This was such a beautiful, heartfelt and enlightening read Jody! You’ve given me so much to think about.
“nobody could hear that I wasn't asking for reasons not to give up hope of motherhood—I was talking about what it felt like after you'd given up hope”
That hit me right in the feels. I lost my ability to bear children at 24 when I needed an emergency hysterectomy… and I’m only NOW (in my mid 40s) talking and writing about it. It was one of the biggest turning points in my life - and I believe set me on my solo adventure path - but I couldn’t talk about it. Because other people couldn’t accept it. They always had solutions and suggestions and EXPECTATIONS. So many expectations. They didn’t understand that I had already given up the hope and moved past it.
I’m so grateful to be able to share these experiences now - and I hope my stories can help other women who have similar experiences. I also wonder about the male gaze… being infertile at such a young age no doubt changed me but I’m not sure it changed their biological perception of me. Lots to think about!
Lisa - it's so hard to be out of step with your peers, and it's something that many women who've lost the possibility of bearing children young have shared with me - whether through surgical reasons or very early menopause, or other conditions. It's truly yet another dimension to the disenfranchised grief of both childlessness and chronic illness, both of which get very little compassion or understanding in our culture. Big hugs, Jody x
I was always an old soul - the kid who sat alone reading at summer camp and bonded with adults easier than other kids. So I guess I was always a bit out of step.
Losing your fertility at 24 can take you drastically out of step though. I’ve spent 2 decades witnessing weddings and baby showers and first birthdays - all the while having quiet solo celebrations of my own very different milestones.
Brilliant essay, but also saddening. I found myself only half-relating while reading (and I'm considerably older than you), but a voice inside me kept saying~ "hey, wait just a damn minute!"
Truth is, I began rebuilding myself from the ground up in my early 20's, post emotional breakdown. I'd done a little modeling, 'right place, right time' kinda stuff... but knew very well, I didn't want a career as a model, because if I had to place that much hyper-focus on my veneer, I'd have to leap off a tall building once the camera found me less than spectacularly alluring. (My emotional history definitely played an integral part in this decision.)
In my 40's I was determined to "age gracefully" and was utterly convinced I would. Funny thing is though, stuff happens as we age, that we could never have pre-imagined~ like eyebrows disappearing, hairline receding, thousands of little lines criss-crossing the cheeks on our face, and gravity taking its toll on our ass. Still, I'm super-thin, and haven't YET resorted to hanging upside-down in my sleep, like a bat. Trust me, it's my default plan.
I think I worked so very hard on the INSIDE of me after recovering from my suicidal depression at 20, I scarcely paid attention to the OUTSIDE of me. Oh, I've always had some healthy vanity, but my mind has long-been my most prized possession, and I fiercely wanted to grow into truly LIKING myself.
I'm always a little shocked when men considerably younger than I, flirt with or even NOTICE me. It's a pleasantly delightful surprise, and I receive it with nearly 75 years of graceful, yet certainly not unchallenged living, and striving to be my best, idealized Self. That journey, I believe, never ends. As we continue to grow and evolve, we never quite arrive at our destination, but with any luck, we get closer to it, than we did the year before.
I'd like to share a sweet, earlier life story with you~ and perhaps it will land in a place where possibility exists. At 40, I met a younger man. Christopher was 10 years my junior, and his last girlfriend was a Pilates instructor, with a firm, tight body. Mine was not. I've never been an athletic type, and wasn't about to launch into it at 40 years old!
My thighs were somewhat rumply, my flesh was soft and malleable, and I had a moment of concern: When I get naked with this new lover, how will he see me? What will be his reaction?!
I decided after pondering this a bit, to BE the sexiest, most sensual, most alluring female he'd ever met. I rigorously and indelibly etched this into my mindset. It was my own little social experiment, and it worked gloriously! My lover SAW me precisely as I'd determined he would~ and I rocked his world.
I posted a YouTube video years ago, that deals directly with this subject:
Men don't care about what WE perceive to be our physical shortcomings or flaws! They actually never notice 'em, unless We point them out, in an attempt to compensate for our shame. In truth, nobody else on the planet views us as we view ourselves, because they don't have the EMOTIONAL bias against us that we've had, since we were little kids (and perhaps, didn't feel lovable or good enough)!
What we feel on the INSIDE, bleeds thru to the OUTSIDE. It's our inner joy and LIGHT, that shines through, makes us appear beautiful to others, and impacts how they respond to us!
Darling, you likely have MANY fine, rich years ahead of you. Walk down the street with your shoulders pulled back and your head held high, and THINK of yourself as vibrant, healthy and sensuous... and I'll bet ya dollars to donuts, you'll be surprised by how many male heads ya turn, especially in places like ITALY~ where ALL women are desirable to males, no matter WHAT their age! Or try Puerto Rico... a middle-aged friend lives there, and says the men are utterly scrumptious!
There are two films I always recommend to my clients who have poor body image: "Too Beautiful for You," and "Bagdad Cafe." We fall in love with the female leads in these movies~ NOT because they're gorgeous and model-thin, but because they're comfortable and happy with themselves, and can ACCEPT being appreciated and loved.
I hope I haven't overstepped, here. If I have, I sincerely apologize. I've utilized that social experiment from my 40's several times over the course of my journey. The best thing I've learned along the way, is that life's all about our attitude~ and every now and then, ya just gotta fake it till ya make it. :~)
Thank you Shari and you definitely haven't overstepped in sharing your wisdom, insight and experience! I am at peace with the lack of attention I get from men, having had too much of it, much of it predatory, in my 'fertile' years. But that doesn't mean I have to let that invisibility define me... Thank you again x
As a 54 year old single woman with grandkids-I am always in a societal imposed guilt when I visit them and can’t deal with their energy all day. I love my alone time, doing what I want when I want. That is so hard to do during my 3 week visit. There are times I just want to be alone and if I dare voice this I’m guilted with comments such as “but you’re only here a few weeks”, “you can do that at home”, etc. I adore my daughter and grandchildren that is not in question. There is no question of loving time with them- but why cannot I be able to enjoy alone time without appearing as an uninterested grandmother.
