Thank you Jody. Your essay helped me recognise that part of my reluctance to renew my will and update my Bus List is that I’ve done sadmin for several beloved people and a part of me thinks someone else can bloody well deal with it this time! Logically I can see benefit in doing it myself, and also there’s this other part that says, Fine, so what you like, I won’t be here to be upset. Though I will need to sort out a new home for my companion animals…and my pot-plants.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost so many dear to you and have waded through the unenviable sadmin. Someone here wrote in the comments that having our will, bus list and other paperwork in order is 'the last gift' we can give to those who care about us, and that's had a profound impact on me. I'm so glad my article has helped you to move forward with your own thinking and willingness around your own prep. Sending love to you, your dear animals and plants too! Hugs, Jody x
Thank you Jody. I don’t want to leave a mess, its true. If I tidy myself away I guess Incomplete the set… do I get a cookie? (I am not talking about unaliving, just the preparing for frailty and end of life admin). It should be a GOOD cookie ;)
Good article Jody, thank you. I've spent hours on my will which I'm just revising again at the moment. I have a corporate executor as a safety net (2% charge) and two executors with backups who are my and my late partner's cousins children. I've struggled with it as being the generation below me I don't know them that well. I met the youngest executor last year for the first time in a while and was impressed by her maturity and sensitivity (doing a nursing degree). The other is nearer my age (also a medic) and we WhatsApp each other regularly so I do trust her. She too has no children.
I'm having to remove someone I thought I could trust at the moment. I would say to anyone who is thinking of extended family to try to get to know them a little better by visiting them when they aren't on their best behaviour e.g. not at a wedding or funeral!
I haven't tackled LPAs yet. Just the will and decluttering is wearing me out. I'm 65! Hope I've still got plenty of time! xx
Thanks for sharing your experience Angela. Can you say more about in which country you obtained the 'corporate executor' and the 2% charge? My executor (and backups no.2 and no.3 are all around the same age as me, so at my next will update, I will be adding some younger relatives that I already know and trust very well. (I hear you about the need to get to know them -- it's a challenge for childless women who don't have relatives too to make those depths of connections).
I agree about the LPA being daunting but if you are in UK, it's actually a fairly simple document - the one in Ireland defeated me before I left for my sabbatical and is top of my list when I get back! Having had a fractured/unsettled life and having lost all my possessions apart from what I had on me a few times in my life, the decluttering doesn't phase me -- just working out a good home for my books when I'm gone. Libraries generally don't want second-hand books...
Hello Jody, The 2% corporate executor charge is in the UK with Lloyds Bank Estates Administration. I think it is variable though but would have to be reasonable to keep in business. I also have to use their nominated solicitors for the will who are helpful and reasonably priced. My personal ones are roughly 21 with 25 year old back up and 60 with 30 year old back up.
I suppose I will give them LPA at some point. Otherwise it's a lengthy legal process I believe. My late partner was a hoarder so I have my work cut out!
I've tried contacting AWOC but they don't seem to be active locally or in London - no reply. I've signed up for the next crones webcast. Best wishes to you, Angela
Really interesting and thought provoking as ever Jody. I recently created my first will at 53 and like you, with having no children, found it strange. It was more mentally challenging to create a LPA but was strongly advised to by our solicitor as we currently build a house on our piece of land. The LPA can actually be seen as more important in case something should happen and medical decisions need to be made in ensuring your wishes are complied with. I had to think about 'who do I trust to make these decisions for me?' I chose a dear cousin who is 10 years younger. I still need to complete a 'wish list' of what to do with possessions, again mainly books which I'm thinking will possibly donate to a library or charity. Thank you for having these extremely important conversations and leading the way for so many of us x
Absolutely -- next on my list are Lasting Powers of Attorney for health and finances. In Ireland, they are much more complex documents than in the UK, as they include many possible health 'scenarios' you have to think through and elect. I was just getting ready to leave for a long trip and didn't have the time and headspace needed to really devote to it, but I will be getting back to them once home. I too have mostly books as my possessions and, as I believe printed books will become more and more culturally valuable once AI takes over publishing, I hope to find a younger feminist to leave them too!
