This really resonates. I am 63, married for almost 36 years and never had children. I never wanted to—the reasons are complicated and I’m not sure I’ve yet fully uncovered them. Sometimes I regret it—mostly because I am scared about not having anyone who cares when I’m really old. But from practically the time I could walk I’ve been saving animals and have been involved with rescue all my life. It’s a unique heartbreak because you outlive those you love nearly every time. And as a therapist you know all about human cruelty, as do I.
Yet another example (if we needed more!) to counter the idea that women without children are 'selfish' - a life devoted to the care of animals who have suffered... and I guess mostly at the hands of humans... or due to human interference in their environment...
And yes, the fear of aging without children is a real and genuine one, and deserves deep thought and probably some life adjustment to orient ourselves towards a more supportive situation.
It's why I'm building an 'Alterkin' (an intergenerational, mutual-aid Alternative Kinship Network) for myself and those around me in my tiny rural location; you'll be hearing more about that as the year unfolds, as I'm hoping my experience (and that of the many I'm learning from) will be replicable by others. I think 'intentional communities' and 'communities of care' are starting to look a lot more interesting to a lot of people (not just non-parents) as governmental support networks become ever more fragile...
I wrote about this topic for Valentine’s day too. I am a little younger than you but at 41, single and without children - it is the first time in my life I don’t feel I might somehow be lacking to be this way. I think reframing ideas like love has been a big part of that. Ok I don’t have romantic love but I see love in many parts of my life and I feel like I am meeting my own needs and caring for myself in ways that previous partners did not. And that makes me feel loved.
At 41, I felt like my life was over as a woman because of a failed marriage, infertility and being a single, childless, middle-aged woman. Now in my 60s, I often wonder how very different my 'sad' forties could have been had I understood how much of my unhappiness was not down to what had 'happened' to me, but the toxic 'story' I told myself about myself because of it, guided by the invalidating (and untrue) hand of patriarchy and pronatalism...
A mid-life woman without a partner or children is an untameable force... hence society's need to 'tame' us by shaming us. It doesn't mean that a single/non-mother life is always fun, or that there aren't lonely moments -- but neither does it mean there's something wrong with us!
The day I stopped believing that my unlived life as a wife/mother would have inoculated me from ever feeling sad, lonely or unfulfilled was the day I stopped fantasizing about it being a get-out clause from the human condition! And that really helped me to LIVE the life I was actually living, rather than seeing it as a booby prize, or a waiting room...
Yes, there are lots of people, animals, etc. need love. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle of what to do with this maternal love. Like kindness, love has exponential potential! I am forever grateful for the Gateway group! 💖
Perhaps we need to talk more about this aspect of healing from childlessness? It certainly floored me for several years until I found my way... When I needed 'Gateway' there was nothing like it -- I created both what I needed, but also what I had needed in the years prior too. The pronatalist rhetoric is that you're either childfree by choice and absolutely love your life every day (not true) or that you're childless not by choice and your life is OVER and you will never feel good or purposeful again (also not true). The fact is, my life as a childless woman is just a different messy, imperfect human experience to the one I would have had as a mother - not better, not worse - just different. And equally of value.
As always, an essay that is so much more. I'm still processing "The Bus List" and have started to make arrangements in this regard. I love your truth telling, your generous heart and am always invigorated by your writing.
Thank you Susan. You know I like to swim in the depths! I'm so glad that the Bus List has helped you to move forward with a few plans - so important. I have to say that as a writer, to be told that my writing in 'invigorating' is a heck of a compliment, thank you! Looking forward to seeing your writing one day too. Love, Jody x
I can very much relate to this, I just wrote about my mom today! And yep, there are many ways to 'love', and to 'be a mom' even. I feel like good coaches, therapists etc are like healthy parents in a way. Unconditional positive regard, support, encouragement. Sadly this is missing in lots of people's childhoods.
