Thank you for this thought-provoking article. I was conversing with a contemporary yesterday that supporting and ushering in the next generation is the most important work we can do. Both in our 60's, he, childless, I, overflowing with children and grandchildren, our work is the same. And, I have to say, he's doing a remarkable job of it.
I wanted to have a baby so much all through my twenties and half of my thirties. I conceived but no heart beat. God has blessed me with so many children to love. I raised a step-daughter and have nieces with children that I get to be a grandmother to. I am blessed.
Well I wanna just say, I never wanted kids (except in a couple of moments of escapist fantasy, and thankfully I came to my senses) and I am mortified and terribly sad at the losses of all our other species on this planet that are dying off left and right and at how terribly we all suffer from a definite non-shortage of human beings. I wish I got more credit for MY choice NOT to reproduce and I have to say I feel right smacky superior sometimes that I’m not leaving a big footprint here on the planet, because I didn’t create another suffering being to run around and be broken in the world and use up resources and shit all over everything. I mean who am I to replicate my genes anyways? They’re not that good!!!!! My genes are NOT THAT GREAT!!!! Do people even think about these things? That Octomom bullshit makes me want to vomit. I mean fine, go ahead and have your crotch dumplings, as many as you want, but don’t be arrogant enough to think that everyone else is gonna love them or that they’re God’s gift to the world. They’re probably just average and will have an average life (if they’re lucky, these days). What the hell, people? Do you just want to breed and breed and eat it all up and destroy everything? I mean that’s what it looks like because that’s what’s happening. Go ahead, throw me out of the damn conversation, I’m not a mom and never wanted to be but those are my thoughts about it. BTW i am sixty and have so far been EXTREMELY LUCKY and have had a very good life in many respects, without kids; if it weren’t for the environment going to hell because of overpopulation it would be even better. No I don’t wanna be friends with any of you and I don’t care if you hate me. I’m just here to make my point. Why not consider the negatives? They’re part of the picture, they’re part of reality!!!! Pregnancy can KILL YOU!!!! “Children are a blessing” MAKES ME WANT TO BARF!!!! Children are a pain in the ASS. They’re mostly a bunch of disease-carrying little snot-nosed vampires that will make you lose sleep and eat up your life. They’re never gonna turn out to be what you want them to be. Never. Sometimes when things are bad, I wish I myself had never been born. It hasn’t been THAT great of a ride…and I had a lot of health problems…why on earth would I want to bequeath all that misery to someone else? I mean, do people even THINK about this stuff at all before they decide to have kids? Or are people all just drinking the Kool-Aid, hook, line and sinker (emphasis on sinker)? They sell women all this shit about “family values” and “children are a blessing” and all that crap to manipulate you and try and render you powerless, to keep you “in your place”!!!! The only reason people had so many kids in earlier times was so they’d have built-in slaves to work the farms!!!! Is that quality of life???? Not in my way of thinking. People always think they’re gonna get another Beethoven or the next Jesus Christ when they have a kid, but some of them get Jeffrey Dahmers and they never seem to think about THAT.
You are very welcome. I love the idea that this has 'pumped' you about Elderhood. Not a reaction I've ever anticipated to my writing! Hugs and thanks, Jody x
You speak of a “blanket of exclusion” for childless women, even though women may not intend it as such when talking of their grandchildren/children. How true that is, especially living in the heartland of America. Thank you for all you do in acknowledging and speaking for women who are aging without children. We are not selfish or more self absorbed than mothers, it’s just that us where life led us.
It is hard to be part of an excluded minority, even when we are as large as 20% of the population! My childlessness (and midlife divorce/singleness) woke me up to how much privilege I'd had when I was still in a heterosexual partnership and 'trying' for a baby... and young enough too. Finding myself in such a big 'out-group', and judged, belittled and ignored because of it woke me up to all the other ways people can/do experience this. It broke my heart and it opened it too. Sending love to you - you are not alone. xx
So. That was interesting. I am a 74 Yr old grandfather to 3. I have 3 children. My youngest child is 37 the oldest approaching 50. One thing am aware of from media is the plague of loneliness that seems to be a thing for isolated elderly and fragmented families. A great many of my female friends are and intend to stay childless. Community and social involvement seems to be something essential, no matter how difficult in this fragmented time.