And have a great trip in Japan. I look forward to your reflections. It’s one of my husband’s favourite countries as he used to go there for work before we met. On my bucket list. Have a lovely time x
I had this bookmarked and in the chaos of the last two weeks forgot to read it until I saw your comment on my recent article. I knew I needed to read this one because I've been working on my updated will since 2021 and have been stuck because I don't have any to choose as an executor, unless I burden someone in my life who is already an executor to their spouse and possibly parents - like they need another will to manage. I've been trying to figure out a way to have everything automated - is that possible? LOL. Just auto-send money to the funeral home upon my death? I have no idea. I'm working on it. I have so much to say about this. You always inspire me. xoxo
If you navigate up the thread to Nessa's comment, she was able to purchase an insurance policy in South Africa which would appear to do away with the need for an executor. But it's the first I've ever heard of such a thing, and I don't believe it's possible in the UK or USA.
Consider who would legally be required to be your executor if you died without a will (a sibling or parent probably) and thus who would be the default to inherit your possessions -- and if you don't want that to be so, ask a friend. The key is you can always change this later... it's just so important to have some kind of will in place! (And you'd be surprised how touched people are to be asked--and as women ageing without children, we HAVE to get more comfortable with asking - and to keep asking until we get a yes!)
I've always been proud of myself for being semi-prepared - I've had a will since I was in my mid-twenties. But after all the changes that have happened in my life in the past five years, I've definitely struggled with the executor part and am less comfortable in the asking! :\ But you're right - we have to keep exercising the asking. I'll give this some thought in the coming days because I really want to finalize my latest will.
Hi Jo - the form I filled in over a decade ago may have been the template used by those English solicitors - I've no idea if it is any kind of standard (I hope not). The online will that I drew up had no such section. I did my first will at 50 and I'm so pleased I did! xx
Thank you for the helpful reminder! I have an appointment to pre-plan my cremation and memorial service with the funeral home. I do need to see about a Will, and your piece was a great reminder!
When I was a nurse, the one thing people forgot was a Do Not Resuscitate order. It's not inherent in the Living Will. In USA, any EMS worker or Home Health staff are required to start CPR, unless they see your DNR form signed by your physician. Mine is on my fridge!
Thank you so for this piece, Jody. I’ll be 55 in about 8.5 hours and have had new health issues in 2024. I’m already disabled with a plethora of issues. Not intending to be morbid but I have had a sense that I will not live to see this year out. I got a book from Amazon, something like what another commenter wrote, Hey, I’m Dead! Here’s what to do! Or some such. I guess I’d better sit down and fill it in. I’ve had it for two or three years.
As for getting a will done, I need to check with the family lawyer. It’s absolutely not something I can afford to have a lawyer do. But I need advice on a kit that will be legal in Canada.
Thank you for the redirection, Jody. Blessings for safe journeys. Quite jelly of your travel plans! But have the best time!
Dear Heather - happy birthday to you! I'm sorry to hear that your health is such a concern, and it's not morbid at all to be getting prepared, just in case. Frankly, it's a definite for all of us, we just don't know the timing! And yes, get your Bus List done asap! The website that I did my will through (LawDepot) is also available in Canada... maybe you could draft your will using it and ask the family lawyer to check it over, to be sure - might be cheaper than getting them to draft the whole thing? Sending you love from Japan, which is both less weird and more weird than I was expecting! Hugs, Jody x
Great advice Jody! Yes not fun but very necessary.
I recently took out an insurance policy with Sanlam Estates (Africa's largest financial services group) for a modest fee - they provide an executor, draw up
a will, provide cash to cover any costs in wrapping up the estate (which is often needed upfront) and covers funeral costs. A fair deal I thought.
And takes pressure off relatives and friends.
And I ordered a cheeky book x2 (Sorry this is now your problem as I am dead) - one for Amsterdam and one for Cape Town - arrived yesterday - it is Bus List time for me too!
Still got to get my head around the legal side here in Netherlands ... having a foot in two countries doubles the sadmin!
But as you say it is a certainty so why not help those who need to do your sadmin.
That sounds like an excellent plan - I've never heard of such a type of policy before and perhaps they don't exist in UK/USA/Europe? Would love to know if they do!
And yes, I can absolutely imagine that living in 2 countries makes things extra complex.
That is the 2nd time 'Now I am Dead' has been recommended to me - I'm going to get a copy to check that my Bus List includes all that it covers.
Congratulations on getting that done! I'm amazed it only took 2 days. I would say it took me about 2 weeks or more of solid work to get *most* of my arrangements in place. Since we did our wills several years ago, more stuff has come up and some laws have changed, and we need to update our wills.
I'm convinced most of us put off this work not because we're unrealistic about death or incapacity, but because this process is so complicated and so laborious. It seems like every financial account I have has its own special rules that don't apply to any other kind of account, for example. And my state will tax my heirs differently depending on who they are (my husband, stepson, sister, and sister's children would all be taxed at different rates!)