Then flip side - I crave a relationship yet have no desire to seek out someone. Growing old is challenging, not only physically, but dealing with stereotypes and invisibility.
Thank you Tara. I can get overwhelmed by too much stimulation and need to retreat, and so I recognise myself in your description of how that time with your grandchildren lands... (I get the same thing with guests in my home, and I feel guilty when I don't have the energy to be 'on' all the time. I'm an HSP, maybe you are too?) I'm wondering if it might be possible to explain/schedule your need for some nervous system regulation downtime with your daughter when you are NOT staying, so that she can perhaps learn to reframe it in a way other than interested/uninterested?
And I know you're not alone in not craving relationship...!
Thank you for a thought-provoking piece. I agree about those two camps out there. There should be a middle ground for those of us who don't fit in either. One thing never changes, there's still a lot of judging that goes on, and we women are some of the worst offenders. For ex, there's a segment of older women who are embracing going grey - which is admirable - but under the surface - there is judgment if you choose not to. And I hate it when someone brings up Helen Miren. Don't get me wrong, I love her. But she's gorgeous, and I'm sure always has been. Most of us can't, and never could, compete with gorgeous. It never bothered me to turn 50, then 60, but now with 70 on the horizon, I'm feeling like I'm about to cross over into actually being old. Funny. Not funny. Great thing about Substack is there are a lot of us older female writers flourishing here. Thanks for the great read!
Thanks Nancy - one of the things I'm hearing from other Substackians who are 70+ is that there can be a certain 'relief' in being 'old' at 70 rather than 'growing old'. But I suspect that 'getting' to that relief involves a fair bit of 'letting go' (code word for 'grief') as our youth slips further into the rear view mirror.
And I'm with you on Helen Mirren - for fucks sake - because nobody is talking about Judi Dench, who looks like an old woman, are they? Helen Mirren is thin, beautiful and ageing (with perhaps some surgery) in a way that still prioritises the male gaze.
And oh, the 'grey' nonsense - I've noticed that it's fine for thin, white, good-looking women to go grey... everyone else, not so much!
I noticed this invisibility with both men and women when I gained 10kg, stopped performing female grooming rituals and started wearing comfortable non-sexualised clothing.
I'm about 10kg over my younger middle-aged self, and post-menopausally, more and more comfortable in the androgynous clothing of my pre-puberty tomboy self. I've never been a 'sexy' dresser (wacky yes, but never particularly sexy) but my body used to do the 'talking' before... At 60, I get very little male attention and now I'm used to it, I love it!
Hi Jody, I loved this beautifully written post and read all the comments! I recently wrote a tongue-in-cheek response on this issue for my writing group, and your post inspired me to post my short story on my Author-Come-Lately Substack newsletter. I hope it gives you a giggle!
Being a woman in the patriarchy is hard at all ages and that most certainly includes post-menopause. I actually found the lack of attention from men a relief. But my body is just doing its own thing regardless of my efforts to stay healthy - and a socially acceptable weight. I am turning into my grandmother (who was a wonderful, but plump woman). It’s disconcerting as hell. And yes, there is a certain sense of death being far too close for comfort. Sadly, we have no role models for navigating this life period, because we are never supposed to age. Ugh. Thanks for the thoughtful article.
Thank you Michelle - what if we decided to be the role models for other women of how to inhabit our bodies as they are, not as patriarchy wants us to be... what if it's not about being potentially fuckable as we age, but is more about staving off visible decline so that others (men) don't have to face their own fear of death?
Thank you so much for your insight, Jody. So beautifully articulated. I'm childless and just turned 45. I always thought I wanted children but was never in a rush to have any. Fast forward to 38 and I'm sitting in a fertility clinic with my partner who has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and...because we hadn't discussed kids...we had decided to keep the door "open" and freeze his sperms. Fast forward another year... 5 months before my 40th birthday... and my partner dies. My heart smashes into smithereens and I am left with his/ours aging kitty and frozen sperms. At first, the ache to have his baby and a part of him is all consuming....so I do A LOT of therapy to understand whether I'm overwhelmed with grief or actually truly want a kid. Long story short... 3 years after he's died, I make the painful decision to destroy the sperms...knowing that I actually didn't want to be a mum. I love kids but I do not want my own. I adore being an auntie and that's enough.
My age has never bothered me until this past birthday...as I head towards menopause and am possibly in perimenopause... I'm sooooo much more aware of my age...my failing "looks" and my approaching "invisibility". I've already noticed not being noticed. Being single just accentuates it. I've only recently felt more like dating and trying to find love again...and sometimes it's depressing because I've been "conditioned" to think of my looks as my only commodity. While I wholeheartedly disagree with that.... it's something so imprinted on you from a young age... it's so hard to shake that feeling and take power back that you are more than just a body. I'll continue to dip toes in the online dating world 🤢 but secretly hope that someone materialises right in front of me so I don't have to continue the endless swiping. I'm more concerned with changing up my life and career and starting a new chapter that will fulfill my soul. Looking forward to the future while shedding the skin of younger me. Thanks again for your words and all the comments on here. I enjoyed this article a lot ❤️
Oh Caragh, what a hard, hard road you've been travelling - sending you a big hug for that. I think the mid-forties transition (that's when ageism at work really started to hit for me too) can be a heck of a shock! I understand that the dating apps have become a pretty toxic environment and I confess when I stuck my toes in that swamp 8 years ago, I chose a site that didn't have an app, for exactly that reason (probably does by now!) So much of this is just LUCK (as it was for me and my partner meeting each other on that site within 2 days; he'd been on it 2 years). There are so many midlife and older women who are making their way in the world as childless/free solos, and although it can be tough at times, it can also be very rewarding too. 'Looking forward to the future whilst shedding the skin of younger me' - now that's one heck of a motto, and one I wholeheartedly agree with. After all the shit you've been through, finding a way to fulfil your soul sounds like a damn good plan. Big hugs, Jody x
You are speaking right to my heart. Thank you. I'm 62, was infertile. I work every day not to put too much stock in what I see in the mirror, but to appreciate what my body can provide for me, pleasure and joy and adventure and all of that. I had appearance privilege, and it's hard to reconcile not being seen in the world. I have a long cancer history, and a lifelong history of loss and grief. Dancing that razor's edge of appreciation and fear...
