Hi Jody, thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and experiences here. I don’t mean to sidestep the content, but I’m so curious about what brought you to Lecce 💛 I lived there for a short time about 17yrs ago; I absolutely loved it and found it to be such a hidden gem of a town. Thanks again 👋🏽
My mother is in her 70s and called to tell me the other day "guess what? I've finally turned into a nice person". What she meant is that strangers were finally treating her nicely, now that she officially appears to be an old lady. She's been getting called "sweetie" by servers at restaurants and cashiers. Which is funny because she certainly isn't sweet, but it took her until three quarters of a century old before others started treating her as nice and harmless and someone to treat well. So perhaps you have something to look forward to. :)
FWIW, I was considered by others to be so good looking from ages 17 to 40 that it inspired almost universal hostility. As the type of person that everyone stared at everywhere, it made most people really assume I was a huge bitch who thought I was better than everyone, unless I put in enormous efforts being over the top nice to win them over. It was only in my 40s that people started becoming much, much friendlier and treating me like a normal person, so that has been a huge relief.
Also I never got to the part of your essay that I was expecting, about how men age just as poorly and it's a myth that they don't. It's just that women don't feel the need to constantly make their disgust and horror at male decrepitude known, the way many men feel entitled to do regarding women. We don't generally think it's our job to make sure the world knows who we think is unattractive. Though for my part I've always felt what's good for the goose is great for the gander, so I dish out whatever I get and don't bother trying to take the high road (mostly bc it's hopeless expecting to be met up on it).
I’m 47, soon to be 48, and what I love in this piece is the hope that at some point I might regain the mental acuity and emotional stability that right now are much missed! Since I never attracted the kind of attention you describe I’m not missing it in my late forties but I am missing my beautiful brain and you have given me hope that on the other side of the menopause my mind is waiting for me! Thank you x
Interesting statistics……also looks like a number of men might not read…..
Don’t mean to offend (if you are religious ) but I blame a lot of women’s issues on religion and the men who ……manufactured it. Even as a child I saw religion as stifling and mean……
I’m hoping Biden gets reelected and then turns things over to Kamala Harris….I’m not implying women are better than men…..but I think they mostly have better intentions!!!
No need to reply…..you’re busy and I very much appreciate what you stand for!
I felt so strange reading this that I am honestly unsure how it makes me feel. Sorry for you, on one hand. Exasperated with the sheer extent of our society's pervasive lying, on the other. Of course men lose sexual interest in women once their fertility has passed. How could it possibly be otherwise? The idea that this might come as a surprise to anyone feels like reading about an alien species from another planet.
>The only socially acceptable roles for older women without children are aunt or godmother, but once again, they involve a connection to the nuclear family unit. Without that, things very quickly slide off into caricature and cruelty— the crazy cat lady, the witch, the dried-up hag, the harridan, the career woman, the sexless spinster.<
Unfortunately, these tropes represent very real biological realities. Childbearing and childcare are indeed the primary value that nearly all women bring to the table. Evolution optimizes for propagation of the species; this is the very most bedrock tenet of natural selection and, I thought, one of the most widely known scientific principles in existence. The female human body is thus built top to bottom for the express purpose of growing and caring for new human beings. It follows from this that, if a woman remains childless, she has failed to perform the one function which above all nature has intended her for. Again, it would thus be very bizarre if this situation was considered as anything other than a negative outcome.
This is the basic instinct behind the tropes you describe and attitudes that encourage women to reproduce, that promote the nuclear family, etc. No one can escape from biology. I don't think this means that people should be needlessly cruel to childless women, of course. I don't think anyone should be needlessly cruel to anyone. But it seems to me that there is a dire lack of awareness and understanding surrounding this topic.
I do think your pursuit of helping other childless women is noble, given that we are certain to have many of them around for the foreseeable future, and I wish you the best in it.