Thanks Maggie - just read your piece about your growing-up environment and I commented, as I can relate! As around 50% of adults are estimated to have some form of insecure attachment, I think we can safely say that 'unconditional positive regard' is something many of us are strangers too. I strive to practice it in ALL my relationships, and although it blows up in my face occasionally, it's worth it! Love, Jody x
Yep, that's what I've seen in my personal and professional life. 50% is probably a pretty generous number too, I would say it's more! And yes, it's definitely worth it 😊
Up here in the Nordic countries or at least in Finland we are rather talking about Friend's Day ( sounds much better in Swedish and Finnis) which also means that we celebrate it differently. At my work place we had a Friend's Day breakfast in the form of a potluck. I ended my emails by wishing the recipient a happy friend's day etc etc. Simply appreciating your friends, colleauges, and showing love and kindness to them.
This does not mean there are those celebrating Valentine's Day but the focus is not on romantic exclusive love.
It would make a huge difference in other countries if the definition of love could be expanded from the very limited 'eros' category to include some of the other forms of love, such as Storge (familial love), Philia (brotherly/sisterly love), Philautia (self-love), and even Agape (unconditional love). And also, love of the natural world, of animals, of the more than human species that we share this precious planet with!
Adore this! Love fiercely, love kindly, love unconditionally. I can picture your clients sense of warmth at having her name on a home made cookie and seeing the lengths you went to, to show her your love. How people make us feel is how we remember them right? Good old Maya Angelou.
My warm, loving nature is one that I fought hard for, having lost access to her from the ages of 7 to 37 due to childhood trauma. And it took quite a few years of integration before I understood how to 'live' this softer, more vulnerable version of me. But I recognise her as the person I was as a young child, full of wonder, generosity, sensitivity, creativity, spirituality and joy. And when I remain in contact with that part of me, even though it makes me vulnerable to pain, it also allows me to be vulnerable to goofiness, cheekiness, a grounded optimism and all the expansive qualities that those who know me well appreciate! (I still keep some reserve with those I'm getting to know and trust, and in my 'public persona' but not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep that up!) I see a lot of similar qualities in you, and I hope that we can see each other again in real life again soon! x
ABSOLUTELY! Maybe a beach walk and coffee. It’s amazing when we tap into who we are inside as opposed to the allowing the calloused version of our souls to show up in the world. xx
Yes! Am thinking about this too at moment… it feels like there is nothing left to do but love. I’ve noticed it in my work too … I’m not supposed to “love” my clients… but as I sit with them in their struggles, in their small wins, in their glorious ability to be vulnerable…I often realise I do xxx …
I'm so glad this resonated with you in your work too. When I'm hosting a workshop, or working with a therapy client, the 'field' of love is very present for me. I think the very limited, heteronormative, colonialist, capitalist, pronatalist, singlist world view has selfishly siloed the many ways love exists in the world, and how it's one of the things that makes being human so remarkable.
Dear Jody, Thank you for writing this. Up until things got very tough in all areas of life a few weeks ago, I was working towards a loving and more compassionate relationship with my younger (20-something) self - as I realized I was really putting her through the wringer, being quite harsh for having been so naively hopeful and not doing things differently - and blaming her for much of my present situation. Cognitively I understand that we all did the best we could we the information we had a the time, but it’s still difficult to integrate it all. Off-topic, but the ‘Letters to our Younger Selves” NoMo Crone chat was both incredibly moving and useful with the needed self-compassion reboot - I’ve not written mine yet but as 50 comes closer…anyway - I do love elephants, though I’ve never seen them in the wild, and that’s a wonderful photo. Your tween client story is beautiful, and I’d not seen that particular James Baldwin video. And thank you for carrying the flag for the singles team - I just had to update the beneficiary on my retirement account (a Bus List item!) and the only options were “Spouse” and “Child” - listing my sibling was considered “Other!”
Dearest Marta - I'm so sorry that you have hit a rough patch and yes, 'integration' is a bitch! Healing is never a smooth path and those on that path rarely talk about it until they reach a plateau and look back on it. I have made a lot of foolish decisions in my life too, and they have cost me dearly. The dark night of the soul that childless grief took me through brought them all back, and I spent some time in profound shame and regret for many of them, until I gradually realised that I would NEVER be so harsh to anyone else, particularly someone who was suffering, and that as I had learned from my childhood, shame/criticism changes/heals NOTHING! With supportive long-term therapy to work on my attachment wounds (3 years minimum for this kind of work), somatic experiencing trauma therapy for the wounds that lay beyond words, grief work + self-compassion work, I emerged softer AND stronger. And grateful for every single 'wrong' turn I'd taken in my life because that was the path it took to get to the person I am today, and I love and appreciate and LIKE who I am today. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and I don't hold myself to those kinds of standards anymore. I'm just a perfectly imperfect human being, muddling along, doing my best to do no more harm, and as valuable and precious as anyone else, mother or not.
