Thank you so much for this post Jody. Your candor and guidance is such a gift. I turn 50 this year and the word 'will' has been on my 'to do' list, but I've been lovingly kicking it into next week for weeks now! I think I can get it done finally. 💕 Safe travels, I hope you have a wonderful trip and can make time for shinrin-yoku with the hinoki and cedars (Japan is on my bucket list also 🙏🏻🌲)
This is a comforting read as a single and childless woman. I haven’t avoided making a will for the same reasons as you. But I have avoided it all the same. I will have to investigate the “bus list” more as I’d like to do the same. Similarly I don’t have a nightmare load of “stuff” to be disposed of, unlike when my dad died (multiple large rubbish skips full of stuff!)
I have one or two people who could be an executor so I’m pleased about that.
I’m curious, have you also done an advanced health care directive?
Thank you so much, Jody. The only concrete ‘New Year’s intention’ I set for myself was to finally work on getting these things sorted as I approach 50 in the spring - not something I want to do, as a single childless person whose life didn’t go as planned, but so important and necessary. Conversations with friends and acquaintances of all stripes shows I’m not alone in having procrastinated so much, however, and your research supports that too. Reading Kate Kaufman and Alua Arthur’s books last fall gave some initial food for thought - so thank you for this compassionate and insightful nudge, and have an absolutely wonderful time! 🇯🇵💕
Thank you so much. I just entered my 50s and am newly single, without children. It’s an entirely new landscape that I’m navigating with as much gentleness as possible as it’s A LOT. Thank you so very much for this Substack. It is a god-send.
Thank you for sharing this post, l have a will too and thankfully l have 2 adult nieces who have agreed to be executors should my sister die before me. I have parts of what are aspects of your bus list, and some of the sentimental items l am giving to people now (not that l think l am going anywhere), l am just mindful that in all probability it will be my nieces cleaning up, so l want it to be as practically simple as possible. 40% of my ‘estate’ is going to an institute dedicated to neurological research. My partner died from MND and he donated his brain and spinal chord for research, so l figure this is how l can continue, in a small way, to vital research in this area and have organised to set up the fund in his name. I will also donate my brain and spinal cord, and am an organ donor for transplant purposes. Enjoy your retreat 😊
Such a helpful post and resources, thank you! I’m curious about one thing: my closest friends are not nearby so I’d like to do this digitally. Is there a way to save everything safely online?
Thanks for this nudge Jody. Both the will and the 'bus list' as you call it, have been on my mind for some time. I cannot imagine having to deal with all my husband's affairs without some guidance if he were to suddenly die, and he would be at a loss for how to deal with mine. Even (as a therapist) how to know who my clients are and how to contact them to let them know would be a huge conundrum. So much to think about, and I notice a huge amount of avoidance (more because I HATE admin than because I don't like thinking about death, but I'm sure both are in the mix!)
I am actually professional executor for a therapist friend. She periodically updates her client list and the idea is that I would contact them in the event of her death
I think, in a strange way, because we know we won't be the ones dealing with it, maybe it makes it possible to avoid it - just like death, it's something that we won't be around to experience! Have you read 'The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life"
by Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg & Tom Pyszczynski which explains how 'Terror Management Theory' governs much of our life behaviour by helping us unconsciously manage our relationship with our mortality? Amazing book/theory.
Looks interesting. I haven't read it, but will definitely take a look. I actually think/talk about death quite a lot, and I often find myself pondering various scenarios of what would happen to me if my husband (who's older) dies. I feel like I'm better at facing the emotional side than the admin side in many ways! Currently I'm trying to persuade my parents to organise their affairs, but my dad in particular is completely head-in-the-sand and more or less refuses to talk about death (at almost 80). Terror is definitely a big factor....
Thank you as always for making me feel less alone. Have a Will and Power of attorney. Found making both hard as I only have step family. A sad reminder that I have no blood relatives. Gateway Elderwomen helps me alot, have had 40 years of keeping feelings to myself am sharing my sadness now with a few people. Have a great holiday xx
Super helpful and well considered as always. Also, wanted to hit you up about an affiliate opportunity helping promo something cool but don't know how to contact. Sounds smarmy but it's not, swear.