We are social creatures as well as biological creatures, full of ambiguities. Even if we 'understand' the biological side to this, it can still hurt when the reality of it hits. And that's because there is more going on this exchange that just biology - it's about power. Under patriarchy, the only 'power' women are allowed to possess is youth/beauty/fertility - whilst men are allowed to be more than their reproductive function. It is this too that makes the waning of youth hard - we lose so much more than the male gaze... but it encourages us to go deeper into our psyches and find what else we can be/do/contribute in the final third of our lives.
If the female of the species were pointless in her post-reproductive life, evolution would have it that menopause would kill us... but it does not. It seems we have a bio-social-cultural role to play as post-reproductive women... but first we have to pass through the social/cultural initiation I am articulating.
Well, I don't agree with your characterization of "patriarchy." Returning again to evolution, biology indeed dictates that men must bring value in other ways beyond reproduction, as they are supremely expendable in this task by comparison to women. But overall I find your perspective sympathetic so I don't have much motivation to go on any further about that. I am glad that you've found something so worthwhile to dedicate yourself to.
I'm 48, I've never thought of myself as particularly attractive, although I did have that beauty of youth, and I don't think most men are that fussy when they notice a young woman. I did get noticed - you know, that look when you're being appraised and the chap in question likes what he sees. It gave me a boost. It doesn't happen these days and I'll be honest, I miss it. My feminism kicks in straight after. Why does it matter? I ask myself. I don't need male approval to validate me. I'm enough just as I am. All of which is true, but in those few moments before such rational thoughts come, I feel a loss, a disappointment. It can be hard.
Isn't it interesting how our conscious 'feminist' mind gives us a slap for us responding to biological cues buried deep in our unconscious! I wonder if we can make space for the ambiguity of that, rather than judging ourself for it... We are only human animals after all...
I loved this piece. I am 51, in the last throes of perimenopause and have let my silver hair begin to blend in and dominate. We grieve similar and very individual things as women in middle age. You put your specific grief so authentically and how you are choosing to transition into a different perspective on your life. I hope to read more.
I am a long term single mom, my oldest is neurodivergent, and I was always considered a bit different growing up. I was called a witch in my youthful, fertile days because of that otherness and learned to embrace it. As I get older, I jokingly call myself “swamp witch” but embrace what she does- grow things, make things, love, respect and vibe with the natural world, open my mind to new ways of learning and understanding the universe. Pheromones had their own kind of magic- even for someone like me who had windows of time where I was more attractive to the opposite sex despite not being conventionally pretty. I too remember when I ended a bad, disastrous relationship in 2019, a switch went off in my mind and I said,” Let’s be alone for once- figure out where we went all wrong. Who are you?” I have not been with anyone since. It’s been clarifying, lonely sometimes, but often a relief and I have had time to sort through the source of a long term mental illness, trauma, and to explore other options for my life. I’m not successful by society standards, but in some ways I feel freer. I’m not fretting over a relationship, I am focused on my health versus my attractiveness, and my writing ( mostly poetry) has become much more expansive.
I sometimes get sad at my belly, my new little wrinkles, getting ignored or condescended to by younger folks or aches and pains. But I love my witchy self, the girl who was always there buried under patriarchal standards, strict religious upbringing and trauma. I love her in this older, changing body and still feel the excitement of possibility in a new phase of life.
Thanks for commenting Jen. I too found a great deal of peace in my midlife singleness from 45-52 and came home to myself in a way I don't think I'd done since pre-puberty. Mine came after a disastrous narcissistic relationship which took me as close to the edge as I ever want to go! After that, choosing singleness felt like a smart survival strategy! Yes, the loneliness was brutal at times and gradually I found a way through with lots of self-compassion (check out Kristin Neff's work if you haven't already) and, like you, really dedicating myself to taking my writing seriously. I trained as a psychotherapist and published my first book. (I say 'first' because I'm working on two more, and even though I'm behind schedule, I'll get there!) The witchy self in me sees the witchy self in you and shares that budding excitement about what kind of old women we want to be, and luck and health, get to be. Hugs, Jody x
Dear Jody ( I know, it’s hopelessly old fashioned to even use a salutation these days: in my defence, I’m 67): you’ve said most of what I feel / have felt about this decade I’m working through. How fortunate am I to have come from “good stock” - the ones that age well,despite themselves. I didn’t feel pretty for many decades - what a waste that was, but it’s a feature of the never enough mentality that goes with alcoholism. When I look at photos from my youth, I cannot fathom why I thought I was not enough. Now, I occupy my face and body completely and yet, still yearn for lost visibility. The antidote is, of course, acceptance and that is the most beautiful condition of all..