And as for that form suggesting 'Spouse' or 'Child' as the only options (other than 'Other') can I suggest you write to the communications department of that financial services company and share with them your experience, as well as some stats about how many people in America are unmarried and do not have children!
In case it's helpful, here is a short video I created for World Childless Week on working with Self Compassion, called 'The Self Compassionate Heart'
Thank you so much, Jody, for your kind words and for sharing more about your therapeutic experience - “integration is a bitch” is so accurate! And now worse as I’m potentially affected by some current events….I saw a Jungian trained therapist for quite a while in my late 30’s/early 40s as I was trying to come to terms with things, but post-hysto and late 40’s, it just didn’t feel as helpful. She was kind, but a parent & grandparent herself, and truthfully I also didn’t have much language to articulate what I was feeling until I read your book last year. For me the “othering” is something I’ve felt more as I’ve grown older, sans a partner and children. But therapy for attachment (Marisa Franco’s book is on my list) is something I will look into again as I sense there are things to unpack there.
As for the form - after I commented and then later couldn’t sleep, it occurred to me in an overnight moment that I should send them feedback, so next week I will!
Thank you for both giving me hope for my 50s, and appreciation of the freedom to focus on self compassion now.
Why do we sanitise love in therapy and refer to it as unconditional positive regard? Is it because of the fear of the misuse of power or the fear of acknowledging how big our hearts can grow in this work?
Jo - I have come to the same conclusion as you - that the 'abuse' of erotic transference in therapy, and the abuse of power generally by gurus (including therapists) is probably why 'love' is a taboo word in therapy...
In case it's helpful, here is a short video I created for World Childless Week on working with Self Compassion, called 'The Self Compassionate Heart'
So lovely to read your thoughts on this often over commercialised and romanticised day. Isn’t love the point of it all? It bemuses me that therapy refrains from using the love word when really as your young tween felt, love is absolutely a critical part of therapy. The worst therapist are the detached and indifferent. I should know, I’ve seen a few over the years. As a non-mum the biggest struggle I faced was where would all the love I wanted to share go? The out pouring of grief when I finally had community, with your help, to actually acknowledge my grief, was in fact an out pouring of love that had nowhere to go. I’ve slowly learnt to acknowledge the love I share is just a valuable as the love I would have poured into my children.
Thank you Mina. You've nailed it when you say that you've learnt to acknowledge that the love you share is just as valuable as the love you would have poured into your children. So much of our experience as childless women is invalidated, including our loving instincts -- I often wonder how powerful our love could be in the world if all childless women liberated their love, as you have done!
I am sad that you have experienced 'detached and indifferent' therapy - it stuns & saddens me that such a thing is possible, but I know it is, and I've met them too. As you know, it's not way way of working!
Thank you Jody, as you know my childlessness was something I started to grapple with decades ago. I do have a wonderful therapist now. I assume like all professions, psychotherapy has evolved and therapists have different levels of experience, competence and empathy. And yes, your way of working is anything but ‘detached and indifferent’. You are the embodiment of love and compassion!
Pouring love into the ones I love, and into the world, does require an understanding that there is a distinction between people pleasing and love. I used to ask “what would love do now” ? I haven’t always asked that question. When the pressures and complexities of life overwhelms me, love seems elusive. My ego wants to run the show and she can be harsh, to me and others. However I do like myself better and I feel I have better outcomes when love is running the show. That enquiry, “what would love do now” requires presence and courage.
The bliss of aging for me has been the courage to turn towards love. She has taught me, to make time for the humans I adore. To create boundaries. To lean into loving myself and being kind to me. (My inner bitch can be fierce!)
Here’s to all childless women liberating their love!