Thanks Charles. Yes, I'm activitely co-creating an 'Alterkin' group (my word: stands for Alternative Kinship Network) in my local, rural Irish community for those of us ageing without children - an intergenerational group, with mutual aid and care flowing both ways. It's not rocket science, pre-modern human communities worked like this -- it just seems that the combination of neoliberal industrial modernity and the nuclear family have atrophied the circles of care to something too siloed to function effectively or humanely any more...
Jody, I really appreciated this piece, and am also really interested to learn more about how you are nurturing this Alterkin (great name) group! My work in life is to shift the culture of ageing in Australia to embed some of the values/ideas you talk about so beautifully - meaningful eldership, intergenerational connection, communal care and support, etc... I'd love to connect and chat!
Yes. Somewhere I think a village was mentioned. Villages I know of still seem to work like that. Community, now there is an idea. When friends become family. The inter generational aspect is so important.
Your reflections on eldering are deeply moving and insightful, Jody - thank you for sharing them. I really admire how you've embraced life’s complexities to offer wisdom and care beyond traditional roles; your contributions ripple beautifully across generations. It's inspiring to see how you've transformed your own challenges into moments of profound connection and purpose.
Cronehood has resonated with me for years, so much so, that I recently wrote a book on women and aging, "Croneology: Poetic Reflections on the Crone". You might enjoy reading my poem 'Metamorphosis of the Crone', or my post from last week about family estrangements, 'Still Standing, Still Loving'. It's wonderful to meet a kindred spirit. Thanks again, your words are a gift.
A beautiful essay! Yes, the cost of wisdom is dear. I was fortunate to survive 2 ectopic pregnancies, and to follow those with two successful, healthy pregnancies and two Caesarian deliveries, and raise two beautiful, intelligent, kind children, a son and a daughter. My son died in 2018 at age 46, having been diagnosed in 2016 with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. His two sons are doing well; his widow thriving in a responsible position, and raising his sons beautifully. My daughter & husband have 3 boys/ sons who are also being well-raised. Many blessings, and some sorrows. Do I have the life as a grandmother that I have wished for? For a variety of reasons, no. Everyone of us is living the best we can, but life situations have limited my participation in the lives of these family members. I choose to see that being An Elder is the role that best meets the need to treat the three adults with respect and love, and myself with dignity, and look to the future with curiosity as my 5 grandsons, ages nearly 21 to almost 13, mature and define their relationships. As it happens, I am the Eldest of my generation, no older aunts or uncles, and a few cousins of my generation who have always lived at great distances. My ex-husband’s family has maintained some contact across the 44 years since the divorce, but again the miles as well as years are so different from what I saw for my own grandparents. * * * The upcoming event looks to be awesome! Hurrah!
Now in her early thirties, she recently said to me, ‘I hope you realise that I wouldn’t be me without you?’ (As a childless non-blood aunt, cue a big lump in my throat!)
As I wrote on Childless Collective, you can take that to the bank!!!
However, you had too much that you endured; yet, here you are, this incredible woman giving so much to the world! Some people who go through so much become like you.
Back. Okay now I'm voicing so there will be yours errors bloody machine.
I believe those of us who are now the elders can give back; however, it's also a very difficult time for the reason that many of the younger don't want to listen, nor did their parents teach them to respect and learn from their elders. This is quite a different phenomenon than in past generations.
Then, there are the other jewels who do listen aptly as your writing spoke to and yes, I've been repeatedly told of the difference I have made in one young woman's life. She is from Albania, hence, grew up so differently with less: she's like a happy sponge, taking in much I say and endlessly sweetly thanking me. I learn from her equally in different ways.