Dear Carol - you are most welcome to use a salutation - I use them all the time in my emails, and maybe they are a bit old fashioned, but also rather elegant! My mother, who died last year (I wrote about our relationship in a few essays, including 'It's Easier to Love my Mother Now She's Dead'), was also an alcoholic, and so hard on her own looks (which came out as obsessive personal vanity and withering criticism of everyone else's appearance, including mine!) It makes me so sad to think how much of her headspace was taken up by this, and I do wish she'd managed to find the peace that you have. Acceptance is positively blissful; I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it, with the help of those who have gone ahead, like you. Thank you x
Hi, I’m a 73 year old man in a 6 year young relationship with an 82 year old woman. I met her on line and it is her smile that is filled with life…..it shines through her aging body…..it took my breath away……still does……you show that life in your smile too…..
I cry sometimes, thinking about the plight of women in our current culture…..my mother,my sister, my granddaughter and on…..they are and were strong (my heroes!)…….i don’t know if (most) men are capable of reaching an understanding of what it’s like to be an aging female …….
Thanks Michael and it's lovely to hear about your relationship. A smile can say so much, that's for sure. Mine isn't as frequent as it was when I was younger, I've become a little too serious sometimes thinking about the mess the world is in, and the inheritance that future generations have to shoulder.
It's curious what you say in wondering if (most) men are able to understand what it's like to age as a woman... considering that very few men read novels by women, there does appear to be a deep lack of curiosity about the inner life of women... which perhaps further explains the tendency to only see us as objects?
Here's some recent UK data on book reading habits of men and women, comparing the top ten bestselling authors:
For female novelists: 19% of readers are male, 81% female
For male novelists: 55% of readers are men, 45% women
Interesting statistics……also looks like a number of men might not read…..
Don’t mean to offend (if you are religious ) but I blame a lot of women’s issues on religion and the men who ……manufactured it. Even as a child I saw religion as stifling and mean……
I’m hoping Biden gets reelected and then turns things over to Kamala Harris….I’m not implying women are better than men…..but I think they mostly have better intentions!!!
No need to reply…..you’re busy and I very much appreciate what you stand for!
Wow great piece of writing with so much insight to things people do not talk about but would feel so less alone if they knew was not “just them”. Thank you for re- publishing this.
I had no idea that a piece from the archives would hit home like this for so many of us! It seems that much of this is more universal than I realised. And I too have felt so much less alone and weird having been supported, stretched and educated in the hundreds of comments on this piece. (Although my fingers and carpal tunnel are exhausted - what a ride the past few days have been on this piece!) x
I’m 72 now and I remember at 30 how much more invisible I had very suddenly become (to men, course).
I think woman to woman recognition and acknowledgment has in creased both as I have continued to age and times have continued to evolve.. at least in some ways
I'm intrigued by what you mean about 'woman to woman recognition and acknowledgement has increased' (somewhat). If it's okay, could you perhaps share some examples of that in your own life? I'm keen to learn from my elders! Jody x
I love your post. I have been thinking about writing about the “motherline” as a counter to what’s on offer in our society. My grandmother on my mother’s side was a “badass”. She was one courageous lady who went “overland” across Africa in her sixties. She said if she didn’t do it then she’d never be allowed. I also like the poem about being audacious in older age. My Mum read it when I got married the second time!!
Audaciousness and badassery as we age are absolutely possible, if that's your cup of tea. Personally, I'm brave of heart and brave of words, but a bit of a wuss when it comes to physical adventures!
