Thank you for pulling all these thoughts and experiences together and sharing them with us. I really appreciate you shining a light down a path I only let myself fleetingly think about before bouncing to another distraction and avoiding thinking about this altogether. I wanted to share that I’ve started to think that my time on earth is to prevent the generational trauma my family has been carrying from continuing. And even - hopefully - transmuting that energy into something else, which will also be my legacy. And I think I’m ok with this, although it probably needs more meditating.
I tend to change my screen saver to a quote that typifies the ‘place’ I’m in over a period of time. I thought it might be fun to share here. I’m not sure of it’s source, but it reads, ‘You are the woman your ancestors prayed for. They dreamed of you. A woman free enough to speak her truth, soft enough to feel her heart, and powerful enough to break every curse they couldn’t’. As much as my Mum and Nana lamented my childlessness I like to think, from their vantage point now, they can make new sense of the life I’m living. In fact I feel sure of it.
Oh Gayle, that quote speaks to me so much. I come from a long line of unfilled, traumatised, unmothered, resentful working-class mothers—intelligent women with little education and angry at the world (and harsh with their children). I am happy not to have handed that package of intergenerational trauma onto my own children, and I probably would have done, as any 'wisdom' I might now have comes as a gift from the dark night of the soul of my childlessness... Sending love to you, and all you are meditating on. Jody x
Wow!!!! This is profound. Thank you once more for your transparency, your authenticity and your deep understanding of the stages of moving through life without children and now elderhood with such wisdom and a beautifully poetic and articulate way of mapping the journey. I love the notion of freedom through letting go of the need to be seen, to be remembered - letting go of legacy in order to be fully present in the quiet simplicity of connection with all. Deeply appreciative of your journey and how you have shared it with those of us that need to be lead to freedom.
For so long, I too have struggled with legacy. It was something I had thought about my whole life and I believed that having a child would continue that legacy.
I have learned over time, with age and wisdom that, that may be a belief but not a truth. Just because legacy was important to me, would not have necessarily made it important to who would have been my child.
I have learned that I must live for me now and for what I want my life to be.
It has been a long and very painful journey, but I do feel freer than I have ever felt and that gives me peace.
Thank you as always Jody for bringing such important topics to the forefront and for sharing your personal journey.
Thank you as always for the open and honest sharing of your journey. I am in that place you described of still feeling like I need to "create" something that will pass on since I don't have children, and untangling that from true desires to write/publish/make a garden, etc... That idea that if a woman doesn't have children, she has to be "doing something" for the world, and how that has fed and perpetuated by a history of perfectionism/achievement/service to others that was already there in me. It's unwinding for sure, but it is so helpful to hear from the other side, of letting go of the need to "leave something behind." Thank you!
The idea that we have to 'do something big' to 'make up' for not being a mother is pronatalism sneaking in by the back door! Would you have felt the need to do [whatever you're thinking of] if you'd been a mother? Childless/free women get to live ordinary lives, if they wish, or extraordinary ones, if their heart's desire + privilege align. So do mothers. I don't wish to take away from the huge effort + impact of mothering in the life of individuals and the transmission of culture. But who says that childless women aren't making an impact just by living their lives openly and without shame? I do what I do not to 'have an impact', but because I feel called to do it, have a desire to support other childless/free women, and it feeds my soul -- no other reason, and certainly not to 'atone' for my non-motherhood! Patriarchy and pronatalism are at the root of so much misery in our culture, I don't want to add a single splinter of fuel to it!
I absolutely get that Jody, I went through a similar period of what's the point of doing all this and who am I doing it for. My ancestors are also quick to point out that this is less about who we are doing it for, but feeling into where it lands. Whether we are healing the past, present or future, it has an impact on all of us, including those that have gone before, who are extremely grateful. I feel a great sense of responsibility for that, which helped enormously. We will live on through the land, the ocean, the sky the animals and plants, whoever picks up our DNA in the future. That helps me make peace with it.
Thank you, Louise. I tend to be over-responsible and thus inclined towards focusing on what I can for my ancestors and those who come after me. What has been harder for me is accepting into my body the love and tenderness of my ancestors, those who want to support ME with my life, as the face of the lineage. Turns out that RECEIVING their love and support is much harder than offering it! Thank you for your perspectives as someone who has so much more experience in this kind of work, and for resonating with my reflections. Hugs, Jody x
Oh Jody, this one hit me hard as these are the thoughts I keep waking up to in my perimenopausal night sweats. You are like Yoda, rich with wisdom and calmness. It would definitely take me a few years at least to accomplish this state in my pursuits. And I hope to get where you have, in my own way, one day. It certainly helps to know that you have touched the hearts of many. Mine is one of them. "A lineage of love and care for the earth and all her children" - is so beautiful said and is how I'm starting to think about myself from now on too. Thank you for that. And for being so raw, beautiful, open and thoughtful.
