Thank you so much for your words. 45 and childless, I am in the brambles of that so-tough decade. As they have done many times before, your words draw me back to the path (wild and stony though it is, with brambles either side and also, with that, blackberries and apples and beautiful rosebay willowherb (I know I'm mixing my seasons!). They remind me that beyond these tough times there is life and creativity and hope and joy. My system settles as I read your words - and my energy rises as I take on your message: Permission to be Angry! Permission to Give Fewer Fucks and be myself.
Dear Emma - I love your description of the road less travelled - scratching and impeding you with it's flagrant fecundity! I'm so glad my words bring you some peace; it was such a mission of mine to stay in the childless 'space' long after I needed it in order to be there for those coming up behind... to be a big sister to younger childless women and now, as I hit 60, mabye even on my way to become a (sometimes) wise elder! Hugs, Jody x
In my experience of unwanted childlessness, I’ve found that it delays movement into mature adulthood. When my friend’s kids were graduating from highschool I was still waiting for a child and envisioning myself as a new mother. At 76, I can feel that I’m still taking on more of my for myself in the world!
Thanks Hazel and yes, I know this can be the experience for some childless women... in my own experience, the profound dark night of the soul of the grieving process I went through (which was about many endings and losses, including childlessness) grew me up big time... and the lessons I learned from grieving (and the skills that I've learned from grieving) have oriented me towards an interest in endings and losses that is often more associated with old age... but I also know many old people (my dead-mother and others) who remained emotionally immature to the end! It sounds like you are happy about 'taking on more for yourself' and why the hell not? I intend to keep learning, and hopefully keep sharing what I'm learning, for as long as I can too! x
Happy 60th Birthday 🎂 🥳! I also turned 60 this month and share your sense of relief at shedding old identities. Thank you for this beautiful post. You express it so well. Now that I'm a "pensioner", or would have been under the old system, I've decided to consciously let go of any driven-ness in terms of having to do or achieve things and to allow myself just to be without any sense of guilt or of missing out. There is a desperation in many people nowadays to have a "full life" in terms of cramming as much as possible into every moment. It creates a desperation that is never alleviated because there's always more to be done, the bucket list is forever expanding. As an elder we have the luxury of embracing being rather than relentlessly doing. We are HUMAN BEINGS after all. I, too, have seriously pissed of some people in my family by refusing to remain in my allocated role. They probably see me as the "loathly elder woman", and I would take that as a compliment.
I think the day I realised that when I die, there will still be things on my to-do list, something inside me went... ahhhhh... stop trying to 'get on top of things; it's an illusion'. I used to be a manic list writer, these days I too am slowing down outwardly... although inwardly I'm going a billion miles an hour! Here's to being loathesome :) x
Happy birthday! I enjoyed this piece a lot, but I just cannot identify with this bit:
"This time, however, it won’t be a phoenix rising from the ashes but a shaggy, baggy hooded crow, the ugly and wily one with the old woman’s shapeshifting gift of invisibility: Badhbh my people called her, fearing her call that presaged death."
When I reached 60, my life transformed and I think it was akin to a phoenix rising from the ashes as I started to embrace, and do, what I have always longed to do (music). This is continually opening new doors and evolving - I'm writing about music, too, and getting writing commissions plus DJ gigs. As well as this, I am gainfully employed, teaching creative writing, which I love. It took me until I was 60 to change my life and go in this direction, and it's kind of age-proof, too. I know a creative writing teacher of 90-odd years old, while the music community is as inclusive as they come. I went out to a regular local club night last night, full of people of all ages and backgrounds. I had a wonderful time and was asked to dance several times. I am just as happy dancing on my own, alongside others, but just wanted to make the point that I don't think 'shaggy, baggy and ugly' apply to my life at the moment - and I'm 62 now.