A great piece that sums up many invisible challenges facing women as they age. Thank for organizing many of my own observations into a coherent conversation. 🥰👆💕🎉
Thank you for commenting and I'm so glad it helped you to make sense of some of your own observations. Frankly, it's astonished me how much of my personal experience around ageing in a female body seems to be so relatable...and has made me feel emboldened to go deeper down this rabbit hole with future essays! x
Very glad that I found your Substack, especially this particular post. I’m sure I’ll have more to say, whether or not I get around to adding to my comment here, but tonight I have to share this one thing. I’m so pleased to come across a validating account of that peculiar male behavior that disappears us whenever a childbearing-aged woman is about. Mine occurred in a grocery store, where a young man was helping me find a something. I was in the midst of describing it to him when a young woman approached him. It was as though I suddenly had ceased to exist, as he was completely absorbed, instantaneously, into doing whatever she bade him do, most of that layer of their encounter being completely nonverbal, though they were speaking, of course, as though I simply, literally, wasn’t there. It was a stunning experience, since I felt all this in my body, or being, rather than something I noticed intellectually. It seemed it was a whole other universe I hadn’t been aware of until that moment, while simultaneously, realizing that that had been going on all along, kind of outside of my awareness. Blew my mind, since I’m pretty self-aware on many other levels, including being aware intellectually of the reality of it, and even watching it happen around me without the felt sense of it until then. I’m embarrassed to say I was not quite so generous as you, taking it out on him a bit, not her at all. Anyway, your account is the first I’ve heard anyone mention it and I’m so grateful to have come across it. I never expected to be able to find anyone else discuss it if they had noticed. Thanks.
Thank you Bethann - I've had two women comment to say the same - and it's so helpful to have this particular unconscious piece of human behaviour validated. It is quite bizarre when it happens, isn't it? It's like they slide into a different dimension, and we watch the tableau unfold, as if through a window... until they return! Such an odd experience, and I hadn't heard of anyone else noticing it either, so thank YOU x
Hi Jody, thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts and experiences here. I don’t mean to sidestep the content, but I’m so curious about what brought you to Lecce 💛 I lived there for a short time about 17yrs ago; I absolutely loved it and found it to be such a hidden gem of a town. Thanks again 👋🏽
My mother is in her 70s and called to tell me the other day "guess what? I've finally turned into a nice person". What she meant is that strangers were finally treating her nicely, now that she officially appears to be an old lady. She's been getting called "sweetie" by servers at restaurants and cashiers. Which is funny because she certainly isn't sweet, but it took her until three quarters of a century old before others started treating her as nice and harmless and someone to treat well. So perhaps you have something to look forward to. :)
FWIW, I was considered by others to be so good looking from ages 17 to 40 that it inspired almost universal hostility. As the type of person that everyone stared at everywhere, it made most people really assume I was a huge bitch who thought I was better than everyone, unless I put in enormous efforts being over the top nice to win them over. It was only in my 40s that people started becoming much, much friendlier and treating me like a normal person, so that has been a huge relief.
Also I never got to the part of your essay that I was expecting, about how men age just as poorly and it's a myth that they don't. It's just that women don't feel the need to constantly make their disgust and horror at male decrepitude known, the way many men feel entitled to do regarding women. We don't generally think it's our job to make sure the world knows who we think is unattractive. Though for my part I've always felt what's good for the goose is great for the gander, so I dish out whatever I get and don't bother trying to take the high road (mostly bc it's hopeless expecting to be met up on it).
I’m 47, soon to be 48, and what I love in this piece is the hope that at some point I might regain the mental acuity and emotional stability that right now are much missed! Since I never attracted the kind of attention you describe I’m not missing it in my late forties but I am missing my beautiful brain and you have given me hope that on the other side of the menopause my mind is waiting for me! Thank you x
Interesting statistics……also looks like a number of men might not read…..
Don’t mean to offend (if you are religious ) but I blame a lot of women’s issues on religion and the men who ……manufactured it. Even as a child I saw religion as stifling and mean……
I’m hoping Biden gets reelected and then turns things over to Kamala Harris….I’m not implying women are better than men…..but I think they mostly have better intentions!!!
No need to reply…..you’re busy and I very much appreciate what you stand for!