Lot of love to you Jody. Yours in admiration, Mina xx
You deserve all of it and more - the way you pour love into the world with your music, writing and love is worthy of all of it. Love you on the dark days and the bright ones too. Jody x
Jody, thank you so much. Your words about your counselling relationships have perfectly articulated something for me. I am a peer worker and I know that while I get a lot wrong, there is something at the heart of what I do that works so well. I have tried to define it in various ways, but your post has nailed it for me. It's love.
Something I learned from psychotherapy research papers about the 'effectiveness' of therapy is that what heals is the quality of the relationship - not the 'modality'. Someone wrote (I'm not sure who) that 'we are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship' and that the love you have for your peers 'works so well'. Love, Jody x
Love this Jody. I find that without children in my life, there is a lot of love to pour into other things. And a major focus of that is my client work. I think love is a key ingredient in the process of healing, and not much spoken about in the world of psychology. My most enduring memory from my own longest stint of personal therapy is not the words she said to me, but rather the gentle, loving, maternal gaze that met me, no matter what I brought to the session. It's powerful, it's reparative, and it's a form of re-parenting that so many of us need in our lives.
Oh Vicki, those 'kind eyes' are everything in therapy, aren't they!
I think for me what also made the difference was staying in therapy longer - it wasn't until I was in therapy for an almost continuous stint of 4 years whilst doing my psychotherapy training (and with a much older female childfree therapist) that I experienced the 'reparenting' you describe. Before that, I'd been in therapy for a year, got some 'symptom relief' and some psychoeducational knowledge, but I didn't learn how to trust in someone's belief in me until that did not waver over a long period of time (and even as I shared the parts of myself that I'd never allowed anyone to see). Love, Jody x
That's so true Jody, and definitely points to the value of longer-term therapy work. Interestingly that stint of therapy I refer to above was also 4 and a half years. It's sad that this is so inaccessible for so many people, though no doubt can come in other forms than just a therapist too if we are lucky enough to encounter the right people in our lives...
This really resonates. I am 63, married for almost 36 years and never had children. I never wanted to—the reasons are complicated and I’m not sure I’ve yet fully uncovered them. Sometimes I regret it—mostly because I am scared about not having anyone who cares when I’m really old. But from practically the time I could walk I’ve been saving animals and have been involved with rescue all my life. It’s a unique heartbreak because you outlive those you love nearly every time. And as a therapist you know all about human cruelty, as do I.
Yet another example (if we needed more!) to counter the idea that women without children are 'selfish' - a life devoted to the care of animals who have suffered... and I guess mostly at the hands of humans... or due to human interference in their environment...
And yes, the fear of aging without children is a real and genuine one, and deserves deep thought and probably some life adjustment to orient ourselves towards a more supportive situation.
It's why I'm building an 'Alterkin' (an intergenerational, mutual-aid Alternative Kinship Network) for myself and those around me in my tiny rural location; you'll be hearing more about that as the year unfolds, as I'm hoping my experience (and that of the many I'm learning from) will be replicable by others. I think 'intentional communities' and 'communities of care' are starting to look a lot more interesting to a lot of people (not just non-parents) as governmental support networks become ever more fragile...
This was just beautiful and breathtakingly powerful! Thank you for writing this, Jody. 💚
Oh lovely, coming from you that means a LOT! Thank you xxxx
I wrote about this topic for Valentine’s day too. I am a little younger than you but at 41, single and without children - it is the first time in my life I don’t feel I might somehow be lacking to be this way. I think reframing ideas like love has been a big part of that. Ok I don’t have romantic love but I see love in many parts of my life and I feel like I am meeting my own needs and caring for myself in ways that previous partners did not. And that makes me feel loved.
At 41, I felt like my life was over as a woman because of a failed marriage, infertility and being a single, childless, middle-aged woman. Now in my 60s, I often wonder how very different my 'sad' forties could have been had I understood how much of my unhappiness was not down to what had 'happened' to me, but the toxic 'story' I told myself about myself because of it, guided by the invalidating (and untrue) hand of patriarchy and pronatalism...
A mid-life woman without a partner or children is an untameable force... hence society's need to 'tame' us by shaming us. It doesn't mean that a single/non-mother life is always fun, or that there aren't lonely moments -- but neither does it mean there's something wrong with us!
