As a young 60 who loves to be in a loving, sexy relationship but has so much difficulty meeting the right (or any) available man, childless due to not having met him earlier while pursuing my career as a singer songwriter in a male centric universe, I can say I really feel like 60 is just me at 35 still. I felt alone and silently penalized and shamed until I found your site. I feel great and I still write and record my music, dance and travel. Being older does not feel different at all. Even not having had children and a family feels ok because I have helped young people and have some who owe me their life a little. Being single is what hurts. Ironically I do not think that has to do with age because I have many younger friends (mostly dancers and influencers) who are in their 20s and 30s who find it difficult to meet someone who fits. I wonder if times have changed so much that it is harder for everyone?
Hi Anouschka - singleness has increased massively in our lifetime - according to 2020 UN data, the number of women in the UK 'not married nor in a union' aged 18-49 has increased from 28% to 49% since 1970 - in the US from 34% to 48%; in India from 11% to 39%, in Japan from 38% to 52%, etc. This is across all age groups, and in all westernized societies. However, the social construct of patriarchy still shames heterosexual women for not being 'chosen', even though many women long for an intimate relationship, yet struggle to find suitable partners, during their fertile years and beyond. A comment is not the place to unpack this, but it seems that we are seeing something very profound happening in relations between men and women, and my sense is that patriarchy is cracking at the seams, and failing all of us.
Oh my… you left me, discombobulated. I had no idea that coming back to the states to take care of mom, leaving a life I worked hard for. All the time spent making an old fishing boat home. Growing my business. My mom was like most moms. Hurting from a life of abuse. I held her hands. I cut up sponges into strips. Putting those wet
into her mouth, dry as a desert. She wasn’t conscience bUt if had been me I would have loved the sponges. I hate a dry mouth as she could no longer ask for ice chips. She slipped away during a warring fight with my sister I loved and hated. All the screaming I’m sure she still heard…
I've been living in rural Ireland for the last 6 years, rediscovering my half-Irish roots and putting down roots with my new partner. Been a long time since our Mastermind days! xx
That’s wonderful Jody, I read that you’re in West Cork, which is amazing. Sounds like you’re joyfully settled! I go back to Ireland a few times a year to catch up with family. That Mastermind (13 years ago) was brilliant and seemed to have a profound impact on so many of us - a springboard for our new directions. X
Ahh Jody… what a beautiful post… yes to everything you’ve said… I’m lucky that I’ve already sorted my POA and POMA as well as my will…
I’m also thinking of you whilst you travel the journey around losing both maternal figures within such a short space of time too.
Involuntary Childlessness definitely gets easier as one ages (providing work has been done to achieve this!) grateful I took the bull by the horns and decided I’d had enough years ago and kicked back.
Ah Mary, how lovely to hear from you honey; you are in my mind and heart a lot.
It's good that it's been your experience that involuntary childlessness gets easier (if we've had the inclination, opportunity and support to do the work, absolutely!) That's been my experience too.
Life is taking a new shape for me, and I'm gradually working out what that is...
I can't remember if I commented on this yet or not, but just in case I didn't... You have been through so much this past year! And this piece really brings that into focus so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this journey. <3
Crikey what a moving piece. I had never thought of my body being part of the cycle and will one day feed life in, a way to create life in a body that couldn’t make life. 💚
It was one of the biggest 'a-ha' moments of my childless recovery journey and released me from a great deal of pain and disconnection. I hope it lands well with you too. Hugs, Jody x
I cannot relate to being childless, as I have an amazing daughter and I'm fortunate to have an incredible mother, but your writing is very moving and speaks to me on some level.
