I haven't had a drink of alcohol in almost 40 yrs--I had to quit or die--but it didn't take very long being dry to feel a sea-change for the better in my mind and body. Because I was alcoholic, it took some additional work to go deeper and rearrange the parts of my being that had made alcohol so attractive (and then necessary) to me, but I can truly say that my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk. And this, alone, has been reason enough for me to continue to choose not to consume alcohol. As I went deeper into healthcare and began to understand how alcohol consumption works in human metabolism, it became ever-clearer that it's simply not healthy. I appreciate the newly awakened cultural awareness of "Dry January," but am still aware of the incredibly strong role alcohol consumption plays in our society. And I shout out a "hurray!" for every article, blog post, and comment I read from those who are finding for--and in--themselves the way to freedom from taking part in a culture that's not in their best interest.
So much of this resonated! I have been on this drinking/not drinking hamster wheel for years since I first did Dry January in 2013. It was my son who suggested it - he was 17 at the time and he thought it might be good for me and stop me coming into his room at 10 at night and talking rubbish! Like you red wine is my main poison and it post menopause it really does not agree with me any more. Sadly I crashed and burned this dry January and the day before yesterday drank half a bottle of organic biodynamic red thinking it's natural credentials would be OK! Sadly not! I felt awful yesterday. Bad sleep, low mood, sluggish, stomach inflamed, headache etc. maybe I'll have more luck with Dry February!!
Debbie, I feel your pain with the 'maybe the biodynamic will be fine'. The body says 'nope'! I hope that things get easier for you with Dry February. Interesting that you have been on/off the wheel for over a decade... I wonder what it is that keeps up coming back when deep down we don't want to?
Alcohol has completely fallen by the wayside in my life in the past 5-10 years (coinciding with peri-menopause and also with becoming a yoga teacher). It was never a conscious decision, I just found myself more and more drawn to the feeling of clarity, energy and connection I experienced in myself without its presence in my life. It's like a fog has lifted and I can experience the world with greater presence. I have never looked back, and these days if I even take a sip of my partner's glass of pinot noir, it feels instantly noxious in my system. Slightly crazy that as a culture we have sanctioned and normalised this toxin to such an extent that it's widely considered abnormal not to drink! I think the tide is slowly turning though and I notice I am so much more drawn to socialising with other people who don't drink. Thanks for sharing your experiences Jody.
When I was trying to get pregnant, I would indulge (read: overindulge) with alcohol every time my period came. And later, as I unevenly came to grips with the fact that I was never going to be pregnant, never have children, well, it wasn't just during my period. It got very bad and dark there for a long while. Quitting alcohol has been really profound part of my coming to a place of peace and joy in my life as it is, without children.
Like you, Jody, I'm doing things that are an investment in aging with as much vitality and ease as possible. As you mentioned in another comment, that's something everyone, parent or not, should do as much as they can! One thing I'm doing is cultivating a circle of friends of various ages (mostly but not all childless) who are actively committed to supporting one another. We are listed as each others' powers of attorney, emergency contacts, and/or will executor; we talk about (and sometimes even research) different living arrangements we could try as we age, what they would cost, how feasible they'd be; and we already show up for each other during temporary care-needing situations in ways that "usually" only "family" would do. I am committed to helping not just my parents and mother-in-law and aunts and uncles as they age, but I also have firm and meaningful commitments to many of my older childless friends to help them as well. I hope that as I myself come to need different living arrangements and more intensive care, I'll have access to it, whether it's from younger friends or caregiving professionals (or first one then the other, or a combination).