Thank you for your birthday wishes Becca! To your point about Badhbh, I had already risen 'like a phoenix' from the ashes at 48 and, at the time of writing this piece, I was on the cusp of burnout. I didn't feel I had another one in me! Now, at 60, and on the other side of the transformation I was sensing was underway, I still don't feel like a phoenix, but nor do I fear (quite so much) the idea of being a very, very old woman. I see the power of 'ugliness' and 'invisibility', hidden in the shadow of ageism by our culture (and which I've written about in recent essays: 'Men Don't Age Better Than Women: They're Just Allowed To', and 'Who is That Old Woman in the Mirror'. As a writer and therapist, I feel deeply grateful that both of my professions are ones where I'm 'allowed' to get old. Like you, I'm not 'shaggy, baggy and ugly' yet, but one day I will be, and I don't fear it the way I once did.
A very happy birthday Jody, I hope you had a truly joyful celebration as you entered into the third act 😃 Grateful, as ever, for your voice out there in the world. Sending love x
I love this so much that I’m actually going to print it off so that I can read it thoroughly, digest it all and make notes!!! I have difficulty absorbing when reading from a screen and really want to absorb what you are saying here. I was 64 this week and am still slightly in shock - how did that happen?!
Well, if that's not a huge compliment for a writer I don't know what is? Thank you! And as for the 'slightly in shock' bit, you might want to read my 'Who is that Old Woman in the Mirror?' post! Jody x
What a wonderful meditation on this time of life... I feel more peaceful and centred reading it. Autumn has always been my favourite season and this season of my life feels exciting in a calm and steady way... xx
Happy Birthday Jodie. What a fabulous gift your writing is for all of us. Such honesty, thank you. I can relate to much of what you say about transformations as we age and being a childless older woman, however, that was through choice in my case. Nevertheless, thank you for expressing what so many of us feel. 🙏😊
Thank you so much Simone! I think as we age, the distinctions between childless and childfree can soften... I see it more as a spectrum than a binary these days. In many ways, I feel 'childfree' inside (having mourned and integrated the absence of my children) but I choose to call myself childless both out of respect for the healing journey I've been on, and for the different path childfree by choice women have taken. I really appreciate you letting me know that you find my work so relatable xx
"childless adopted mother " is not a thing btw unless we by osmosis accept a sexist trope to identify a woman's value as a person. Women are so critical of our sex - and sadly put men before our sisters and our own value as born women way too often -in my humble opinion.
well Scorcese and Eastwood - men of a certain much older vintage aren't talking their finite philosophical endings - just saying women are truly our own architects too surely at a mere fit 60 your demise should not loom so large but that said lovely turns of language
I explore this more fully in my essay "Men don't age better than women; they're just allowed to". I am comfortable thinking and talking about demise and death; they are part of life!
I did read it -and get it.But i've observed we women, including me are way too harsh on our own sex at our own expense; I'm all for your own appraisal in the egoless way too -without the narcissism sure; Im attempting just a good little aside not a jib or a jumping down ya throat critique.
What a beautiful birthday photo of you and your longtime friends, Jody. I love “the crow on my shoulder that doesn’t give a fuck about permission” with every fiber of my being - my brain might need to borrow that image, a lot!! But I’m so glad you listened to her. The husband of a good friend of mine turned 55 earlier this month and he felt it very deeply, too.
And I appreciate the “chucking out-of-date spices” in letting identities go, also - while I actually did complete a couple of marathons in decades past (great experiences, for which my feet are still paying a hefty price!) - the 26.2 sticker is still on my car, but that’s a gentler way of framing many other things I’d hoped to accomplish and didn’t. I’m also hopeful 50 next year provides some opportunities to re-think all this - and I’m so happy you had such nice celebrations!
Thank you Marta and I found turning 50 to be a great relief (my 40s were tough, as they are for so many of us childless not by choice); what surprised me most at 55 was the sense of some deep internal reorientation beginning to take place, like a huge archetypal ocean liner slowly changing direction... and the awareness that there was more of life behind me than ahead of me... Well done for the marathon running - after 2 years of being unable to exercise due to back pain (from the gym!) I'm just grateful to be able to attend Pilates again! xx
How nice to hear that 50 was a relief - I can start to sense a bit of that and there are indeed many things about my 40’s that I’ll be glad to see in the rear view mirror.
Pilates is wonderful…I have an “elder” neighbor & friend who lives in my apartment building - she’s 89 and amazing and says swimming was what helped her the most through menopause, so I’m on it! Like your partner’s mother, she’s also very interested in the present (but is an encyclopedia of literature of the past, and does like to tell stories!) xoxo
Happy 60th birthday! What a beautifully written essay. Your grief is palpable, and your insights are first-rate.