It's been a long time since I read something that so speaks to my experience. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Dear Celeste, I'm so glad this spoke to your experience... and I'm sorry to hear of your long dance with cancer, grief and loss. I am very familiar with the second two, and have been dealing with a chronic pain condition since my late 20s which ended my career (at the time) and humbled my ego to the ground... and then divorce and childlessness ground it to dust. I'm wondering how we might learn how to actually fully appreciate what we see in the mirror? Certainly for me, a gratitude practice towards my body helps, but oh, those noises in my head, that internalalised male gaze, fuck I wish I could tune it out!!!!
It’s true and historically true that women are valued for their youth and fertility and societally disapproved of for aging……which is a crazy waste of all that value that we should be given to experience and wisdom.
I'm going to damn well use my experience and wisdom anyway, and appreciate it myself, even if 'society' doesn't. Society is a shit show and I refuse to let it run the inside of my head (anymore)! You're right; it's crazy!
I love this article and feel your pain of trying to talk about issues of aging and childlessness in a culture that does not fully embrace or appreciate either. Although my experience has been different. I think I was born as a little old lady and am finally emerging at the age I always felt. I will turn 55 this year. I never felt very comfortable in the male gaze, and I was able to avoid it. I learned to enjoy my invisibility at a young age. I had some issues with TMJ and a specialist dentist told me the next step was to grind my teeth to change my bite. I told people the dentist gave me a visual representation of what I would look like and I would show them a picture of Christopher Walken in the movie Sleepy Hollow. The joke had mixed reactions, as in your article, Jody. People definitely missed the point I was trying to make as people said, "Don't worry, you won't look that ugly."
I love that you feel you were born as a 'little old lady' and I'd love to hear more from you about why you feel that, and how that manifested? I have certainly felt waaaayyyy older than my peers since the dark night night of the soul that was part of coming to terms with my mid-life divorce, singleness, childlessness and menopause... and losing the vast part of my peer group to motherhood... Having survived what felt like identity death (I kid you not) I have walked out of that fire with eyes that see the world differently and with any naivety that 'you get what you deserve' scoured from my soul. Strangely enough, that depth, which has made me impatient with shallowness, has also reconnected me with the spiritual (and maybe even a little bit spooky) kid I once was too! xxx
Thank you, Jody! My little old lady vibe was mixed with being the youngest of three daughters by 9 and 12 years. I was put in school early because of my birthday and felt like I was playing catch up because of that. The old lady part I seem to have been born with. My favorite doll as a kid was even an old lady, Mrs. Beasley. As to the scouring of your soul, even people with children have a similar experience. When my kids graduated from high school, the parents I had spent many evenings and weekends with because of sports and school seemed to vanish into thin air. I live in a small town and rarely even run into any of them at the grocery store or out and about. It's definitely feels like an identity death or being dumped in a desert saying, "hello? Is anyone there?" I don't mind by the way. I was never one to crave a lot of company, but it is strange how many deaths we experience in life.
I haven`t warn it myself, but if they don`t like my saggy face then... 😛 I do think that us older women are judged much harsher for having aged, than the old farts out there. But that`s life..... I guess 🤔 x
So much came up for me reading this! This transition from visible to invisible, I think I’m in the nice bit at the moment of relief from the male gaze. I still occasionally get it but much less and I’m so happy. But I’d not considered that I’d miss it.
There was so much more than this that came up though, where to begin. Thank you for writing ✍️💚
There's the missing of it... and then the many social ramifications of losing it. From being served in a restaurant to be listened to by professionals. Without our youth/beauty, we have no currency, no value to mainstream society... as long as we continue to play along, that is...
Though I’ve reflected on the invisibility of older women, and only recently, after going to an exhibition. The exhibition was playing with the women’s role in society, the pressure of looks and then at some point become invisible. It was mainly about beauty but touched on the role of older women, similar to what you said, in the sense of mother/grandma/aunty etc.
I live in the south of Spain and I can’t possibly imagine becoming more invisible by professional (men mostly). I have a theory that Spanish women get louder with age to compensate for this, Spanish women pass a point where their voice booms and their hand actions get more animated.
I need to do observations, especially re the restaurants.
I also reflected on recently on beauty, or perhaps standard beauty, in itself and how it affects the way people interact with you or talk about you. (Off the back of my brother finding a very good looking partner and my family’s reactions to her… But I digress).
One of the male commentators on this thread wrote about research in less sexist countries, like the Netherlands and Scandinavia. There, it seems that both sexes become invisible as they age... I'm not sure that's an improvement, but it does show how much ageism is woven into this experience too...
Spain has one of the highest rates of non-motherhood in Europe at 1 in 4 (as does Italy) so it will be interesting to see how those women carve a new identity for themselves as they age, without being mothers/grandmothers or perhaps 'Aunty' (because with smaller families, there are less niblings too... and not every non-mother sister is 'welcomed' into the Aunt role... many are shunned.
That’s interesting, I feel like you’ve got a part two brewing!
Spain has very high infertility rates despite considered the most advanced laws for fertility treatment. 1/4 is so high though!
Families are very small now here so yes you’re right it’ll be interesting to see this new generation.
I struggle being childless in a small town or big town, I get asked every week if I have children and nearly as often if I want children. My mother-in-law describes people by their family and when I talk about friends asks if they have a family (meaning children).