Was getting close to the fine line a few years ago… made an ass of myself a couple times, so I just quit drinking.. it was easy for me. I feel better and I don’t miss it at all.. sober me is a better human being.. ( thought after a year that a vodka martini would taste good.. but no.. have lost my taste. I grew up in a culture of wine tastings, martinis, and wine with dinner.. but need it no longer)
Good for you Ann! I haven't made an arse of myself for many years in that way (I can do that sober anyway!). Interesting how you've lost the taste for it. I think the realisation for me that I'm not really 'giving up' anything... just taking something unnecessary out of my life feels liberating. I love that 'sober you is a better human being'. I'm really hoping that the same holds for me. Thank you x
This is great. I developed a glass-of-wine-a-day habit during the Covid years (roughly 2020 to early 2022 by my reckoning.) It was never excessive but it did cross that line from a thing I wanted in my mind to a thing I needed. This summer I decided to go without and replace with other routines. And I discovered that I not only was I able to lose the habit but also lose the desire. I haven’t totally given up on wine but it is back to being an occasional thing.
I'm happy that you have lost the desire so fully. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that once I start drinking again, within a couple of weeks it becomes semi-regular again... and I'm back on the wine even though it disagrees with my body. So this time I'm hoping I can break the habit for good. I love the mental clarity already of not having to think about whether to drink or not - I can use that headspace for my writing instead!
Totally makes sense. It surprises me a bit too that the desire is gone: I might think of it in passing, but not to the point that I actually go to the store and re-stock! I think I was able to find routines for relaxing/mindfulness that didn’t involve drinking, that was key.
My husband doesn’t drink (he can’t, it is very bad for his health) and to me, it doesn’t look like he is missing out on much at all!
I need to dig into the comments on this piece, Jody, so apologies if I repeat what's already been said. I'm writing about my own changing relationship with alcohol for tomorrow's post (definitely something in the air now dry Jan is over?!) and in particular what it's like to live with a sober spouse when I still drink. I, too, have been drawn to that Madeleine Dore quote, and wonder about the gestation period (a fermentation of another kind) happening in me as I consider deeply just whether alcohol serves me. When and how I might drink if I choose to. What it means for my relationship, too. Thank you for writing this.
Really looking forward to your piece tomorrow. I've noticed that during my periods of not-drinking in the past, my partner (and his mother who lives with us) has also drunk much less! There is definitely a behavioural piece around this too. My ex husband is in recovery from addiction/alcoholism and I found that I felt quite uncomfortable, confronted and maybe even a little bit scared about drinking in front of him?
I can understand that, Jody. Drinking around someone who is in recovery (my dad in my case) brought up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings for me, too. I can only imagine what it would've been like to be married to one. My husband's sobriety is slightly less dramatic. I'll say more tomorrow.
Anyway, I was at a party just last night where the host was a sober person and my husband wasn't drinking. I had one glass of wine while my other friends went for it with cocktails and fizz... We left at 10.30 and I was on the treadmill by 9am. Not a humblebrag, I hope, but a noteworthy moment for me that I was able to have what I wanted and not jump on a bandwagon I'd later regret. Anyway, yes. Behaviours, enabling... So much to discuss!
I come from a long line of alcoholics. I have four brothers in recovery. I stopped drinking two years ago after I was diagnosed with cancer and had a stem cell transplant. I've decided there's no nutritional content to alcohol and my new immune system deserves nothing but good stuff. Don't miss drinking, except beer. But I found a great non alcoholic one made by Stella
I looks like we're on a similar learning curve. I too have experimented over the years with dry seasons because drinking interferes with my sleep, patience and moods, and like you, the red wine doesn't sit as nicely as it used to! I also like myself100% better when I'm not drinking. I do sugar binge at the start, but then I kind of level out. I typically go dry from January 1 to April 1, but I am considering never going back. I always regret it.
I've done January-March before but this time I'm heading for a whole year, and hopefully a total switch to sobriety. The second month is proving harder than the first so far as I'm on holiday and really associate those with the occasional long-soft-afternoons with wine... And will need to find a new way to really deeply relax!
