the last few years and especially as I turn 61 this month, April. This sense of not recognizing myself in random mirrors so surprising yet I’m slowly settling into that woman is me.
Have you seen Emma Thompson’s film the Winter Guest - I knew ageing would arrive and am now living the mother’s surprise of not knowing how and when it happened that my face and body has aged since I experience myself so much younger.
Your talk with friends is inspiring me to begin sharing with my closest friend,also, 60 rather than withdraw and hide all the emotions of this incredible journey. 🙏🏻✨
Thank you so much for your thoughts... I have had a recent trip to the US for a public speaking event, and many people took selfies with me and sent them to me... and I'm making myself look at them, rather than let my eyes slide over them... it's surprisingly painful work!
Thank you for the film recommendation - I have had a quick look at it and look forawrd to being able to watch it soon. Emma Thompson is also an absolute shero of mine for the way she talks about growing older in a female body, and the challenges of accepting that, and seeing it as 'normal' in a profession (and society) that fetishises young female bodies.
Wait a minute….and you don’t dye your hair ?!
I feel like I could have written this. I will be turning 57 this month. I want to like what I see in the mirror, or at least accept her, while at the same time not caring at all about how I look. Somehow I believe that place exists and I hope to find myself there some day.
Can I just say Jody that you are more beautiful at 59 than at 24 (though so young and pretty!!) What a gorgeous face full of kindness and warmth. Thank you again for your honest and life affirming writing.
Thank you for seeing kindness and warmth in my face - that’s a lovely compliment! And I’m so glad my writing resonates with you xx
You made me think of the beautiful poem by Wanda B Goines - the gift-wrap & the jewel. I think I posted a Note on Substack of me reading it. You can find the poet's movie rendition on YouTube. Thanks for sharing
I loved this article so much and deeply related to it. My appearance is just starting to really change, and I've stopped really looking at myself. It's so strange to age
I guess it was weird going through adolescence too, but that was leading to 'adulthood' and being validated as adult members of the world... but as this transition is leading towards death, it seems much harder to face it, or validate it for the powerful passage it is. (And there's a lot more to look forward to than death!) x
Ok 2 things: I totally am wrapping my head around me not being the young one but the old one. And I’ve gotten into facial massage/self osteopathy and it’s helping. Makes me feel good but also relaxing. But man I get this x
Thanks Anne Marie - It's a big shift, even for those who thought we were cool with it... The way this essay and my others on ageing as a post-reproductive woman, have been getting a ton of comments and 'ahas' from other women...
Hi Jody, boy did this post resonate with me! I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. All the changes you mentioned are happening to me. And it happened so fast! When I was young, I thought I was ugly. I recently came across a picture of me in my 20s and -- get this -- I literally didn't recognize myself. And I discovered, eventually, that I wasn't bad looking but my looks are long gone. Too late.
I do wear makeup, but I look less good in it than I used to. I now have an arthritic back and I need to lose weight.
Thank you for your candor and courage. I so appreciate you.
Ouch! It's so hard to realise how hard we were on ourselves, and probably still are. I look at pictures of myself when I was younger and, in many of them, can remember what I was thinking/feeling when that photo was taken (having a photographic emotional memory is a bit of a double-edged sword!) Apart from a few times when I was at my 'skinny' weight I thought I looked terrible. These days, I realise that in a decade, I'll look at photos of myself now, and will realise I looked fine; so I've decided not to wait that decade to realise it anymore. I look fine. We all look fucking fine!! So, I don't look the same I did at 20, 30, 40 or even 50. That's NORMAL; it's the culture that's wackadoodle! (I'll keep reporting back on this one, with candour, thank you for appreciating it)
In sisterly solidarity, your friend in back pain (age-related spinal degeneration... ugh!) x
I must comment. I've had the same experience - in the opposite direction. I was an active duty Army officer in great shape. Left the Army at 35 to move to New Zealand with my husband. I had an undiagnosed thyroid issue, as well as PCOS, and gained 70 pounds in a year and a half. I was 37 when I came back to Germany to work. I lost a little every now and then, but didn't lose all of it until my first year of retirement. I worked like a dog, exercising every day, eating a very low fat, very low carb diet. (I did not realize my post menopausal brain needed fat. Oy!)
Talk about body dysmorphia. I thought when I lost the weight, I'd look the same way I had at 35. I'd recognize myself, my husband would be all over me like a rash, and life would continue. Nope. I had no idea who that silver-headed middle aged lady was, certainly not ME! (Fat does plump you out a bit - if you're fat at thirty you look forty five, if you're fat at sixty, you look forty five. It's an equalizer.)
It was like a great, cosmic really bad joke, with me the butt of it.
Here's my tale of woe - with pictures! And, geez, not sure why I'm complaining. I am MUCH healthier. I just didn't realize what a mindf_ck it would be.
https://rightfootforward.substack.com/p/1-retirement-project-done
All this to say - I get it when you don't recognize yourself in the mirror.