I don’t know if I’ve seen women being shunned as such, I think it’s more excluded. But I’m going to observe some more.
I’d love to read more of this theme and what comes up. I’m sure I’m these comments there’s plenty of material to expand on!
Many of those 1 in 4 will be childless by circumstance (often not having a partner) and others will be childfree (childless by choice). Infertility is a much smaller factor in childlessness than those ‘outside’ the field may often appreciate. And to your point about ‘shunning’ vs ‘excluding’ - if you’re on the receiving end of ‘excluding’, ‘shunning’ is exactly how it feels…
That’s very true, are there numbers on that or are they lumped in together?
I don’t agree with the excluding and shunning, I think there is a subtle difference even in feeling. But, that’s my feeling now. Perhaps as I age I’ll feel differently. Or as I observe more.
I remember being out and about with an older American friend when I was still in my thirties. I remember her saying something about the invisible, after some passing men had glanced my way. I responded to her in much the same way as your friends in Italy responded to you. And I did so, because I found it hard to believe that this tall, striking woman could possibly fail to attract the attention of plenty of men. And of course, like you, she didn't care about that. That was not the point she was making.
Years before that I remember hearing Germaine Greer speak about this invisibility. I couldn't believe it then either. How could someone as extraordinary as Greer ever be invisible?
I'm 51 now and have certainly experienced a sense of loss about no longer being young. I even miss my periods sometimes. They are something I never thought I would miss.
This invisibility though still baffles me as I have yet to experience . I certainly don't get as much attention from men as I did in earlier years, but I do get some, mostly of the type that would have been unwelcome when it was more commonplace, but now amuses me.
I am not invisible because I live in rural Thailand, so I stand out. I am short and have dark hair, so I am not as noticeable as many Western women would be, but I still stand out. I get stared at here. I am noticed and sometimes I wish I was invisible. Best be careful what I wish for I suppose.
Of course, there is a different attitude towards ageing in Thailand too. Thai people cannot understand why Westerners consider it rude to ask women their age. I must admit that I hate being asked my age myself and often take a few years off if I am asked. But is ridiculous, isn't it? It's as if all us Western women are deluding ourselves, making believe we will be 29 or 32 or even 43 forever. We won't. We might as well embrace ageing, because it's happening unless we're very unfortunate and die young.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Margaret - I'm interested to know what the attitude towards unpartnered childless old/er women is in Thailand?
Germaine Greer is now in now 85 and lives in an aged-care facility, 100km north of Melbourne, Australia; it sounds like a really nice place. "Give me the right to grow up, let me age. In our society, elder women have no respect," she said.
I don't miss my periods anymore, but I remember a moment about 6 years ago when I was packing up to move to Ireland (from London) and I found an old box of tampons at the back of my bathroom cupboard and I sat with them and wept for the woman I'd been, and the children I'd never had; it took me by surprise, this talisman of my potentially reproductive years...
It's hard for me to see exactly what they attitude towards unpartnered older childless women is here. When people see me, they see a farang (a foreigner) and that dictates how they respond to me. I feel that the attitude to farang here is very similar to the attitude towards American tourists in Ireland when I was a child. (Back then pretty much all the tourists were American, in Cashel anyway.) Everything was done to please or pacify the Americans, but everyone thought the Americans were a bit thick. And of course when you are in a foreign place you are a bit thick, because you don't understand the local culture.
Some of the people who work with me are un-partnered and some are childless. I am the only one who is both. I doubt there is much if any state provision for elderly people who don't have anyone to care for them. One of my colleagues, a married woman with two children, has her elderly parents plus an elderly Aunt and Uncle living with her. So, I suspect it's down to the extended family to look out for older childless relatives.
My mother used to always tell us to put her in a nursing home if and when she lost her independence. Her death was sudden and she never did lose her independence. But this aversion to being dependent or to being a burden, is it a new thing in our culture? Or is it something that was there all along but has intensified? I thinkThai parents (and Asian parents generally) feel they have a right to be a burden, that their children have an obligation to them.
I feel like our parents' generation were all into getting us educated educated so we could live these fabulous lives, lives they didn't want to encroach on. But what i have found is that often trying to live a fabulous life felt burdensome and joy and reward has come from looking out for and taking care of others. None of which really answers your question about childless older women. I have met some women who became Buddhist nuns or joined religious communities later in life. That seems to be a thing. And I can't imagine older women getting poor service here.
I read a fascinating book by an American history professor, Rachel Chrastil called ‘How to be Childless: A History and Philosophy of Life Without Children’ which looks at childlessness (both voluntary and involuntary) over the last 500 years. One of the (many) parts I found interesting was our rose-tinted view of how ‘in the past’ children would care for their elders… In fact, the author found many ‘legal contracts’ between parents and children explicitly stating what support was required for the children to inherit! https://global.oup.com/academic/product/how-to-be-childless-9780190918620?q=chrastil&lang=en&cc=us#
Thank you for this. I'm approaching the perimenopause and I'm dreading it. My mother, on the other hand, has sailed through. Her attitude can be summed up as "If you are lucky and keep your joints intact, men will stop seeing you as 'fuckable' and started seeing you as 'don't fuck with.'
Dear Natalie - there's so much more support and information available now for the menopause transition than there used to be and I'd encourage you to shift your mindset from dread to curiosity - it's a natural stage of a woman's life and, rather like your mother, I have to say that the interior view from the other side of it is actually pretty liberating and the IDGAF energy of post-menopause, as your mother says, has its own joys...
Here on Substack we have Ann Marie McQueen at @HotFlashInc who I really recommend
This was such a beautiful, heartfelt and enlightening read Jody! You’ve given me so much to think about.