Dearest Nika - I have been called many things in this work, but this is my first time I've been called Yoda, and it made me smile. Something very few people know about me is that I am a science fiction nerd, and watching Star Wars in the cinema aged 13 was something I will never forget! And Oprah (a lot more Yoda than me) said that 'wisdom is nothing but healed wounds', and there's a lot of truth in that. Because I'm coming to understand that a lot of people don't 'heal' their wounds, but instead live from them, and make them their identity. That's a painful thing to do, and ultimately possibly even more painful than the work and heartbreak it takes to heal from them. This is not a value judgement: healing from our wounds is something that not everyone has the internal/external support to undertake; I feel grateful that life granted me those privileges. Ironically, it was the loneliness and isolation of being single and childless at midlife that gave me the time to walk that path of healing. Humanning is hard dear one, hang on in there. And you know where I am if you need a chat. Love, Jody x
I hear your pain filled struggle to make sense and find value in your life, with or without children.
I had three kids but not with a healthy partner; I worked like a slave to do & provide everything they needed yet it wore me thin, furious at the looser husband & looser father. I was poor, always reaching for more yet so limited that I crashed with no energy in acute CPTSD, too scared to seek MH help, knew not what ailed me and trusted no one. I wasn’t able to keep caring and protecting my three beautiful kids, especially with their development that challenged me and I cling to my authoritarian role models for control. That cracked life into shreds. In their forties now, I’ve improved our relationships and still focused on this, while enjoying taking myself off the list of every mums: guilt, memories of neglect, often feeling angry, frustrated, alone & overwhelmed.
I learned my body has limits and how to learn from my body’s wisdom’s with the aid of several excellent therapists who witnessed my stories of survival, nurtured & supported me.
I had no idea how to love and nurture children. I did my best, but was constantly remembering my traumatic childhood, specific traumatizing events and my narcissistic raging mother with seven kids! If I hadn’t had kids I’d not of wounded my kids and I’d not of been so poor, including today…but then, today I’m so grateful to my amazing kids who’ve somehow stitched their lives into making better decisions than I, are there for me when I need help and I have a family who loves me, even if it’s often from afar. I get that & it’s ok. Knowing I belong, have loved ones and two amazing grandchildren fills my heart and mind with joy!
Thanks for writing your painful story and know you are so not alone, whether there are kids or not. It’s tough on both sides, especially as a single CPTSR woman who makes decisions based on old wounds and unresolved issues.
Now we get to learn how to sooth and nurture our souls, giving ourselves and all our young parts all the attention, loving care and spontaneous delights that we are drawn towards. This is a gift-when we nurture our self as gently and frequent as yearned for. We now have this power and it’s a beautiful thing.
Dr Aimie Apigain knows how to heal where CPTSR & autoimmunity exists as a result of the lacking in early childhood & throughout childhood.
It’s been a lengthy trip with fear running, but now I’ve put all my wee parts/voices that are frighted, scared and warning of danger. They live to be heard and put to rest… when we are able to Listen
to them and give them the soothing they needed so long ago. It’s amazingly freeing when they are sleeping soundly assured that I have their backs & I am driving this bus!
I didn’t expect a response, let alone one so kindly relating but of course, from one lost adult child to another we see, hear, understand each other’s life rife with flailing & running scared.
More importantly, that we hold a safe space for each other knowing we belong & matter, we survived & we’ve risen far beyond those early years & the reproductive years.
We now own and create that which is truly ours born out of bodily need & yearning, from the god given earth, waters & air, and perhaps the supernatural!
Be Well friend and may you be your own nurturing spirit for everyone of those old voices, our little girl’s terrified parts who may still be calling us to heed. Yet, they only need us to be able to care, to listen deeply, hold her close & tell them how we see, hear, believe, understand and love them for keeping us safer when little, but now as the adult we can be all of what was needed; and we will feel (I do anyways ) the nurturing in our nervous system… soothed, held, appreciated saying often, “I’ve got your back!” May sparkles of joy, freedom & love rise spontaneously from within.
