I’m so interested in what you’re building with Alterkin. The way you describe care in the background and the practical realities of who opens the door, who notices when someone doesn’t show up, feels very real. I think many of us without children carry that 3am question quietly and don’t say it out loud. I love the emphasis on moving slowly and building trust locally instead of trying to outsource belonging. I’m curious what has surprised you most as the circle has begun to take shape.
Interesting how this popped into my email just as I was speaking about this with my therapist today who also has no children. It is such a relief talking to someone who gets it. She is now 80 and starting to put things into place having asked this question over the years: who will be there for me? I have started question this as well recently with the death of my mother and a dear friend. Where am I now? What will happen to me? I cared for Mum for years and was there for her in the last 10 years of her life when she was in a wonderful residential facility. It annoys me when friends say 'oh, I don't won't to be a burden to my children.' But don't know how to answer when I ask ' well who will be there for you?' Your friends? Neighbours? No response to that. I love what you are creating in Ireland. It has me thinking. Thank you for wisdom and sharing your experiences.
Truly I am an idiot! I stumbled upon your story without bothering to see who you are or what your platform is. It all makes sense now. A comment like mine while perhaps part of the conversation is probably NOT part of the conversation as you represent a network that you intentionally formed to represent a specific group of people and I can see how it sounded like O was offering a rebuttal ? or something. anyway my apologies for seeing it all very out of context text. I see some humor in this and will soon delete all this if I am able! And thank you.
Our exchange has been a very growthful experience for me today. Thank you for taking the time to share with me, and to challenge my response to your share x
What a wonderful and generous thing to say. I have appreciated all of this too and it has made me think. I’d say in a month of constant turmoil on all human fronts our exchange has been a redemptive and meaningful one-- a meeting of the hearts and minds perhaps. anything that is unifying these days is such a positive!! especially when it comes out of a bit of conscious wrestling (??) on both parts ..or rather from a willingness and wisdom etc. Go us. Have learned a lot too. Thank you.
that is such an important question. People don’t understand how scary it feels. I am told that they don’t want to burden their children. Or their children are estranged from them or live in other areas of the world. I don’t find that helpful at all. In fact, it hurts and I feel dismissed.
The 'I don't want to burden my children' comment is so very unhelpful, isn't it?! My follow-up question to that is, 'So what are your alternative plans?' Also, devastating as estrangement can be, there is a possibility (however remote) of reconnection (maybe the needs of an elderly parent might even create that possibility?), and geographical distances can be crossed. But for those of us without children, or whose children have died, or have adult care needs of their own--we KNOW that there is no possible circumstance where support from adult children might one day come our way; we feel the rawness of that vulnerability in an unmediated way.
And yet, whilst I've learned from reading the comments here how many parents feel that they cannot/should not rely on their children to be there for them later, it will be interesting to see if they feel the same visceral need to create something else, in the way that we do...
I guess too that what I'm hearing (and deeply resonate with) is how you are not being heard in these encounters, that your pain and concern are being diminished with a sort of 'Oh, your situation's not as bad as you think...' It reminds me of the many 'helpful' (not!) remarks of a similar nature I've had around my childlessness over the years, particularly the 'oh, children aren't all they're cracked up to be, you know' or 'here, have one of mine...'
Sometimes, our capacity to really listen to each other, and not to shut down another person's pain, seems so very rare. This is not to judge; I've done it myself, it's very human. I hope that with every passing year, and as I continue to be humbled by life's lessons, I too can learn to listen ever more deeply, feel more fully and be more present.
Sending hugs across the planet to you. With love, Jody x
Hugs received and sent back to you from the other side of the world.
What a great response back. I must keep that in mind. Because no matter what they do have children. And yes, they may come back in the end. We can’t rely on friends as they have their own parents or needs to be met. Something my partner used to say to me - you have friends.
It is amazing that we get the same responses, no matter where we are in the world. This is why we need, as you well know, to keep these conversations going. So we feel heard, seen, and our fear is real and be accepted.
Seeing Mum in care for a decade made me realise having family around is so important. To come and visit. See to things. Ensure she was getting what she needed (mostly she did). Apparently 60% of people don’t get one visitor in a year. That is so sad.
When I say who will help me if I have a stroke or break a hip, etc, I am told I am being negative. So I can’t win. It hurts.
Hello also from Ireland. What a great piece & great initiative- be proud of even trying to get this off the ground. The whole piece and the comments are full of wisdom. I moved back to Ireland, single and childless, after globe-trotting, 10 years ago and pretty much immediately got serious complications from long standing chronic illnesses. It has turned my life upside down- work was my everything including social life and it has been completely eliminated. My core friends and family are all married with children and working full time and have their own social needs, obviously, I.e. super busy. I’ve made new friends literally from hospital stays and while we try to be there for each other, illness makes it very difficult. I found myself in hospital with no visitors many times, and note the vulnerability of my room mates and others that get hit sideways when much younger. It’s been an eye opener, and some of that has been my realisation of my own reluctance to ask for help and visits etc, and people are just busy, but after being a social butterfly the last year of this 10 years in particular have highlighted how socially isolated you get very quickly when so unable the majority of time. I regularly think of how to build support networks when I can barely commit to something like a lunch the next day, never mind bigger social events. I wanted to write this to highlight it’s not just about age, although that is the most common reason, but that vulnerability can come at any age and it always good to provide and give the support when you can. Also grown-up conversations are essential about expectations from family members, especially when maybe families have burnt out already from previous care-giving.