The day I stopped believing that my unlived life as a wife/mother would have inoculated me from ever feeling sad, lonely or unfulfilled was the day I stopped fantasizing about it being a get-out clause from the human condition! And that really helped me to LIVE the life I was actually living, rather than seeing it as a booby prize, or a waiting room...
Yes, there are lots of people, animals, etc. need love. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle of what to do with this maternal love. Like kindness, love has exponential potential! I am forever grateful for the Gateway group! 💖
Perhaps we need to talk more about this aspect of healing from childlessness? It certainly floored me for several years until I found my way... When I needed 'Gateway' there was nothing like it -- I created both what I needed, but also what I had needed in the years prior too. The pronatalist rhetoric is that you're either childfree by choice and absolutely love your life every day (not true) or that you're childless not by choice and your life is OVER and you will never feel good or purposeful again (also not true). The fact is, my life as a childless woman is just a different messy, imperfect human experience to the one I would have had as a mother - not better, not worse - just different. And equally of value.
You gave me the words to express my feelings.
As always, an essay that is so much more. I'm still processing "The Bus List" and have started to make arrangements in this regard. I love your truth telling, your generous heart and am always invigorated by your writing.
Thank you Susan. You know I like to swim in the depths! I'm so glad that the Bus List has helped you to move forward with a few plans - so important. I have to say that as a writer, to be told that my writing in 'invigorating' is a heck of a compliment, thank you! Looking forward to seeing your writing one day too. Love, Jody x
I can very much relate to this, I just wrote about my mom today! And yep, there are many ways to 'love', and to 'be a mom' even. I feel like good coaches, therapists etc are like healthy parents in a way. Unconditional positive regard, support, encouragement. Sadly this is missing in lots of people's childhoods.
Thanks Maggie - just read your piece about your growing-up environment and I commented, as I can relate! As around 50% of adults are estimated to have some form of insecure attachment, I think we can safely say that 'unconditional positive regard' is something many of us are strangers too. I strive to practice it in ALL my relationships, and although it blows up in my face occasionally, it's worth it! Love, Jody x
Yep, that's what I've seen in my personal and professional life. 50% is probably a pretty generous number too, I would say it's more! And yes, it's definitely worth it 😊
Up here in the Nordic countries or at least in Finland we are rather talking about Friend's Day ( sounds much better in Swedish and Finnis) which also means that we celebrate it differently. At my work place we had a Friend's Day breakfast in the form of a potluck. I ended my emails by wishing the recipient a happy friend's day etc etc. Simply appreciating your friends, colleauges, and showing love and kindness to them.
This does not mean there are those celebrating Valentine's Day but the focus is not on romantic exclusive love.
It would make a huge difference in other countries if the definition of love could be expanded from the very limited 'eros' category to include some of the other forms of love, such as Storge (familial love), Philia (brotherly/sisterly love), Philautia (self-love), and even Agape (unconditional love). And also, love of the natural world, of animals, of the more than human species that we share this precious planet with!
I love that, Carina!
Adore this! Love fiercely, love kindly, love unconditionally. I can picture your clients sense of warmth at having her name on a home made cookie and seeing the lengths you went to, to show her your love. How people make us feel is how we remember them right? Good old Maya Angelou.
My warm, loving nature is one that I fought hard for, having lost access to her from the ages of 7 to 37 due to childhood trauma. And it took quite a few years of integration before I understood how to 'live' this softer, more vulnerable version of me. But I recognise her as the person I was as a young child, full of wonder, generosity, sensitivity, creativity, spirituality and joy. And when I remain in contact with that part of me, even though it makes me vulnerable to pain, it also allows me to be vulnerable to goofiness, cheekiness, a grounded optimism and all the expansive qualities that those who know me well appreciate! (I still keep some reserve with those I'm getting to know and trust, and in my 'public persona' but not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep that up!) I see a lot of similar qualities in you, and I hope that we can see each other again in real life again soon! x
ABSOLUTELY! Maybe a beach walk and coffee. It’s amazing when we tap into who we are inside as opposed to the allowing the calloused version of our souls to show up in the world. xx
Yes! Am thinking about this too at moment… it feels like there is nothing left to do but love. I’ve noticed it in my work too … I’m not supposed to “love” my clients… but as I sit with them in their struggles, in their small wins, in their glorious ability to be vulnerable…I often realise I do xxx …
I'm so glad this resonated with you in your work too. When I'm hosting a workshop, or working with a therapy client, the 'field' of love is very present for me. I think the very limited, heteronormative, colonialist, capitalist, pronatalist, singlist world view has selfishly siloed the many ways love exists in the world, and how it's one of the things that makes being human so remarkable.
