Not wanting to have children was one of the very few thing I knew with certainty when I was growing up. I didn't know why that was, really, assumed my confused and unhappy childhood was to blame. I am now 58 and have never doubted my decision, in fact know with certainty that it was the right one. God knows what would have happened to them and me if I had given in to the pressure. But I do know that as I get older my future will become more uncertain, my husband and I relying only on each other until one is no longer able. It scares me, increasingly so, and saddens me that we don't seem to be able to accommodate this. Thank you for this Jody x
Thank you for sharing Sally. I was sure I didn't want children either due to my childhood, and I changed my mind in my late 20s when I learned, through my then-husband's family, that family could be something different than I'd experienced. I still don't think I would have been very well equipped to be a good mother after my experiences though... not till later... and lots of therapy... You are one year younger than me, there is time for our generation to proactively change how we deal with later-life vulnerability; there are old ways we can support each other in community, but we have forgotten them. It's time to re-member (to re-make...) and there's nothing like a crisis to make that happen. Stay tuned to my work over the next few years as I unpack and explore all of this in my own life and work. Hugs, Jody x
I love this. I’m sixty eight. Thought I had childlessness sorted. But here I am teetering on the brink of another childless threshold and feeling a bit scared.
I am almost 75 and remained childless in spite of years of infertility treatments that culminated in an ovariohysterectomy at 41 that ended all hope. That was a devastating low point in my life that took years to recover from. Even therapy, though helpful with so many other issues, could not deal with this one. It was never recognized for the deep wound it was to my psyche. Recently events reopened that wound and I have found myself once again in deep pain. I've been searching the web for a name to put to it, and in the process I found you. It helps so much to know that I am not alone and that there is a path forward from this dark place in which I find myself now. I am grateful that you are there and have given my pain a name.
Dear Ruth - I'm so sorry I didn't see this comment at the time; I must have been down a pandemic rabbit hole! I'm so sorry that infertility left you childless and I hope that my work. has continued to be a comfort to you. We have another of my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions coming up soon (I do 4 a year now) and they are free to attend. You can find out more here: https://gateway-women.com/gateway-elderwomen/
thank you for tackling this Jody. I am not as brave as you, but delighted to go with you on your journey. I am 68, widowed less than a week, and back in a world where people see me as "Oh so Alone, poor thing, no children to help her". I have been alone a lot in my life, so can't quite related to their horrified projections, and yet.....so appreciative of your honesty and openness.
Hi Naomi - I'm sorry I missed your comment at the time and I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse. I hate the way that projections are placed on us, presuming that we are 'this' or 'that' because we are childless! I know some fearless childless women, and some extremely timid mothers... and no doubt all of us have all the ways of being in us, at different moments in our lives! How are you doing, almost 3 years on? Hugs, Jody x
It may sound cliché.....I am now 51, from the age of 34 Yoga, breathwork and meditation in some form have been a friend because as you so rightly say at times a childless life can be a uniquely lonely place xx
Thank you very much for this, I identify on so many levels... I have named my menopause ‘the final insult’.... in that every foray into womanhood has brought its own unique physical and mental discomfort...
Not wanting to have children was one of the very few thing I knew with certainty when I was growing up. I didn't know why that was, really, assumed my confused and unhappy childhood was to blame. I am now 58 and have never doubted my decision, in fact know with certainty that it was the right one. God knows what would have happened to them and me if I had given in to the pressure. But I do know that as I get older my future will become more uncertain, my husband and I relying only on each other until one is no longer able. It scares me, increasingly so, and saddens me that we don't seem to be able to accommodate this. Thank you for this Jody x
Thank you for sharing Sally. I was sure I didn't want children either due to my childhood, and I changed my mind in my late 20s when I learned, through my then-husband's family, that family could be something different than I'd experienced. I still don't think I would have been very well equipped to be a good mother after my experiences though... not till later... and lots of therapy... You are one year younger than me, there is time for our generation to proactively change how we deal with later-life vulnerability; there are old ways we can support each other in community, but we have forgotten them. It's time to re-member (to re-make...) and there's nothing like a crisis to make that happen. Stay tuned to my work over the next few years as I unpack and explore all of this in my own life and work. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you, I find this hugely hopeful. I will try to catch up on your work x
I love this. I’m sixty eight. Thought I had childlessness sorted. But here I am teetering on the brink of another childless threshold and feeling a bit scared.
Hi Vera - sorry I didn't see this comment at the time. How is 70 treating you? Hugs, Jody x
I am almost 75 and remained childless in spite of years of infertility treatments that culminated in an ovariohysterectomy at 41 that ended all hope. That was a devastating low point in my life that took years to recover from. Even therapy, though helpful with so many other issues, could not deal with this one. It was never recognized for the deep wound it was to my psyche. Recently events reopened that wound and I have found myself once again in deep pain. I've been searching the web for a name to put to it, and in the process I found you. It helps so much to know that I am not alone and that there is a path forward from this dark place in which I find myself now. I am grateful that you are there and have given my pain a name.
Dear Ruth - I'm so sorry I didn't see this comment at the time; I must have been down a pandemic rabbit hole! I'm so sorry that infertility left you childless and I hope that my work. has continued to be a comfort to you. We have another of my 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' sessions coming up soon (I do 4 a year now) and they are free to attend. You can find out more here: https://gateway-women.com/gateway-elderwomen/
Hugs, Jody x
thank you for tackling this Jody. I am not as brave as you, but delighted to go with you on your journey. I am 68, widowed less than a week, and back in a world where people see me as "Oh so Alone, poor thing, no children to help her". I have been alone a lot in my life, so can't quite related to their horrified projections, and yet.....so appreciative of your honesty and openness.
Hi Naomi - I'm sorry I missed your comment at the time and I'm so sorry for the loss of your spouse. I hate the way that projections are placed on us, presuming that we are 'this' or 'that' because we are childless! I know some fearless childless women, and some extremely timid mothers... and no doubt all of us have all the ways of being in us, at different moments in our lives! How are you doing, almost 3 years on? Hugs, Jody x
Thanks for the lovely writing Jody - im going into my next life chapter too - excited and a little nervous but i definitely dont feel alone
It's good to know that we're not alone... and I'm so glad you're here with me too x
It may sound cliché.....I am now 51, from the age of 34 Yoga, breathwork and meditation in some form have been a friend because as you so rightly say at times a childless life can be a uniquely lonely place xx
That doesn't sound like a cliche to me, it sounds like a lot of dedicated self-care x
Thank you very much for this, I identify on so many levels... I have named my menopause ‘the final insult’.... in that every foray into womanhood has brought its own unique physical and mental discomfort...
Thanks for reading Nicky and I’m both sad and glad that you identify. I will be writing more about the childless menopause here soon! Jody x
A subject close to my heart! Here’s to growing older gracefully, disgracefully or in any way that’s calling us! Love xx
Thank you Bamberlamb - and I'm so with you on heeding that 'call', wherever it may take us! x
Wonderful. Made me gulp and choke back a tear at the end.
Thank you Debs - I'm so glad it touched you and I'm sure there will be many 'gulps' for me on this project too... Hugs, Jody x
Thrilled to see you tackling this subject, Jody! xo
Great to have your support dear Loribeth, as one of the 'bloggers' mentioned in this piece! x