Jody, this is so full of useful information that I'll be saving it for me and sharing it with others. I have given my brother my "bus list," but I see I still have some work to do. Thank you for laying it out so clearly.
Love "the bus list." I just interviewed Rusty Rosman, author of "Two Envelopes: What You Want Your Loved Ones to Know When You Die," and she takes into account that loved ones don't have to be family. Very easy-but-difficult undertaking! here's the Amazon link to her book: https://a.co/d/dQF1Bg2
May I add that everyone needs to think about their Powers of Attorney (health and finance in the UK). These are often missed but essential for living-decisions! I think the % of people without powers of attorney is even higher than for Wills. I've heard many heart-wrenching stories - not about buses, but tragic accidents and cancer journeys made tougher because a partner wasn't 'recognised' and the 'family' took over (ugghh).
There was a point when we were caring for my Dad when we realised Mum wouldn't be able to be the executor of Dad's Power of Attorney. So often, people think of their spouse or partner as the executor and don't revisit that decision. Having a routine check on these documents is essential to check if executors can still execute the wishes, in practical terms.
I'm on version 4 of my Will and establishing Power of Attorney for myself. One of my big fears is about what will happen to Mum if something happens to me. Going through these 'official' documents is high on my 2025 to-do list.
Yes, we left it too late with my Mum for her to be 'of sound mind' to agree to a LPA. Luckily my stepfather and I were both legally allowed to make those decisions. For many people who are not in a legal position to be declared as 'next of kin', I can see this is even more important. I have updated the post to include a mention of LPAs - it's something I'm working on but was defeated by the Irish form, as it's way more complicated than the UK one...
I agree that checking and revising all wills, bus lists, etc annually is crucial - so easy not to and the outcomes of that can be very distressing for those left to action things...
Big hugs to you and your Mum for the additional layers of complexity when caregiving is involved too... and thinking of those parents with children they care for too. xx
Thanks, Jody! At some point, I might write up the horror story of my friend, horrifying ugly given the family did not 'recognise' the same-sex civil partnership...
Right now, from what I know, there is a backlog to LPA approval times in the UK - just to add greater complexity to health decisions.
The biggest learning from executing Dad's Will and Probate - every financial institution, organisation has a process that requires admin. The 'Tell us once' UK government service is good (https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once) but others can drag heels. Luckily, there were no big bills/debt accruing interest - that's another, ugly trap.
Thanks for the hugs, sending some back. As you said, caregiving gives additional layers of complexity, and this is a BIG fear that can't be addressed easily, given the state of care agencies in the UK!! Aligning wishes and mitigating some fears are about as good as it'll get.
Thanks for this! There's a book called "I'm Dead. Now What?" by Peter Pauper Press, that's a very useful place/format for the Bus List idea. Asked a lot of questions I wouldn't have thought of. And like everything else, it needs to be updated every few years.......
I'm so glad it seems useful to you. I think it's crazy that there isn't a legal requirement to do this from the age of 18... would make it so much less hit and miss if it were just a part of life's 'regular' admin... Hugs to you and your wife, Jody x
A will is a loving gift to those left behind. Thank you for so clearly defining the necessary steps. After my divorce (and as a childless woman) it was important as part of the process of facing my new reality, total self responsibility. It was also important to show my binder of “emergency info” to my executor.
Absolutely Anne - it's a very 'grown up' thing to do and takes ourselves, our lives and our deaths seriously. And I agree it's a gift to those that are left behind... our last gift. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much for this post Jody. Your candor and guidance is such a gift. I turn 50 this year and the word 'will' has been on my 'to do' list, but I've been lovingly kicking it into next week for weeks now! I think I can get it done finally. 💕 Safe travels, I hope you have a wonderful trip and can make time for shinrin-yoku with the hinoki and cedars (Japan is on my bucket list also 🙏🏻🌲)
This is a comforting read as a single and childless woman. I haven’t avoided making a will for the same reasons as you. But I have avoided it all the same. I will have to investigate the “bus list” more as I’d like to do the same. Similarly I don’t have a nightmare load of “stuff” to be disposed of, unlike when my dad died (multiple large rubbish skips full of stuff!)