Thank you Lisa; I'm honoured that you relate to it, even though we have very different perspectives... I guess there must be something universal that I'm expressing... as we're all going to die! Hugs, Jody x
This was beautiful and impactful - thank you! As a single and childless person, this day is hasn't been easy for a long time, yet I always try and be polite about it (ah, conditioning!) But I turned 49 three days prior on May 9, and, buoyed by those who remembered when I didn't expect it - I volunteered to co-host the CC chat for an hour to find it was a LOT of fun - a first! Admittedly it wasn't until Feb. of this year that I discovered and dove in headfirst to your book and other Gateway content and the CC community. Now my (signed! ;-) copy lives on the coffee table full of yellow post-it tabs that get referred to quite a bit - and Charleston was an amazing experience unlike any other! As I contemplate the next decade and edge towards becoming an elder, your description of not being a biological mother in this lifetime, but finding expression for the archetypal mother energy in other ways, resonated very deeply and tenderly. The resolution for my new year is to try and rise above the day-to-day crazy while being more conscious and thoughtful about that going forward. xxoo
Thank you so much Marta for sharing how this day, and this essay landed with you. Certainly for me, starting (what was) the Gateway Women online community 13 years ago came out of my need for connection with other childless women who'd 'get' how hard it can sometimes be to be a childless woman in a family-focused world... and I'm thrilled that Katy has taken on that mantle and made it part of CC (The Childless Collective) to take it forward for the next generation. One of my main reasons for doing so was to free me up to explore the next stage of life without children - ageing without them, and also the many interwoven archetypal issues of ageing as a woman in our patriarchal culture... I was so happy to meet you in Charleston and I love the idea of my book on your coffee table. If you ever want to send me a photo of that, I'd love to see it - I love seeing my book 'out in the world'! Big Hugs, Jody x
Katy is absolutely wonderful - and you set her up with an excellent foundation! In my mid-late 30's, I did a lot of inner work to try and come to terms with being single and childless, and thought I'd done it all when I turned 40 in a good place. That illusion actually lasted several years, til an unexpected emergency hysterectomy happened in Dec. 2021. While I was fortunate to have very kind neighbors & friends on the physical convalescence side of things (family is all far away), I was wholly unprepared for the "f*cking rug" that was the emotional piece. Despite a few Zoom sessions with a Jungian-trained therapist in the months that followed, NOBODY called it grief until I read your book on my own this year. It was a game-changer in so many ways - and now I know my story isn't that uncommon. And more importantly, I now understand that childless grief will be with me forever, through all stages of life, and it's a matter of integrating it.
It doesn't look like I'm able to share coffee table photos here (I took 2 overnight!) - so I will email them to you. My humble abode is just outside of Washington DC (no dearth of crazy here!) but I do have a patio where I can grow things, and that little corner of my tiny apartment is my refuge!
I'm so sorry that the floor dropped out underneath you after your hysto (fucking rugs indeed!) and I'm so relieved that you found your way to my work. No matter how many times I hear stories like this it shocks me deeply that the therapeutic professions STILL don't 'get' that childlessness is a form of grief... Thank you for your lovely photos which I got by email :) xxxx
This is such a beautiful piece, Judy, and the community you've created around your writing is such a strong, nurturing, dare I say maternal force. It's a wonderful thing to behold. As someone who lost her own mother at twelve, I've spent my life (I'm now 53) missing the nurturing relationship I lost. It's beautiful to see you offering warmth, love, kindness and understanding to your readers, and standing in the strength of your own offering. Thank you for what you do. 💕
Thank you Michelle for your warm support, and for appreciating the archetypal mothering energy that seems to come more naturally to me as I age... and move further and deeper from my childless grief xx
As always I find your writing comforting and enriching. Us childless women are so grateful for what you have done for us. Can I ask you a question - you said ‘I met the soul who would have been my child’, I’m not sure what you mean by that.
I write about the experience of when I 'met' the soul of the child that would have been my son whilst in St Paul's Cathedral in Chapter 4 of my book, 'Living the Life Unexpected'. It was a unsought-for mystical experience and very healing. Thank you for appreciating my writing, and my work x
Benign neglect. Yes, that encompasses it perfectly. Solid Gen X’er here too. My mom loves us, but has her own trauma. My dad loved us too, but both were emotionally unavailable. And filled with denial that our family was not perfect. They never took us to the doctor unless something was broken or we were pouring blood. My brother and I suffered the most. My sister did what was expected and is ‘the normal one’. I think that’s interesting, as many years later, we learned that nothing my brother and I are neurodivergent. Neither of us have kids either. But I am grown into a woman who is well ready to be part of the ‘modern matriarchy’.
Thank you for your comment Heather. I too experienced neglect around illness, and nearly died from peritonitis from a burst appendix when I was 10 as it took so long for my parents to take my pain seriously and get me to hospital! (In fact I did die on the operating table and left my body, a classic 'NDE', but that's a story for another day...) I was an intellectually gifted child and I can only but wonder what more sympathetic, less traumatised/traumatising parenting could have done for me... but as I write in the piece, I wouldn't be 'me' had I been born to another, and I do feel like I have been shaped in a precise way to be useful in this time of collapse. I'm still not sure about 'modern matriarchy' (power over, of any kind, is abhorrent to me) but I would dearly love to see women's power and wisdom become part of our culture again, and for power-crazed patriarchs to relinquish their crazy kamikaze hold on our world!
