I’m a 53 year old single never married childless woman who has had a similar experience of my body being attractive to men - from too young an age - and having that be a defining characteristic of my life for decades, then not.
I take comfort in knowing how much the hormones are the driving force. Just as my entire perspective has changed since the change of life shut off my attraction to men and my tolerance for their toxicity, I fully grasp that my dead womb and the external evidence of that is why most men no longer see me.
I was almost embarrassed when the change of life revealed to me how much my thinking had been shaped by hormones and the biological imperative - I can hardly blame men for having the same experience of life. If anything I feel sorry for men because I think those drives continue to make many of them stupid their entire lives, while many women seem to have a renewal in postmenopausal life when they become free of male gaze and their own drive which compels people pleasing.
There is no avoiding this time of life, we are lucky to have gotten this far. Embrace and enjoy it!
Hi Karla - I agree that it does seem that for men, age is just more of the same and less of the same at the same time, whereas for women there is an opportunity, if we are able to take it, of complete reinvention... And as for hormones, I do remember the time before puberty when boys were just humans, and not necessarily very interesting ones. menopausally, it's lovely to have that feeling back!
Me too! And I’ve solved my invisibility-to-men by not caring anymore (as much) and refocussing my attentions on other genders;). It’s quite freeing to not walk down the street wondering if whatever man is approaching is going to look at me/like me/be attracted to me, and to basically not see them anymore.
Having worked with a brilliant reproductive endocrinologist who said “Always go back to the biology”, hormones drive our thought, actions and behaviors; that said, I say someone should just cut off tRumps flow of T. Whoever sustains his artificial T levels should just…
I’m having a very different experience. I’ve always been overweight. I came out of the womb a chubby baby with a head full of black curls and at 61 I’m not much different. And because I’ve been bigger than most I’ve been ignored by men because of my looks for most of my life. Or I’ve gotten the creepy gross attention especially in my teens. But I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t have a boyfriend etc. I was always the friend and not the girlfriend. I wasn’t ugly - but I was the great personality girl. I did eventually marry at 40 but to a man who doesn’t notice or care what I wear or what I look like (he met me when I was at my fittest). The thing is at my age I feel so much relief. Maybe if I’d been pretty and thin I’d be missing the attention but I don’t. I care what I look like. But it’s totally for me. I like stylish clothes (my young nieces give me the thumbs up) but I dress for me. I now feel totally myself and that’s the best feeling.
Hi Maryse - I love the fact that you are relieved by the ageing process. Me too, most days. But then sometimes I see myself in the mirror and I realise that my 'pretty privilege' has expired and I feel sad to have lost the only power (youth/potential fertility) that women truly have access to under patriarchy and I feel sad. But I write about it and it passes and mostly I feel immensely blessed to be this age, and to have a voice through my writing, even if mainstream culture is too dumb to realise how amazing older women are! I love that you dress in a way that feels stylish to you (and your nieces); I can pull that out of the bag if I feel like it, but mostly I like to wear the jeans and striped shirts I wore before puberty!
I had the same experience as Maryse growing up and through all my adult life. When my friends lament the fact that men no longer notice them, I can’t share that feeling, because I never really was noticed. Now that I’m 62 the thing that most affects me is when people offer me their seat on the bus or tube. My first reaction is surprise: why would they stand up m for me to sit? Then I realise: it’s because to them I look like an ‘old lady’. I don’t feel that I look like an old lady, but I must do! The other thing that kind of shocks me is when people ask me if I’m ’still working’. Surely I don’t look that old!?
I think 'still' is a horrible ageist comment - one of my pet peeves... I have to say, the first time someone offers me a seat on public transport, I will think of your comment, as I bet my reaction will be much the same! My Inner Ageist does not see what others see... to her, I still look like I'm in my 40s I think?!
This made me laugh because having been a New Yorker for 26 years (before leaving for saner pastures) i was never offered a bus or subway seat…either it was the typical NY male reaction of “sorry lady, but no way in he*l am I giving up my seat,” or that, as I hung on to the subway straps for dear life, I was now suddenly invisible (only in Manhattan is a woman, 50+ and nine months pregnant, invisible!🤣).
Marse, I don’t think it has anything to do with your physicality, but rather that you seemed to have begun life more grounded than most! We should all strive to be more like you…comfortable in our various skins, dressing for ourselves, and not giving a rat’s ass about what other people think. I believe as women, we grow up worrying about our looks and what people think of us (until we finally wise up! Haha). If I told you how many models I’ve worked with over the years hated the way they looked and what people thought, you wouldn’t believe it. I can see that this quality in you—genuinely feeling great about yourself—is an attribute I hope to pass on to my college bound daughter!🥰
“Why should I have to be flamboyant as an older woman just to claim the right to take up space?” I love this question! Thank you for being who you are and sharing it with the rest of us. This is such a valid question 💕
Thank you dear Carrie. I don't have a problem with those older women who WANT to be flamboyant; I just hate the expectation or need. I'm always at the side of the room, not the middle and in many ways, I love that if I get attention now, it's usually for my gallows humour and dry wit, which often takes people by surprise because, you know, 'women aren't funny'...
It’s such an interesting concept that I enjoy discussing and thinking about. Especially when the idea of being a mother isn’t included in the discussion. Thank you for brining it up! And your humor and wit is one of my favorites 🥰
RIP Carrie, indeed...my other favorite of hers is “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments, they’re the temporary happy by-products of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either”
I felt this piece deep down in what's left of my heart ;) When I became single again at 43, I thought "I'm still young at heart, fun, smart, I clean up pretty well and I have a lot of love to give". I was actually EXCITED about finding a new partner as I was at a place in my life where I felt confident, creative, and secure in my own skin. It's 15 years later and I cannot even picture trying anymore. My limited internet searches yielded mostly 60-75 year olds that came off like they were doing me a huge favor by saying hello. I actually love the company of smart, interesting, and funny men of all ages and it does sting when they literally look right through you as if you do not exist. Sigh. Exceptional writing as always, Jody.
Thank you so much Eileen - and writing compliments from YOU my dear are especially welcome! I do recall the dispiriting feeling of dipping my toe in the dating pool in my forties and early fifties and thinking... er, no thank you, I'd rather be single! However, I did meet my now partner at 52 internet dating, but in a random way; I was jetlagged and couldn't sleep and wrote a totally tongue-in-cheek profile just for fun, I never expected anyone to take it seriously, or understand my sense of humour (most didn't). But one did, we connected within 24 hours of me being on the site, and it turned out that we knew people in common from our youth. What astonished me, once we became serious, was how many people told me how 'happy' they were for me, because I 'deserved' to meet a good man. I said, 'lots of people deserve to; that's not how it works, it was just luck.' Ugh. Big hugs, xxx
It was 2016, I said I was 'looking for a DT lookalike; must have a sense of humour', because I thought you'd have to have one if so. Quite a few men thought I was serious. Cue some hilarious banter with some rather confused conservative types :)
Yes! My beautiful flight attendant friend, 60 years old, says she is not going to be a nurse or a purse, and that's all men her age are looking for. Bad divorce at 50, and the dating scene was quite a fetid swamp. HOWEVER, she met a pilot two years older on a layover in South Africa two years ago and they are madly in love and have been together ever since. But she would have been okay either way. I love her, she's a badass. I think we should all aspire to badass elder status. ;)
I just found this quote. Sort of perfect to think about after reading this stellar substack. “Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.”