Dear Jody, Thank you for writing this. Up until things got very tough in all areas of life a few weeks ago, I was working towards a loving and more compassionate relationship with my younger (20-something) self - as I realized I was really putting her through the wringer, being quite harsh for having been so naively hopeful and not doing things differently - and blaming her for much of my present situation. Cognitively I understand that we all did the best we could we the information we had a the time, but it’s still difficult to integrate it all. Off-topic, but the ‘Letters to our Younger Selves” NoMo Crone chat was both incredibly moving and useful with the needed self-compassion reboot - I’ve not written mine yet but as 50 comes closer…anyway - I do love elephants, though I’ve never seen them in the wild, and that’s a wonderful photo. Your tween client story is beautiful, and I’d not seen that particular James Baldwin video. And thank you for carrying the flag for the singles team - I just had to update the beneficiary on my retirement account (a Bus List item!) and the only options were “Spouse” and “Child” - listing my sibling was considered “Other!”
Dearest Marta - I'm so sorry that you have hit a rough patch and yes, 'integration' is a bitch! Healing is never a smooth path and those on that path rarely talk about it until they reach a plateau and look back on it. I have made a lot of foolish decisions in my life too, and they have cost me dearly. The dark night of the soul that childless grief took me through brought them all back, and I spent some time in profound shame and regret for many of them, until I gradually realised that I would NEVER be so harsh to anyone else, particularly someone who was suffering, and that as I had learned from my childhood, shame/criticism changes/heals NOTHING! With supportive long-term therapy to work on my attachment wounds (3 years minimum for this kind of work), somatic experiencing trauma therapy for the wounds that lay beyond words, grief work + self-compassion work, I emerged softer AND stronger. And grateful for every single 'wrong' turn I'd taken in my life because that was the path it took to get to the person I am today, and I love and appreciate and LIKE who I am today. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and I don't hold myself to those kinds of standards anymore. I'm just a perfectly imperfect human being, muddling along, doing my best to do no more harm, and as valuable and precious as anyone else, mother or not.
And as for that form suggesting 'Spouse' or 'Child' as the only options (other than 'Other') can I suggest you write to the communications department of that financial services company and share with them your experience, as well as some stats about how many people in America are unmarried and do not have children!
In case it's helpful, here is a short video I created for World Childless Week on working with Self Compassion, called 'The Self Compassionate Heart'
https://vimeo.com/360895116
Thank you so much, Jody, for your kind words and for sharing more about your therapeutic experience - “integration is a bitch” is so accurate! And now worse as I’m potentially affected by some current events….I saw a Jungian trained therapist for quite a while in my late 30’s/early 40s as I was trying to come to terms with things, but post-hysto and late 40’s, it just didn’t feel as helpful. She was kind, but a parent & grandparent herself, and truthfully I also didn’t have much language to articulate what I was feeling until I read your book last year. For me the “othering” is something I’ve felt more as I’ve grown older, sans a partner and children. But therapy for attachment (Marisa Franco’s book is on my list) is something I will look into again as I sense there are things to unpack there.
As for the form - after I commented and then later couldn’t sleep, it occurred to me in an overnight moment that I should send them feedback, so next week I will!
Thank you for the video. 💕
Beautiful piece jody!
Thank you for both giving me hope for my 50s, and appreciation of the freedom to focus on self compassion now.
Why do we sanitise love in therapy and refer to it as unconditional positive regard? Is it because of the fear of the misuse of power or the fear of acknowledging how big our hearts can grow in this work?
Jo - I have come to the same conclusion as you - that the 'abuse' of erotic transference in therapy, and the abuse of power generally by gurus (including therapists) is probably why 'love' is a taboo word in therapy...