“nobody could hear that I wasn't asking for reasons not to give up hope of motherhood—I was talking about what it felt like after you'd given up hope”
That hit me right in the feels. I lost my ability to bear children at 24 when I needed an emergency hysterectomy… and I’m only NOW (in my mid 40s) talking and writing about it. It was one of the biggest turning points in my life - and I believe set me on my solo adventure path - but I couldn’t talk about it. Because other people couldn’t accept it. They always had solutions and suggestions and EXPECTATIONS. So many expectations. They didn’t understand that I had already given up the hope and moved past it.
I’m so grateful to be able to share these experiences now - and I hope my stories can help other women who have similar experiences. I also wonder about the male gaze… being infertile at such a young age no doubt changed me but I’m not sure it changed their biological perception of me. Lots to think about!
Lisa - it's so hard to be out of step with your peers, and it's something that many women who've lost the possibility of bearing children young have shared with me - whether through surgical reasons or very early menopause, or other conditions. It's truly yet another dimension to the disenfranchised grief of both childlessness and chronic illness, both of which get very little compassion or understanding in our culture. Big hugs, Jody x
I was always an old soul - the kid who sat alone reading at summer camp and bonded with adults easier than other kids. So I guess I was always a bit out of step.
Losing your fertility at 24 can take you drastically out of step though. I’ve spent 2 decades witnessing weddings and baby showers and first birthdays - all the while having quiet solo celebrations of my own very different milestones.
Brilliant essay, but also saddening. I found myself only half-relating while reading (and I'm considerably older than you), but a voice inside me kept saying~ "hey, wait just a damn minute!"
Truth is, I began rebuilding myself from the ground up in my early 20's, post emotional breakdown. I'd done a little modeling, 'right place, right time' kinda stuff... but knew very well, I didn't want a career as a model, because if I had to place that much hyper-focus on my veneer, I'd have to leap off a tall building once the camera found me less than spectacularly alluring. (My emotional history definitely played an integral part in this decision.)
In my 40's I was determined to "age gracefully" and was utterly convinced I would. Funny thing is though, stuff happens as we age, that we could never have pre-imagined~ like eyebrows disappearing, hairline receding, thousands of little lines criss-crossing the cheeks on our face, and gravity taking its toll on our ass. Still, I'm super-thin, and haven't YET resorted to hanging upside-down in my sleep, like a bat. Trust me, it's my default plan.
I think I worked so very hard on the INSIDE of me after recovering from my suicidal depression at 20, I scarcely paid attention to the OUTSIDE of me. Oh, I've always had some healthy vanity, but my mind has long-been my most prized possession, and I fiercely wanted to grow into truly LIKING myself.
I'm always a little shocked when men considerably younger than I, flirt with or even NOTICE me. It's a pleasantly delightful surprise, and I receive it with nearly 75 years of graceful, yet certainly not unchallenged living, and striving to be my best, idealized Self. That journey, I believe, never ends. As we continue to grow and evolve, we never quite arrive at our destination, but with any luck, we get closer to it, than we did the year before.
I'd like to share a sweet, earlier life story with you~ and perhaps it will land in a place where possibility exists. At 40, I met a younger man. Christopher was 10 years my junior, and his last girlfriend was a Pilates instructor, with a firm, tight body. Mine was not. I've never been an athletic type, and wasn't about to launch into it at 40 years old!
My thighs were somewhat rumply, my flesh was soft and malleable, and I had a moment of concern: When I get naked with this new lover, how will he see me? What will be his reaction?!
I decided after pondering this a bit, to BE the sexiest, most sensual, most alluring female he'd ever met. I rigorously and indelibly etched this into my mindset. It was my own little social experiment, and it worked gloriously! My lover SAW me precisely as I'd determined he would~ and I rocked his world.
I posted a YouTube video years ago, that deals directly with this subject:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_E6HNzF-Pg
Men don't care about what WE perceive to be our physical shortcomings or flaws! They actually never notice 'em, unless We point them out, in an attempt to compensate for our shame. In truth, nobody else on the planet views us as we view ourselves, because they don't have the EMOTIONAL bias against us that we've had, since we were little kids (and perhaps, didn't feel lovable or good enough)!
What we feel on the INSIDE, bleeds thru to the OUTSIDE. It's our inner joy and LIGHT, that shines through, makes us appear beautiful to others, and impacts how they respond to us!
Darling, you likely have MANY fine, rich years ahead of you. Walk down the street with your shoulders pulled back and your head held high, and THINK of yourself as vibrant, healthy and sensuous... and I'll bet ya dollars to donuts, you'll be surprised by how many male heads ya turn, especially in places like ITALY~ where ALL women are desirable to males, no matter WHAT their age! Or try Puerto Rico... a middle-aged friend lives there, and says the men are utterly scrumptious!
There are two films I always recommend to my clients who have poor body image: "Too Beautiful for You," and "Bagdad Cafe." We fall in love with the female leads in these movies~ NOT because they're gorgeous and model-thin, but because they're comfortable and happy with themselves, and can ACCEPT being appreciated and loved.
I hope I haven't overstepped, here. If I have, I sincerely apologize. I've utilized that social experiment from my 40's several times over the course of my journey. The best thing I've learned along the way, is that life's all about our attitude~ and every now and then, ya just gotta fake it till ya make it. :~)
Thank you Shari and you definitely haven't overstepped in sharing your wisdom, insight and experience! I am at peace with the lack of attention I get from men, having had too much of it, much of it predatory, in my 'fertile' years. But that doesn't mean I have to let that invisibility define me... Thank you again x
My pleasure, Jody.
As a 54 year old single woman with grandkids-I am always in a societal imposed guilt when I visit them and can’t deal with their energy all day. I love my alone time, doing what I want when I want. That is so hard to do during my 3 week visit. There are times I just want to be alone and if I dare voice this I’m guilted with comments such as “but you’re only here a few weeks”, “you can do that at home”, etc. I adore my daughter and grandchildren that is not in question. There is no question of loving time with them- but why cannot I be able to enjoy alone time without appearing as an uninterested grandmother.
Then flip side - I crave a relationship yet have no desire to seek out someone. Growing old is challenging, not only physically, but dealing with stereotypes and invisibility.