Interesting, thank you. Certainly for me, my single-years from 44-52 were profoundly shaping and revelatory for me. I would not be the woman I am today without them. In an interview I gave to the singles activist Shani Silver, on her 'Single Serving Podcast', in many ways, although I am now partnered again, inside, in many ways, I still 'feel' single. She said to me that this is something she has heard from many happily partnered people. I gave away so much of my identity in my first marriage (as I wrote about in my essay "The Cost of Lying to Ourselves"), but I would never do that again; I value my authenticity too much now! (And have a partner who values it too, or I wouldn't be with him!)
So true! I’ve always been an introvert but I have rediscovered interests in my 50s that require solitude and love it! No going back for me. The dating door is happily closed and I love the freedom it’s brought!
Too spot-on and well-written NOT to share. Thank you so much, Jody!! Our circumstances may be totally different - I took after my “fertile Myrtle” mother and conceived twice without even consciously “trying” - but our future reality is the same - we are older women who will not be bouncing grandbabies of our own on our knees. And in a society that values this experience, especially for the matriarchs, it’s becoming increasingly emotional and challenging to process, as the grandbabies around me are multiplying like rabbits on fertility drugs!! It’s been particularly in-my-face this year and a major source of a melancholic fog I’ve found myself immersed in this entire year.
I just wanted to thank you and let you know I see you, I hear you and I most def feel your grief and share in your mourning. It’s a lot to process. I’m in my 20th year of living alone, and truly believe my neighbors call me the crazy dog lady whenever, if ever, they chat about me. I’m fully invisible - am never invited nor included in their bunco games and cookie exchange gatherings, a reality with which I’ve long since come to terms. I have always been, and will forever endeavor to be, a great friend, so it’s totally their loss for declining to engage with this alien bereaved mother divorcee who inhabits this not-as-youthful-on-the-outside body. My heart is young and filled with joy for this life I’m gifted every single day, and I intend now, and forever, to make the best of it!
I have never dyed my hair - not once - nor will I. I’m noticing lately I’m getting a Bonnie Raitt-ish gray streak near my hairline and it makes me smile, as I admire and love her - as a musician, as a badass woman who’s lived her life on her own terms (no children for her, either) and, most importantly as a kindhearted generous soul who’s always advocated for the rights of older musicians and seen to it they get their royalties and healthcare. She’s truly an angel on earth.
I digress - surely, there are many role models we can cite and applaud. I have every intention of continuing to serve, as I have for nearly 50yr in pharmacy, and to all of those potential employers who refuse to respond to my applications for employment, you have NO idea what you’re missing out on - my age has ZERO to do with the quality of my work, nor my desire to continue working. Not everyone who’s 65 or thereabouts is winding down - I’m just getting started!
Dear Kathleen - oh how I wish you were MY neighbour - they are missing out on so much! I'm about to turn 60, and I don't see that many grandchildren on the horizon around me, but I'm sure they'll start popping up! I moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Ireland a year ago, and most of the women here are retired grandmothers, and very friendly towards me. I was sitting outside the one-room pub with a few of them last Sunday, and a few of them were talking about how rarely they get to see their young grandchildren, as they live on the other side of the world. I found myself empathising how hard that must be without feeling any pangs of envy, which gives me great hope that the deep, deep work I've done around processing a shocking smorgabord of losses at midlife (including childlessness) have hopefully prepared me well for this next stage. But I could be totally wrong (I probably will be, grief is NEVER predictable!) and I know that I'll get through that too.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your presence here too - I can imagine that the identity of a bereaved, divorced and thus childless parent is uniquely complex and I'm glad that you find my work touches part of your experience in helpful ways. Big hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much for your kindhearted words. I was in Jeannine’s workshop tonight - it was great. As far as our lifelong grieving process goes, I am of the opinion that, provided one takes the time to process all of the attendant emotions with each loss, that one becomes evermore resilient and able to deal with whatever comes next. Patience, tons of self-love and grace are all required. Your tiny hamlet sounds enchanting and idyllic - a far cry from suburban Chicagoland! I do love my city as well as my hometown, tho, so no complaints!
Jody, this was a great piece! While I am guilty of falling into the category of women on your Pinterest board (I was one of the first "silver" models, going gray almost twenty years ago), I watched with interest (after retiring from that life) how you can have "old" hair but you better damn well counter it with a youthful face. During the past few years as I transitioned from my former career to my present career as an writer, I've noted (mostly, I admit, on social media) young Silvers touting their rockin' bods, line-free faces, and intermittent fasting, as the key to maintaining youth (news flash: ain't never gonna happen ladies-who-follow-them...inspirational maybe, but genetics are, well, indisputable).
The point you make, Jody, is it's not really about aging, the posts are about looks. Or, in the case of the other demographic of aging women, dressing flamboyantly in bright stripes and patterns, topped with pointed hats. No one mentions the grief that swims alongside these women, like pilot fish following a whale. This is in no way, a put down of either group. Hell, I was in the former, until my last booking more than a decade ago in NYC, where I was made to look even older than my years (picture an aging East Side/Palm Beach socialite, holding a martini glass in one hand with an expression, as the client requested, to look as if I was enjoying my fifth cocktail).
I can honestly say an overwhelming wave of grief hit me when I looked in the mirror after make-up and hair. For the first time it registered how clients saw me. It didn't alter my self-worth, but it made me hyper aware of how the industry viewed me. As the model Paulina is wont to point out, appearing sexy or vibrant or unapologetic is verboten. The shit comments she received over her first nude post was laughable, and from both men and women, warning her to stay in her lane. One of the most beautiful models to grace magazine covers! So, even with her genetics, clout, and reach, she still has to fight an uphill battle to be "seen." But even with Paulina, who openly admits the struggle to accept, for now, her aging face over the desire to succumb to a nip here and a tuck there, I wonder how she'll feel in ten years (which is where I am now), when she'll realize how her face and body have accelerated, while her spirit remains ageless.
I have two sisters, one much younger and one a few years older, and we laugh (and sometimes cry) over our invisibility. I guess the crying part is the grieving part. My younger sister is just starting to experience it, I'm in the throes of it, and my older sister has accepted it. I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable with losing my viability or feel that the cloak of invisibility is a positive rather than a negative addition to my aging wardrobe.
Thank you for writing such an insightful essay on a subject that most people, especially women, need to embrace. I think we all need to grieve over the loss of our youth. It seems to me that all the yoga, workouts, fasting, make-up, hair styles, pep talks, positive memes, mindful coaching, fillers, botox, surgery, weird get-ups, three-corner hats, giant glasses, beaded jewelry, etc. are all a way to deflect the grief we feel and experience as life winds down. Grieving is not a form of giving up. On the contrary. It's a way through the tunnel and out the other side.