As the unmothered daughter of an unmothered daughter, and with undiagnosed (at the time) CPTSD from my traumatic childhood, I feared that I would mother my children as I had been mothered. It terrified me. I never got to find out, as when I tried to have childre,n I could not. So your story resonates with me deeply, and I have great compassion for how hard it has been for you to mother without the support of a healthy partner, and how this has impacted all of you.
I hope that the healing you are doing now helps everyone in the system, and I send you, your children, and your grandchildren my love.
I didn’t repeat my mother’s abuses, yet because as I was born not trusting, unable to trust my caregivers who were both generationally traumatized. I knew I didn’t know wtf but was determined they’d know they were loved. Yes, the attachment was strong, I affirm their every choice but was not warm & soft. I was too controlling to keep everything stuffed down, pretending I was well, yet I was unable to connect with those I sought in community. I was barely coping when I wa with their father. Divorced I got no financial child support or payouts, i was isolated suffering with unaware neglect & CPTSR, but with 3 kids! I was exhausted & burned out within 3 yrs, at 40.
Lots more affected the kids, as they suddenly lived with dad in the big city, often Latchkey kids. Broke my heart, spirit, hopes, mind reeling powerless.
Bottomline I did my best. They are in their forties now, still love me and have good careers; but the emotional neglect & unending traumas from my father’s financial
Nevertheless, as a lover and healer, now retired I’ve had the privilege of benefitting from my career and value for researchers, like Bessel van der Kolk, Dr Aimie Apigain, Dr Peter Levine,Dr Gabor Mate.
Unravelling the knots, soothing the NS somatically, changing my diet for improved gut biology& voila. Better and wiser with greater loving kindness flows from within.
I'm sitting here feeling like you're the big sister I always needed and wanted, and feeling so grateful. Thank you for treading the path ahead and helping to make the journey easier for those of us who follow. You inspire me to live MY fullest life. xoxo
Ah Kathleen, I don't have any siblings, so it's lovely for me to recieve that feeling from you, thank you! I'm so glad my work and my words feel supportive for you. Hugs, Jody x
I don’t think there's a timescale to how long our unravelling of identities takes. I'm just amazed at how much I've evolved as a CNBC person, and that hasn't always been easy. I can still remember being an eighties teenager to finding my artistic and creative self as a nineties twenty-two year old. But all of those chapters in my life have bought me to who I am today, and it is the present that I'm trying to navigate, as I try to leave behind my artistic legacy for the next generation to utilise. I also don't feel I would’ve achieved half as much as I have if I'd been a mother, and my tertiary education gave me that inner power to transcend those turbulent awful expectations that societal norms throw at us for being CNBC.
Hi Razia - I agree that the person I am today is a different version of me than the one who would have been a mother - and I'm proud of who I have become, despite the stigma and disenfranchisement of childlessness. I hope I would have been proud of myself as a mother too, but I'll never know - I guess it would have stretched, challenged and educated me in different ways! I have changed so much in the 20 years since my 40-year-old self in denial about my childlessness - I hope that if I have another 20 years, I will keep evolving, keep transforming and keep suprising myself (and others?). Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for these wonderful thoughts! Two things in particular appealed to me: Connecting with the generations before us, and feeling that connection. I studied The Work that Reconnects intensively a few years ago but lost sight of it somewhat due to the pandemic. Thank you for this reminder! I especially resonate with the last paragraph about how liberating it is to let go of the desire to create something. To focus instead on daily acts of kindness and presence. I try to align myself with this attitude, even if I struggle from time to time. I find your thoughts incredibly comforting! I feel validated and empowered knowing that I'm not alone in this.