I also left a bad marriage to which I devoted (read wasted) my 20s and 30s. In my 30s, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, so I was grateful to be alive in my 40s. However, my breasts had to be removed and reconstructed, and I felt grief for them and for all the losses I endured. And premature menopause was a temporary detour in my dream of having children.
When I adopted my daughter, I was 47, and that qualifies me as an "old" mother. I won't be a grandmother (she plans on being childless by choice and even if she changes her mind, I won't be around for that.)
And it's perfectly acceptable to piss people off. What frustrates me are the aches and pains that assail me -- an arthritic back, loss of balance, etc. Since breast cancer, I have always felt old before my time. Now I really am getting old. Oy.
Dear Beth - I've heard about the accelerated ageing from surgical menopause from other post-cancer friends too and we don't hear enough about it. The dynamic is all about 'beating' cancer, as if that's it and we can all go home... Thank you, as always, for bringing your perspective as a childless adoptive mother, it's so very much appreciated by me. Hugs, Jody x
Beautifully crafted writing. Thank you for painting the threshold year of The Wise Woman/Crone/Winter phase of life. Currently in my Autumn Wild Woman perimenopause and it is beautiful to hear from someone up the trail from me. Thank you. And Happy Burthday! If interested, I just wrote a piece about Phases and Life Seasons. It's called, "Is it 'Just a phase'?"
Thank you so much for your words. 45 and childless, I am in the brambles of that so-tough decade. As they have done many times before, your words draw me back to the path (wild and stony though it is, with brambles either side and also, with that, blackberries and apples and beautiful rosebay willowherb (I know I'm mixing my seasons!). They remind me that beyond these tough times there is life and creativity and hope and joy. My system settles as I read your words - and my energy rises as I take on your message: Permission to be Angry! Permission to Give Fewer Fucks and be myself.
Dear Emma - I love your description of the road less travelled - scratching and impeding you with it's flagrant fecundity! I'm so glad my words bring you some peace; it was such a mission of mine to stay in the childless 'space' long after I needed it in order to be there for those coming up behind... to be a big sister to younger childless women and now, as I hit 60, mabye even on my way to become a (sometimes) wise elder! Hugs, Jody x
I have such gratitude for you, and for all the Nomocrones and your fire and wisdom. xx
Jody,
In my experience of unwanted childlessness, I’ve found that it delays movement into mature adulthood. When my friend’s kids were graduating from highschool I was still waiting for a child and envisioning myself as a new mother. At 76, I can feel that I’m still taking on more of my for myself in the world!
Hazel
Thanks Hazel and yes, I know this can be the experience for some childless women... in my own experience, the profound dark night of the soul of the grieving process I went through (which was about many endings and losses, including childlessness) grew me up big time... and the lessons I learned from grieving (and the skills that I've learned from grieving) have oriented me towards an interest in endings and losses that is often more associated with old age... but I also know many old people (my dead-mother and others) who remained emotionally immature to the end! It sounds like you are happy about 'taking on more for yourself' and why the hell not? I intend to keep learning, and hopefully keep sharing what I'm learning, for as long as I can too! x
Happy 60th Birthday 🎂 🥳! I also turned 60 this month and share your sense of relief at shedding old identities. Thank you for this beautiful post. You express it so well. Now that I'm a "pensioner", or would have been under the old system, I've decided to consciously let go of any driven-ness in terms of having to do or achieve things and to allow myself just to be without any sense of guilt or of missing out. There is a desperation in many people nowadays to have a "full life" in terms of cramming as much as possible into every moment. It creates a desperation that is never alleviated because there's always more to be done, the bucket list is forever expanding. As an elder we have the luxury of embracing being rather than relentlessly doing. We are HUMAN BEINGS after all. I, too, have seriously pissed of some people in my family by refusing to remain in my allocated role. They probably see me as the "loathly elder woman", and I would take that as a compliment.