Best regards!
Michael
I felt so strange reading this that I am honestly unsure how it makes me feel. Sorry for you, on one hand. Exasperated with the sheer extent of our society's pervasive lying, on the other. Of course men lose sexual interest in women once their fertility has passed. How could it possibly be otherwise? The idea that this might come as a surprise to anyone feels like reading about an alien species from another planet.
>The only socially acceptable roles for older women without children are aunt or godmother, but once again, they involve a connection to the nuclear family unit. Without that, things very quickly slide off into caricature and cruelty— the crazy cat lady, the witch, the dried-up hag, the harridan, the career woman, the sexless spinster.<
Unfortunately, these tropes represent very real biological realities. Childbearing and childcare are indeed the primary value that nearly all women bring to the table. Evolution optimizes for propagation of the species; this is the very most bedrock tenet of natural selection and, I thought, one of the most widely known scientific principles in existence. The female human body is thus built top to bottom for the express purpose of growing and caring for new human beings. It follows from this that, if a woman remains childless, she has failed to perform the one function which above all nature has intended her for. Again, it would thus be very bizarre if this situation was considered as anything other than a negative outcome.
This is the basic instinct behind the tropes you describe and attitudes that encourage women to reproduce, that promote the nuclear family, etc. No one can escape from biology. I don't think this means that people should be needlessly cruel to childless women, of course. I don't think anyone should be needlessly cruel to anyone. But it seems to me that there is a dire lack of awareness and understanding surrounding this topic.
I do think your pursuit of helping other childless women is noble, given that we are certain to have many of them around for the foreseeable future, and I wish you the best in it.
We are social creatures as well as biological creatures, full of ambiguities. Even if we 'understand' the biological side to this, it can still hurt when the reality of it hits. And that's because there is more going on this exchange that just biology - it's about power. Under patriarchy, the only 'power' women are allowed to possess is youth/beauty/fertility - whilst men are allowed to be more than their reproductive function. It is this too that makes the waning of youth hard - we lose so much more than the male gaze... but it encourages us to go deeper into our psyches and find what else we can be/do/contribute in the final third of our lives.
If the female of the species were pointless in her post-reproductive life, evolution would have it that menopause would kill us... but it does not. It seems we have a bio-social-cultural role to play as post-reproductive women... but first we have to pass through the social/cultural initiation I am articulating.
Well, I don't agree with your characterization of "patriarchy." Returning again to evolution, biology indeed dictates that men must bring value in other ways beyond reproduction, as they are supremely expendable in this task by comparison to women. But overall I find your perspective sympathetic so I don't have much motivation to go on any further about that. I am glad that you've found something so worthwhile to dedicate yourself to.
I'm 48, I've never thought of myself as particularly attractive, although I did have that beauty of youth, and I don't think most men are that fussy when they notice a young woman. I did get noticed - you know, that look when you're being appraised and the chap in question likes what he sees. It gave me a boost. It doesn't happen these days and I'll be honest, I miss it. My feminism kicks in straight after. Why does it matter? I ask myself. I don't need male approval to validate me. I'm enough just as I am. All of which is true, but in those few moments before such rational thoughts come, I feel a loss, a disappointment. It can be hard.
Isn't it interesting how our conscious 'feminist' mind gives us a slap for us responding to biological cues buried deep in our unconscious! I wonder if we can make space for the ambiguity of that, rather than judging ourself for it... We are only human animals after all...
I loved this piece. I am 51, in the last throes of perimenopause and have let my silver hair begin to blend in and dominate. We grieve similar and very individual things as women in middle age. You put your specific grief so authentically and how you are choosing to transition into a different perspective on your life. I hope to read more.