In case it's helpful, here is a short video I created for World Childless Week on working with Self Compassion, called 'The Self Compassionate Heart'
https://vimeo.com/360895116
💖
So lovely to read your thoughts on this often over commercialised and romanticised day. Isn’t love the point of it all? It bemuses me that therapy refrains from using the love word when really as your young tween felt, love is absolutely a critical part of therapy. The worst therapist are the detached and indifferent. I should know, I’ve seen a few over the years. As a non-mum the biggest struggle I faced was where would all the love I wanted to share go? The out pouring of grief when I finally had community, with your help, to actually acknowledge my grief, was in fact an out pouring of love that had nowhere to go. I’ve slowly learnt to acknowledge the love I share is just a valuable as the love I would have poured into my children.
Thank you Mina. You've nailed it when you say that you've learnt to acknowledge that the love you share is just as valuable as the love you would have poured into your children. So much of our experience as childless women is invalidated, including our loving instincts -- I often wonder how powerful our love could be in the world if all childless women liberated their love, as you have done!
I am sad that you have experienced 'detached and indifferent' therapy - it stuns & saddens me that such a thing is possible, but I know it is, and I've met them too. As you know, it's not way way of working!
Love, Jody x
Thank you Jody, as you know my childlessness was something I started to grapple with decades ago. I do have a wonderful therapist now. I assume like all professions, psychotherapy has evolved and therapists have different levels of experience, competence and empathy. And yes, your way of working is anything but ‘detached and indifferent’. You are the embodiment of love and compassion!
Pouring love into the ones I love, and into the world, does require an understanding that there is a distinction between people pleasing and love. I used to ask “what would love do now” ? I haven’t always asked that question. When the pressures and complexities of life overwhelms me, love seems elusive. My ego wants to run the show and she can be harsh, to me and others. However I do like myself better and I feel I have better outcomes when love is running the show. That enquiry, “what would love do now” requires presence and courage.
The bliss of aging for me has been the courage to turn towards love. She has taught me, to make time for the humans I adore. To create boundaries. To lean into loving myself and being kind to me. (My inner bitch can be fierce!)
Here’s to all childless women liberating their love!
Lot of love to you Jody. Yours in admiration, Mina xx
Jody, I love you. Thank you for your support. The story about your tween student made me cry.
You deserve all of it and more - the way you pour love into the world with your music, writing and love is worthy of all of it. Love you on the dark days and the bright ones too. Jody x
Jody, thank you so much. Your words about your counselling relationships have perfectly articulated something for me. I am a peer worker and I know that while I get a lot wrong, there is something at the heart of what I do that works so well. I have tried to define it in various ways, but your post has nailed it for me. It's love.
Something I learned from psychotherapy research papers about the 'effectiveness' of therapy is that what heals is the quality of the relationship - not the 'modality'. Someone wrote (I'm not sure who) that 'we are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship' and that the love you have for your peers 'works so well'. Love, Jody x
Love this Jody. I find that without children in my life, there is a lot of love to pour into other things. And a major focus of that is my client work. I think love is a key ingredient in the process of healing, and not much spoken about in the world of psychology. My most enduring memory from my own longest stint of personal therapy is not the words she said to me, but rather the gentle, loving, maternal gaze that met me, no matter what I brought to the session. It's powerful, it's reparative, and it's a form of re-parenting that so many of us need in our lives.
Oh Vicki, those 'kind eyes' are everything in therapy, aren't they!
I think for me what also made the difference was staying in therapy longer - it wasn't until I was in therapy for an almost continuous stint of 4 years whilst doing my psychotherapy training (and with a much older female childfree therapist) that I experienced the 'reparenting' you describe. Before that, I'd been in therapy for a year, got some 'symptom relief' and some psychoeducational knowledge, but I didn't learn how to trust in someone's belief in me until that did not waver over a long period of time (and even as I shared the parts of myself that I'd never allowed anyone to see). Love, Jody x
That's so true Jody, and definitely points to the value of longer-term therapy work. Interestingly that stint of therapy I refer to above was also 4 and a half years. It's sad that this is so inaccessible for so many people, though no doubt can come in other forms than just a therapist too if we are lucky enough to encounter the right people in our lives...