Thanks so much JR and how fascinating to hear your perspective as one of the first 'silver models', and busting the myth that any kind of workout, diet or procedure will result in 99% of older women looking anything like the same - it's genes mostly, just as it it with young models! I modelled very, very briefly as an 18 year old and realised how toxic it was then... the judgement that the agency had on my 'broad' hips (er, that's the way my bones are organised!) probably saved me too! When I look around at the older women I know here in Ireland, and the ones I don't know too, we are all kinds of shapes and sizes and I only know one who even vaguely looks the way we are all 'meant' to aspire to... and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you for naming that whether one is 'working' on one's appearance by spending time/money/energy on it, as capitalism tells us to, or diving into the dressing-up box to make a bold image statement, what we're not talking about is the grief of ageing as a woman in our culture. Grief is the engine of creativity and transformation -nothing changes in life without being let go of, and the emotion that enables us to let go of anything is grief. Yet here we are in late-stage capitalism, consuming our world into extinction, and god forbid we should instead stop, grieve and allow ourselves to be changed by it...
Yes! The joy of finding others walking the same path where you don’t have to over-explain to be understood! Thank you for your vulnerability, and for holding space for us to gather.
This is a great overview of what happens as women age, and there is a time of grief involved, as there is with any loss. But having gone through that grief (I’m 68), I can honestly say I would not want to go back. There is unlimited inner freedom in not being “seen” by men and not being part of the pheromone/fertility brigade. I’m amazed at what comes out of my mouth, and the words are spoken with an authority and forcefulness I never could have mustered on the other side of menopause. So please know, once the grieving process is over, you will luxuriate in a “fuck what other people think” freedom that you will treasure.
Oh Renee, this makes me want to pump my fist into the air with excitement! Just as I would not trade the self-awareness, confidence, compassion, insight and intuition that I've accrued at almost-60 for my 20 year old body, I'm so pleased to know that as I continue to age, the tradeoffs continue to accrue! I guess there is a moment coming soon (maybe it's already here, but I'm still a little in denial about it?) when I will cross that line, and fully shed the 'need to please men' skin that hangs so loosely around me these days... and join you in the IDGAF energy of post-menopause. I know I'm getting there in my writing, but I'm still perhaps a little too polite in my conversation!
Wow. I need to give this another thorough read-through and drink it all in properly as I feel certain I am following in your footsteps (Thank you for being the footprints in the sand ahead of me, lovely Jody!) even though I am not certain whether or not a partner will be on the scene for me in the future!! Here I am, 44 years old, single, childless, celibate since around 1863 and constantly frustrated by people never quite listening to what it is that we say and instead trying to make us feel better by saying things like "but you'll meet someone" etc etc - everything you write here is so spot on. It deserves my full attention later this evening after work, but wanted to say thank you! You're the best xx
Thank you as always Jody for such a well written and insightful take on what it is like to age as a woman. I am the same age you were when you wrote this.
When I was single in my 20’s catching a man’s eye was so important to me. I wanted to be a mom, so meeting the right one to do that with, that was all I cared about. I met many, I married one and no longer cared what other men’s gazes meant. Not until he told me he didn’t want to have children. He just decided this 7 years after we were together.
I found myself divorced, single and again waiting to find a man, to have a marriage and a child or two with. I caught the gaze of an incredible man, a man that loves and admires me from head to toe, but with all things, nothing can be perfect. He had a daughter and it had not been an easy situation. So, I caught the eye of the perfect man for me, whilst having to let go of what I dreamed to be the perfect life for me, one without children, but with my kind, loving husband who is my best friend.
Thank you Tamara for sharing some of your story and I'm so sorry to hear about how things worked out for you with your first husband not wanting to have children, I can imagine how devastating that must have been. I'm happy that you have found a way to be content with 'the life unexpected'. It's so complicated being human! In many ways, I'm finding being an ageing human is much easier to understand internally, but harder to deal with physically (the built-in obsolesce of the human body as it winds down can be pretty cranky!).
Thank you for this wonderful piece and all the interesting responses it brought forth. I feel the most intense "othering" from one of my sisters in law. As a woman who has chosen not to have children, she treats me like a not fully formed woman, not fully an adult and not deserving of respect and dignity. I have felt other people treating me as if I weren't fully fledged. They like to refer to you as "love", which automatically puts you in a less senior position. I'm not sure if they're even conscious of what they're doing as this attitude is so deeply ingrained in our culture. When someone asks me if I have children, as a way of undermining what I'm saying, I reply "No, but I cared for my very sick and disabled husband for 10 years. Do you have any experience in that?" It takes the wind out their sails. I love the colours violet, lilac and purple. In colour therapy it's related to grief and meltanoia which is renewal down to the cellular level and therefore I'd say a natural choice for elder women. It also holds the vibration of mystery and mystique for me, the spiritual aspects of our existence.
Thank YOU Sue for your very tender and thoughtful comment. I don't have siblings, but the one-down position you describe as a woman without children in your family is something that many childless-not-by-choice women have shared with me over the last 15 years. Pronatalism teaches us that the only 'really' mature way to be a proper grown-up as a woman is to be a mother - so if we don't experience that, by choice or chance, we're never taken as seriously; there's something unformed and unfinished about us... It's an unconsciously conditioned belief that plays out in toxic ways across all human societies and you only have to apply the slightest touch of logic to it (as per your comment about caring for your husband) and POOF! it falls apart. (And sending love for that time in both your lives, and the loss you now live with).
Thank you for the information about the vibrational energy of the colour purple - I use it as colour-coding for my 'Gateway Elderwomen' project, so on some level, it DOES feel to me like it resonates with elderhood; it just doesn't suit me to wear it... yet (Always open to changing my mind!)
I forgot to say that I very much agree with what you're saying about women being used in service of the male line. Men feel no shame in suggesting to a woman that she's good enough as an incubator, but she needs to accept the notion that a child of her own sex is second best. It's totally outrageous! If you suggested the same to a man he'd call you a man hater! We still have a long way to go. I think families should be matrilineal, as it's the woman who goes through the pregnancy, has to give birth and ends up with 90+% of childcare. Women and children are not a man's property. He can stick his name after hers, but that's as far as it should go as far as I'm concerned.
Oh Jody, thank you. So much to think about here as I’m almost the age when you first wrote this. I have definitely welcomed the fact that the intrusive questions and attention began to fall off after 45 - but wrestling with the whole “never chosen” bit in the post-hysto menopause childlessness comes with its own difficulties!
The summer I was 16 we went to Spain to spend some time with my father’s family, and one of my uncles (by marriage) told me, very comfortably and in front of several relatives, that I had a really nice body and should show it off much more. Up until then, the message at home was “cover up” which I did with grungy goth t-shirts. Eventually, once I was older and independent, I figured out what worked for my shorter and curvy body type, but - I do think the Mediterranean outlook on body image (and life!) is very different from the Anglo-Saxon one.