Yes to this - thank you for sharing your essay too! I was saying to someone just the other day that part of this process is accepting that, even if I were to diet, spend my life in the gym, mainline surgical and non-surgical procedures... I'd still look OLD. My young and middle-aged body is part of the past and nothing is bringing her back. And THAT'S OKAY. I'm allowed to get old. It's a privilege denied to so many and I refuse to spend my years chasing that impossibility. I've got waaaay more important things to be doing with my time... (whilst eating healthily, taking care of my body and gently exercise!) xx
We've always known that change is the one constant, and yet at sixty, seventy and beyond, it still comes as a surprise. I smiled through the reading of your essay. It all sounds so familiar. Now on the other side of my sixties, that seems like such a younger time, as my skin sags more and my eyes crinkle into slits. I wouldn't be surprised if I felt that way about my eighties too -- will there be a small lamentation for my younger seventies? These bodies are divinely planned obsolescence and to that end, I've started to see my body as tree like, reaching gnarly branches, boney hands to the heavens -- rooting heavy feet and thick legs into the earth. I love these years of growing and eldering myself into purpose and wisdom, growing into the potential of what my heart has always longed to bring forth. I love meeting women like you along the way. It helps me to know I am on the right and perfect path. Thank you dear woman.
Thank you so much Stephanie - I love to know that you are a decade ahead of me, and that I have more unfolding and rooting to do, nestling down through the layers, past my 'inner ageist' and into the comforting earth. Thank YOU dear woman x
Oooo, this struck a chord. I was only wondering the same thing the other day - especially after an operation to remove my ovaries, brought it home that I will be 60 this year (it was cathartic to write about this and childlessness). I'm not sad though. I love being this age, but there are things I miss - a waistline for one, and my mum for another :)
Love your essay about your operation… doctors are amazingly ‘matter of fact’ about such things, when they can be identity-defining experiences for us as women, whether we are mothers, wanted to be mothers or never wanted to be mothers! Sending you a tender hug for the loss of your mother, your sister and your ovaries xx
Thank you, Jody. I hope to write a lot more about this subject (and others related to it) in the future. If you feel the essay would help anyone you know, please feel free to Restack it. I’m passionate about this subject, and would love for the essay to be read by as many woman (and men) as possible - in the hope that it helps someone.
Never having had kids I still feel 27 or 38 my two favourite ages...I am running with that...love being delusional xx
Interesting, as I feel that my friends with kids sometimes seem YOUNGER than me, as they are connected so much to their kid's worlds, energy and outlook!
Yes- I am here on this planet for such a short amount of time. Allowing myself to be like this, acknowledge the sadness and angerAh yes.
Recently I've had the privilege of being with both my mother and my mother-in-law as they died; I sense that it's really helping me to shift my relationship with my ageing body deeper into a place of gratitude rather than judgement... xxx
Thank you for articulating what’s in my brain and what’s reflected. This year 54, has been hard to recognize myself and feel grateful for being allowed to age.
Facing both society’s ageism and our own internalised ageist is BIG and shocking work xxx
I don’t feel alone I feel all your words. I look in the mirror and say who the hell is that ! But I do have nice grey hair lol Enjoyed your writing thankyou
"I am no longer the young or middle-aged woman looking at older women. I am the older woman." Yep. That is me, too. And I've actually been the older woman for awhile now! Love this terrific piece. Thank you for writing it.
Thank YOU Nancy for taking the time to comment! I've been on the road for the last few weeks and so apols for not acknowledging your kind comment sooner. I love your article about when someone 'should' stop talking about a cancer diagnoses... feels like it has things in common with childlessness, and other forms of grief; that there's a societal measuring of our story, and an allotted time allowed for it, and that to continue past that is in poor taste! Hah! Jody x
https://nancyspoint.substack.com/p/why-are-you-still-talking-about-cancer
Oh, that's totally fine! Thanks much for reading my article. You are so right about that common thread that exists between our experiences. "Societal measuring" - Love how you put that - and its so true! Measuring and judgment too.
Thank you,Jody, for describing my experience over the last few years and especially as I turn 61 this month, April. This sense of not recognizing myself in random mirrors so surprising yet I’m slowly settling into that woman is me.
Have you seen Emma Thompson’s film the Winter Guest - I knew ageing would arrive and am now living the mother’s surprise of not knowing how and when it happened that my face and body has aged since I experience myself so much younger.
Your talk with friends is inspiring me to begin sharing with my closest friend,also, 60 rather than withdraw and hide all the emotions of this incredible journey. 🙏🏻✨
Hi Christine
Thank you so much for your thoughts... I have had a recent trip to the US for a public speaking event, and many people took selfies with me and sent them to me... and I'm making myself look at them, rather than let my eyes slide over them... it's surprisingly painful work!
Thank you for the film recommendation - I have had a quick look at it and look forawrd to being able to watch it soon. Emma Thompson is also an absolute shero of mine for the way she talks about growing older in a female body, and the challenges of accepting that, and seeing it as 'normal' in a profession (and society) that fetishises young female bodies.