It's was so refreshing to read your journey to becoming a non-drinker. I've disliked drinking all my life and went through a spate of drinking for about a decade when I lived with an ex-partner, and even then, it all seemed as if I was living the lie. As someone that suffers from a sleep problem, has a mobility issue, and would like to keep her memory; giving up drinking has done wonders for my health and I also reduced my sugar in take recently, and it's really helped my mobility. I also reside in a country that looks down on drinking, even though it's becoming widely obtainable in most Muslim countries. Well done, Jody. I wish you all the best with your safe and healthy journey to making the choices that are good for you.
Thank you for taking time to comment - I'm half way through February and am on my first sober holiday and I confess it's been a challenge...
I have menopause/age-related hip issues and reducing inflammation will be the key... so I will no doubt be joining you on the reducing/no sugar front next!
Ah the synchronicity of Substack strikes again! Thank you for sharing this. It's a lovely exploration and one that resonated with me too. I just wrote my own piece about alcohol and stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. I love that you're curious instead of anxious - I feel like that was finally the key for me too - sobriety being an investigation instead of a punishment. I feel lucky to be here with you.
I just read your piece and see how you’ve been wrestling with your relationship with alcohol for some time - and the many paradoxes contained within that! Thank you for sharing those with me - right now I’m on day 1 of my first sober holiday and have been out to dinner in Spain… and didn’t drink. I actually feel a little drunk on the life sober thrill of that! x
Thank you for sharing! I’ve decided to be sober as well. I don’t have a drinking problem, but like you I’m a child and grand-daughter of alcoholics. It’s on both sides of my family, and my mother chose to sober because of it.
My issue with drinking is that it only takes one drink to be totally buzzed, and with two drinks I’m hammered. My tongue gets loose. Sure, I’m funny as all get out, but I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my mental faculties.
And…one day of having a few drinks will make the scale go up 2-5 pounds and my post-menopausal body takes weeks to get it off.
So much in this piece I can relate to. And I do have a child! My drinking has simply tapered off over the last 5-10 years to where I rarely drink at all. I think I just don’t like how my body feels, especially as I’ve gotten older. My body just doesn’t process alcohol as well. I’m lucky with alcohol that it’s never been hard for me to not drink. Food and overeating is my nemesis. I like myself a whole hell of a lot better when I eat well as part of self-care. I’m one of those parents you speak of who might have an adult child with care needs himself, but still TBD. He’s autistic and our only child and my wife and I are older parents. I’ve had a few older friends in my life, often from the LGBTQ community, who are childless and I’ve watched them age. Many of whom have younger friends, community, that function like children. I sometimes wonder if that will be me. This week I was thinking we should move to a country with better elder care. Anyway, not your situations per se, but I loved reading this and related to much of it.
Thank you for relating and commenting... and it's true that particularly for women, our ability to metabolize alchohol reduces with age. I have struggled with eating issues much of my life and I spent a couple of years going to meetings for OA (Overeaters Anon), which is a 12-Step program for every kind of disordered eating, not just overeating. I learned a lot about myself and about why I 'used' food as a crutch, and it was a huge help to me.
I'm sorry to hear that your son is struggling, and that you and your wife are both sitting with the possibility that he may always need additional support going forward. I agree that the LGBTQIA community have been queering eldercare for a long time (as my friend/mentor Stella Duffy would say!) and I take heart from that. The difference for straight folks without kids, particularly those of us who perhaps didn't 'end up' childless until our mid-late forties, is that we haven't spent our thirties and beyond investing in those kinds of alternative close relationships (yet), although I do think childfree by choice folks are onto this much sooner.
It will be a big piece of my work professionally over the next 20 years learning how to create this for myself, and how to pilot ways to help other create these kinds of alternative kinship networks in our local communties. Because I think we ALL need them, not just those of us without children... I did write a couple of paragraphs about this in my essay, but took it out as it's a book of its own! I've been working on it for a while, and will be sharing more on my Substack when I've developed my reseach/thinking a bit more...