OMGs, that’s beyond what we experienced - a ruptured appendix is very serious! We have Tourette Syndrome and mine was worse. It started in second grade and i suppressed it like crazy. By the time i was a teen, I seriously thought I was insane. I knew of no other reason someone would do these things. It wasn’t well known back in the ‘80s. I took myself to the doctor (as I’d been doing since I was 11) and got it sorted.
I was intellectually gifted too and the schools saw to that. But my high marks received no appreciation at home. They were expected and I was told if I’d studied I could’ve gotten 100% instead of ‘only’ 98%.
But you do make a good point. All the happenings and circumstances of my life have brought me to who I am - but largely because I fought for them. My brother did not fare as well. In his late 40s, he still lives with my mom, has no friends and is not dealing with his mental health issues.
And I see the Matriarchy’s return as a nurturing, loving, coming together to take action on the ills of the world. I certainly don’t want power over anyone myself.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jody. We are both, I feel, in the right place and at the right time.
Yes, I know of many people, including my ex-husband and my mother, who have had their lives utterly derailed by trauma... not everyone makes it through, that's for sure. xx
As a young 60 who loves to be in a loving, sexy relationship but has so much difficulty meeting the right (or any) available man, childless due to not having met him earlier while pursuing my career as a singer songwriter in a male centric universe, I can say I really feel like 60 is just me at 35 still. I felt alone and silently penalized and shamed until I found your site. I feel great and I still write and record my music, dance and travel. Being older does not feel different at all. Even not having had children and a family feels ok because I have helped young people and have some who owe me their life a little. Being single is what hurts. Ironically I do not think that has to do with age because I have many younger friends (mostly dancers and influencers) who are in their 20s and 30s who find it difficult to meet someone who fits. I wonder if times have changed so much that it is harder for everyone?
Hi Anouschka - singleness has increased massively in our lifetime - according to 2020 UN data, the number of women in the UK 'not married nor in a union' aged 18-49 has increased from 28% to 49% since 1970 - in the US from 34% to 48%; in India from 11% to 39%, in Japan from 38% to 52%, etc. This is across all age groups, and in all westernized societies. However, the social construct of patriarchy still shames heterosexual women for not being 'chosen', even though many women long for an intimate relationship, yet struggle to find suitable partners, during their fertile years and beyond. A comment is not the place to unpack this, but it seems that we are seeing something very profound happening in relations between men and women, and my sense is that patriarchy is cracking at the seams, and failing all of us.
https://www.un.org/development/desa/pd/data/world-marriage-data
Oh my… you left me, discombobulated. I had no idea that coming back to the states to take care of mom, leaving a life I worked hard for. All the time spent making an old fishing boat home. Growing my business. My mom was like most moms. Hurting from a life of abuse. I held her hands. I cut up sponges into strips. Putting those wet
into her mouth, dry as a desert. She wasn’t conscience bUt if had been me I would have loved the sponges. I hate a dry mouth as she could no longer ask for ice chips. She slipped away during a warring fight with my sister I loved and hated. All the screaming I’m sure she still heard…
Oh Karen, such hard memories and such loving ones too. Sending you a big hug xx
Beautiful essay Jody! So, sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother. 💜
Thank you old friend! How the heck are you these days? Love, Jody x
Ahh, I’m well thanks Jody! Enjoying a little quiet time in Cornwall at the moment! Lovely to see you here! X
I've been living in rural Ireland for the last 6 years, rediscovering my half-Irish roots and putting down roots with my new partner. Been a long time since our Mastermind days! xx
That’s wonderful Jody, I read that you’re in West Cork, which is amazing. Sounds like you’re joyfully settled! I go back to Ireland a few times a year to catch up with family. That Mastermind (13 years ago) was brilliant and seemed to have a profound impact on so many of us - a springboard for our new directions. X
Ahh Jody… what a beautiful post… yes to everything you’ve said… I’m lucky that I’ve already sorted my POA and POMA as well as my will…
I’m also thinking of you whilst you travel the journey around losing both maternal figures within such a short space of time too.
