Dear Jody, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope that you're finding relief from the pain. I hope that you are finding comfort and support during the triggering times these weeks, months and years to come. Sending you all of my love and hugs!! Diane
My heart goes out to your yours. Losing a parent is so difficult no matter the age. Memories start flooding the brain, slowly at first then so fast. The years fly faster yet slowly. Small moments shared and the giant thought of How will I remember this or who will I ask about that. Death is so FINAL.
My mother died from dementia as well. Hers was the ugly kind. The hallucinations were so real to her, yet never logical to my sisters or me. We tried telling her they were not real. In one of her lucid moments she said to me THEY ARE REAL TO ME!
We were not close for a lot of reasons. I left home at - 17. Married at 18 and lived in different states throughout the years. Even with those circumstances-I would never have wanted this for her.
She did not know who I was near the end but I understood the torment she went through.
Let yourself grieve. Never blame yourself for anything. Let those good memories flow and know a Mother’s love is like nothing else.
..."my unmothered mother allowed herself to be mothered across that final passage by the daughter she’d tried so hard not to love." This bit resonates so much.
Jody, this is beautiful and stunning and so poignant. I love the way you include all the details about the staff at the care center, about your sandwich and the TV as you waited for the end, about your mother's beautiful skin color fading. And so much more, especially your description of her as an "intensely defended woman." My mother died at almost 92, almost exactly a year ago and, unfortunately, I couldn't be with her. She and I had had a complicated relationship, not close and not especially warm. Still, I wanted to hold her hand and, as you put it, look clearly into her eyes. We still had a lot to talk about, although I don't know if that would have been possible because she was very deaf. Your lovely piece of writing offers me so much to think about. Thank you!
I just love reading your essays. This one is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you made peace with your mother. Be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, sometimes harder than you expect. I think too many of us are afraid to cry and we feel compelled to apologize when we do—either because we're embarrassed because we think it makes us look weak, or because we're afraid we're making the people around us uncomfortable. People who care about you and understand grief will not care that you are crying; they will understand and they will comfort you if that's what you need. Surround yourself with those people.
"...my unmothered mother..." Of all your beautiful words, Jody, those three hit my heart the hardest. I have an unmothered mother too. It makes for a complicated life. I too am watching our roles reverse. Thank you for this moving reflection.
Beautiful story of your last moments with your mother. Mine died just over a year ago and I’ve written a few pieces as I work through the grief. We, too, had a difficult relationship. And even though she often disagreed with my path, she was my biggest supporter toward the end of her life. It’s important for me to remember those tender moments as a way to lessen my quilt or regret for things I did not do or say.
To be present at one's Mother's death is transformative. There are gifts exchanged in both directions in that last moment. I am still, seven years later, comforted by the memory of that sacred moment, and I hope you will always feel it too.
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort. My mother is also in a memory care home. She has dementia and has had minor strokes. I see her weekly, but the visits get harder as she’s not sure where she is and doesn’t understand why I’m there. I know you’re feeling grief but I hope you’re also allowing yourself to feel some relief that her journey is done. Thank you for sharing this.
Well, it is official, you've garnished tears from my eyes twice today! I lost my father to dementia and we too had a difficult relationship. The most gentle he'd ever be in his life were the years he lost himself to the disease. Witnessing you, your grief, and the reckoning that is reflecting upon our parental relationships. Thank you for sharing this, even if it was a handful of months ago, I'm grateful to find solace in your words. ❤️
Dear Jody, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope that you're finding relief from the pain. I hope that you are finding comfort and support during the triggering times these weeks, months and years to come. Sending you all of my love and hugs!! Diane
My heart goes out to your yours. Losing a parent is so difficult no matter the age. Memories start flooding the brain, slowly at first then so fast. The years fly faster yet slowly. Small moments shared and the giant thought of How will I remember this or who will I ask about that. Death is so FINAL.
My mother died from dementia as well. Hers was the ugly kind. The hallucinations were so real to her, yet never logical to my sisters or me. We tried telling her they were not real. In one of her lucid moments she said to me THEY ARE REAL TO ME!
We were not close for a lot of reasons. I left home at - 17. Married at 18 and lived in different states throughout the years. Even with those circumstances-I would never have wanted this for her.
She did not know who I was near the end but I understood the torment she went through.
Let yourself grieve. Never blame yourself for anything. Let those good memories flow and know a Mother’s love is like nothing else.
Peace to your heart & virtual hugs 😘🌹
A gift given , therapy for those who weren’t or couldn’t be there. Colors from your box of crayons , just lovely Jody...🫶
..."my unmothered mother allowed herself to be mothered across that final passage by the daughter she’d tried so hard not to love." This bit resonates so much.
Jody, this is beautiful and stunning and so poignant. I love the way you include all the details about the staff at the care center, about your sandwich and the TV as you waited for the end, about your mother's beautiful skin color fading. And so much more, especially your description of her as an "intensely defended woman." My mother died at almost 92, almost exactly a year ago and, unfortunately, I couldn't be with her. She and I had had a complicated relationship, not close and not especially warm. Still, I wanted to hold her hand and, as you put it, look clearly into her eyes. We still had a lot to talk about, although I don't know if that would have been possible because she was very deaf. Your lovely piece of writing offers me so much to think about. Thank you!
I just love reading your essays. This one is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you made peace with your mother. Be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, sometimes harder than you expect. I think too many of us are afraid to cry and we feel compelled to apologize when we do—either because we're embarrassed because we think it makes us look weak, or because we're afraid we're making the people around us uncomfortable. People who care about you and understand grief will not care that you are crying; they will understand and they will comfort you if that's what you need. Surround yourself with those people.
Oh Jody I'm so sorry. I'm sending you love.
What a beautiful essay, one of the most moving I’ve read on Substack, I’m so sorry for your loss.
"...my unmothered mother..." Of all your beautiful words, Jody, those three hit my heart the hardest. I have an unmothered mother too. It makes for a complicated life. I too am watching our roles reverse. Thank you for this moving reflection.
This is beautiful Jody ❤️😔
Beautiful. Mother-daughter relationships can be fraught with so much hurt. I’m sorry for your loss, but grateful you had a beautiful farewell.
Wow, this is so beautiful. "We stayed in that mist together for what felt like an eternity" is tenderly and beautifully profound.
Beautiful story of your last moments with your mother. Mine died just over a year ago and I’ve written a few pieces as I work through the grief. We, too, had a difficult relationship. And even though she often disagreed with my path, she was my biggest supporter toward the end of her life. It’s important for me to remember those tender moments as a way to lessen my quilt or regret for things I did not do or say.
Death, a common thread that binds us all.
To be present at one's Mother's death is transformative. There are gifts exchanged in both directions in that last moment. I am still, seven years later, comforted by the memory of that sacred moment, and I hope you will always feel it too.
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort. My mother is also in a memory care home. She has dementia and has had minor strokes. I see her weekly, but the visits get harder as she’s not sure where she is and doesn’t understand why I’m there. I know you’re feeling grief but I hope you’re also allowing yourself to feel some relief that her journey is done. Thank you for sharing this.
Well, it is official, you've garnished tears from my eyes twice today! I lost my father to dementia and we too had a difficult relationship. The most gentle he'd ever be in his life were the years he lost himself to the disease. Witnessing you, your grief, and the reckoning that is reflecting upon our parental relationships. Thank you for sharing this, even if it was a handful of months ago, I'm grateful to find solace in your words. ❤️