Dear Nic - I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with isolation due to chronic health needs. It's a harsh eye-opener for sure, and one that I think many chronically ill people shared during the pandemic. And yes, it's hard to 'build community' whilst on the move... It's rooted in proximity, repeated low-stakes interactions, gradual intimacy and reciprocity. None of which can be rushed, and all of which require some members of your community to have some 'slack' in their lives to be there to support others.
Modernity and capitalism have eaten that 'slack' (what used to be called 'the village'!) and now we have to claw it back by compromise and the vulnerability of learning to ask for support... repeatedly.
I think your point about not being able to form a support network when you cannot make any commitments right now highlights something very important (about the capitalist mindset) that we must have something 'to give' before we can 'receive'. But what if just being willing to receive and trusting in our inherent worthiness could be an alternative? That's how humans take care of each other... we were all born 'needy' and we will all need care at some point in our lives again too, no matter how 'independent' we are.
I love this idea Jody, especially as someone who doesn’t have family who would also help in this instance. I have a husband, but of course you can’t plan for them being there either. I would really like to do something similar and like the idea that it’s inter generational. I have always gravitated to people older than me as friends, partly because I was missing the influence of a role model. Im really going to think about how I can make it happen. Thank you for spreading the joy.
There's so much truth in what you write - thank you for your openness and honesty on this subject. I admit I am 'quietly terrified', after years of supporting my mother through Alzheimer's, seeing just how much my sister, brother, sister-in-law and I had to do for her - all those little things you mention, working out why the phone wasn't working, getting the shopping in, trying to co-ordinate health and social care when the system is on its knees, finding a good care home when the time came, clearing out and selling her home to pay for it, etc. It nearly broke me, and then I had to begin the whole process of supporting myself through various health issues (again, with the broken health service to contend with). So I would like to think an Alterkin community could work, and I feel the deep challenges too, as my friends and I all age and become less able. I look forward to reading more.
Absolutely Linda - when we come up against the daily challenges when caring for others, or ourselves, it really brings home how fragile the whole pack of cards is... and how few good options there are for us as we age, or find ourselves needing support. Alterkin isn't an 'easy' option, but I'm hopeful it could bring many benefits along with the challenges...
Such beautiful ideas in this post. I've been a therapist for nearly 20 years and have done a lot of work with clients who don't have children or are estranged from their offspring. Others have a loving family but they live on a different continent. The proposal of an Alterkin Community sounds great for practical support but also for connection and assistance with managing loneliness. Not sure if you've written a book on this topic but, for what it's worth, I think it is an excellent idea to share, and one that could bring a sense of comfort and hope to a lot of people.
Thank you for your appreciation and support! Yes, this is an issue that touches so many of us humans trying to plan for and/or navigate old age in a broken world. I hope to write a book about this one day, when the concept has baked enough to be usefully shared. And until then, I’ll be sharing it as we bake it, here on Substack :) x
Hi Jody, this post gave me so much food for thought. Might you be free to talk to me for an article on this topic for the I newspaper in the UK? I'll send you a DM too. Thanks for your work. Marianne
There is much irony... we are where we are -in many senses- because we chose to support my mother-in-law through her latter years because her other options were very limited, and we did to the best of our ability until the day she died earlier this year after a year or so in aged care. My father, 5 hours away had more network theoretically, but our idea of relocating came initially after he went into aged care so we could support him as his network frayed, however he died mid June. I have an aunt who had no children of her own in her 70's with a decade older husband locally I would like to support but am also looking at our own future should we have one. I'd like to live a bit before I die hopefully in my sleep at home where none what I'm currently worrying about everything comes to fruition. You have created a very good topic, awareness and discussion.
Yes, finding the balance of 'living a bit' whilst also trying to factor in the known-unknowns of our own ageing process, all taking place against a backdrop of economic and systemic collapse... it's HARD! Big hugs, Jody x
Jody, your newsletter caught my attention as I am a "childless" woman. It was a choice my late husband and I made before we got married. We were both active duty military and new that by trying to be good parents and professional people, one or the other would suffer. We realized we wouldn't have children to "take care" of us in our old age, but at the time my husband's grandmother who had 12 children was living a nursing home. There are no guarantees that adult children will or can take care of their elderly parents.