I think the day I realised that when I die, there will still be things on my to-do list, something inside me went... ahhhhh... stop trying to 'get on top of things; it's an illusion'. I used to be a manic list writer, these days I too am slowing down outwardly... although inwardly I'm going a billion miles an hour! Here's to being loathesome :) x
Someone's got to do it!
Happy birthday! I enjoyed this piece a lot, but I just cannot identify with this bit:
"This time, however, it won’t be a phoenix rising from the ashes but a shaggy, baggy hooded crow, the ugly and wily one with the old woman’s shapeshifting gift of invisibility: Badhbh my people called her, fearing her call that presaged death."
When I reached 60, my life transformed and I think it was akin to a phoenix rising from the ashes as I started to embrace, and do, what I have always longed to do (music). This is continually opening new doors and evolving - I'm writing about music, too, and getting writing commissions plus DJ gigs. As well as this, I am gainfully employed, teaching creative writing, which I love. It took me until I was 60 to change my life and go in this direction, and it's kind of age-proof, too. I know a creative writing teacher of 90-odd years old, while the music community is as inclusive as they come. I went out to a regular local club night last night, full of people of all ages and backgrounds. I had a wonderful time and was asked to dance several times. I am just as happy dancing on my own, alongside others, but just wanted to make the point that I don't think 'shaggy, baggy and ugly' apply to my life at the moment - and I'm 62 now.
I love your perspective 💜and love the lesson, thanks💕
Thank you for your birthday wishes Becca! To your point about Badhbh, I had already risen 'like a phoenix' from the ashes at 48 and, at the time of writing this piece, I was on the cusp of burnout. I didn't feel I had another one in me! Now, at 60, and on the other side of the transformation I was sensing was underway, I still don't feel like a phoenix, but nor do I fear (quite so much) the idea of being a very, very old woman. I see the power of 'ugliness' and 'invisibility', hidden in the shadow of ageism by our culture (and which I've written about in recent essays: 'Men Don't Age Better Than Women: They're Just Allowed To', and 'Who is That Old Woman in the Mirror'. As a writer and therapist, I feel deeply grateful that both of my professions are ones where I'm 'allowed' to get old. Like you, I'm not 'shaggy, baggy and ugly' yet, but one day I will be, and I don't fear it the way I once did.
A very happy birthday Jody, I hope you had a truly joyful celebration as you entered into the third act 😃 Grateful, as ever, for your voice out there in the world. Sending love x
Thank you dear Vicki x
I love this so much that I’m actually going to print it off so that I can read it thoroughly, digest it all and make notes!!! I have difficulty absorbing when reading from a screen and really want to absorb what you are saying here. I was 64 this week and am still slightly in shock - how did that happen?!
Well, if that's not a huge compliment for a writer I don't know what is? Thank you! And as for the 'slightly in shock' bit, you might want to read my 'Who is that Old Woman in the Mirror?' post! Jody x
https://jodyday.substack.com/p/who-is-that-old-woman-in-the-mirror
Damn, I loved this.
Well damn, thank you! x
I absolutely loved this.
Thank you for loving it :)
Come with me
And watch as the trees drop their leaves
The turning of another season
I too, am in the Autumn of my life
Burnished and aglow
With amber light
Cooling down
Slower but still steady
Moving through the golden days
With purpose and fierce joy
My heart a beacon that tempers this season
This new season of my life
What a wonderful meditation on this time of life... I feel more peaceful and centred reading it. Autumn has always been my favourite season and this season of my life feels exciting in a calm and steady way... xx
Thank you, Jody. Autumn can show up any time now! 🍂 🍁
Beautiful 😍!
Happy Birthday Jodie. What a fabulous gift your writing is for all of us. Such honesty, thank you. I can relate to much of what you say about transformations as we age and being a childless older woman, however, that was through choice in my case. Nevertheless, thank you for expressing what so many of us feel. 🙏😊
Thank you so much Simone! I think as we age, the distinctions between childless and childfree can soften... I see it more as a spectrum than a binary these days. In many ways, I feel 'childfree' inside (having mourned and integrated the absence of my children) but I choose to call myself childless both out of respect for the healing journey I've been on, and for the different path childfree by choice women have taken. I really appreciate you letting me know that you find my work so relatable xx
❤️💝🙏
"childless adopted mother " is not a thing btw unless we by osmosis accept a sexist trope to identify a woman's value as a person. Women are so critical of our sex - and sadly put men before our sisters and our own value as born women way too often -in my humble opinion.
