As I wrote in my 3am Bag Lady Blues essay, the ‘Who’s going to be there for me when I’m old?’ thought is one that keeps many women without children awake. Doing the research for that piece, and reading the many thoughtful comments after it was published, I learned that it’s a fear that keeps many of us awake, whether we have children and partners or not, and actually regardless of our financial situation.
However, I do feel that those of us aging without adult children (for whatever reason) have to face those fears in the daytime too, because we simply don’t have the option to drift back into an unconscious fantasy that somehow, if it comes to it, our kids will help out. (Which as not-plans goes, isn’t always a good one.)
I often feel that one of the reasons society unconsciously fears and ‘others’ older women without children is that we represent an embodiment of human vulnerability as we age.
But it’s not actually dying we’re scared of, it’s living in vulnerability, and not having the relationships in place that might bear the weight of those vulnerabilities should we need them.
And so I really hope you enjoy this video discussion between eight nomocrones (nomo = not mother + crone is not an insult!) from their mid-fifties to late-seventies, in which we explore the issues, fears, realities and possible solutions. We look at our stories and situations from multiple angles from the practical to the metaphysical, and we don’t shy away from tackling the crunchy stuff such as health, creating alternative communities of care, housing, finances, loneliness, lack of intimacy, purpose and meaning. There is no one-answer-fits-all to aging without children (or with), because we each become more and more differentiated as we age, not less.
Thank you to my guests:
Vicki Robin (US) is almost 80 and a prolific social innovator, writer and speaker. As well as a best-selling author, she is co-founder of Conversation Cafes and the 10-Day Local Food Challenge, and hosts the podcast/YouTube series, What Could Possibly Go Right? Currently, she’s exploring ‘the unmapped territory from older to elder’ on her Substack Coming of Aging. Vicki serves on the Board of the Post Carbon Institute and lives by herself on Whidbey Island in Washington State, USA.
Donna Ward (AUS) is 70 and is a writer, editor, publisher and former psychotherapist from Western Australia who now lives in Melbourne. She is the author of a 2020 memoir She I Dare Not Name: A Spinster’s Meditations on Life, published by Allen & Unwin Australia and the CEO of a new campaigning organisation, Singlehood Australia.
Sue Fagalde Lick (US) is in her early 70s and is the author of numerous books, including most recently her memoir No Way Out of This: Loving a Partner with Alzheimer’s about her marriage to Fred, his decline, her life whilst being his sole carer and his death. A musician and singer, she lives alone in rural Oregon and writes a Substack about her experience of ‘solo ageing’ called Can I Do It Alone?
Julie Greenan (UK) is 70 and has recently started sharing her writing on Substack. She’s single, having been married and had several long-term relationships in the past and has no children, but prefers to avoid categorising herself as either childless or childfree. Julie’s been a regular panellist on stages and podcasts discussing her experience of being single and childless, and is an active member of the Childless Collective (formerly Gateway Women) online community.
Carol Scott (UK) is in her mid-60s and is a therapist with extensive experience working with those who are childless-not-by-choice. She is currently writing a book about becoming single after the end of a long relationship, with the working title of ‘Beyond Break Up’ which includes a chapter on being single and childless not by choice.
Susan Dowrie (AUS) is in her early 60s and a long-time member of the Childless Collective (formerly Gateway Women) Online Community, as well as having hosted the Brisbane Gathering for members for several years. Susan describes herself as an ‘unapologetic Spinster’ and is single and childless due to not meeting the right man. She has recently sold her home of many years and is exploring solo van life on the road in Australia.
Ruth Berkowitz (US) is in her mid-fifties and is a Holistic Well-being Coach for childless-not-by-choice people and an Insight Meditation Teacher. Within the Childless Collective (formerly Gateway Women) online community, Ruth hosts its Mispacha group for childless Jewish women.
The written transcript below has been lightly edited for clarity. It’s a lot of work (and expense) to produce, so I’ve made it paid content, as most of my work is unpaid. However, if you’d like to access the content and can’t afford a paid subscription, please let me know and I’ll happily offer you a reduced or free ‘paid’ subscription.