With regard to eldercare, I'm not sure which 'country' you are thinking of moving to because apart from some Scandinavian countries, 40 years of neoliberalism has utterly eviscerated state-sponsored eldercare in most European countries, and I know from my North American friends that it's the same there... I think we're all going to have to figure out together a local, home-grown, intentional way to care for ourselves, our loved ones, our friends and our neighbours... It is possible, but it won't happen unless we make it happen...
I’ve been (mostly)dry since July, after a loooong back and forth with myself about my relationship with alcohol. Ultimately morning pages (one of those morning habits you mentioned, lol) and a friend I texted asking for directions to a guillotine soI could escape the negativity in my head convinced me to quit.
I initially thought I could take a break from it, then develop a healthier relationship with it. However, a coworker gifted me a bottle of Cabernet for Christmas, and I decided to see how it felt after 5 months of sobriety. Well, I drank the entire bottle in one night, and wasn’t face down on the floor. Tipsy but fine. I wanted more. I didn’t like the feeling of a bottomless craving that showed up. I realized before going to bed that I would never be able to enjoy one glass of wine. Once I have one, I want ALL the glasses of wine. If I don’t have any, that craving doesn’t show up. And neither do the super dark negative thoughts. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but it’s a hell of a lot better than when I drink regularly. So I like myself better too. A LOT better. I don’t plan on picking up the habit again. Now I just need to learn how to give myself permission to relax without it. That’s my biggest challenge.
Hi Jules - that 'bottomless craving' sounds pretty scary... I know that one of the AA slogans around booze is something like, 'one glass is a glass too many and a thousand glasses is never enough' - and your awareness of that sounds super smart. Sounds like your sober curious self has been showing up in your morning pages too... Learning to relax without booze, deeply relax and switch off... that's something I'm working on too. And as for developing a kinder inner dialogue, the thing that has helped me the most with that over the last 15 years has been around noticing and softening my inner voice though the practice of self compassion... which is a hugely practical and simple process. If you haven't yet read it, 'Self Compassion' by Kristin Neff (also her YouTube talks) is accessible and so on-point! Hugs, Jody x
I just realized I HAVE her book! I recognized her story about her beautiful mustache, watching one of her talks on YouTube. I’ve had her book for probably twelve years. I guess it’s time to read it again 😁.
Yeah, it’s not a good feeling. I think I was only vaguely aware of the bottomless nature of the craving before I quit, and also began practicing mindfulness and meditation. I’ve become much more adept at noticing what’s really happening in my mind and body since practicing mindfulness.
Thank you for the book and YouTube recommendation, I will definitely check those out.
I’ve joined a few creative communities (I believe the first one, a twelve week Artist’s Way program, strongly aided me in my decision to quit drinking). I’m currently in both a community for writing, and one for painting, both run by the same woman. While I don’t necessarily relax 100% and switch off, I do relax a lot and enjoy my time creating, so that’s my current trick for not being ‘on’ all the time.
Thank you for taking the time for such a long reply!
Sorry I missed this comment Jules - my last few months have been a rollercoaster of eldercare, dying and death which have been pretty all-consuming! Now coming out the other side and am home after my 93 year old mother in law's memorial service earlier this week in England and gradually recalibrating life in a house without her in it... xxx
No worried at all, Jody! I’m honestly astonished you came back and read this. It sounds like you’ve had far more than enough on your plate. Take your time recalibrating and getting some much needed rest.
Thanks Jules. Every comment has a person behind it, and just as I wouldn't ignore a person in real life (unless they were an a-hole!) I don't want to ignore anyone kind enough to give my writing their attention! Hugs, Jody x
I haven't had a drink of alcohol in almost 40 yrs--I had to quit or die--but it didn't take very long being dry to feel a sea-change for the better in my mind and body. Because I was alcoholic, it took some additional work to go deeper and rearrange the parts of my being that had made alcohol so attractive (and then necessary) to me, but I can truly say that my worst day sober is better than my best day drunk. And this, alone, has been reason enough for me to continue to choose not to consume alcohol. As I went deeper into healthcare and began to understand how alcohol consumption works in human metabolism, it became ever-clearer that it's simply not healthy. I appreciate the newly awakened cultural awareness of "Dry January," but am still aware of the incredibly strong role alcohol consumption plays in our society. And I shout out a "hurray!" for every article, blog post, and comment I read from those who are finding for--and in--themselves the way to freedom from taking part in a culture that's not in their best interest.