Despite that comment, I was never “popular” with men in the traditional sense, and haven’t been married or in many relationships - the last one was 17 years ago and was pretty terrifying at the end. It’s taken some work (when is there not something to work on?!) but, I appreciate the independent streak I’ve had since I was young - it’s made me much more comfortable with my own company, in my own skin, and have few qualms about doing things alone anymore - which I hope will serve me well in getting older. Hamilton ending its run at the Kennedy Center and finally quasi-affordable? I took myself on a nice date and enjoyed a lovely outdoor pre-theater dinner one autumn evening a few years back.
I so wish more people had listened to you at the start of your journey and that you hadn’t had to shout into the wind as much, but am ever grateful you wrote the book!
Thank you Marta for appreciating and commenting... and yes, I think there's always something to 'work' on but I'm wondering if perhaps we could see it less as 'work' and more as a natural process of evolution, of ever deeper coming into relationship with ourselves and how we show up in the world? So much of 'self improvement' or 'self development' (now hate both of those phrases!) seems to position our inner lives as some kind of capitalist 'project' - something that is never 'enough' exactly the way it is. I 'bought' (see what I did there?!) into it big time in my divorced, single and childless early forties and these days, I've swapped curiosity for judgement and self-acceptance and self-compassion for 'self development' and I seem to be continuing to grow deeper into myself... I am not a project that needs work; I am a unique and perfectly imperfect human soul, always changing, as every single human and more-than-human creature does!
Thank you for your compassion for how lonely it was for me at the start of my own childless journey 20 years ago now, and I'm so glad that there are now so many resources out there, many of which have been inspired by that book!
Thank you, Jody - I think you’re right, we are imperfect human beings always evolving but seeing ourselves as “projects” often gets drilled in as much as the other conditioning. Reminds me a bit of the Pierre Teillhard de Chardin quote “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Unfortunately we now make “work” out of, and sometimes even quantify - rest and leisure, which is horrible! But yes, I see what you did there ;-) I bought into a lot of “self help” in my 30’s also. Hugs to all the ages of you, too - I love that phrase! XO
My favourite old woman character in fiction has always been Miss Marple - always the smartest woman in the room, but invisible to others because of her low social status as an spinster old lady of modest means... and the way she would use that to her advantage. I may need to seriously get my tweed outfits sorted... x
Jody Thankyou so much for sharing, I was only just listening to a You Tube video last night of Carolyn Miss where she is talking about the Archetype of the Wounded Child and how this archetype came about when television was invented in the 60’s because people all of a sudden had an outside source to compare their lives against the ideal scenarios TV was showing at the time which gave rise to an awareness of being less than ideal. Carolyn referred to her own experience of seeing a show and how the mother in the show was in bed with a set of pearls on, full makeup and hair done and she was confused because her own mother didn’t look like that when she went to bed. And it made me realise that TV production has been created by mostly men, who have given themselves permission to be as they are while ensuring women are always portrayed as “perfect”. And so now it makes me wonder, with social media essentially being driven arguably by quite a lot of women instead of only “male producers” if men will be more predisposed to an unrealistic exhausting standard that is yet to come. I’ve started to see a lot of older women flaunting themselves on social media in terms of shining their radiance and how fit their body is, how great their skin is etc, but to be honest something about it doesn’t sit right with me. I’m happy for them but there’s a part of me that feels it’s a bit exhausting and that they shouldn’t have to do that to be a shining pedastal of a happy ageing woman. And the whole concept of just how much money and time is going into maintaining that image even if she has let her hair gone grey. To be honest I’m 40 and I’ll try and hold onto my youthful look for as long as I can but I also think I’m just far to arrogant to be showing myself off physically as I start to age and if people don’t like how I look then I’m not about to start parading about trying to reverse it. I’m quite looking forward actually to that retirement in a way.
It's a fascinating point you make, about the insidious power of comparison... and indeed, how many more opportunities there are for it now in our 24/7 social media, algorithm driven culture. The shiny instagram older hotties would never have impinged on my mother or grandmother's identities, although they would have seen their own 'version' of them in celebrity magazines, films and TV. But they could have switched those off and walked away, which feels like a luxury we don't have... or do we? I have certainly thoroughly 'curated' my use of all media (including social media) over the last decade+ and apart from the recent enshittification of Instagram, which now pumps out anti-ageing bollocks at me (thus I spend less and less time on it, only using it for work, and may cease using it altogether), my mental real estate is in reasonably good shape. As one of the commenters (JR Roessl) below, who was one of the first 'silver models' has pointed out; looking like that at mid-life and older is 99% genetics (ie LUCK) and has nothing to do with diets, exercise etc! We're being sold a lie, as ever. Learning to love my ageing body feels like a radical act of defiance against the overculture that wants to imagine that ageing is something that only happens to those who 'don't make an effort'... and ultimately, that death can be avoided. Nope. Coming for all of us!
I so identify with this. I live in a funny in-between place. Some days the fact that nobody is looking at me anymore feels like a restful cloak of anonymity. But there are other days when it stings. But it is absolutely true that we are invisible over the age of 50. Men's worth is measured by so many more variable than women's. I can be maddening. Thank you for putting all of this into words so bravely.
Women are valued for their youth (which potentially equals fertilty); men are valued for their achievements and experience, which accrue with age. Under patriarchy, women either fight to 'remain' visible by increasingly onerous 'beauty' regimes, or find another way to fight the system. Patriarchy is not gravity, it won't always exist as it's eating the very world that feeds it. It won't go quietly and I hope that helping older women realise and fight for their value will help to create what comes next...
Choosing what messages from society we 'believe' is crucial to our empowerment. I'm happy for you that you have not chosen to believe you are invisible, and I take heart from that, thank you x
I think perhaps we don't disagree. What I'm referring to here is the explicit and implicit message that older women get from society that they are invisible, and the way we are perceived - or not perceived - by others. This is real and should be addressed and called out. It doesn't mean we always feel invisible, or that those who know us fail to see and appreciate us after the age of 50. In the sense I believe you intend, I am also not invisible. But the reality of older women's lives very much bears out the point of this piece which is, in part, that men are allowed to age and maintain their status, careers and viability. Women very often are not. The Helen Mirrens and J. Los are the exceptions that prove the rule. I want all women to feel vital into their later years, but we won't get there if we deny the reality of how society sees and treats us. I'm cheering for your wonderful attitude and positive experience.
I’m a 53 year old single never married childless woman who has had a similar experience of my body being attractive to men - from too young an age - and having that be a defining characteristic of my life for decades, then not.
I take comfort in knowing how much the hormones are the driving force. Just as my entire perspective has changed since the change of life shut off my attraction to men and my tolerance for their toxicity, I fully grasp that my dead womb and the external evidence of that is why most men no longer see me.
I was almost embarrassed when the change of life revealed to me how much my thinking had been shaped by hormones and the biological imperative - I can hardly blame men for having the same experience of life. If anything I feel sorry for men because I think those drives continue to make many of them stupid their entire lives, while many women seem to have a renewal in postmenopausal life when they become free of male gaze and their own drive which compels people pleasing.