Hi Usha, and thank you for sharing your response. I trained as a Work That Reconnects facilitator this last year, and it has been a fabulous deep initiation in the WTR philosophy and methodology. My experience with my own childless grief, and supporting so many others with theirs, seems to have grown my capacity to be with liminal spaces, endings and death that might not have been the case otherwise. I hope that that capacity, forged in such pain, can be of service as the world unravels... I'm not sure if you had a chance to atttend/watch the video from March's 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' on 'Eldering in a Time of Collapse', but you might resonate with quite a lot of what was shared in that call too? https://jodyday.substack.com/p/fireside-wisdom-eldering-in-a-time
Thank you for this beautiful invitation to step into the present moment and those daily acts of kindness and presence which are the legacy that we share everyday. I’m just coming back from three days camping in the woods on an ecotherapy training retreat and the big takeaway for me was the importance of showing up daily for myself in practices which support me being here now. This is the only time we have. And thank you so much for the mention of To Hear the Trees Speak, so happy you are enjoying the book and listening to the trees 🌳
Dear Olivia - I am so happy to be connected here, as I feel I 'know' you a little through reading 'To Hear the Trees Speak'. I'm with you and the olive trees in France at the moment. And yes, this present moment is all there is, and yet for those of us conditioned by modernity, so hard to be with! I've just got back from walking the dog (a puppy) and his joy and wonder at every single thing is such a reminder of that! Hugs, Jody x
Oh this was special! So special. For some reason I’ve never worried about legacy. Maybe it’s my deep rooted sense of irrelevance. But I have no need to be remembered in death. I barely feel noticed in life so I do not fear being forgotten in death. Scatter my ashes to the wind and let me go. 😀
I think you are perhaps more noticed than you realise! Your work for the non-parent community is significant and growing more so with each essay you publish. I'm happy for you that the concept of legacy is not one that has ever troubled you though... Big hugs x
I'm glad you've found a way of thinking about legacy that feels right for you, Jody. I get that we have absolutely no control over how we're remembered, or IF we're remembered, and yes, people's memories of the vast majority of us will fade over time. But I like to think that whatever I've accomplished while I'm here, whatever kindness I've been able to show to others or wisdom (??lol) I've been able to pass along, etc., will create an impact, however small, that others will carry on through their own lifetimes. I'll never know, but I find it comforting to think about it that way!
I especially enjoyed your comments about feeling the support of your ancestors. As you know, I have a lifelong fascination with my family history and have been researching on & off for 45ish years now. I've noticed that many family genealogists are childless -- and I suppose some people might say that's because we have all this FREE TIME, right? (*sarcasm!*) I have said that some (most) people contribute to the family tree by producing the next generation -- but I like to think I'm making a contribution (part of my "legacy"??) by growing the tree backwards in time, and uncovering the names and stories of (some of) the people who went before us (and then sharing that information with other family members). I've been particularly intrigued by some of the interesting stories I've learned about the childless women in my family. My grandfather's (single, childless) great-aunt saved some family letters and scrapbooks that were the basis of my first genealogy research (full of all kinds of information, clues and wonderful stories) -- the kicker being that she was adopted into the family as an infant and wasn't even related to us genetically!
We are the living result of the impact of millions of moments of kindness and wisdom from people whose names we will probably never know - so absolutely, our legacy has an impact, whether we have children or not, and whether they do. We are all part of the human family (and what a dysfunctional, lovable, deplorable mess of contradictions it contains!), and thus we all have a part to play.
Like many childless/free people I know, you are the 'family geneologist' and I find it fascinating that it was through the efforts of one of your childless ancestors that you were gifted so much rich material to work on. Would love to hear some of the 'interesting stories' about your childless ancestors one day...
I claim as kin and ancestors all people who lived and died without having the children they wanted. I am ancestor to all the future people who will be childless not by their choice. So many of us have walked this path before, and I know they lift me up and witness me as I walk the path now. I love the practice of engaging with deep time, that feels so attuned to how I feel about legacy. Thank you for this beautiful post, for reflecting how meaning and engagement are ours to build in our brief lives.
Blood ancestry is only one kind of lineage, so I love the way you have claimed your affinity with all the past and future people who have been / will be childless not by choice. That gives me the chills, in a good way.
Thank you for sharing your process so poetically and powerfully, Jody. We are always in transition, aren't we? Always evolving. I hear your healing journey in your words - your evolution, your transition. It's comforting and inspiring to read x
Thank you, Katherine, and thank you too for writing about legacy, which prompted me to leave a comment a while back, which you will see echoes of in this post. I loved your piece too here: https://substack.com/@frommidlifewithlove/p-155930631
Thank you Jody. It's so interesting to watch our journeys unfold and to observe how our feelings shift over time. I think this brings hope to anyone who is deep in confusion or lost in grief in relation to childlessness. If we honour the feelings - speak about them, write about them, feel them to heal them - we eventually emerge into a different space. x
Thank you for pulling all these thoughts and experiences together and sharing them with us. I really appreciate you shining a light down a path I only let myself fleetingly think about before bouncing to another distraction and avoiding thinking about this altogether. I wanted to share that I’ve started to think that my time on earth is to prevent the generational trauma my family has been carrying from continuing. And even - hopefully - transmuting that energy into something else, which will also be my legacy. And I think I’m ok with this, although it probably needs more meditating.