I have one or two people who could be an executor so I’m pleased about that.
I’m curious, have you also done an advanced health care directive?
Thank you so much, Jody. The only concrete ‘New Year’s intention’ I set for myself was to finally work on getting these things sorted as I approach 50 in the spring - not something I want to do, as a single childless person whose life didn’t go as planned, but so important and necessary. Conversations with friends and acquaintances of all stripes shows I’m not alone in having procrastinated so much, however, and your research supports that too. Reading Kate Kaufman and Alua Arthur’s books last fall gave some initial food for thought - so thank you for this compassionate and insightful nudge, and have an absolutely wonderful time! 🇯🇵💕
Thank you so much. I just entered my 50s and am newly single, without children. It’s an entirely new landscape that I’m navigating with as much gentleness as possible as it’s A LOT. Thank you so very much for this Substack. It is a god-send.
Thank you for sharing this post, l have a will too and thankfully l have 2 adult nieces who have agreed to be executors should my sister die before me. I have parts of what are aspects of your bus list, and some of the sentimental items l am giving to people now (not that l think l am going anywhere), l am just mindful that in all probability it will be my nieces cleaning up, so l want it to be as practically simple as possible. 40% of my ‘estate’ is going to an institute dedicated to neurological research. My partner died from MND and he donated his brain and spinal chord for research, so l figure this is how l can continue, in a small way, to vital research in this area and have organised to set up the fund in his name. I will also donate my brain and spinal cord, and am an organ donor for transplant purposes. Enjoy your retreat 😊
Such a helpful post and resources, thank you! I’m curious about one thing: my closest friends are not nearby so I’d like to do this digitally. Is there a way to save everything safely online?
Love this one Jodes… and I need to take heed xx
Thanks for this nudge Jody. Both the will and the 'bus list' as you call it, have been on my mind for some time. I cannot imagine having to deal with all my husband's affairs without some guidance if he were to suddenly die, and he would be at a loss for how to deal with mine. Even (as a therapist) how to know who my clients are and how to contact them to let them know would be a huge conundrum. So much to think about, and I notice a huge amount of avoidance (more because I HATE admin than because I don't like thinking about death, but I'm sure both are in the mix!)
I am actually professional executor for a therapist friend. She periodically updates her client list and the idea is that I would contact them in the event of her death
Yes, I need to set this up!
I think, in a strange way, because we know we won't be the ones dealing with it, maybe it makes it possible to avoid it - just like death, it's something that we won't be around to experience! Have you read 'The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life"
by Sheldon Solomon, Jeff Greenberg & Tom Pyszczynski which explains how 'Terror Management Theory' governs much of our life behaviour by helping us unconsciously manage our relationship with our mortality? Amazing book/theory.
https://www.google.ie/books/edition/The_Worm_at_the_Core/c6H3BwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PT5&printsec=frontcover
Looks interesting. I haven't read it, but will definitely take a look. I actually think/talk about death quite a lot, and I often find myself pondering various scenarios of what would happen to me if my husband (who's older) dies. I feel like I'm better at facing the emotional side than the admin side in many ways! Currently I'm trying to persuade my parents to organise their affairs, but my dad in particular is completely head-in-the-sand and more or less refuses to talk about death (at almost 80). Terror is definitely a big factor....
Thank you as always for making me feel less alone. Have a Will and Power of attorney. Found making both hard as I only have step family. A sad reminder that I have no blood relatives. Gateway Elderwomen helps me alot, have had 40 years of keeping feelings to myself am sharing my sadness now with a few people. Have a great holiday xx
Well done Sue for getting both of those done - a huge challenge and so confronting... I'm so glad that my work is helping to support you. Hugs, Jody x
Super helpful and well considered as always. Also, wanted to hit you up about an affiliate opportunity helping promo something cool but don't know how to contact. Sounds smarmy but it's not, swear.