So much of this resonated! I have been on this drinking/not drinking hamster wheel for years since I first did Dry January in 2013. It was my son who suggested it - he was 17 at the time and he thought it might be good for me and stop me coming into his room at 10 at night and talking rubbish! Like you red wine is my main poison and it post menopause it really does not agree with me any more. Sadly I crashed and burned this dry January and the day before yesterday drank half a bottle of organic biodynamic red thinking it's natural credentials would be OK! Sadly not! I felt awful yesterday. Bad sleep, low mood, sluggish, stomach inflamed, headache etc. maybe I'll have more luck with Dry February!!
Debbie, I feel your pain with the 'maybe the biodynamic will be fine'. The body says 'nope'! I hope that things get easier for you with Dry February. Interesting that you have been on/off the wheel for over a decade... I wonder what it is that keeps up coming back when deep down we don't want to?
"How long are these people's mornings?" I howled! 🤣 I felt so understood reading this. Thank you! Signed, Childless GenX CatLady
Thank you for getting ME and my sense of humour! GenX cat and dog lady here x
Alcohol has completely fallen by the wayside in my life in the past 5-10 years (coinciding with peri-menopause and also with becoming a yoga teacher). It was never a conscious decision, I just found myself more and more drawn to the feeling of clarity, energy and connection I experienced in myself without its presence in my life. It's like a fog has lifted and I can experience the world with greater presence. I have never looked back, and these days if I even take a sip of my partner's glass of pinot noir, it feels instantly noxious in my system. Slightly crazy that as a culture we have sanctioned and normalised this toxin to such an extent that it's widely considered abnormal not to drink! I think the tide is slowly turning though and I notice I am so much more drawn to socialising with other people who don't drink. Thanks for sharing your experiences Jody.
Same! I love being in control of my mental faculties.
When I was trying to get pregnant, I would indulge (read: overindulge) with alcohol every time my period came. And later, as I unevenly came to grips with the fact that I was never going to be pregnant, never have children, well, it wasn't just during my period. It got very bad and dark there for a long while. Quitting alcohol has been really profound part of my coming to a place of peace and joy in my life as it is, without children.
Like you, Jody, I'm doing things that are an investment in aging with as much vitality and ease as possible. As you mentioned in another comment, that's something everyone, parent or not, should do as much as they can! One thing I'm doing is cultivating a circle of friends of various ages (mostly but not all childless) who are actively committed to supporting one another. We are listed as each others' powers of attorney, emergency contacts, and/or will executor; we talk about (and sometimes even research) different living arrangements we could try as we age, what they would cost, how feasible they'd be; and we already show up for each other during temporary care-needing situations in ways that "usually" only "family" would do. I am committed to helping not just my parents and mother-in-law and aunts and uncles as they age, but I also have firm and meaningful commitments to many of my older childless friends to help them as well. I hope that as I myself come to need different living arrangements and more intensive care, I'll have access to it, whether it's from younger friends or caregiving professionals (or first one then the other, or a combination).
So smart! I’m lucky I have great adult kids, but my friends are also my family.
Was getting close to the fine line a few years ago… made an ass of myself a couple times, so I just quit drinking.. it was easy for me. I feel better and I don’t miss it at all.. sober me is a better human being.. ( thought after a year that a vodka martini would taste good.. but no.. have lost my taste. I grew up in a culture of wine tastings, martinis, and wine with dinner.. but need it no longer)
Good for you Ann! I haven't made an arse of myself for many years in that way (I can do that sober anyway!). Interesting how you've lost the taste for it. I think the realisation for me that I'm not really 'giving up' anything... just taking something unnecessary out of my life feels liberating. I love that 'sober you is a better human being'. I'm really hoping that the same holds for me. Thank you x
Heard Jane Fonda say she doesn’t drink anymore as it takes days to recover from one drink.. now I understand! 👍🏽
Same! I feel like garbage after on drink, and I make a complete ass of my self on two drinks. No more!