I tend to change my screen saver to a quote that typifies the ‘place’ I’m in over a period of time. I thought it might be fun to share here. I’m not sure of it’s source, but it reads, ‘You are the woman your ancestors prayed for. They dreamed of you. A woman free enough to speak her truth, soft enough to feel her heart, and powerful enough to break every curse they couldn’t’. As much as my Mum and Nana lamented my childlessness I like to think, from their vantage point now, they can make new sense of the life I’m living. In fact I feel sure of it.
Thanks again Jody for everything you’re doing.
Oh Gayle, that quote speaks to me so much. I come from a long line of unfilled, traumatised, unmothered, resentful working-class mothers—intelligent women with little education and angry at the world (and harsh with their children). I am happy not to have handed that package of intergenerational trauma onto my own children, and I probably would have done, as any 'wisdom' I might now have comes as a gift from the dark night of the soul of my childlessness... Sending love to you, and all you are meditating on. Jody x
Wow!!!! This is profound. Thank you once more for your transparency, your authenticity and your deep understanding of the stages of moving through life without children and now elderhood with such wisdom and a beautifully poetic and articulate way of mapping the journey. I love the notion of freedom through letting go of the need to be seen, to be remembered - letting go of legacy in order to be fully present in the quiet simplicity of connection with all. Deeply appreciative of your journey and how you have shared it with those of us that need to be lead to freedom.
For so long, I too have struggled with legacy. It was something I had thought about my whole life and I believed that having a child would continue that legacy.
I have learned over time, with age and wisdom that, that may be a belief but not a truth. Just because legacy was important to me, would not have necessarily made it important to who would have been my child.
I have learned that I must live for me now and for what I want my life to be.
It has been a long and very painful journey, but I do feel freer than I have ever felt and that gives me peace.
Thank you as always Jody for bringing such important topics to the forefront and for sharing your personal journey.
Thank you as always for the open and honest sharing of your journey. I am in that place you described of still feeling like I need to "create" something that will pass on since I don't have children, and untangling that from true desires to write/publish/make a garden, etc... That idea that if a woman doesn't have children, she has to be "doing something" for the world, and how that has fed and perpetuated by a history of perfectionism/achievement/service to others that was already there in me. It's unwinding for sure, but it is so helpful to hear from the other side, of letting go of the need to "leave something behind." Thank you!
The idea that we have to 'do something big' to 'make up' for not being a mother is pronatalism sneaking in by the back door! Would you have felt the need to do [whatever you're thinking of] if you'd been a mother? Childless/free women get to live ordinary lives, if they wish, or extraordinary ones, if their heart's desire + privilege align. So do mothers. I don't wish to take away from the huge effort + impact of mothering in the life of individuals and the transmission of culture. But who says that childless women aren't making an impact just by living their lives openly and without shame? I do what I do not to 'have an impact', but because I feel called to do it, have a desire to support other childless/free women, and it feeds my soul -- no other reason, and certainly not to 'atone' for my non-motherhood! Patriarchy and pronatalism are at the root of so much misery in our culture, I don't want to add a single splinter of fuel to it!
I love that - "who says that childless women aren't making an impact just by living their lives openly and without shame?" YES!!
I absolutely get that Jody, I went through a similar period of what's the point of doing all this and who am I doing it for. My ancestors are also quick to point out that this is less about who we are doing it for, but feeling into where it lands. Whether we are healing the past, present or future, it has an impact on all of us, including those that have gone before, who are extremely grateful. I feel a great sense of responsibility for that, which helped enormously. We will live on through the land, the ocean, the sky the animals and plants, whoever picks up our DNA in the future. That helps me make peace with it.
Thank you, Louise. I tend to be over-responsible and thus inclined towards focusing on what I can for my ancestors and those who come after me. What has been harder for me is accepting into my body the love and tenderness of my ancestors, those who want to support ME with my life, as the face of the lineage. Turns out that RECEIVING their love and support is much harder than offering it! Thank you for your perspectives as someone who has so much more experience in this kind of work, and for resonating with my reflections. Hugs, Jody x
Oh Jody, this one hit me hard as these are the thoughts I keep waking up to in my perimenopausal night sweats. You are like Yoda, rich with wisdom and calmness. It would definitely take me a few years at least to accomplish this state in my pursuits. And I hope to get where you have, in my own way, one day. It certainly helps to know that you have touched the hearts of many. Mine is one of them. "A lineage of love and care for the earth and all her children" - is so beautiful said and is how I'm starting to think about myself from now on too. Thank you for that. And for being so raw, beautiful, open and thoughtful.