There is no avoiding this time of life, we are lucky to have gotten this far. Embrace and enjoy it!
Hi Karla - I agree that it does seem that for men, age is just more of the same and less of the same at the same time, whereas for women there is an opportunity, if we are able to take it, of complete reinvention... And as for hormones, I do remember the time before puberty when boys were just humans, and not necessarily very interesting ones. menopausally, it's lovely to have that feeling back!
I call it reverse puberty. I’m really enjoying it.
Me too! I’m a month shy of 55 and love this phase of life.
Interesting take.
Me too! And I’ve solved my invisibility-to-men by not caring anymore (as much) and refocussing my attentions on other genders;). It’s quite freeing to not walk down the street wondering if whatever man is approaching is going to look at me/like me/be attracted to me, and to basically not see them anymore.
Yes, yes, yes
I love your comment! So true!
Having worked with a brilliant reproductive endocrinologist who said “Always go back to the biology”, hormones drive our thought, actions and behaviors; that said, I say someone should just cut off tRumps flow of T. Whoever sustains his artificial T levels should just…
I’m having a very different experience. I’ve always been overweight. I came out of the womb a chubby baby with a head full of black curls and at 61 I’m not much different. And because I’ve been bigger than most I’ve been ignored by men because of my looks for most of my life. Or I’ve gotten the creepy gross attention especially in my teens. But I didn’t go to prom. I didn’t have a boyfriend etc. I was always the friend and not the girlfriend. I wasn’t ugly - but I was the great personality girl. I did eventually marry at 40 but to a man who doesn’t notice or care what I wear or what I look like (he met me when I was at my fittest). The thing is at my age I feel so much relief. Maybe if I’d been pretty and thin I’d be missing the attention but I don’t. I care what I look like. But it’s totally for me. I like stylish clothes (my young nieces give me the thumbs up) but I dress for me. I now feel totally myself and that’s the best feeling.
Hi Maryse - I love the fact that you are relieved by the ageing process. Me too, most days. But then sometimes I see myself in the mirror and I realise that my 'pretty privilege' has expired and I feel sad to have lost the only power (youth/potential fertility) that women truly have access to under patriarchy and I feel sad. But I write about it and it passes and mostly I feel immensely blessed to be this age, and to have a voice through my writing, even if mainstream culture is too dumb to realise how amazing older women are! I love that you dress in a way that feels stylish to you (and your nieces); I can pull that out of the bag if I feel like it, but mostly I like to wear the jeans and striped shirts I wore before puberty!
I had the same experience as Maryse growing up and through all my adult life. When my friends lament the fact that men no longer notice them, I can’t share that feeling, because I never really was noticed. Now that I’m 62 the thing that most affects me is when people offer me their seat on the bus or tube. My first reaction is surprise: why would they stand up m for me to sit? Then I realise: it’s because to them I look like an ‘old lady’. I don’t feel that I look like an old lady, but I must do! The other thing that kind of shocks me is when people ask me if I’m ’still working’. Surely I don’t look that old!?
I think 'still' is a horrible ageist comment - one of my pet peeves... I have to say, the first time someone offers me a seat on public transport, I will think of your comment, as I bet my reaction will be much the same! My Inner Ageist does not see what others see... to her, I still look like I'm in my 40s I think?!
This made me laugh because having been a New Yorker for 26 years (before leaving for saner pastures) i was never offered a bus or subway seat…either it was the typical NY male reaction of “sorry lady, but no way in he*l am I giving up my seat,” or that, as I hung on to the subway straps for dear life, I was now suddenly invisible (only in Manhattan is a woman, 50+ and nine months pregnant, invisible!🤣).
Marse, I don’t think it has anything to do with your physicality, but rather that you seemed to have begun life more grounded than most! We should all strive to be more like you…comfortable in our various skins, dressing for ourselves, and not giving a rat’s ass about what other people think. I believe as women, we grow up worrying about our looks and what people think of us (until we finally wise up! Haha). If I told you how many models I’ve worked with over the years hated the way they looked and what people thought, you wouldn’t believe it. I can see that this quality in you—genuinely feeling great about yourself—is an attribute I hope to pass on to my college bound daughter!🥰
Thank you! I didn’t always feel this way but I guess I faked it a lot until I felt it.
“Why should I have to be flamboyant as an older woman just to claim the right to take up space?” I love this question! Thank you for being who you are and sharing it with the rest of us. This is such a valid question 💕
Thank you dear Carrie. I don't have a problem with those older women who WANT to be flamboyant; I just hate the expectation or need. I'm always at the side of the room, not the middle and in many ways, I love that if I get attention now, it's usually for my gallows humour and dry wit, which often takes people by surprise because, you know, 'women aren't funny'...
It’s such an interesting concept that I enjoy discussing and thinking about. Especially when the idea of being a mother isn’t included in the discussion. Thank you for brining it up! And your humor and wit is one of my favorites 🥰
RIP Carrie, indeed...my other favorite of hers is “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments, they’re the temporary happy by-products of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either”
I felt this piece deep down in what's left of my heart ;) When I became single again at 43, I thought "I'm still young at heart, fun, smart, I clean up pretty well and I have a lot of love to give". I was actually EXCITED about finding a new partner as I was at a place in my life where I felt confident, creative, and secure in my own skin. It's 15 years later and I cannot even picture trying anymore. My limited internet searches yielded mostly 60-75 year olds that came off like they were doing me a huge favor by saying hello. I actually love the company of smart, interesting, and funny men of all ages and it does sting when they literally look right through you as if you do not exist. Sigh. Exceptional writing as always, Jody.
Thank you so much Eileen - and writing compliments from YOU my dear are especially welcome! I do recall the dispiriting feeling of dipping my toe in the dating pool in my forties and early fifties and thinking... er, no thank you, I'd rather be single! However, I did meet my now partner at 52 internet dating, but in a random way; I was jetlagged and couldn't sleep and wrote a totally tongue-in-cheek profile just for fun, I never expected anyone to take it seriously, or understand my sense of humour (most didn't). But one did, we connected within 24 hours of me being on the site, and it turned out that we knew people in common from our youth. What astonished me, once we became serious, was how many people told me how 'happy' they were for me, because I 'deserved' to meet a good man. I said, 'lots of people deserve to; that's not how it works, it was just luck.' Ugh. Big hugs, xxx
I LOVE THIS !!! It brings me joy to know it’s out there even if it doesn’t find me. ❤️❤️❤️
It was 2016, I said I was 'looking for a DT lookalike; must have a sense of humour', because I thought you'd have to have one if so. Quite a few men thought I was serious. Cue some hilarious banter with some rather confused conservative types :)
Yes! My beautiful flight attendant friend, 60 years old, says she is not going to be a nurse or a purse, and that's all men her age are looking for. Bad divorce at 50, and the dating scene was quite a fetid swamp. HOWEVER, she met a pilot two years older on a layover in South Africa two years ago and they are madly in love and have been together ever since. But she would have been okay either way. I love her, she's a badass. I think we should all aspire to badass elder status. ;)
I am also a flight attendant. Thank you for sharing your friend’s experience ❤️
They sparred like brother and sister at first. Too funny. It was like watching an old movie with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert.