Involuntary Childlessness definitely gets easier as one ages (providing work has been done to achieve this!) grateful I took the bull by the horns and decided I’d had enough years ago and kicked back.
So lovely to read your post and see your photos!
Love,
Mary xx
Ah Mary, how lovely to hear from you honey; you are in my mind and heart a lot.
It's good that it's been your experience that involuntary childlessness gets easier (if we've had the inclination, opportunity and support to do the work, absolutely!) That's been my experience too.
Life is taking a new shape for me, and I'm gradually working out what that is...
Hugs to you xxxx
I can't remember if I commented on this yet or not, but just in case I didn't... You have been through so much this past year! And this piece really brings that into focus so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this journey. <3
Dearest One - I know you are in the midst of it all too, and you are often in my thoughts, as is your Dad. Sending so much love, Jody x
Thank you!! xoxo
Crikey what a moving piece. I had never thought of my body being part of the cycle and will one day feed life in, a way to create life in a body that couldn’t make life. 💚
It was one of the biggest 'a-ha' moments of my childless recovery journey and released me from a great deal of pain and disconnection. I hope it lands well with you too. Hugs, Jody x
Thank you it did 💚 Hugs back xx
Jody, thank you for this post.
I cannot relate to being childless, as I have an amazing daughter and I'm fortunate to have an incredible mother, but your writing is very moving and speaks to me on some level.
Thank you Lisa; I'm honoured that you relate to it, even though we have very different perspectives... I guess there must be something universal that I'm expressing... as we're all going to die! Hugs, Jody x
XX
That we are.
Lots to relate to here, my mom died last Thursday, and I’m learning. Thank you.
I'm so sorry to hear that Susan - whatever our relationship to our mother might be, their deaths are a big fucking deal. Hugs, Jody x
Exactly. Incredible the roller coaster ride…
This was beautiful and impactful - thank you! As a single and childless person, this day is hasn't been easy for a long time, yet I always try and be polite about it (ah, conditioning!) But I turned 49 three days prior on May 9, and, buoyed by those who remembered when I didn't expect it - I volunteered to co-host the CC chat for an hour to find it was a LOT of fun - a first! Admittedly it wasn't until Feb. of this year that I discovered and dove in headfirst to your book and other Gateway content and the CC community. Now my (signed! ;-) copy lives on the coffee table full of yellow post-it tabs that get referred to quite a bit - and Charleston was an amazing experience unlike any other! As I contemplate the next decade and edge towards becoming an elder, your description of not being a biological mother in this lifetime, but finding expression for the archetypal mother energy in other ways, resonated very deeply and tenderly. The resolution for my new year is to try and rise above the day-to-day crazy while being more conscious and thoughtful about that going forward. xxoo
Thank you so much Marta for sharing how this day, and this essay landed with you. Certainly for me, starting (what was) the Gateway Women online community 13 years ago came out of my need for connection with other childless women who'd 'get' how hard it can sometimes be to be a childless woman in a family-focused world... and I'm thrilled that Katy has taken on that mantle and made it part of CC (The Childless Collective) to take it forward for the next generation. One of my main reasons for doing so was to free me up to explore the next stage of life without children - ageing without them, and also the many interwoven archetypal issues of ageing as a woman in our patriarchal culture... I was so happy to meet you in Charleston and I love the idea of my book on your coffee table. If you ever want to send me a photo of that, I'd love to see it - I love seeing my book 'out in the world'! Big Hugs, Jody x
Katy is absolutely wonderful - and you set her up with an excellent foundation! In my mid-late 30's, I did a lot of inner work to try and come to terms with being single and childless, and thought I'd done it all when I turned 40 in a good place. That illusion actually lasted several years, til an unexpected emergency hysterectomy happened in Dec. 2021. While I was fortunate to have very kind neighbors & friends on the physical convalescence side of things (family is all far away), I was wholly unprepared for the "f*cking rug" that was the emotional piece. Despite a few Zoom sessions with a Jungian-trained therapist in the months that followed, NOBODY called it grief until I read your book on my own this year. It was a game-changer in so many ways - and now I know my story isn't that uncommon. And more importantly, I now understand that childless grief will be with me forever, through all stages of life, and it's a matter of integrating it.