In the US, different states have different rules, which is very important for anyone doing estate planning in the US to be aware of.
Hi Jenn - Absolutely, different circumstances will require different amounts of preparation. It took me 2 days to do the Bus List, not my Will. (My will only took me a few hours, but my affairs are very simple, and I live in Ireland / England so the laws are less complex than they are in the US state system.) If either your estate, or your legal system is complex, it's probably best to work with a legal professional.
Loved this, and thank you for making it relevant for readers in the US too, where possible! I took care of my husband and my mother through their deaths in the same year, so I learned more than I wanted to know about what's needed in that "bus list." (Which by the way, is a great phrase for it, so while your step-grandfather may not have been sentimental, he did have a sense of humor buried in there somewhere.) You've inspired me to revisit mine, as a childless and ultra-independent 68-year-old who just moved from one part of the American West to another. Time to update the list. Blessings on your travels--may all go well!
I agree Susan - having some first hand experience of being an exector does focus the mind on what might be needed to make the sadmin easier for others. Writing this from Tokyo with jetlag :) x
So helpful thank you. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a few months now. I totally resonate with wanting to put it off but reading your experience has helped me see that I can do it and given some practical help in doing so, thank you, I love your work
I'm so glad it feels helpful Cathy; I cannot tell you how good it feels to have it done! Good luck, and reach out here in the comments if you have any questions or suggestions! Jody x
Also, people are not always kind as many are like Jody. They will try to speak to your bitterness. I say to us CNBC women, don't do the status quo but change your standards and look out for yourselves first. Especially with your assets except for those you really find worthy and truly show they care!
Thank you Jody. Your essay helped me recognise that part of my reluctance to renew my will and update my Bus List is that I’ve done sadmin for several beloved people and a part of me thinks someone else can bloody well deal with it this time! Logically I can see benefit in doing it myself, and also there’s this other part that says, Fine, so what you like, I won’t be here to be upset. Though I will need to sort out a new home for my companion animals…and my pot-plants.
I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost so many dear to you and have waded through the unenviable sadmin. Someone here wrote in the comments that having our will, bus list and other paperwork in order is 'the last gift' we can give to those who care about us, and that's had a profound impact on me. I'm so glad my article has helped you to move forward with your own thinking and willingness around your own prep. Sending love to you, your dear animals and plants too! Hugs, Jody x
Thank you Jody. I don’t want to leave a mess, its true. If I tidy myself away I guess Incomplete the set… do I get a cookie? (I am not talking about unaliving, just the preparing for frailty and end of life admin). It should be a GOOD cookie ;)
There will be cookies; I will make them for us all and we can come together to eat them and laugh at life together! xx
Good article Jody, thank you. I've spent hours on my will which I'm just revising again at the moment. I have a corporate executor as a safety net (2% charge) and two executors with backups who are my and my late partner's cousins children. I've struggled with it as being the generation below me I don't know them that well. I met the youngest executor last year for the first time in a while and was impressed by her maturity and sensitivity (doing a nursing degree). The other is nearer my age (also a medic) and we WhatsApp each other regularly so I do trust her. She too has no children.
I'm having to remove someone I thought I could trust at the moment. I would say to anyone who is thinking of extended family to try to get to know them a little better by visiting them when they aren't on their best behaviour e.g. not at a wedding or funeral!
I haven't tackled LPAs yet. Just the will and decluttering is wearing me out. I'm 65! Hope I've still got plenty of time! xx
Thanks for sharing your experience Angela. Can you say more about in which country you obtained the 'corporate executor' and the 2% charge? My executor (and backups no.2 and no.3 are all around the same age as me, so at my next will update, I will be adding some younger relatives that I already know and trust very well. (I hear you about the need to get to know them -- it's a challenge for childless women who don't have relatives too to make those depths of connections).
I agree about the LPA being daunting but if you are in UK, it's actually a fairly simple document - the one in Ireland defeated me before I left for my sabbatical and is top of my list when I get back! Having had a fractured/unsettled life and having lost all my possessions apart from what I had on me a few times in my life, the decluttering doesn't phase me -- just working out a good home for my books when I'm gone. Libraries generally don't want second-hand books...
Hello Jody, The 2% corporate executor charge is in the UK with Lloyds Bank Estates Administration. I think it is variable though but would have to be reasonable to keep in business. I also have to use their nominated solicitors for the will who are helpful and reasonably priced. My personal ones are roughly 21 with 25 year old back up and 60 with 30 year old back up.