So, bravo to all the dimensions you've covered in this writing. We could make a full semester's study of it! Bravo
I’m not childless. I have two grown offspring and a five-year-old grand-daughter. But I think it’s really important that we don’t hide behind the assumption that only people with children have a stake in eldering the younger generations. The world is crying out for elders and one of the reasons is that, done right, the relatively privileged Boomer generation has the precious resource of time and perspective. I try very hard not to wrap myself up in a luxurious bubble of travelling and having self-indulgent fun. Your writing challenges me to re-evaluate my perception that I’m useless because my energy and health is more limited than it used to be. Thank you.
Travel teaches so much, but more so if you experience how people actually live in other places, countries etc. Less of a luxury than an education to share as an elder! Something I feel more Americans need desperately. Add some self indulgent fun for yor soul maybe!!
Beautiful Jody. I love your description of the exchange with the young wedding guest. That's it, isn't it? The simplicity and depth of connection we can have with the young ones in our midst. Those moments are gold, especially when you recognise what it means to grow up without those kinds of interactions in your life ❤️
I'm slowly feeling more confident that I am 'allowed' to speak my truth with youngers now, and the feeling tone of it has something 'different' about it than in the past. I'm not lecturing, hectoring, proving or teaching... just being real in the moment. It reminds me of those moments in therapy when a door between the therapist and client opens, and something so much 'larger' than words is transmitted... a both ways moment between souls -- a moment even, of grace?
Oh yes, so beautifully put. Therapy lends lots of opportunities for these moments, particularly with younger clients. And we get to show up in a very different way from parents - less anxiety perhaps, less agenda - which leads to more simple, soulful exchanges.
I agree it is important to share our wisdom. We worked hard for it!
Thank you for this thought-provoking article. I was conversing with a contemporary yesterday that supporting and ushering in the next generation is the most important work we can do. Both in our 60's, he, childless, I, overflowing with children and grandchildren, our work is the same. And, I have to say, he's doing a remarkable job of it.
I wanted to have a baby so much all through my twenties and half of my thirties. I conceived but no heart beat. God has blessed me with so many children to love. I raised a step-daughter and have nieces with children that I get to be a grandmother to. I am blessed.
A lot of old people but not a lot of elders. Great !
Well I wanna just say, I never wanted kids (except in a couple of moments of escapist fantasy, and thankfully I came to my senses) and I am mortified and terribly sad at the losses of all our other species on this planet that are dying off left and right and at how terribly we all suffer from a definite non-shortage of human beings. I wish I got more credit for MY choice NOT to reproduce and I have to say I feel right smacky superior sometimes that I’m not leaving a big footprint here on the planet, because I didn’t create another suffering being to run around and be broken in the world and use up resources and shit all over everything. I mean who am I to replicate my genes anyways? They’re not that good!!!!! My genes are NOT THAT GREAT!!!! Do people even think about these things? That Octomom bullshit makes me want to vomit. I mean fine, go ahead and have your crotch dumplings, as many as you want, but don’t be arrogant enough to think that everyone else is gonna love them or that they’re God’s gift to the world. They’re probably just average and will have an average life (if they’re lucky, these days). What the hell, people? Do you just want to breed and breed and eat it all up and destroy everything? I mean that’s what it looks like because that’s what’s happening. Go ahead, throw me out of the damn conversation, I’m not a mom and never wanted to be but those are my thoughts about it. BTW i am sixty and have so far been EXTREMELY LUCKY and have had a very good life in many respects, without kids; if it weren’t for the environment going to hell because of overpopulation it would be even better. No I don’t wanna be friends with any of you and I don’t care if you hate me. I’m just here to make my point. Why not consider the negatives? They’re part of the picture, they’re part of reality!!!! Pregnancy can KILL YOU!!!! “Children are a blessing” MAKES ME WANT TO BARF!!!! Children are a pain in the ASS. They’re mostly a bunch of disease-carrying little snot-nosed vampires that will make you lose sleep and eat up your life. They’re never gonna turn out to be what you want them to be. Never. Sometimes when things are bad, I wish I myself had never been born. It hasn’t been THAT great of a ride…and I had a lot of health problems…why on earth would I want to bequeath all that misery to someone else? I mean, do people even THINK about this stuff at all before they decide to have kids? Or are people all just drinking the Kool-Aid, hook, line and sinker (emphasis on sinker)? They sell women all this shit about “family values” and “children are a blessing” and all that crap to manipulate you and try and render you powerless, to keep you “in your place”!!!! The only reason people had so many kids in earlier times was so they’d have built-in slaves to work the farms!!!! Is that quality of life???? Not in my way of thinking. People always think they’re gonna get another Beethoven or the next Jesus Christ when they have a kid, but some of them get Jeffrey Dahmers and they never seem to think about THAT.
