Dear Jody, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope that you're finding relief from the pain. I hope that you are finding comfort and support during the triggering times these weeks, months and years to come. Sending you all of my love and hugs!! Diane
My heart goes out to your yours. Losing a parent is so difficult no matter the age. Memories start flooding the brain, slowly at first then so fast. The years fly faster yet slowly. Small moments shared and the giant thought of How will I remember this or who will I ask about that. Death is so FINAL.
My mother died from dementia as well. Hers was the ugly kind. The hallucinations were so real to her, yet never logical to my sisters or me. We tried telling her they were not real. In one of her lucid moments she said to me THEY ARE REAL TO ME!
We were not close for a lot of reasons. I left home at - 17. Married at 18 and lived in different states throughout the years. Even with those circumstances-I would never have wanted this for her.
She did not know who I was near the end but I understood the torment she went through.
Let yourself grieve. Never blame yourself for anything. Let those good memories flow and know a Mother’s love is like nothing else.
I am so very sorry Pamela to hear how tortured your mother's dementia was, that sounds absolutely awful. I think my mother's repeated strokes meant that she died quite quickly (by dementia standards), from the beginning of it becoming life-limiting and obvious to her death 5 years later. I left home at 16 and although closeness was never a safe option for me around her, I loved her deeply, and she loved me as much as she could. It's interesting what you say about the memories... I'm definitely experiencing more and more of them! Sending peace and hugs to you too. xxx
..."my unmothered mother allowed herself to be mothered across that final passage by the daughter she’d tried so hard not to love." This bit resonates so much.
Jody, this is beautiful and stunning and so poignant. I love the way you include all the details about the staff at the care center, about your sandwich and the TV as you waited for the end, about your mother's beautiful skin color fading. And so much more, especially your description of her as an "intensely defended woman." My mother died at almost 92, almost exactly a year ago and, unfortunately, I couldn't be with her. She and I had had a complicated relationship, not close and not especially warm. Still, I wanted to hold her hand and, as you put it, look clearly into her eyes. We still had a lot to talk about, although I don't know if that would have been possible because she was very deaf. Your lovely piece of writing offers me so much to think about. Thank you!
My dear Debbie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother a year ago. I'm beginning to think there's no such thing as an UNcomplicated mother-daughter relationships, but some are definitely more painful than others... I'm sorry you weren't able to be with her at the end, and say those things that will forever be left unsaid. At the end, all that was left between my mother and I was love; love beyond words; love beyond our bodies; love beyond time. It was an act of grace and healing for us both that healed so much, and set me free from so many 'stories' about myself, my mother and our life together, this time around... Big hugs, Jody x
I just love reading your essays. This one is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you made peace with your mother. Be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, sometimes harder than you expect. I think too many of us are afraid to cry and we feel compelled to apologize when we do—either because we're embarrassed because we think it makes us look weak, or because we're afraid we're making the people around us uncomfortable. People who care about you and understand grief will not care that you are crying; they will understand and they will comfort you if that's what you need. Surround yourself with those people.
Thanks Debby for your support, and also for your kind words about my writing. I agree that we live in a culture that does not understand grief and could even be described as grief-phobic! Hugs, Jody x
"...my unmothered mother..." Of all your beautiful words, Jody, those three hit my heart the hardest. I have an unmothered mother too. It makes for a complicated life. I too am watching our roles reverse. Thank you for this moving reflection.
Hi Caroline - those of daughters of unmothered mothers recognise the unique complexities of this position. Sending you love for that time of role reversal; I didn't get to experience very much of it as it she found it very hard to receive my love and tenderness right up until the last year of her life. It was a strange and beautiful gift to receive from the rubble of dementia. Sending you love xxx
Gratefully received, Jody. I'm full of thanks for the loving relationship my mother and I share now, but there were some challenging times. Thank you again for your openness..
Thank you Stephanie. Yes, the ending has changed everything that went before too. I am at peace with our fraught and fractured lifetime together; I hope she is too x
Beautiful story of your last moments with your mother. Mine died just over a year ago and I’ve written a few pieces as I work through the grief. We, too, had a difficult relationship. And even though she often disagreed with my path, she was my biggest supporter toward the end of her life. It’s important for me to remember those tender moments as a way to lessen my quilt or regret for things I did not do or say.
I find that now my mother is gone, and cannot hurt, betray or disappoint me anymore, it is easier to love her, easier to remember the good moments too. And there were some, you're right, it's important to hang on to those. Sending hugs, Jody x
To be present at one's Mother's death is transformative. There are gifts exchanged in both directions in that last moment. I am still, seven years later, comforted by the memory of that sacred moment, and I hope you will always feel it too.