Jody, this is so full of useful information that I'll be saving it for me and sharing it with others. I have given my brother my "bus list," but I see I still have some work to do. Thank you for laying it out so clearly.
You are so welcome Sue! x
Love "the bus list." I just interviewed Rusty Rosman, author of "Two Envelopes: What You Want Your Loved Ones to Know When You Die," and she takes into account that loved ones don't have to be family. Very easy-but-difficult undertaking! here's the Amazon link to her book: https://a.co/d/dQF1Bg2
Another great resource, thank you for sharing. My TBR pile grows again! x
As always, great post Jody. 'Sadmin' —SO true!
May I add that everyone needs to think about their Powers of Attorney (health and finance in the UK). These are often missed but essential for living-decisions! I think the % of people without powers of attorney is even higher than for Wills. I've heard many heart-wrenching stories - not about buses, but tragic accidents and cancer journeys made tougher because a partner wasn't 'recognised' and the 'family' took over (ugghh).
There was a point when we were caring for my Dad when we realised Mum wouldn't be able to be the executor of Dad's Power of Attorney. So often, people think of their spouse or partner as the executor and don't revisit that decision. Having a routine check on these documents is essential to check if executors can still execute the wishes, in practical terms.
I'm on version 4 of my Will and establishing Power of Attorney for myself. One of my big fears is about what will happen to Mum if something happens to me. Going through these 'official' documents is high on my 2025 to-do list.
Yes, we left it too late with my Mum for her to be 'of sound mind' to agree to a LPA. Luckily my stepfather and I were both legally allowed to make those decisions. For many people who are not in a legal position to be declared as 'next of kin', I can see this is even more important. I have updated the post to include a mention of LPAs - it's something I'm working on but was defeated by the Irish form, as it's way more complicated than the UK one...
I agree that checking and revising all wills, bus lists, etc annually is crucial - so easy not to and the outcomes of that can be very distressing for those left to action things...
Big hugs to you and your Mum for the additional layers of complexity when caregiving is involved too... and thinking of those parents with children they care for too. xx
Thanks, Jody! At some point, I might write up the horror story of my friend, horrifying ugly given the family did not 'recognise' the same-sex civil partnership...
Right now, from what I know, there is a backlog to LPA approval times in the UK - just to add greater complexity to health decisions.
The biggest learning from executing Dad's Will and Probate - every financial institution, organisation has a process that requires admin. The 'Tell us once' UK government service is good (https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once) but others can drag heels. Luckily, there were no big bills/debt accruing interest - that's another, ugly trap.
Thanks for the hugs, sending some back. As you said, caregiving gives additional layers of complexity, and this is a BIG fear that can't be addressed easily, given the state of care agencies in the UK!! Aligning wishes and mitigating some fears are about as good as it'll get.
Thanks for this! There's a book called "I'm Dead. Now What?" by Peter Pauper Press, that's a very useful place/format for the Bus List idea. Asked a lot of questions I wouldn't have thought of. And like everything else, it needs to be updated every few years.......
That looks really helpful too, thank you! x
Simply brilliant! And especially timely as I am sure I’ll die one day :)
Now, off I go to share this with my wife (we are both gloriously and gratefully child-free).
I'm so glad it seems useful to you. I think it's crazy that there isn't a legal requirement to do this from the age of 18... would make it so much less hit and miss if it were just a part of life's 'regular' admin... Hugs to you and your wife, Jody x
A will is a loving gift to those left behind. Thank you for so clearly defining the necessary steps. After my divorce (and as a childless woman) it was important as part of the process of facing my new reality, total self responsibility. It was also important to show my binder of “emergency info” to my executor.
Absolutely Anne - it's a very 'grown up' thing to do and takes ourselves, our lives and our deaths seriously. And I agree it's a gift to those that are left behind... our last gift. Hugs, Jody x