Those are the BEST movies. I also adore 'My Girl Friday' for the fastest, snappiest dialogue ever!
I just found this quote. Sort of perfect to think about after reading this stellar substack. “Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.”
— Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Interesting, thank you. Certainly for me, my single-years from 44-52 were profoundly shaping and revelatory for me. I would not be the woman I am today without them. In an interview I gave to the singles activist Shani Silver, on her 'Single Serving Podcast', in many ways, although I am now partnered again, inside, in many ways, I still 'feel' single. She said to me that this is something she has heard from many happily partnered people. I gave away so much of my identity in my first marriage (as I wrote about in my essay "The Cost of Lying to Ourselves"), but I would never do that again; I value my authenticity too much now! (And have a partner who values it too, or I wouldn't be with him!)
So true! I’ve always been an introvert but I have rediscovered interests in my 50s that require solitude and love it! No going back for me. The dating door is happily closed and I love the freedom it’s brought!
Too spot-on and well-written NOT to share. Thank you so much, Jody!! Our circumstances may be totally different - I took after my “fertile Myrtle” mother and conceived twice without even consciously “trying” - but our future reality is the same - we are older women who will not be bouncing grandbabies of our own on our knees. And in a society that values this experience, especially for the matriarchs, it’s becoming increasingly emotional and challenging to process, as the grandbabies around me are multiplying like rabbits on fertility drugs!! It’s been particularly in-my-face this year and a major source of a melancholic fog I’ve found myself immersed in this entire year.
I just wanted to thank you and let you know I see you, I hear you and I most def feel your grief and share in your mourning. It’s a lot to process. I’m in my 20th year of living alone, and truly believe my neighbors call me the crazy dog lady whenever, if ever, they chat about me. I’m fully invisible - am never invited nor included in their bunco games and cookie exchange gatherings, a reality with which I’ve long since come to terms. I have always been, and will forever endeavor to be, a great friend, so it’s totally their loss for declining to engage with this alien bereaved mother divorcee who inhabits this not-as-youthful-on-the-outside body. My heart is young and filled with joy for this life I’m gifted every single day, and I intend now, and forever, to make the best of it!
I have never dyed my hair - not once - nor will I. I’m noticing lately I’m getting a Bonnie Raitt-ish gray streak near my hairline and it makes me smile, as I admire and love her - as a musician, as a badass woman who’s lived her life on her own terms (no children for her, either) and, most importantly as a kindhearted generous soul who’s always advocated for the rights of older musicians and seen to it they get their royalties and healthcare. She’s truly an angel on earth.
I digress - surely, there are many role models we can cite and applaud. I have every intention of continuing to serve, as I have for nearly 50yr in pharmacy, and to all of those potential employers who refuse to respond to my applications for employment, you have NO idea what you’re missing out on - my age has ZERO to do with the quality of my work, nor my desire to continue working. Not everyone who’s 65 or thereabouts is winding down - I’m just getting started!
Dear Kathleen - oh how I wish you were MY neighbour - they are missing out on so much! I'm about to turn 60, and I don't see that many grandchildren on the horizon around me, but I'm sure they'll start popping up! I moved to a tiny hamlet in rural Ireland a year ago, and most of the women here are retired grandmothers, and very friendly towards me. I was sitting outside the one-room pub with a few of them last Sunday, and a few of them were talking about how rarely they get to see their young grandchildren, as they live on the other side of the world. I found myself empathising how hard that must be without feeling any pangs of envy, which gives me great hope that the deep, deep work I've done around processing a shocking smorgabord of losses at midlife (including childlessness) have hopefully prepared me well for this next stage. But I could be totally wrong (I probably will be, grief is NEVER predictable!) and I know that I'll get through that too.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your presence here too - I can imagine that the identity of a bereaved, divorced and thus childless parent is uniquely complex and I'm glad that you find my work touches part of your experience in helpful ways. Big hugs, Jody x
Thank you so much for your kindhearted words. I was in Jeannine’s workshop tonight - it was great. As far as our lifelong grieving process goes, I am of the opinion that, provided one takes the time to process all of the attendant emotions with each loss, that one becomes evermore resilient and able to deal with whatever comes next. Patience, tons of self-love and grace are all required. Your tiny hamlet sounds enchanting and idyllic - a far cry from suburban Chicagoland! I do love my city as well as my hometown, tho, so no complaints!
Jody, this was a great piece! While I am guilty of falling into the category of women on your Pinterest board (I was one of the first "silver" models, going gray almost twenty years ago), I watched with interest (after retiring from that life) how you can have "old" hair but you better damn well counter it with a youthful face. During the past few years as I transitioned from my former career to my present career as an writer, I've noted (mostly, I admit, on social media) young Silvers touting their rockin' bods, line-free faces, and intermittent fasting, as the key to maintaining youth (news flash: ain't never gonna happen ladies-who-follow-them...inspirational maybe, but genetics are, well, indisputable).
The point you make, Jody, is it's not really about aging, the posts are about looks. Or, in the case of the other demographic of aging women, dressing flamboyantly in bright stripes and patterns, topped with pointed hats. No one mentions the grief that swims alongside these women, like pilot fish following a whale. This is in no way, a put down of either group. Hell, I was in the former, until my last booking more than a decade ago in NYC, where I was made to look even older than my years (picture an aging East Side/Palm Beach socialite, holding a martini glass in one hand with an expression, as the client requested, to look as if I was enjoying my fifth cocktail).
I can honestly say an overwhelming wave of grief hit me when I looked in the mirror after make-up and hair. For the first time it registered how clients saw me. It didn't alter my self-worth, but it made me hyper aware of how the industry viewed me. As the model Paulina is wont to point out, appearing sexy or vibrant or unapologetic is verboten. The shit comments she received over her first nude post was laughable, and from both men and women, warning her to stay in her lane. One of the most beautiful models to grace magazine covers! So, even with her genetics, clout, and reach, she still has to fight an uphill battle to be "seen." But even with Paulina, who openly admits the struggle to accept, for now, her aging face over the desire to succumb to a nip here and a tuck there, I wonder how she'll feel in ten years (which is where I am now), when she'll realize how her face and body have accelerated, while her spirit remains ageless.
I have two sisters, one much younger and one a few years older, and we laugh (and sometimes cry) over our invisibility. I guess the crying part is the grieving part. My younger sister is just starting to experience it, I'm in the throes of it, and my older sister has accepted it. I'm not sure I will ever feel comfortable with losing my viability or feel that the cloak of invisibility is a positive rather than a negative addition to my aging wardrobe.
Thank you for writing such an insightful essay on a subject that most people, especially women, need to embrace. I think we all need to grieve over the loss of our youth. It seems to me that all the yoga, workouts, fasting, make-up, hair styles, pep talks, positive memes, mindful coaching, fillers, botox, surgery, weird get-ups, three-corner hats, giant glasses, beaded jewelry, etc. are all a way to deflect the grief we feel and experience as life winds down. Grieving is not a form of giving up. On the contrary. It's a way through the tunnel and out the other side.