I understand the term is not legally correct, but that was not what I was aiming for when choosing my words...
well Scorcese and Eastwood - men of a certain much older vintage aren't talking their finite philosophical endings - just saying women are truly our own architects too surely at a mere fit 60 your demise should not loom so large but that said lovely turns of language
I explore this more fully in my essay "Men don't age better than women; they're just allowed to". I am comfortable thinking and talking about demise and death; they are part of life!
I did read it -and get it.But i've observed we women, including me are way too harsh on our own sex at our own expense; I'm all for your own appraisal in the egoless way too -without the narcissism sure; Im attempting just a good little aside not a jib or a jumping down ya throat critique.
What a beautiful birthday photo of you and your longtime friends, Jody. I love “the crow on my shoulder that doesn’t give a fuck about permission” with every fiber of my being - my brain might need to borrow that image, a lot!! But I’m so glad you listened to her. The husband of a good friend of mine turned 55 earlier this month and he felt it very deeply, too.
And I appreciate the “chucking out-of-date spices” in letting identities go, also - while I actually did complete a couple of marathons in decades past (great experiences, for which my feet are still paying a hefty price!) - the 26.2 sticker is still on my car, but that’s a gentler way of framing many other things I’d hoped to accomplish and didn’t. I’m also hopeful 50 next year provides some opportunities to re-think all this - and I’m so happy you had such nice celebrations!
Thank you Marta and I found turning 50 to be a great relief (my 40s were tough, as they are for so many of us childless not by choice); what surprised me most at 55 was the sense of some deep internal reorientation beginning to take place, like a huge archetypal ocean liner slowly changing direction... and the awareness that there was more of life behind me than ahead of me... Well done for the marathon running - after 2 years of being unable to exercise due to back pain (from the gym!) I'm just grateful to be able to attend Pilates again! xx
How nice to hear that 50 was a relief - I can start to sense a bit of that and there are indeed many things about my 40’s that I’ll be glad to see in the rear view mirror.
Pilates is wonderful…I have an “elder” neighbor & friend who lives in my apartment building - she’s 89 and amazing and says swimming was what helped her the most through menopause, so I’m on it! Like your partner’s mother, she’s also very interested in the present (but is an encyclopedia of literature of the past, and does like to tell stories!) xoxo
Happy 60th birthday, Jody! X
Thank you! It feels like quite the milestone... I'm excited about the future :)
Hi Jody,
Happy 60th birthday! What a beautifully written essay. Your grief is palpable, and your insights are first-rate.
I also left a bad marriage to which I devoted (read wasted) my 20s and 30s. In my 30s, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, so I was grateful to be alive in my 40s. However, my breasts had to be removed and reconstructed, and I felt grief for them and for all the losses I endured. And premature menopause was a temporary detour in my dream of having children.
When I adopted my daughter, I was 47, and that qualifies me as an "old" mother. I won't be a grandmother (she plans on being childless by choice and even if she changes her mind, I won't be around for that.)
And it's perfectly acceptable to piss people off. What frustrates me are the aches and pains that assail me -- an arthritic back, loss of balance, etc. Since breast cancer, I have always felt old before my time. Now I really am getting old. Oy.
Dear Beth - I've heard about the accelerated ageing from surgical menopause from other post-cancer friends too and we don't hear enough about it. The dynamic is all about 'beating' cancer, as if that's it and we can all go home... Thank you, as always, for bringing your perspective as a childless adoptive mother, it's so very much appreciated by me. Hugs, Jody x
Beautifully crafted writing. Thank you for painting the threshold year of The Wise Woman/Crone/Winter phase of life. Currently in my Autumn Wild Woman perimenopause and it is beautiful to hear from someone up the trail from me. Thank you. And Happy Burthday! If interested, I just wrote a piece about Phases and Life Seasons. It's called, "Is it 'Just a phase'?"
I loved your piece on seasons and have commented on it. I think I'm in my late Autumn cresting into Winter :)