This is great. I developed a glass-of-wine-a-day habit during the Covid years (roughly 2020 to early 2022 by my reckoning.) It was never excessive but it did cross that line from a thing I wanted in my mind to a thing I needed. This summer I decided to go without and replace with other routines. And I discovered that I not only was I able to lose the habit but also lose the desire. I haven’t totally given up on wine but it is back to being an occasional thing.
I'm happy that you have lost the desire so fully. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that once I start drinking again, within a couple of weeks it becomes semi-regular again... and I'm back on the wine even though it disagrees with my body. So this time I'm hoping I can break the habit for good. I love the mental clarity already of not having to think about whether to drink or not - I can use that headspace for my writing instead!
Totally makes sense. It surprises me a bit too that the desire is gone: I might think of it in passing, but not to the point that I actually go to the store and re-stock! I think I was able to find routines for relaxing/mindfulness that didn’t involve drinking, that was key.
My husband doesn’t drink (he can’t, it is very bad for his health) and to me, it doesn’t look like he is missing out on much at all!
I need to dig into the comments on this piece, Jody, so apologies if I repeat what's already been said. I'm writing about my own changing relationship with alcohol for tomorrow's post (definitely something in the air now dry Jan is over?!) and in particular what it's like to live with a sober spouse when I still drink. I, too, have been drawn to that Madeleine Dore quote, and wonder about the gestation period (a fermentation of another kind) happening in me as I consider deeply just whether alcohol serves me. When and how I might drink if I choose to. What it means for my relationship, too. Thank you for writing this.
Really looking forward to your piece tomorrow. I've noticed that during my periods of not-drinking in the past, my partner (and his mother who lives with us) has also drunk much less! There is definitely a behavioural piece around this too. My ex husband is in recovery from addiction/alcoholism and I found that I felt quite uncomfortable, confronted and maybe even a little bit scared about drinking in front of him?
I can understand that, Jody. Drinking around someone who is in recovery (my dad in my case) brought up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings for me, too. I can only imagine what it would've been like to be married to one. My husband's sobriety is slightly less dramatic. I'll say more tomorrow.
Anyway, I was at a party just last night where the host was a sober person and my husband wasn't drinking. I had one glass of wine while my other friends went for it with cocktails and fizz... We left at 10.30 and I was on the treadmill by 9am. Not a humblebrag, I hope, but a noteworthy moment for me that I was able to have what I wanted and not jump on a bandwagon I'd later regret. Anyway, yes. Behaviours, enabling... So much to discuss!
I come from a long line of alcoholics. I have four brothers in recovery. I stopped drinking two years ago after I was diagnosed with cancer and had a stem cell transplant. I've decided there's no nutritional content to alcohol and my new immune system deserves nothing but good stuff. Don't miss drinking, except beer. But I found a great non alcoholic one made by Stella
Hope your cancer is gone for good! Stay well!
I looks like we're on a similar learning curve. I too have experimented over the years with dry seasons because drinking interferes with my sleep, patience and moods, and like you, the red wine doesn't sit as nicely as it used to! I also like myself100% better when I'm not drinking. I do sugar binge at the start, but then I kind of level out. I typically go dry from January 1 to April 1, but I am considering never going back. I always regret it.
I've done January-March before but this time I'm heading for a whole year, and hopefully a total switch to sobriety. The second month is proving harder than the first so far as I'm on holiday and really associate those with the occasional long-soft-afternoons with wine... And will need to find a new way to really deeply relax!