Thanks so much JR and how fascinating to hear your perspective as one of the first 'silver models', and busting the myth that any kind of workout, diet or procedure will result in 99% of older women looking anything like the same - it's genes mostly, just as it it with young models! I modelled very, very briefly as an 18 year old and realised how toxic it was then... the judgement that the agency had on my 'broad' hips (er, that's the way my bones are organised!) probably saved me too! When I look around at the older women I know here in Ireland, and the ones I don't know too, we are all kinds of shapes and sizes and I only know one who even vaguely looks the way we are all 'meant' to aspire to... and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you for naming that whether one is 'working' on one's appearance by spending time/money/energy on it, as capitalism tells us to, or diving into the dressing-up box to make a bold image statement, what we're not talking about is the grief of ageing as a woman in our culture. Grief is the engine of creativity and transformation -nothing changes in life without being let go of, and the emotion that enables us to let go of anything is grief. Yet here we are in late-stage capitalism, consuming our world into extinction, and god forbid we should instead stop, grieve and allow ourselves to be changed by it...
Yes! The joy of finding others walking the same path where you don’t have to over-explain to be understood! Thank you for your vulnerability, and for holding space for us to gather.
Thank you for your appreciation Amy; I'm so glad that it feels like 'holding space for us to gather' - that really warms my heart x
This is a great overview of what happens as women age, and there is a time of grief involved, as there is with any loss. But having gone through that grief (I’m 68), I can honestly say I would not want to go back. There is unlimited inner freedom in not being “seen” by men and not being part of the pheromone/fertility brigade. I’m amazed at what comes out of my mouth, and the words are spoken with an authority and forcefulness I never could have mustered on the other side of menopause. So please know, once the grieving process is over, you will luxuriate in a “fuck what other people think” freedom that you will treasure.
Oh Renee, this makes me want to pump my fist into the air with excitement! Just as I would not trade the self-awareness, confidence, compassion, insight and intuition that I've accrued at almost-60 for my 20 year old body, I'm so pleased to know that as I continue to age, the tradeoffs continue to accrue! I guess there is a moment coming soon (maybe it's already here, but I'm still a little in denial about it?) when I will cross that line, and fully shed the 'need to please men' skin that hangs so loosely around me these days... and join you in the IDGAF energy of post-menopause. I know I'm getting there in my writing, but I'm still perhaps a little too polite in my conversation!
Wow. I need to give this another thorough read-through and drink it all in properly as I feel certain I am following in your footsteps (Thank you for being the footprints in the sand ahead of me, lovely Jody!) even though I am not certain whether or not a partner will be on the scene for me in the future!! Here I am, 44 years old, single, childless, celibate since around 1863 and constantly frustrated by people never quite listening to what it is that we say and instead trying to make us feel better by saying things like "but you'll meet someone" etc etc - everything you write here is so spot on. It deserves my full attention later this evening after work, but wanted to say thank you! You're the best xx
Thanks Henri and I look forward to more thoughts from you, always a treat! x
Thank you as always Jody for such a well written and insightful take on what it is like to age as a woman. I am the same age you were when you wrote this.
When I was single in my 20’s catching a man’s eye was so important to me. I wanted to be a mom, so meeting the right one to do that with, that was all I cared about. I met many, I married one and no longer cared what other men’s gazes meant. Not until he told me he didn’t want to have children. He just decided this 7 years after we were together.
I found myself divorced, single and again waiting to find a man, to have a marriage and a child or two with. I caught the gaze of an incredible man, a man that loves and admires me from head to toe, but with all things, nothing can be perfect. He had a daughter and it had not been an easy situation. So, I caught the eye of the perfect man for me, whilst having to let go of what I dreamed to be the perfect life for me, one without children, but with my kind, loving husband who is my best friend.
Thank you Tamara for sharing some of your story and I'm so sorry to hear about how things worked out for you with your first husband not wanting to have children, I can imagine how devastating that must have been. I'm happy that you have found a way to be content with 'the life unexpected'. It's so complicated being human! In many ways, I'm finding being an ageing human is much easier to understand internally, but harder to deal with physically (the built-in obsolesce of the human body as it winds down can be pretty cranky!).
Thank you for this wonderful piece and all the interesting responses it brought forth. I feel the most intense "othering" from one of my sisters in law. As a woman who has chosen not to have children, she treats me like a not fully formed woman, not fully an adult and not deserving of respect and dignity. I have felt other people treating me as if I weren't fully fledged. They like to refer to you as "love", which automatically puts you in a less senior position. I'm not sure if they're even conscious of what they're doing as this attitude is so deeply ingrained in our culture. When someone asks me if I have children, as a way of undermining what I'm saying, I reply "No, but I cared for my very sick and disabled husband for 10 years. Do you have any experience in that?" It takes the wind out their sails. I love the colours violet, lilac and purple. In colour therapy it's related to grief and meltanoia which is renewal down to the cellular level and therefore I'd say a natural choice for elder women. It also holds the vibration of mystery and mystique for me, the spiritual aspects of our existence.
Thank YOU Sue for your very tender and thoughtful comment. I don't have siblings, but the one-down position you describe as a woman without children in your family is something that many childless-not-by-choice women have shared with me over the last 15 years. Pronatalism teaches us that the only 'really' mature way to be a proper grown-up as a woman is to be a mother - so if we don't experience that, by choice or chance, we're never taken as seriously; there's something unformed and unfinished about us... It's an unconsciously conditioned belief that plays out in toxic ways across all human societies and you only have to apply the slightest touch of logic to it (as per your comment about caring for your husband) and POOF! it falls apart. (And sending love for that time in both your lives, and the loss you now live with).
Thank you for the information about the vibrational energy of the colour purple - I use it as colour-coding for my 'Gateway Elderwomen' project, so on some level, it DOES feel to me like it resonates with elderhood; it just doesn't suit me to wear it... yet (Always open to changing my mind!)
I forgot to say that I very much agree with what you're saying about women being used in service of the male line. Men feel no shame in suggesting to a woman that she's good enough as an incubator, but she needs to accept the notion that a child of her own sex is second best. It's totally outrageous! If you suggested the same to a man he'd call you a man hater! We still have a long way to go. I think families should be matrilineal, as it's the woman who goes through the pregnancy, has to give birth and ends up with 90+% of childcare. Women and children are not a man's property. He can stick his name after hers, but that's as far as it should go as far as I'm concerned.
Oh Jody, thank you. So much to think about here as I’m almost the age when you first wrote this. I have definitely welcomed the fact that the intrusive questions and attention began to fall off after 45 - but wrestling with the whole “never chosen” bit in the post-hysto menopause childlessness comes with its own difficulties!