I suppose I will give them LPA at some point. Otherwise it's a lengthy legal process I believe. My late partner was a hoarder so I have my work cut out!
I've tried contacting AWOC but they don't seem to be active locally or in London - no reply. I've signed up for the next crones webcast. Best wishes to you, Angela
Really interesting and thought provoking as ever Jody. I recently created my first will at 53 and like you, with having no children, found it strange. It was more mentally challenging to create a LPA but was strongly advised to by our solicitor as we currently build a house on our piece of land. The LPA can actually be seen as more important in case something should happen and medical decisions need to be made in ensuring your wishes are complied with. I had to think about 'who do I trust to make these decisions for me?' I chose a dear cousin who is 10 years younger. I still need to complete a 'wish list' of what to do with possessions, again mainly books which I'm thinking will possibly donate to a library or charity. Thank you for having these extremely important conversations and leading the way for so many of us x
Absolutely -- next on my list are Lasting Powers of Attorney for health and finances. In Ireland, they are much more complex documents than in the UK, as they include many possible health 'scenarios' you have to think through and elect. I was just getting ready to leave for a long trip and didn't have the time and headspace needed to really devote to it, but I will be getting back to them once home. I too have mostly books as my possessions and, as I believe printed books will become more and more culturally valuable once AI takes over publishing, I hope to find a younger feminist to leave them too!
And have a great trip in Japan. I look forward to your reflections. It’s one of my husband’s favourite countries as he used to go there for work before we met. On my bucket list. Have a lovely time x
I had this bookmarked and in the chaos of the last two weeks forgot to read it until I saw your comment on my recent article. I knew I needed to read this one because I've been working on my updated will since 2021 and have been stuck because I don't have any to choose as an executor, unless I burden someone in my life who is already an executor to their spouse and possibly parents - like they need another will to manage. I've been trying to figure out a way to have everything automated - is that possible? LOL. Just auto-send money to the funeral home upon my death? I have no idea. I'm working on it. I have so much to say about this. You always inspire me. xoxo
If you navigate up the thread to Nessa's comment, she was able to purchase an insurance policy in South Africa which would appear to do away with the need for an executor. But it's the first I've ever heard of such a thing, and I don't believe it's possible in the UK or USA.
Consider who would legally be required to be your executor if you died without a will (a sibling or parent probably) and thus who would be the default to inherit your possessions -- and if you don't want that to be so, ask a friend. The key is you can always change this later... it's just so important to have some kind of will in place! (And you'd be surprised how touched people are to be asked--and as women ageing without children, we HAVE to get more comfortable with asking - and to keep asking until we get a yes!)
I've always been proud of myself for being semi-prepared - I've had a will since I was in my mid-twenties. But after all the changes that have happened in my life in the past five years, I've definitely struggled with the executor part and am less comfortable in the asking! :\ But you're right - we have to keep exercising the asking. I'll give this some thought in the coming days because I really want to finalize my latest will.
Thank you, Jody. This is really thought provoking. I turn 50 in a few months, with no children, and have not yet made a will.
I had no idea about there being specific pages for children / grandchildren.
Thank you for shining your light ✨
Hi Jo - the form I filled in over a decade ago may have been the template used by those English solicitors - I've no idea if it is any kind of standard (I hope not). The online will that I drew up had no such section. I did my first will at 50 and I'm so pleased I did! xx
That is so encouraging, thank you, Jody. I clicked through on your LawDepo link. And will be doing the UK version. It’s here if anyone would like it
https://www.lawdepot.co.uk/contracts/last-will-and-testament-uk/ ✨
Thank you for the helpful reminder! I have an appointment to pre-plan my cremation and memorial service with the funeral home. I do need to see about a Will, and your piece was a great reminder!
When I was a nurse, the one thing people forgot was a Do Not Resuscitate order. It's not inherent in the Living Will. In USA, any EMS worker or Home Health staff are required to start CPR, unless they see your DNR form signed by your physician. Mine is on my fridge!
Thank you - yet another thing to make sure is covered in the Bus List and other documents!
As always - such great advice. Thank you.
Thank you x
Thank you so for this piece, Jody. I’ll be 55 in about 8.5 hours and have had new health issues in 2024. I’m already disabled with a plethora of issues. Not intending to be morbid but I have had a sense that I will not live to see this year out. I got a book from Amazon, something like what another commenter wrote, Hey, I’m Dead! Here’s what to do! Or some such. I guess I’d better sit down and fill it in. I’ve had it for two or three years.