It's was so refreshing to read your journey to becoming a non-drinker. I've disliked drinking all my life and went through a spate of drinking for about a decade when I lived with an ex-partner, and even then, it all seemed as if I was living the lie. As someone that suffers from a sleep problem, has a mobility issue, and would like to keep her memory; giving up drinking has done wonders for my health and I also reduced my sugar in take recently, and it's really helped my mobility. I also reside in a country that looks down on drinking, even though it's becoming widely obtainable in most Muslim countries. Well done, Jody. I wish you all the best with your safe and healthy journey to making the choices that are good for you.
Thank you for taking time to comment - I'm half way through February and am on my first sober holiday and I confess it's been a challenge...
I have menopause/age-related hip issues and reducing inflammation will be the key... so I will no doubt be joining you on the reducing/no sugar front next!
Ah the synchronicity of Substack strikes again! Thank you for sharing this. It's a lovely exploration and one that resonated with me too. I just wrote my own piece about alcohol and stopped drinking 3 weeks ago. I love that you're curious instead of anxious - I feel like that was finally the key for me too - sobriety being an investigation instead of a punishment. I feel lucky to be here with you.
I just read your piece and see how you’ve been wrestling with your relationship with alcohol for some time - and the many paradoxes contained within that! Thank you for sharing those with me - right now I’m on day 1 of my first sober holiday and have been out to dinner in Spain… and didn’t drink. I actually feel a little drunk on the life sober thrill of that! x
Thank you for sharing! I’ve decided to be sober as well. I don’t have a drinking problem, but like you I’m a child and grand-daughter of alcoholics. It’s on both sides of my family, and my mother chose to sober because of it.
My issue with drinking is that it only takes one drink to be totally buzzed, and with two drinks I’m hammered. My tongue gets loose. Sure, I’m funny as all get out, but I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my mental faculties.
And…one day of having a few drinks will make the scale go up 2-5 pounds and my post-menopausal body takes weeks to get it off.
Love all your reflections in this piece Jody. 'being a non-drinker makes me like myself more because it means I’m more fully on my own side'. Yes!
So much in this piece I can relate to. And I do have a child! My drinking has simply tapered off over the last 5-10 years to where I rarely drink at all. I think I just don’t like how my body feels, especially as I’ve gotten older. My body just doesn’t process alcohol as well. I’m lucky with alcohol that it’s never been hard for me to not drink. Food and overeating is my nemesis. I like myself a whole hell of a lot better when I eat well as part of self-care. I’m one of those parents you speak of who might have an adult child with care needs himself, but still TBD. He’s autistic and our only child and my wife and I are older parents. I’ve had a few older friends in my life, often from the LGBTQ community, who are childless and I’ve watched them age. Many of whom have younger friends, community, that function like children. I sometimes wonder if that will be me. This week I was thinking we should move to a country with better elder care. Anyway, not your situations per se, but I loved reading this and related to much of it.
Thank you for relating and commenting... and it's true that particularly for women, our ability to metabolize alchohol reduces with age. I have struggled with eating issues much of my life and I spent a couple of years going to meetings for OA (Overeaters Anon), which is a 12-Step program for every kind of disordered eating, not just overeating. I learned a lot about myself and about why I 'used' food as a crutch, and it was a huge help to me.
I'm sorry to hear that your son is struggling, and that you and your wife are both sitting with the possibility that he may always need additional support going forward. I agree that the LGBTQIA community have been queering eldercare for a long time (as my friend/mentor Stella Duffy would say!) and I take heart from that. The difference for straight folks without kids, particularly those of us who perhaps didn't 'end up' childless until our mid-late forties, is that we haven't spent our thirties and beyond investing in those kinds of alternative close relationships (yet), although I do think childfree by choice folks are onto this much sooner.
It will be a big piece of my work professionally over the next 20 years learning how to create this for myself, and how to pilot ways to help other create these kinds of alternative kinship networks in our local communties. Because I think we ALL need them, not just those of us without children... I did write a couple of paragraphs about this in my essay, but took it out as it's a book of its own! I've been working on it for a while, and will be sharing more on my Substack when I've developed my reseach/thinking a bit more...