Dearest Nika - I have been called many things in this work, but this is my first time I've been called Yoda, and it made me smile. Something very few people know about me is that I am a science fiction nerd, and watching Star Wars in the cinema aged 13 was something I will never forget! And Oprah (a lot more Yoda than me) said that 'wisdom is nothing but healed wounds', and there's a lot of truth in that. Because I'm coming to understand that a lot of people don't 'heal' their wounds, but instead live from them, and make them their identity. That's a painful thing to do, and ultimately possibly even more painful than the work and heartbreak it takes to heal from them. This is not a value judgement: healing from our wounds is something that not everyone has the internal/external support to undertake; I feel grateful that life granted me those privileges. Ironically, it was the loneliness and isolation of being single and childless at midlife that gave me the time to walk that path of healing. Humanning is hard dear one, hang on in there. And you know where I am if you need a chat. Love, Jody x
I hear your pain filled struggle to make sense and find value in your life, with or without children.
I had three kids but not with a healthy partner; I worked like a slave to do & provide everything they needed yet it wore me thin, furious at the looser husband & looser father. I was poor, always reaching for more yet so limited that I crashed with no energy in acute CPTSD, too scared to seek MH help, knew not what ailed me and trusted no one. I wasn’t able to keep caring and protecting my three beautiful kids, especially with their development that challenged me and I cling to my authoritarian role models for control. That cracked life into shreds. In their forties now, I’ve improved our relationships and still focused on this, while enjoying taking myself off the list of every mums: guilt, memories of neglect, often feeling angry, frustrated, alone & overwhelmed.
I learned my body has limits and how to learn from my body’s wisdom’s with the aid of several excellent therapists who witnessed my stories of survival, nurtured & supported me.
I had no idea how to love and nurture children. I did my best, but was constantly remembering my traumatic childhood, specific traumatizing events and my narcissistic raging mother with seven kids! If I hadn’t had kids I’d not of wounded my kids and I’d not of been so poor, including today…but then, today I’m so grateful to my amazing kids who’ve somehow stitched their lives into making better decisions than I, are there for me when I need help and I have a family who loves me, even if it’s often from afar. I get that & it’s ok. Knowing I belong, have loved ones and two amazing grandchildren fills my heart and mind with joy!
Thanks for writing your painful story and know you are so not alone, whether there are kids or not. It’s tough on both sides, especially as a single CPTSR woman who makes decisions based on old wounds and unresolved issues.
Now we get to learn how to sooth and nurture our souls, giving ourselves and all our young parts all the attention, loving care and spontaneous delights that we are drawn towards. This is a gift-when we nurture our self as gently and frequent as yearned for. We now have this power and it’s a beautiful thing.
Dr Aimie Apigain knows how to heal where CPTSR & autoimmunity exists as a result of the lacking in early childhood & throughout childhood.
It’s been a lengthy trip with fear running, but now I’ve put all my wee parts/voices that are frighted, scared and warning of danger. They live to be heard and put to rest… when we are able to Listen
to them and give them the soothing they needed so long ago. It’s amazingly freeing when they are sleeping soundly assured that I have their backs & I am driving this bus!
Thank you Jody!
I didn’t expect a response, let alone one so kindly relating but of course, from one lost adult child to another we see, hear, understand each other’s life rife with flailing & running scared.
More importantly, that we hold a safe space for each other knowing we belong & matter, we survived & we’ve risen far beyond those early years & the reproductive years.
We now own and create that which is truly ours born out of bodily need & yearning, from the god given earth, waters & air, and perhaps the supernatural!
Be Well friend and may you be your own nurturing spirit for everyone of those old voices, our little girl’s terrified parts who may still be calling us to heed. Yet, they only need us to be able to care, to listen deeply, hold her close & tell them how we see, hear, believe, understand and love them for keeping us safer when little, but now as the adult we can be all of what was needed; and we will feel (I do anyways ) the nurturing in our nervous system… soothed, held, appreciated saying often, “I’ve got your back!” May sparkles of joy, freedom & love rise spontaneously from within.
Be Well!