As for getting a will done, I need to check with the family lawyer. It’s absolutely not something I can afford to have a lawyer do. But I need advice on a kit that will be legal in Canada.
Thank you for the redirection, Jody. Blessings for safe journeys. Quite jelly of your travel plans! But have the best time!
Dear Heather - happy birthday to you! I'm sorry to hear that your health is such a concern, and it's not morbid at all to be getting prepared, just in case. Frankly, it's a definite for all of us, we just don't know the timing! And yes, get your Bus List done asap! The website that I did my will through (LawDepot) is also available in Canada... maybe you could draft your will using it and ask the family lawyer to check it over, to be sure - might be cheaper than getting them to draft the whole thing? Sending you love from Japan, which is both less weird and more weird than I was expecting! Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for your kind wishes from Japan!
Great advice Jody! Yes not fun but very necessary.
I recently took out an insurance policy with Sanlam Estates (Africa's largest financial services group) for a modest fee - they provide an executor, draw up
a will, provide cash to cover any costs in wrapping up the estate (which is often needed upfront) and covers funeral costs. A fair deal I thought.
And takes pressure off relatives and friends.
And I ordered a cheeky book x2 (Sorry this is now your problem as I am dead) - one for Amsterdam and one for Cape Town - arrived yesterday - it is Bus List time for me too!
Still got to get my head around the legal side here in Netherlands ... having a foot in two countries doubles the sadmin!
But as you say it is a certainty so why not help those who need to do your sadmin.
Hi Nessa
That sounds like an excellent plan - I've never heard of such a type of policy before and perhaps they don't exist in UK/USA/Europe? Would love to know if they do!
And yes, I can absolutely imagine that living in 2 countries makes things extra complex.
That is the 2nd time 'Now I am Dead' has been recommended to me - I'm going to get a copy to check that my Bus List includes all that it covers.
Hugs, dear friend x
Congratulations on getting that done! I'm amazed it only took 2 days. I would say it took me about 2 weeks or more of solid work to get *most* of my arrangements in place. Since we did our wills several years ago, more stuff has come up and some laws have changed, and we need to update our wills.
I'm convinced most of us put off this work not because we're unrealistic about death or incapacity, but because this process is so complicated and so laborious. It seems like every financial account I have has its own special rules that don't apply to any other kind of account, for example. And my state will tax my heirs differently depending on who they are (my husband, stepson, sister, and sister's children would all be taxed at different rates!)
In the US, different states have different rules, which is very important for anyone doing estate planning in the US to be aware of.
Hi Jenn - Absolutely, different circumstances will require different amounts of preparation. It took me 2 days to do the Bus List, not my Will. (My will only took me a few hours, but my affairs are very simple, and I live in Ireland / England so the laws are less complex than they are in the US state system.) If either your estate, or your legal system is complex, it's probably best to work with a legal professional.
Loved this, and thank you for making it relevant for readers in the US too, where possible! I took care of my husband and my mother through their deaths in the same year, so I learned more than I wanted to know about what's needed in that "bus list." (Which by the way, is a great phrase for it, so while your step-grandfather may not have been sentimental, he did have a sense of humor buried in there somewhere.) You've inspired me to revisit mine, as a childless and ultra-independent 68-year-old who just moved from one part of the American West to another. Time to update the list. Blessings on your travels--may all go well!
I agree Susan - having some first hand experience of being an exector does focus the mind on what might be needed to make the sadmin easier for others. Writing this from Tokyo with jetlag :) x
I made my will after reading this. Thank you for such powerful wisdom.
CONGRATULATIONS Hilary!
Thank you
You are very welcome x
So helpful thank you. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a few months now. I totally resonate with wanting to put it off but reading your experience has helped me see that I can do it and given some practical help in doing so, thank you, I love your work
I'm so glad it feels helpful Cathy; I cannot tell you how good it feels to have it done! Good luck, and reach out here in the comments if you have any questions or suggestions! Jody x
Also, people are not always kind as many are like Jody. They will try to speak to your bitterness. I say to us CNBC women, don't do the status quo but change your standards and look out for yourselves first. Especially with your assets except for those you really find worthy and truly show they care!
Absolutely Joanne!
for Jody especially while on road, et all.
this simple and remember easy to slow down while learning, but really easy this tai chi warm up..
https://youtu.be/mCQdy3sQk30?si=l8xNPR7-uxzxyiBY