Thank you Tara. I can get overwhelmed by too much stimulation and need to retreat, and so I recognise myself in your description of how that time with your grandchildren lands... (I get the same thing with guests in my home, and I feel guilty when I don't have the energy to be 'on' all the time. I'm an HSP, maybe you are too?) I'm wondering if it might be possible to explain/schedule your need for some nervous system regulation downtime with your daughter when you are NOT staying, so that she can perhaps learn to reframe it in a way other than interested/uninterested?
And I know you're not alone in not craving relationship...!
Wow, you hit some many events in my life on the head, especially the 'Italian' effect! Onward and upward in our fantastic non-purple garments!
Thank you Cynthia! x
Hi Jody,
Thank you for a thought-provoking piece. I agree about those two camps out there. There should be a middle ground for those of us who don't fit in either. One thing never changes, there's still a lot of judging that goes on, and we women are some of the worst offenders. For ex, there's a segment of older women who are embracing going grey - which is admirable - but under the surface - there is judgment if you choose not to. And I hate it when someone brings up Helen Miren. Don't get me wrong, I love her. But she's gorgeous, and I'm sure always has been. Most of us can't, and never could, compete with gorgeous. It never bothered me to turn 50, then 60, but now with 70 on the horizon, I'm feeling like I'm about to cross over into actually being old. Funny. Not funny. Great thing about Substack is there are a lot of us older female writers flourishing here. Thanks for the great read!
Thanks Nancy - one of the things I'm hearing from other Substackians who are 70+ is that there can be a certain 'relief' in being 'old' at 70 rather than 'growing old'. But I suspect that 'getting' to that relief involves a fair bit of 'letting go' (code word for 'grief') as our youth slips further into the rear view mirror.
And I'm with you on Helen Mirren - for fucks sake - because nobody is talking about Judi Dench, who looks like an old woman, are they? Helen Mirren is thin, beautiful and ageing (with perhaps some surgery) in a way that still prioritises the male gaze.
And oh, the 'grey' nonsense - I've noticed that it's fine for thin, white, good-looking women to go grey... everyone else, not so much!
I noticed this invisibility with both men and women when I gained 10kg, stopped performing female grooming rituals and started wearing comfortable non-sexualised clothing.
I'm about 10kg over my younger middle-aged self, and post-menopausally, more and more comfortable in the androgynous clothing of my pre-puberty tomboy self. I've never been a 'sexy' dresser (wacky yes, but never particularly sexy) but my body used to do the 'talking' before... At 60, I get very little male attention and now I'm used to it, I love it!
Hi Jody, I loved this beautifully written post and read all the comments! I recently wrote a tongue-in-cheek response on this issue for my writing group, and your post inspired me to post my short story on my Author-Come-Lately Substack newsletter. I hope it gives you a giggle!
I read it and left you a comment... thank you for reading mine and being inspired to respond... xx
Being a woman in the patriarchy is hard at all ages and that most certainly includes post-menopause. I actually found the lack of attention from men a relief. But my body is just doing its own thing regardless of my efforts to stay healthy - and a socially acceptable weight. I am turning into my grandmother (who was a wonderful, but plump woman). It’s disconcerting as hell. And yes, there is a certain sense of death being far too close for comfort. Sadly, we have no role models for navigating this life period, because we are never supposed to age. Ugh. Thanks for the thoughtful article.
Thank you Michelle - what if we decided to be the role models for other women of how to inhabit our bodies as they are, not as patriarchy wants us to be... what if it's not about being potentially fuckable as we age, but is more about staving off visible decline so that others (men) don't have to face their own fear of death?
Interesting. Never thought of that but now that you said it I’m sure this is a factor.
Thank you so much for your insight, Jody. So beautifully articulated. I'm childless and just turned 45. I always thought I wanted children but was never in a rush to have any. Fast forward to 38 and I'm sitting in a fertility clinic with my partner who has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and...because we hadn't discussed kids...we had decided to keep the door "open" and freeze his sperms. Fast forward another year... 5 months before my 40th birthday... and my partner dies. My heart smashes into smithereens and I am left with his/ours aging kitty and frozen sperms. At first, the ache to have his baby and a part of him is all consuming....so I do A LOT of therapy to understand whether I'm overwhelmed with grief or actually truly want a kid. Long story short... 3 years after he's died, I make the painful decision to destroy the sperms...knowing that I actually didn't want to be a mum. I love kids but I do not want my own. I adore being an auntie and that's enough.
My age has never bothered me until this past birthday...as I head towards menopause and am possibly in perimenopause... I'm sooooo much more aware of my age...my failing "looks" and my approaching "invisibility". I've already noticed not being noticed. Being single just accentuates it. I've only recently felt more like dating and trying to find love again...and sometimes it's depressing because I've been "conditioned" to think of my looks as my only commodity. While I wholeheartedly disagree with that.... it's something so imprinted on you from a young age... it's so hard to shake that feeling and take power back that you are more than just a body. I'll continue to dip toes in the online dating world 🤢 but secretly hope that someone materialises right in front of me so I don't have to continue the endless swiping. I'm more concerned with changing up my life and career and starting a new chapter that will fulfill my soul. Looking forward to the future while shedding the skin of younger me. Thanks again for your words and all the comments on here. I enjoyed this article a lot ❤️
Oh Caragh, what a hard, hard road you've been travelling - sending you a big hug for that. I think the mid-forties transition (that's when ageism at work really started to hit for me too) can be a heck of a shock! I understand that the dating apps have become a pretty toxic environment and I confess when I stuck my toes in that swamp 8 years ago, I chose a site that didn't have an app, for exactly that reason (probably does by now!) So much of this is just LUCK (as it was for me and my partner meeting each other on that site within 2 days; he'd been on it 2 years). There are so many midlife and older women who are making their way in the world as childless/free solos, and although it can be tough at times, it can also be very rewarding too. 'Looking forward to the future whilst shedding the skin of younger me' - now that's one heck of a motto, and one I wholeheartedly agree with. After all the shit you've been through, finding a way to fulfil your soul sounds like a damn good plan. Big hugs, Jody x
You are speaking right to my heart. Thank you. I'm 62, was infertile. I work every day not to put too much stock in what I see in the mirror, but to appreciate what my body can provide for me, pleasure and joy and adventure and all of that. I had appearance privilege, and it's hard to reconcile not being seen in the world. I have a long cancer history, and a lifelong history of loss and grief. Dancing that razor's edge of appreciation and fear...