That is so good to know Jo, thanks. I do feel so much more at peace with her death than I expected to. I guess I'd done a lot of my grieving as she declined with dementia, letting go of my fantasy that one day we would have the kind of relationship that I wanted/needed. But then in the end, it was her dementia, and being there at her death that enabled a kind of connection that we'd never had before, and that, I hope, will stay with me forever. I'm so comforted by your experience, thank you for sharing it.
I lost my dad to dementia 8 years before my mom died. It is a slow torturous grief that I had to keep fighting with every loss. I kept telling myself not to grieve while he was still with us, but it was so hard not to.
The 'ambiguous loss' that dementia can create for those around them is a form of grief in itself, and a very painful one: when someone is physically present but psychologically more and more absent. Sending big hugs x
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort. My mother is also in a memory care home. She has dementia and has had minor strokes. I see her weekly, but the visits get harder as she’s not sure where she is and doesn’t understand why I’m there. I know you’re feeling grief but I hope you’re also allowing yourself to feel some relief that her journey is done. Thank you for sharing this.
I'm so sorry that you and your mother are also taking this journey. She'd had enough of living in a failing body, I knew that and she knew that. I feel a deep poignancy for what could have been in our relationship had it been possible for her to let me in, but grateful she was able to in the end, and that I was there for her (and me) and the end. I'm at peace; I hope she is. x
“..... Had it been possible for her to let me in” - perfect words, Jody thank you- that is the most poignant part of the pain I’ve felt since my mother died and was what I really wanted....xxx
poignant
Thank you Ima x
Dear Jody, I am so very sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope that you're finding relief from the pain. I hope that you are finding comfort and support during the triggering times these weeks, months and years to come. Sending you all of my love and hugs!! Diane
Thank you so much for your loving kindness as always, dear Diane x
My heart goes out to your yours. Losing a parent is so difficult no matter the age. Memories start flooding the brain, slowly at first then so fast. The years fly faster yet slowly. Small moments shared and the giant thought of How will I remember this or who will I ask about that. Death is so FINAL.
My mother died from dementia as well. Hers was the ugly kind. The hallucinations were so real to her, yet never logical to my sisters or me. We tried telling her they were not real. In one of her lucid moments she said to me THEY ARE REAL TO ME!
We were not close for a lot of reasons. I left home at - 17. Married at 18 and lived in different states throughout the years. Even with those circumstances-I would never have wanted this for her.
She did not know who I was near the end but I understood the torment she went through.
Let yourself grieve. Never blame yourself for anything. Let those good memories flow and know a Mother’s love is like nothing else.
Peace to your heart & virtual hugs 😘🌹
I am so very sorry Pamela to hear how tortured your mother's dementia was, that sounds absolutely awful. I think my mother's repeated strokes meant that she died quite quickly (by dementia standards), from the beginning of it becoming life-limiting and obvious to her death 5 years later. I left home at 16 and although closeness was never a safe option for me around her, I loved her deeply, and she loved me as much as she could. It's interesting what you say about the memories... I'm definitely experiencing more and more of them! Sending peace and hugs to you too. xxx
A gift given , therapy for those who weren’t or couldn’t be there. Colors from your box of crayons , just lovely Jody...🫶
Oh what a beautiful comment Patricia, thank you! (And I'm sorry I didn't see it until now...) xxx
..."my unmothered mother allowed herself to be mothered across that final passage by the daughter she’d tried so hard not to love." This bit resonates so much.
Sending love for the resonance... it can be a heavy load to carry. Hugs, Jody x
Jody, this is beautiful and stunning and so poignant. I love the way you include all the details about the staff at the care center, about your sandwich and the TV as you waited for the end, about your mother's beautiful skin color fading. And so much more, especially your description of her as an "intensely defended woman." My mother died at almost 92, almost exactly a year ago and, unfortunately, I couldn't be with her. She and I had had a complicated relationship, not close and not especially warm. Still, I wanted to hold her hand and, as you put it, look clearly into her eyes. We still had a lot to talk about, although I don't know if that would have been possible because she was very deaf. Your lovely piece of writing offers me so much to think about. Thank you!