Dear Leda
As the unmothered daughter of an unmothered daughter, and with undiagnosed (at the time) CPTSD from my traumatic childhood, I feared that I would mother my children as I had been mothered. It terrified me. I never got to find out, as when I tried to have childre,n I could not. So your story resonates with me deeply, and I have great compassion for how hard it has been for you to mother without the support of a healthy partner, and how this has impacted all of you.
I hope that the healing you are doing now helps everyone in the system, and I send you, your children, and your grandchildren my love.
Jody x
I didn’t repeat my mother’s abuses, yet because as I was born not trusting, unable to trust my caregivers who were both generationally traumatized. I knew I didn’t know wtf but was determined they’d know they were loved. Yes, the attachment was strong, I affirm their every choice but was not warm & soft. I was too controlling to keep everything stuffed down, pretending I was well, yet I was unable to connect with those I sought in community. I was barely coping when I wa with their father. Divorced I got no financial child support or payouts, i was isolated suffering with unaware neglect & CPTSR, but with 3 kids! I was exhausted & burned out within 3 yrs, at 40.
Lots more affected the kids, as they suddenly lived with dad in the big city, often Latchkey kids. Broke my heart, spirit, hopes, mind reeling powerless.
Bottomline I did my best. They are in their forties now, still love me and have good careers; but the emotional neglect & unending traumas from my father’s financial
traumas & mum’s emotional & psychological narcissism definitely pruned my priorities & choices.
Nevertheless, as a lover and healer, now retired I’ve had the privilege of benefitting from my career and value for researchers, like Bessel van der Kolk, Dr Aimie Apigain, Dr Peter Levine,Dr Gabor Mate.
Unravelling the knots, soothing the NS somatically, changing my diet for improved gut biology& voila. Better and wiser with greater loving kindness flows from within.
I'm sitting here feeling like you're the big sister I always needed and wanted, and feeling so grateful. Thank you for treading the path ahead and helping to make the journey easier for those of us who follow. You inspire me to live MY fullest life. xoxo
Ah Kathleen, I don't have any siblings, so it's lovely for me to recieve that feeling from you, thank you! I'm so glad my work and my words feel supportive for you. Hugs, Jody x
Dear Jody,
I don’t think there's a timescale to how long our unravelling of identities takes. I'm just amazed at how much I've evolved as a CNBC person, and that hasn't always been easy. I can still remember being an eighties teenager to finding my artistic and creative self as a nineties twenty-two year old. But all of those chapters in my life have bought me to who I am today, and it is the present that I'm trying to navigate, as I try to leave behind my artistic legacy for the next generation to utilise. I also don't feel I would’ve achieved half as much as I have if I'd been a mother, and my tertiary education gave me that inner power to transcend those turbulent awful expectations that societal norms throw at us for being CNBC.
Hi Razia - I agree that the person I am today is a different version of me than the one who would have been a mother - and I'm proud of who I have become, despite the stigma and disenfranchisement of childlessness. I hope I would have been proud of myself as a mother too, but I'll never know - I guess it would have stretched, challenged and educated me in different ways! I have changed so much in the 20 years since my 40-year-old self in denial about my childlessness - I hope that if I have another 20 years, I will keep evolving, keep transforming and keep suprising myself (and others?). Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for these wonderful thoughts! Two things in particular appealed to me: Connecting with the generations before us, and feeling that connection. I studied The Work that Reconnects intensively a few years ago but lost sight of it somewhat due to the pandemic. Thank you for this reminder! I especially resonate with the last paragraph about how liberating it is to let go of the desire to create something. To focus instead on daily acts of kindness and presence. I try to align myself with this attitude, even if I struggle from time to time. I find your thoughts incredibly comforting! I feel validated and empowered knowing that I'm not alone in this.