With regard to eldercare, I'm not sure which 'country' you are thinking of moving to because apart from some Scandinavian countries, 40 years of neoliberalism has utterly eviscerated state-sponsored eldercare in most European countries, and I know from my North American friends that it's the same there... I think we're all going to have to figure out together a local, home-grown, intentional way to care for ourselves, our loved ones, our friends and our neighbours... It is possible, but it won't happen unless we make it happen...
Love all this! All so true.
I’ve been (mostly)dry since July, after a loooong back and forth with myself about my relationship with alcohol. Ultimately morning pages (one of those morning habits you mentioned, lol) and a friend I texted asking for directions to a guillotine soI could escape the negativity in my head convinced me to quit.
I initially thought I could take a break from it, then develop a healthier relationship with it. However, a coworker gifted me a bottle of Cabernet for Christmas, and I decided to see how it felt after 5 months of sobriety. Well, I drank the entire bottle in one night, and wasn’t face down on the floor. Tipsy but fine. I wanted more. I didn’t like the feeling of a bottomless craving that showed up. I realized before going to bed that I would never be able to enjoy one glass of wine. Once I have one, I want ALL the glasses of wine. If I don’t have any, that craving doesn’t show up. And neither do the super dark negative thoughts. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but it’s a hell of a lot better than when I drink regularly. So I like myself better too. A LOT better. I don’t plan on picking up the habit again. Now I just need to learn how to give myself permission to relax without it. That’s my biggest challenge.
Hi Jules - that 'bottomless craving' sounds pretty scary... I know that one of the AA slogans around booze is something like, 'one glass is a glass too many and a thousand glasses is never enough' - and your awareness of that sounds super smart. Sounds like your sober curious self has been showing up in your morning pages too... Learning to relax without booze, deeply relax and switch off... that's something I'm working on too. And as for developing a kinder inner dialogue, the thing that has helped me the most with that over the last 15 years has been around noticing and softening my inner voice though the practice of self compassion... which is a hugely practical and simple process. If you haven't yet read it, 'Self Compassion' by Kristin Neff (also her YouTube talks) is accessible and so on-point! Hugs, Jody x
I just realized I HAVE her book! I recognized her story about her beautiful mustache, watching one of her talks on YouTube. I’ve had her book for probably twelve years. I guess it’s time to read it again 😁.
Hi Jody,
Yeah, it’s not a good feeling. I think I was only vaguely aware of the bottomless nature of the craving before I quit, and also began practicing mindfulness and meditation. I’ve become much more adept at noticing what’s really happening in my mind and body since practicing mindfulness.
Thank you for the book and YouTube recommendation, I will definitely check those out.
I’ve joined a few creative communities (I believe the first one, a twelve week Artist’s Way program, strongly aided me in my decision to quit drinking). I’m currently in both a community for writing, and one for painting, both run by the same woman. While I don’t necessarily relax 100% and switch off, I do relax a lot and enjoy my time creating, so that’s my current trick for not being ‘on’ all the time.
Thank you for taking the time for such a long reply!
Sorry I missed this comment Jules - my last few months have been a rollercoaster of eldercare, dying and death which have been pretty all-consuming! Now coming out the other side and am home after my 93 year old mother in law's memorial service earlier this week in England and gradually recalibrating life in a house without her in it... xxx
No worried at all, Jody! I’m honestly astonished you came back and read this. It sounds like you’ve had far more than enough on your plate. Take your time recalibrating and getting some much needed rest.
Thanks Jules. Every comment has a person behind it, and just as I wouldn't ignore a person in real life (unless they were an a-hole!) I don't want to ignore anyone kind enough to give my writing their attention! Hugs, Jody x
That is a beautiful sentiment, and I appreciate it. So long as you have the bandwidth to come back to it, I’ll accept it 😁🖤.