It's been a long time since I read something that so speaks to my experience. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Dear Celeste, I'm so glad this spoke to your experience... and I'm sorry to hear of your long dance with cancer, grief and loss. I am very familiar with the second two, and have been dealing with a chronic pain condition since my late 20s which ended my career (at the time) and humbled my ego to the ground... and then divorce and childlessness ground it to dust. I'm wondering how we might learn how to actually fully appreciate what we see in the mirror? Certainly for me, a gratitude practice towards my body helps, but oh, those noises in my head, that internalalised male gaze, fuck I wish I could tune it out!!!!
It’s true and historically true that women are valued for their youth and fertility and societally disapproved of for aging……which is a crazy waste of all that value that we should be given to experience and wisdom.
I'm going to damn well use my experience and wisdom anyway, and appreciate it myself, even if 'society' doesn't. Society is a shit show and I refuse to let it run the inside of my head (anymore)! You're right; it's crazy!
I love this article and feel your pain of trying to talk about issues of aging and childlessness in a culture that does not fully embrace or appreciate either. Although my experience has been different. I think I was born as a little old lady and am finally emerging at the age I always felt. I will turn 55 this year. I never felt very comfortable in the male gaze, and I was able to avoid it. I learned to enjoy my invisibility at a young age. I had some issues with TMJ and a specialist dentist told me the next step was to grind my teeth to change my bite. I told people the dentist gave me a visual representation of what I would look like and I would show them a picture of Christopher Walken in the movie Sleepy Hollow. The joke had mixed reactions, as in your article, Jody. People definitely missed the point I was trying to make as people said, "Don't worry, you won't look that ugly."
I love that you feel you were born as a 'little old lady' and I'd love to hear more from you about why you feel that, and how that manifested? I have certainly felt waaaayyyy older than my peers since the dark night night of the soul that was part of coming to terms with my mid-life divorce, singleness, childlessness and menopause... and losing the vast part of my peer group to motherhood... Having survived what felt like identity death (I kid you not) I have walked out of that fire with eyes that see the world differently and with any naivety that 'you get what you deserve' scoured from my soul. Strangely enough, that depth, which has made me impatient with shallowness, has also reconnected me with the spiritual (and maybe even a little bit spooky) kid I once was too! xxx
Thank you, Jody! My little old lady vibe was mixed with being the youngest of three daughters by 9 and 12 years. I was put in school early because of my birthday and felt like I was playing catch up because of that. The old lady part I seem to have been born with. My favorite doll as a kid was even an old lady, Mrs. Beasley. As to the scouring of your soul, even people with children have a similar experience. When my kids graduated from high school, the parents I had spent many evenings and weekends with because of sports and school seemed to vanish into thin air. I live in a small town and rarely even run into any of them at the grocery store or out and about. It's definitely feels like an identity death or being dumped in a desert saying, "hello? Is anyone there?" I don't mind by the way. I was never one to crave a lot of company, but it is strange how many deaths we experience in life.
How fascinating, thank you for that, especially the comment that your favourite doll was an 'old lady' doll... x
Men have a free pass to age, but an aging women…. its sack cloth and ashes. ☹
It's a 'look'?! x
I haven`t warn it myself, but if they don`t like my saggy face then... 😛 I do think that us older women are judged much harsher for having aged, than the old farts out there. But that`s life..... I guess 🤔 x
So much came up for me reading this! This transition from visible to invisible, I think I’m in the nice bit at the moment of relief from the male gaze. I still occasionally get it but much less and I’m so happy. But I’d not considered that I’d miss it.
There was so much more than this that came up though, where to begin. Thank you for writing ✍️💚
There's the missing of it... and then the many social ramifications of losing it. From being served in a restaurant to be listened to by professionals. Without our youth/beauty, we have no currency, no value to mainstream society... as long as we continue to play along, that is...
Oh there was so much I reflected on.
Though I’ve reflected on the invisibility of older women, and only recently, after going to an exhibition. The exhibition was playing with the women’s role in society, the pressure of looks and then at some point become invisible. It was mainly about beauty but touched on the role of older women, similar to what you said, in the sense of mother/grandma/aunty etc.
I live in the south of Spain and I can’t possibly imagine becoming more invisible by professional (men mostly). I have a theory that Spanish women get louder with age to compensate for this, Spanish women pass a point where their voice booms and their hand actions get more animated.
I need to do observations, especially re the restaurants.
I also reflected on recently on beauty, or perhaps standard beauty, in itself and how it affects the way people interact with you or talk about you. (Off the back of my brother finding a very good looking partner and my family’s reactions to her… But I digress).
One of the male commentators on this thread wrote about research in less sexist countries, like the Netherlands and Scandinavia. There, it seems that both sexes become invisible as they age... I'm not sure that's an improvement, but it does show how much ageism is woven into this experience too...
Spain has one of the highest rates of non-motherhood in Europe at 1 in 4 (as does Italy) so it will be interesting to see how those women carve a new identity for themselves as they age, without being mothers/grandmothers or perhaps 'Aunty' (because with smaller families, there are less niblings too... and not every non-mother sister is 'welcomed' into the Aunt role... many are shunned.
That’s interesting, I feel like you’ve got a part two brewing!
Spain has very high infertility rates despite considered the most advanced laws for fertility treatment. 1/4 is so high though!