I am a long term single mom, my oldest is neurodivergent, and I was always considered a bit different growing up. I was called a witch in my youthful, fertile days because of that otherness and learned to embrace it. As I get older, I jokingly call myself “swamp witch” but embrace what she does- grow things, make things, love, respect and vibe with the natural world, open my mind to new ways of learning and understanding the universe. Pheromones had their own kind of magic- even for someone like me who had windows of time where I was more attractive to the opposite sex despite not being conventionally pretty. I too remember when I ended a bad, disastrous relationship in 2019, a switch went off in my mind and I said,” Let’s be alone for once- figure out where we went all wrong. Who are you?” I have not been with anyone since. It’s been clarifying, lonely sometimes, but often a relief and I have had time to sort through the source of a long term mental illness, trauma, and to explore other options for my life. I’m not successful by society standards, but in some ways I feel freer. I’m not fretting over a relationship, I am focused on my health versus my attractiveness, and my writing ( mostly poetry) has become much more expansive.
I sometimes get sad at my belly, my new little wrinkles, getting ignored or condescended to by younger folks or aches and pains. But I love my witchy self, the girl who was always there buried under patriarchal standards, strict religious upbringing and trauma. I love her in this older, changing body and still feel the excitement of possibility in a new phase of life.
Thank you for this- I needed to read this today.
Thanks for commenting Jen. I too found a great deal of peace in my midlife singleness from 45-52 and came home to myself in a way I don't think I'd done since pre-puberty. Mine came after a disastrous narcissistic relationship which took me as close to the edge as I ever want to go! After that, choosing singleness felt like a smart survival strategy! Yes, the loneliness was brutal at times and gradually I found a way through with lots of self-compassion (check out Kristin Neff's work if you haven't already) and, like you, really dedicating myself to taking my writing seriously. I trained as a psychotherapist and published my first book. (I say 'first' because I'm working on two more, and even though I'm behind schedule, I'll get there!) The witchy self in me sees the witchy self in you and shares that budding excitement about what kind of old women we want to be, and luck and health, get to be. Hugs, Jody x
Dear Jody ( I know, it’s hopelessly old fashioned to even use a salutation these days: in my defence, I’m 67): you’ve said most of what I feel / have felt about this decade I’m working through. How fortunate am I to have come from “good stock” - the ones that age well,despite themselves. I didn’t feel pretty for many decades - what a waste that was, but it’s a feature of the never enough mentality that goes with alcoholism. When I look at photos from my youth, I cannot fathom why I thought I was not enough. Now, I occupy my face and body completely and yet, still yearn for lost visibility. The antidote is, of course, acceptance and that is the most beautiful condition of all..
Dear Carol - you are most welcome to use a salutation - I use them all the time in my emails, and maybe they are a bit old fashioned, but also rather elegant! My mother, who died last year (I wrote about our relationship in a few essays, including 'It's Easier to Love my Mother Now She's Dead'), was also an alcoholic, and so hard on her own looks (which came out as obsessive personal vanity and withering criticism of everyone else's appearance, including mine!) It makes me so sad to think how much of her headspace was taken up by this, and I do wish she'd managed to find the peace that you have. Acceptance is positively blissful; I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it, with the help of those who have gone ahead, like you. Thank you x
Hi, I’m a 73 year old man in a 6 year young relationship with an 82 year old woman. I met her on line and it is her smile that is filled with life…..it shines through her aging body…..it took my breath away……still does……you show that life in your smile too…..
I cry sometimes, thinking about the plight of women in our current culture…..my mother,my sister, my granddaughter and on…..they are and were strong (my heroes!)…….i don’t know if (most) men are capable of reaching an understanding of what it’s like to be an aging female …….
Thank you for the article!!!
Thanks Michael and it's lovely to hear about your relationship. A smile can say so much, that's for sure. Mine isn't as frequent as it was when I was younger, I've become a little too serious sometimes thinking about the mess the world is in, and the inheritance that future generations have to shoulder.
It's curious what you say in wondering if (most) men are able to understand what it's like to age as a woman... considering that very few men read novels by women, there does appear to be a deep lack of curiosity about the inner life of women... which perhaps further explains the tendency to only see us as objects?
Here's some recent UK data on book reading habits of men and women, comparing the top ten bestselling authors:
For female novelists: 19% of readers are male, 81% female
For male novelists: 55% of readers are men, 45% women
https://hannahfielding.net/men-books-women
Interesting statistics……also looks like a number of men might not read…..