Hi Usha, and thank you for sharing your response. I trained as a Work That Reconnects facilitator this last year, and it has been a fabulous deep initiation in the WTR philosophy and methodology. My experience with my own childless grief, and supporting so many others with theirs, seems to have grown my capacity to be with liminal spaces, endings and death that might not have been the case otherwise. I hope that that capacity, forged in such pain, can be of service as the world unravels... I'm not sure if you had a chance to atttend/watch the video from March's 'Fireside Wisdom with Childless Elderwomen' on 'Eldering in a Time of Collapse', but you might resonate with quite a lot of what was shared in that call too? https://jodyday.substack.com/p/fireside-wisdom-eldering-in-a-time
Hugs, Jody x
Thank you for this beautiful invitation to step into the present moment and those daily acts of kindness and presence which are the legacy that we share everyday. I’m just coming back from three days camping in the woods on an ecotherapy training retreat and the big takeaway for me was the importance of showing up daily for myself in practices which support me being here now. This is the only time we have. And thank you so much for the mention of To Hear the Trees Speak, so happy you are enjoying the book and listening to the trees 🌳
Dear Olivia - I am so happy to be connected here, as I feel I 'know' you a little through reading 'To Hear the Trees Speak'. I'm with you and the olive trees in France at the moment. And yes, this present moment is all there is, and yet for those of us conditioned by modernity, so hard to be with! I've just got back from walking the dog (a puppy) and his joy and wonder at every single thing is such a reminder of that! Hugs, Jody x
'Joy calls me home' as the olive tree chapter says! Dogs and puppies in particular are a great teacher! x
Oh this was special! So special. For some reason I’ve never worried about legacy. Maybe it’s my deep rooted sense of irrelevance. But I have no need to be remembered in death. I barely feel noticed in life so I do not fear being forgotten in death. Scatter my ashes to the wind and let me go. 😀
I think you are perhaps more noticed than you realise! Your work for the non-parent community is significant and growing more so with each essay you publish. I'm happy for you that the concept of legacy is not one that has ever troubled you though... Big hugs x
This got me at the right time. Thanks x
You are so welcome dear Joanna x
I'm glad you've found a way of thinking about legacy that feels right for you, Jody. I get that we have absolutely no control over how we're remembered, or IF we're remembered, and yes, people's memories of the vast majority of us will fade over time. But I like to think that whatever I've accomplished while I'm here, whatever kindness I've been able to show to others or wisdom (??lol) I've been able to pass along, etc., will create an impact, however small, that others will carry on through their own lifetimes. I'll never know, but I find it comforting to think about it that way!
I especially enjoyed your comments about feeling the support of your ancestors. As you know, I have a lifelong fascination with my family history and have been researching on & off for 45ish years now. I've noticed that many family genealogists are childless -- and I suppose some people might say that's because we have all this FREE TIME, right? (*sarcasm!*) I have said that some (most) people contribute to the family tree by producing the next generation -- but I like to think I'm making a contribution (part of my "legacy"??) by growing the tree backwards in time, and uncovering the names and stories of (some of) the people who went before us (and then sharing that information with other family members). I've been particularly intrigued by some of the interesting stories I've learned about the childless women in my family. My grandfather's (single, childless) great-aunt saved some family letters and scrapbooks that were the basis of my first genealogy research (full of all kinds of information, clues and wonderful stories) -- the kicker being that she was adopted into the family as an infant and wasn't even related to us genetically!
We are the living result of the impact of millions of moments of kindness and wisdom from people whose names we will probably never know - so absolutely, our legacy has an impact, whether we have children or not, and whether they do. We are all part of the human family (and what a dysfunctional, lovable, deplorable mess of contradictions it contains!), and thus we all have a part to play.
Like many childless/free people I know, you are the 'family geneologist' and I find it fascinating that it was through the efforts of one of your childless ancestors that you were gifted so much rich material to work on. Would love to hear some of the 'interesting stories' about your childless ancestors one day...
I claim as kin and ancestors all people who lived and died without having the children they wanted. I am ancestor to all the future people who will be childless not by their choice. So many of us have walked this path before, and I know they lift me up and witness me as I walk the path now. I love the practice of engaging with deep time, that feels so attuned to how I feel about legacy. Thank you for this beautiful post, for reflecting how meaning and engagement are ours to build in our brief lives.
Blood ancestry is only one kind of lineage, so I love the way you have claimed your affinity with all the past and future people who have been / will be childless not by choice. That gives me the chills, in a good way.
Thank you for sharing your process so poetically and powerfully, Jody. We are always in transition, aren't we? Always evolving. I hear your healing journey in your words - your evolution, your transition. It's comforting and inspiring to read x
Thank you, Katherine, and thank you too for writing about legacy, which prompted me to leave a comment a while back, which you will see echoes of in this post. I loved your piece too here: https://substack.com/@frommidlifewithlove/p-155930631
Thank you Jody. It's so interesting to watch our journeys unfold and to observe how our feelings shift over time. I think this brings hope to anyone who is deep in confusion or lost in grief in relation to childlessness. If we honour the feelings - speak about them, write about them, feel them to heal them - we eventually emerge into a different space. x