It doesn't look like I'm able to share coffee table photos here (I took 2 overnight!) - so I will email them to you. My humble abode is just outside of Washington DC (no dearth of crazy here!) but I do have a patio where I can grow things, and that little corner of my tiny apartment is my refuge!
I'm so sorry that the floor dropped out underneath you after your hysto (fucking rugs indeed!) and I'm so relieved that you found your way to my work. No matter how many times I hear stories like this it shocks me deeply that the therapeutic professions STILL don't 'get' that childlessness is a form of grief... Thank you for your lovely photos which I got by email :) xxxx
Great pic of you and your mother x
Thanks Anna x
Beautiful words and images Jody. Thank you xx
Thanks Tess xxx
This is such a beautiful piece, Judy, and the community you've created around your writing is such a strong, nurturing, dare I say maternal force. It's a wonderful thing to behold. As someone who lost her own mother at twelve, I've spent my life (I'm now 53) missing the nurturing relationship I lost. It's beautiful to see you offering warmth, love, kindness and understanding to your readers, and standing in the strength of your own offering. Thank you for what you do. 💕
Thank you Michelle for your warm support, and for appreciating the archetypal mothering energy that seems to come more naturally to me as I age... and move further and deeper from my childless grief xx
Thank you Jody. I will read your book again.
You are kind! It’s on p92 in the 2020 edition :) x
As always I find your writing comforting and enriching. Us childless women are so grateful for what you have done for us. Can I ask you a question - you said ‘I met the soul who would have been my child’, I’m not sure what you mean by that.
I write about the experience of when I 'met' the soul of the child that would have been my son whilst in St Paul's Cathedral in Chapter 4 of my book, 'Living the Life Unexpected'. It was a unsought-for mystical experience and very healing. Thank you for appreciating my writing, and my work x
Benign neglect. Yes, that encompasses it perfectly. Solid Gen X’er here too. My mom loves us, but has her own trauma. My dad loved us too, but both were emotionally unavailable. And filled with denial that our family was not perfect. They never took us to the doctor unless something was broken or we were pouring blood. My brother and I suffered the most. My sister did what was expected and is ‘the normal one’. I think that’s interesting, as many years later, we learned that nothing my brother and I are neurodivergent. Neither of us have kids either. But I am grown into a woman who is well ready to be part of the ‘modern matriarchy’.
Really enjoyed the read, Jody. 🩵
Thank you for your comment Heather. I too experienced neglect around illness, and nearly died from peritonitis from a burst appendix when I was 10 as it took so long for my parents to take my pain seriously and get me to hospital! (In fact I did die on the operating table and left my body, a classic 'NDE', but that's a story for another day...) I was an intellectually gifted child and I can only but wonder what more sympathetic, less traumatised/traumatising parenting could have done for me... but as I write in the piece, I wouldn't be 'me' had I been born to another, and I do feel like I have been shaped in a precise way to be useful in this time of collapse. I'm still not sure about 'modern matriarchy' (power over, of any kind, is abhorrent to me) but I would dearly love to see women's power and wisdom become part of our culture again, and for power-crazed patriarchs to relinquish their crazy kamikaze hold on our world!
OMGs, that’s beyond what we experienced - a ruptured appendix is very serious! We have Tourette Syndrome and mine was worse. It started in second grade and i suppressed it like crazy. By the time i was a teen, I seriously thought I was insane. I knew of no other reason someone would do these things. It wasn’t well known back in the ‘80s. I took myself to the doctor (as I’d been doing since I was 11) and got it sorted.
I was intellectually gifted too and the schools saw to that. But my high marks received no appreciation at home. They were expected and I was told if I’d studied I could’ve gotten 100% instead of ‘only’ 98%.
But you do make a good point. All the happenings and circumstances of my life have brought me to who I am - but largely because I fought for them. My brother did not fare as well. In his late 40s, he still lives with my mom, has no friends and is not dealing with his mental health issues.
And I see the Matriarchy’s return as a nurturing, loving, coming together to take action on the ills of the world. I certainly don’t want power over anyone myself.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jody. We are both, I feel, in the right place and at the right time.
Yes, I know of many people, including my ex-husband and my mother, who have had their lives utterly derailed by trauma... not everyone makes it through, that's for sure. xx
As I oft said, everyone has to make their own way anyway. Some fare better than others and really, we can only be the judges of that for ourselves.
Thank you for this wonderful essay.
Thank you so much for reading and appreciating Jenn x