Your writing is exquisite.
I love this piece so much. I appreciate the inclusion of childless/child free women, we matter too. This makes me kinda pumped to be an Elder.
You are very welcome. I love the idea that this has 'pumped' you about Elderhood. Not a reaction I've ever anticipated to my writing! Hugs and thanks, Jody x
Haha that is what I am here for, to happily surprise people with my weirdness.
You speak of a “blanket of exclusion” for childless women, even though women may not intend it as such when talking of their grandchildren/children. How true that is, especially living in the heartland of America. Thank you for all you do in acknowledging and speaking for women who are aging without children. We are not selfish or more self absorbed than mothers, it’s just that us where life led us.
It is hard to be part of an excluded minority, even when we are as large as 20% of the population! My childlessness (and midlife divorce/singleness) woke me up to how much privilege I'd had when I was still in a heterosexual partnership and 'trying' for a baby... and young enough too. Finding myself in such a big 'out-group', and judged, belittled and ignored because of it woke me up to all the other ways people can/do experience this. It broke my heart and it opened it too. Sending love to you - you are not alone. xx
So. That was interesting. I am a 74 Yr old grandfather to 3. I have 3 children. My youngest child is 37 the oldest approaching 50. One thing am aware of from media is the plague of loneliness that seems to be a thing for isolated elderly and fragmented families. A great many of my female friends are and intend to stay childless. Community and social involvement seems to be something essential, no matter how difficult in this fragmented time.
Thanks Charles. Yes, I'm activitely co-creating an 'Alterkin' group (my word: stands for Alternative Kinship Network) in my local, rural Irish community for those of us ageing without children - an intergenerational group, with mutual aid and care flowing both ways. It's not rocket science, pre-modern human communities worked like this -- it just seems that the combination of neoliberal industrial modernity and the nuclear family have atrophied the circles of care to something too siloed to function effectively or humanely any more...
Jody, I really appreciated this piece, and am also really interested to learn more about how you are nurturing this Alterkin (great name) group! My work in life is to shift the culture of ageing in Australia to embed some of the values/ideas you talk about so beautifully - meaningful eldership, intergenerational connection, communal care and support, etc... I'd love to connect and chat!
Yes. Somewhere I think a village was mentioned. Villages I know of still seem to work like that. Community, now there is an idea. When friends become family. The inter generational aspect is so important.
Your reflections on eldering are deeply moving and insightful, Jody - thank you for sharing them. I really admire how you've embraced life’s complexities to offer wisdom and care beyond traditional roles; your contributions ripple beautifully across generations. It's inspiring to see how you've transformed your own challenges into moments of profound connection and purpose.
Cronehood has resonated with me for years, so much so, that I recently wrote a book on women and aging, "Croneology: Poetic Reflections on the Crone". You might enjoy reading my poem 'Metamorphosis of the Crone', or my post from last week about family estrangements, 'Still Standing, Still Loving'. It's wonderful to meet a kindred spirit. Thanks again, your words are a gift.