Families are very small now here so yes you’re right it’ll be interesting to see this new generation.
I struggle being childless in a small town or big town, I get asked every week if I have children and nearly as often if I want children. My mother-in-law describes people by their family and when I talk about friends asks if they have a family (meaning children).
I don’t know if I’ve seen women being shunned as such, I think it’s more excluded. But I’m going to observe some more.
I’d love to read more of this theme and what comes up. I’m sure I’m these comments there’s plenty of material to expand on!
Many of those 1 in 4 will be childless by circumstance (often not having a partner) and others will be childfree (childless by choice). Infertility is a much smaller factor in childlessness than those ‘outside’ the field may often appreciate. And to your point about ‘shunning’ vs ‘excluding’ - if you’re on the receiving end of ‘excluding’, ‘shunning’ is exactly how it feels…
That’s very true, are there numbers on that or are they lumped in together?
I don’t agree with the excluding and shunning, I think there is a subtle difference even in feeling. But, that’s my feeling now. Perhaps as I age I’ll feel differently. Or as I observe more.
I remember being out and about with an older American friend when I was still in my thirties. I remember her saying something about the invisible, after some passing men had glanced my way. I responded to her in much the same way as your friends in Italy responded to you. And I did so, because I found it hard to believe that this tall, striking woman could possibly fail to attract the attention of plenty of men. And of course, like you, she didn't care about that. That was not the point she was making.
Years before that I remember hearing Germaine Greer speak about this invisibility. I couldn't believe it then either. How could someone as extraordinary as Greer ever be invisible?
I'm 51 now and have certainly experienced a sense of loss about no longer being young. I even miss my periods sometimes. They are something I never thought I would miss.
This invisibility though still baffles me as I have yet to experience . I certainly don't get as much attention from men as I did in earlier years, but I do get some, mostly of the type that would have been unwelcome when it was more commonplace, but now amuses me.
I am not invisible because I live in rural Thailand, so I stand out. I am short and have dark hair, so I am not as noticeable as many Western women would be, but I still stand out. I get stared at here. I am noticed and sometimes I wish I was invisible. Best be careful what I wish for I suppose.
Of course, there is a different attitude towards ageing in Thailand too. Thai people cannot understand why Westerners consider it rude to ask women their age. I must admit that I hate being asked my age myself and often take a few years off if I am asked. But is ridiculous, isn't it? It's as if all us Western women are deluding ourselves, making believe we will be 29 or 32 or even 43 forever. We won't. We might as well embrace ageing, because it's happening unless we're very unfortunate and die young.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment Margaret - I'm interested to know what the attitude towards unpartnered childless old/er women is in Thailand?
Germaine Greer is now in now 85 and lives in an aged-care facility, 100km north of Melbourne, Australia; it sounds like a really nice place. "Give me the right to grow up, let me age. In our society, elder women have no respect," she said.
I don't miss my periods anymore, but I remember a moment about 6 years ago when I was packing up to move to Ireland (from London) and I found an old box of tampons at the back of my bathroom cupboard and I sat with them and wept for the woman I'd been, and the children I'd never had; it took me by surprise, this talisman of my potentially reproductive years...
It's hard for me to see exactly what they attitude towards unpartnered older childless women is here. When people see me, they see a farang (a foreigner) and that dictates how they respond to me. I feel that the attitude to farang here is very similar to the attitude towards American tourists in Ireland when I was a child. (Back then pretty much all the tourists were American, in Cashel anyway.) Everything was done to please or pacify the Americans, but everyone thought the Americans were a bit thick. And of course when you are in a foreign place you are a bit thick, because you don't understand the local culture.
Some of the people who work with me are un-partnered and some are childless. I am the only one who is both. I doubt there is much if any state provision for elderly people who don't have anyone to care for them. One of my colleagues, a married woman with two children, has her elderly parents plus an elderly Aunt and Uncle living with her. So, I suspect it's down to the extended family to look out for older childless relatives.
My mother used to always tell us to put her in a nursing home if and when she lost her independence. Her death was sudden and she never did lose her independence. But this aversion to being dependent or to being a burden, is it a new thing in our culture? Or is it something that was there all along but has intensified? I thinkThai parents (and Asian parents generally) feel they have a right to be a burden, that their children have an obligation to them.
I feel like our parents' generation were all into getting us educated educated so we could live these fabulous lives, lives they didn't want to encroach on. But what i have found is that often trying to live a fabulous life felt burdensome and joy and reward has come from looking out for and taking care of others. None of which really answers your question about childless older women. I have met some women who became Buddhist nuns or joined religious communities later in life. That seems to be a thing. And I can't imagine older women getting poor service here.
I read a fascinating book by an American history professor, Rachel Chrastil called ‘How to be Childless: A History and Philosophy of Life Without Children’ which looks at childlessness (both voluntary and involuntary) over the last 500 years. One of the (many) parts I found interesting was our rose-tinted view of how ‘in the past’ children would care for their elders… In fact, the author found many ‘legal contracts’ between parents and children explicitly stating what support was required for the children to inherit! https://global.oup.com/academic/product/how-to-be-childless-9780190918620?q=chrastil&lang=en&cc=us#
Thank you for this. I'm approaching the perimenopause and I'm dreading it. My mother, on the other hand, has sailed through. Her attitude can be summed up as "If you are lucky and keep your joints intact, men will stop seeing you as 'fuckable' and started seeing you as 'don't fuck with.'
I'm looking forward to that bit, at least.
Dear Natalie - there's so much more support and information available now for the menopause transition than there used to be and I'd encourage you to shift your mindset from dread to curiosity - it's a natural stage of a woman's life and, rather like your mother, I have to say that the interior view from the other side of it is actually pretty liberating and the IDGAF energy of post-menopause, as your mother says, has its own joys...
Here on Substack we have Ann Marie McQueen at @HotFlashInc who I really recommend
https://hotflashinc.substack.com/about
Hugs, Jody x