My dear Debbie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother a year ago. I'm beginning to think there's no such thing as an UNcomplicated mother-daughter relationships, but some are definitely more painful than others... I'm sorry you weren't able to be with her at the end, and say those things that will forever be left unsaid. At the end, all that was left between my mother and I was love; love beyond words; love beyond our bodies; love beyond time. It was an act of grace and healing for us both that healed so much, and set me free from so many 'stories' about myself, my mother and our life together, this time around... Big hugs, Jody x
I just love reading your essays. This one is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you made peace with your mother. Be kind to yourself. Grief is hard, sometimes harder than you expect. I think too many of us are afraid to cry and we feel compelled to apologize when we do—either because we're embarrassed because we think it makes us look weak, or because we're afraid we're making the people around us uncomfortable. People who care about you and understand grief will not care that you are crying; they will understand and they will comfort you if that's what you need. Surround yourself with those people.
Thanks Debby for your support, and also for your kind words about my writing. I agree that we live in a culture that does not understand grief and could even be described as grief-phobic! Hugs, Jody x
Oh Jody I'm so sorry. I'm sending you love.
Thank you Jo x
What a beautiful essay, one of the most moving I’ve read on Substack, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much Ethan, that's quite some praise. Thank you for your condolences x
"...my unmothered mother..." Of all your beautiful words, Jody, those three hit my heart the hardest. I have an unmothered mother too. It makes for a complicated life. I too am watching our roles reverse. Thank you for this moving reflection.
Hi Caroline - those of daughters of unmothered mothers recognise the unique complexities of this position. Sending you love for that time of role reversal; I didn't get to experience very much of it as it she found it very hard to receive my love and tenderness right up until the last year of her life. It was a strange and beautiful gift to receive from the rubble of dementia. Sending you love xxx
Gratefully received, Jody. I'm full of thanks for the loving relationship my mother and I share now, but there were some challenging times. Thank you again for your openness..
This is beautiful Jody ❤️😔
Thank you so much Elizabeth x
Beautiful. Mother-daughter relationships can be fraught with so much hurt. I’m sorry for your loss, but grateful you had a beautiful farewell.
Thank you Stephanie. Yes, the ending has changed everything that went before too. I am at peace with our fraught and fractured lifetime together; I hope she is too x
Wow, this is so beautiful. "We stayed in that mist together for what felt like an eternity" is tenderly and beautifully profound.
Thank you so much Mary; that moment has stayed with me, I hope it always will. xx
Beautiful story of your last moments with your mother. Mine died just over a year ago and I’ve written a few pieces as I work through the grief. We, too, had a difficult relationship. And even though she often disagreed with my path, she was my biggest supporter toward the end of her life. It’s important for me to remember those tender moments as a way to lessen my quilt or regret for things I did not do or say.
Death, a common thread that binds us all.
I find that now my mother is gone, and cannot hurt, betray or disappoint me anymore, it is easier to love her, easier to remember the good moments too. And there were some, you're right, it's important to hang on to those. Sending hugs, Jody x
To be present at one's Mother's death is transformative. There are gifts exchanged in both directions in that last moment. I am still, seven years later, comforted by the memory of that sacred moment, and I hope you will always feel it too.
That is so good to know Jo, thanks. I do feel so much more at peace with her death than I expected to. I guess I'd done a lot of my grieving as she declined with dementia, letting go of my fantasy that one day we would have the kind of relationship that I wanted/needed. But then in the end, it was her dementia, and being there at her death that enabled a kind of connection that we'd never had before, and that, I hope, will stay with me forever. I'm so comforted by your experience, thank you for sharing it.
I lost my dad to dementia 8 years before my mom died. It is a slow torturous grief that I had to keep fighting with every loss. I kept telling myself not to grieve while he was still with us, but it was so hard not to.
The 'ambiguous loss' that dementia can create for those around them is a form of grief in itself, and a very painful one: when someone is physically present but psychologically more and more absent. Sending big hugs x
I’m so sorry. Wishing you comfort. My mother is also in a memory care home. She has dementia and has had minor strokes. I see her weekly, but the visits get harder as she’s not sure where she is and doesn’t understand why I’m there. I know you’re feeling grief but I hope you’re also allowing yourself to feel some relief that her journey is done. Thank you for sharing this.
I'm so sorry that you and your mother are also taking this journey. She'd had enough of living in a failing body, I knew that and she knew that. I feel a deep poignancy for what could have been in our relationship had it been possible for her to let me in, but grateful she was able to in the end, and that I was there for her (and me) and the end. I'm at peace; I hope she is. x
“..... Had it been possible for her to let me in” - perfect words, Jody thank you- that is the most poignant part of the pain I’ve felt since my mother died and was what I really wanted....xxx