Dear Jodie,
A beautiful essay! Yes, the cost of wisdom is dear. I was fortunate to survive 2 ectopic pregnancies, and to follow those with two successful, healthy pregnancies and two Caesarian deliveries, and raise two beautiful, intelligent, kind children, a son and a daughter. My son died in 2018 at age 46, having been diagnosed in 2016 with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. His two sons are doing well; his widow thriving in a responsible position, and raising his sons beautifully. My daughter & husband have 3 boys/ sons who are also being well-raised. Many blessings, and some sorrows. Do I have the life as a grandmother that I have wished for? For a variety of reasons, no. Everyone of us is living the best we can, but life situations have limited my participation in the lives of these family members. I choose to see that being An Elder is the role that best meets the need to treat the three adults with respect and love, and myself with dignity, and look to the future with curiosity as my 5 grandsons, ages nearly 21 to almost 13, mature and define their relationships. As it happens, I am the Eldest of my generation, no older aunts or uncles, and a few cousins of my generation who have always lived at great distances. My ex-husband’s family has maintained some contact across the 44 years since the divorce, but again the miles as well as years are so different from what I saw for my own grandparents. * * * The upcoming event looks to be awesome! Hurrah!
Now in her early thirties, she recently said to me, ‘I hope you realise that I wouldn’t be me without you?’ (As a childless non-blood aunt, cue a big lump in my throat!)
As I wrote on Childless Collective, you can take that to the bank!!!
However, you had too much that you endured; yet, here you are, this incredible woman giving so much to the world! Some people who go through so much become like you.
Back. Okay now I'm voicing so there will be yours errors bloody machine.
I believe those of us who are now the elders can give back; however, it's also a very difficult time for the reason that many of the younger don't want to listen, nor did their parents teach them to respect and learn from their elders. This is quite a different phenomenon than in past generations.
Then, there are the other jewels who do listen aptly as your writing spoke to and yes, I've been repeatedly told of the difference I have made in one young woman's life. She is from Albania, hence, grew up so differently with less: she's like a happy sponge, taking in much I say and endlessly sweetly thanking me. I learn from her equally in different ways.
So, bravo to all the dimensions you've covered in this writing. We could make a full semester's study of it! Bravo
My god,I believe I have found my tribe. Thank you so much for the nomo-crone label--I will spread it, with glee!
I’m not childless. I have two grown offspring and a five-year-old grand-daughter. But I think it’s really important that we don’t hide behind the assumption that only people with children have a stake in eldering the younger generations. The world is crying out for elders and one of the reasons is that, done right, the relatively privileged Boomer generation has the precious resource of time and perspective. I try very hard not to wrap myself up in a luxurious bubble of travelling and having self-indulgent fun. Your writing challenges me to re-evaluate my perception that I’m useless because my energy and health is more limited than it used to be. Thank you.
Travel teaches so much, but more so if you experience how people actually live in other places, countries etc. Less of a luxury than an education to share as an elder! Something I feel more Americans need desperately. Add some self indulgent fun for yor soul maybe!!
Beautiful Jody. I love your description of the exchange with the young wedding guest. That's it, isn't it? The simplicity and depth of connection we can have with the young ones in our midst. Those moments are gold, especially when you recognise what it means to grow up without those kinds of interactions in your life ❤️
I'm slowly feeling more confident that I am 'allowed' to speak my truth with youngers now, and the feeling tone of it has something 'different' about it than in the past. I'm not lecturing, hectoring, proving or teaching... just being real in the moment. It reminds me of those moments in therapy when a door between the therapist and client opens, and something so much 'larger' than words is transmitted... a both ways moment between souls -- a moment even, of grace?
Oh yes, so beautifully put. Therapy lends lots of opportunities for these moments, particularly with younger clients. And we get to show up in a very different way from parents - less anxiety perhaps, less agenda - which leads to more simple, soulful exchanges.
Thanks for the restacking love Lesley! x