The summer I was 16 we went to Spain to spend some time with my father’s family, and one of my uncles (by marriage) told me, very comfortably and in front of several relatives, that I had a really nice body and should show it off much more. Up until then, the message at home was “cover up” which I did with grungy goth t-shirts. Eventually, once I was older and independent, I figured out what worked for my shorter and curvy body type, but - I do think the Mediterranean outlook on body image (and life!) is very different from the Anglo-Saxon one.
Despite that comment, I was never “popular” with men in the traditional sense, and haven’t been married or in many relationships - the last one was 17 years ago and was pretty terrifying at the end. It’s taken some work (when is there not something to work on?!) but, I appreciate the independent streak I’ve had since I was young - it’s made me much more comfortable with my own company, in my own skin, and have few qualms about doing things alone anymore - which I hope will serve me well in getting older. Hamilton ending its run at the Kennedy Center and finally quasi-affordable? I took myself on a nice date and enjoyed a lovely outdoor pre-theater dinner one autumn evening a few years back.
I so wish more people had listened to you at the start of your journey and that you hadn’t had to shout into the wind as much, but am ever grateful you wrote the book!
Thank you Marta for appreciating and commenting... and yes, I think there's always something to 'work' on but I'm wondering if perhaps we could see it less as 'work' and more as a natural process of evolution, of ever deeper coming into relationship with ourselves and how we show up in the world? So much of 'self improvement' or 'self development' (now hate both of those phrases!) seems to position our inner lives as some kind of capitalist 'project' - something that is never 'enough' exactly the way it is. I 'bought' (see what I did there?!) into it big time in my divorced, single and childless early forties and these days, I've swapped curiosity for judgement and self-acceptance and self-compassion for 'self development' and I seem to be continuing to grow deeper into myself... I am not a project that needs work; I am a unique and perfectly imperfect human soul, always changing, as every single human and more-than-human creature does!
Thank you for your compassion for how lonely it was for me at the start of my own childless journey 20 years ago now, and I'm so glad that there are now so many resources out there, many of which have been inspired by that book!
Hugs to all the ages of you. Jody x
Thank you, Jody - I think you’re right, we are imperfect human beings always evolving but seeing ourselves as “projects” often gets drilled in as much as the other conditioning. Reminds me a bit of the Pierre Teillhard de Chardin quote “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Unfortunately we now make “work” out of, and sometimes even quantify - rest and leisure, which is horrible! But yes, I see what you did there ;-) I bought into a lot of “self help” in my 30’s also. Hugs to all the ages of you, too - I love that phrase! XO
Great article, Jody.
I can feel myself becoming invisible. It’s a diminishment and a superpower at the same time.
My favourite old woman character in fiction has always been Miss Marple - always the smartest woman in the room, but invisible to others because of her low social status as an spinster old lady of modest means... and the way she would use that to her advantage. I may need to seriously get my tweed outfits sorted... x
😂 The tweed terminator!
Jody Thankyou so much for sharing, I was only just listening to a You Tube video last night of Carolyn Miss where she is talking about the Archetype of the Wounded Child and how this archetype came about when television was invented in the 60’s because people all of a sudden had an outside source to compare their lives against the ideal scenarios TV was showing at the time which gave rise to an awareness of being less than ideal. Carolyn referred to her own experience of seeing a show and how the mother in the show was in bed with a set of pearls on, full makeup and hair done and she was confused because her own mother didn’t look like that when she went to bed. And it made me realise that TV production has been created by mostly men, who have given themselves permission to be as they are while ensuring women are always portrayed as “perfect”. And so now it makes me wonder, with social media essentially being driven arguably by quite a lot of women instead of only “male producers” if men will be more predisposed to an unrealistic exhausting standard that is yet to come. I’ve started to see a lot of older women flaunting themselves on social media in terms of shining their radiance and how fit their body is, how great their skin is etc, but to be honest something about it doesn’t sit right with me. I’m happy for them but there’s a part of me that feels it’s a bit exhausting and that they shouldn’t have to do that to be a shining pedastal of a happy ageing woman. And the whole concept of just how much money and time is going into maintaining that image even if she has let her hair gone grey. To be honest I’m 40 and I’ll try and hold onto my youthful look for as long as I can but I also think I’m just far to arrogant to be showing myself off physically as I start to age and if people don’t like how I look then I’m not about to start parading about trying to reverse it. I’m quite looking forward actually to that retirement in a way.
It's a fascinating point you make, about the insidious power of comparison... and indeed, how many more opportunities there are for it now in our 24/7 social media, algorithm driven culture. The shiny instagram older hotties would never have impinged on my mother or grandmother's identities, although they would have seen their own 'version' of them in celebrity magazines, films and TV. But they could have switched those off and walked away, which feels like a luxury we don't have... or do we? I have certainly thoroughly 'curated' my use of all media (including social media) over the last decade+ and apart from the recent enshittification of Instagram, which now pumps out anti-ageing bollocks at me (thus I spend less and less time on it, only using it for work, and may cease using it altogether), my mental real estate is in reasonably good shape. As one of the commenters (JR Roessl) below, who was one of the first 'silver models' has pointed out; looking like that at mid-life and older is 99% genetics (ie LUCK) and has nothing to do with diets, exercise etc! We're being sold a lie, as ever. Learning to love my ageing body feels like a radical act of defiance against the overculture that wants to imagine that ageing is something that only happens to those who 'don't make an effort'... and ultimately, that death can be avoided. Nope. Coming for all of us!
Thanks Ahmet - glad it's given you some food for thought! x
I so identify with this. I live in a funny in-between place. Some days the fact that nobody is looking at me anymore feels like a restful cloak of anonymity. But there are other days when it stings. But it is absolutely true that we are invisible over the age of 50. Men's worth is measured by so many more variable than women's. I can be maddening. Thank you for putting all of this into words so bravely.
Women are valued for their youth (which potentially equals fertilty); men are valued for their achievements and experience, which accrue with age. Under patriarchy, women either fight to 'remain' visible by increasingly onerous 'beauty' regimes, or find another way to fight the system. Patriarchy is not gravity, it won't always exist as it's eating the very world that feeds it. It won't go quietly and I hope that helping older women realise and fight for their value will help to create what comes next...
It’s not so. Maybe we allow ourselves to be invisible because society has told us so. I assure you I am not invisible.
Choosing what messages from society we 'believe' is crucial to our empowerment. I'm happy for you that you have not chosen to believe you are invisible, and I take heart from that, thank you x
I think perhaps we don't disagree. What I'm referring to here is the explicit and implicit message that older women get from society that they are invisible, and the way we are perceived - or not perceived - by others. This is real and should be addressed and called out. It doesn't mean we always feel invisible, or that those who know us fail to see and appreciate us after the age of 50. In the sense I believe you intend, I am also not invisible. But the reality of older women's lives very much bears out the point of this piece which is, in part, that men are allowed to age and maintain their status, careers and viability. Women very often are not. The Helen Mirrens and J. Los are the exceptions that prove the rule. I want all women to feel vital into their later years, but we won't get there if we deny the reality of how society sees and treats us. I'm cheering for your wonderful attitude and positive experience.