Don’t mean to offend (if you are religious ) but I blame a lot of women’s issues on religion and the men who ……manufactured it. Even as a child I saw religion as stifling and mean……
I’m hoping Biden gets reelected and then turns things over to Kamala Harris….I’m not implying women are better than men…..but I think they mostly have better intentions!!!
No need to reply…..you’re busy and I very much appreciate what you stand for!
Best regards!
Michael
Wow great piece of writing with so much insight to things people do not talk about but would feel so less alone if they knew was not “just them”. Thank you for re- publishing this.
I had no idea that a piece from the archives would hit home like this for so many of us! It seems that much of this is more universal than I realised. And I too have felt so much less alone and weird having been supported, stretched and educated in the hundreds of comments on this piece. (Although my fingers and carpal tunnel are exhausted - what a ride the past few days have been on this piece!) x
I’m 72 now and I remember at 30 how much more invisible I had very suddenly become (to men, course).
I think woman to woman recognition and acknowledgment has in creased both as I have continued to age and times have continued to evolve.. at least in some ways
I'm intrigued by what you mean about 'woman to woman recognition and acknowledgement has increased' (somewhat). If it's okay, could you perhaps share some examples of that in your own life? I'm keen to learn from my elders! Jody x
Brilliant. Just knowing we're not alone can save our lives.
Thank you Regina - it's such a bloody relief!
I love your post. I have been thinking about writing about the “motherline” as a counter to what’s on offer in our society. My grandmother on my mother’s side was a “badass”. She was one courageous lady who went “overland” across Africa in her sixties. She said if she didn’t do it then she’d never be allowed. I also like the poem about being audacious in older age. My Mum read it when I got married the second time!!
Audaciousness and badassery as we age are absolutely possible, if that's your cup of tea. Personally, I'm brave of heart and brave of words, but a bit of a wuss when it comes to physical adventures!
A great piece that sums up many invisible challenges facing women as they age. Thank for organizing many of my own observations into a coherent conversation. 🥰👆💕🎉
Thank you for commenting and I'm so glad it helped you to make sense of some of your own observations. Frankly, it's astonished me how much of my personal experience around ageing in a female body seems to be so relatable...and has made me feel emboldened to go deeper down this rabbit hole with future essays! x
Very glad I found your article! It made me think. Thank you for writing it
You are very welcome. And thank you for your work too - I checked it out and it made me think too!
Very glad that I found your Substack, especially this particular post. I’m sure I’ll have more to say, whether or not I get around to adding to my comment here, but tonight I have to share this one thing. I’m so pleased to come across a validating account of that peculiar male behavior that disappears us whenever a childbearing-aged woman is about. Mine occurred in a grocery store, where a young man was helping me find a something. I was in the midst of describing it to him when a young woman approached him. It was as though I suddenly had ceased to exist, as he was completely absorbed, instantaneously, into doing whatever she bade him do, most of that layer of their encounter being completely nonverbal, though they were speaking, of course, as though I simply, literally, wasn’t there. It was a stunning experience, since I felt all this in my body, or being, rather than something I noticed intellectually. It seemed it was a whole other universe I hadn’t been aware of until that moment, while simultaneously, realizing that that had been going on all along, kind of outside of my awareness. Blew my mind, since I’m pretty self-aware on many other levels, including being aware intellectually of the reality of it, and even watching it happen around me without the felt sense of it until then. I’m embarrassed to say I was not quite so generous as you, taking it out on him a bit, not her at all. Anyway, your account is the first I’ve heard anyone mention it and I’m so grateful to have come across it. I never expected to be able to find anyone else discuss it if they had noticed. Thanks.
Thank you Bethann - I've had two women comment to say the same - and it's so helpful to have this particular unconscious piece of human behaviour validated. It is quite bizarre when it happens, isn't it? It's like they slide into a different dimension, and we watch the tableau unfold, as if through a window... until they return! Such an odd experience, and I hadn't heard of anyone else noticing it either, so thank YOU x