Just this week a dear friend of mine passed away, just three months after her husband had died. She has a son and two stepsons that live out of state. Her son had been with her for the month prior to her passing helping her at home but it became clear she needed to be hospitalized. Her son then returned home and sadly my friend's health declined quickly. Fortunately I was here and was able to be with her everyday in the hospital and eventually help her transition to hospice care where she passed after only two days. My point being, she had children but in the end they couldn't be with her.
To help myself prepare for a time when I might need help, I purchased Long Term Care Insurance. It is VERY expensive and I realize not everyone can afford it. I'm blessed to have two wonderful sisters and many amazing friends, that I know I can turn to should I need help. Thankfully, I won't be uncomfortable to reach out to them if and when the time comes.
I think it's wonderful that you've created this community around you for this very purpose. I think you have given your readers lots to think about and you've given them hope as well!
Indeed, having children is no 'insurance' for old age... yet as I write in the article, many do unconsciously treat it as such, which may/may not turn out well for them, but can often place huge obligations on children, obligations they may not easily be able to meet without signifciant life, health, financial and other costs. I've been fascinated to see how many parents have responded to this thread, aware that this is something they need to do too (and CAN do, unlike preparing for the many known-unknowns of the aging process).
Long-term care insurance is indeed expensive, and is only available in a few countries (for example, not in Ireland, where I live). According to Wikipedia, it's sold in the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and Germany. Even then, it does have pretty strict rule on 'what' it will provide, and many of the 'little tasks' that enable independent living (like maintaining the car, sorting out the wifi, fixing the boiler when it breaks down) would not fall under its provision. That's why having willing, local and available support from people who care (like your sisters and friends) could be vital.
One potential problem with that (not knowing their ages) is that our friends and siblings (if we have them) are often close in age to us, and may have challenges of their own around aging.
I'm glad my piece has offered both lots to think about and a new kind of hope too. Creating our local Alterkin, even though it's still at its very early stages, has given me a new kind of hope too.
Your words really hit the spot! We're considering relocating to the small town where I grew up because it's big on community [and also has a very good residential aged care home]. For too many reasons [including some things changed and other things we thought would change didn't] the village and its people where we've spent the last 20 years building our life no longer appears to be fit-for-future-purpose. My husband has kids & grandkids who live elsewhere, we have other family around but neither are or are able to be particularly/practically supportive [note to parents!] ... kids/grandkids are [too] busy now so no point assuming otherwise in the future. I don't have kids, my husband is ten years older than me, so there are many scenarios where making our own arrangements is relevant. I'll be following along, I'm interested in future articles and comments. Thank you.
Very few people have the bandwidth to be there for their parents as they age these days - late-stage capitalism, intensive parenting, long commutes, geographical mobility, side-hustles to make ends meet, chronic health conditions, and lord knows what else has eaten the 'slack' in so many people's lives. So, hoping that children (or grandchildren) might be able to support/accompany their parents in old age is simply not a wise plan anymore!
Although 'Alterkin' is an 'idea' for those who have no children (and so will never be able to 'hope' it works out somehow), I've seen in the comments that many parents are curious to embrace it too.
We all know we 'need community'. (Or that 'village' that people go on about, which makes me crazy because that 'village' was basically made up of women who didn't leave the home to work - it's not that we don't care about each other anymore!!)
Making community happen and showing up for it over the long haul takes hope, sacrifice & commitment. I'm heartened to see that so many of us might be up for that!
I love the phrase "This is ancient human technology". It's so good that you are building "alterkin".
I’m so interested in what you’re building with Alterkin. The way you describe care in the background and the practical realities of who opens the door, who notices when someone doesn’t show up, feels very real. I think many of us without children carry that 3am question quietly and don’t say it out loud. I love the emphasis on moving slowly and building trust locally instead of trying to outsource belonging. I’m curious what has surprised you most as the circle has begun to take shape.
Excellent piece
Interesting how this popped into my email just as I was speaking about this with my therapist today who also has no children. It is such a relief talking to someone who gets it. She is now 80 and starting to put things into place having asked this question over the years: who will be there for me? I have started question this as well recently with the death of my mother and a dear friend. Where am I now? What will happen to me? I cared for Mum for years and was there for her in the last 10 years of her life when she was in a wonderful residential facility. It annoys me when friends say 'oh, I don't won't to be a burden to my children.' But don't know how to answer when I ask ' well who will be there for you?' Your friends? Neighbours? No response to that. I love what you are creating in Ireland. It has me thinking. Thank you for wisdom and sharing your experiences.
Truly I am an idiot! I stumbled upon your story without bothering to see who you are or what your platform is. It all makes sense now. A comment like mine while perhaps part of the conversation is probably NOT part of the conversation as you represent a network that you intentionally formed to represent a specific group of people and I can see how it sounded like O was offering a rebuttal ? or something. anyway my apologies for seeing it all very out of context text. I see some humor in this and will soon delete all this if I am able! And thank you.
Our exchange has been a very growthful experience for me today. Thank you for taking the time to share with me, and to challenge my response to your share x
What a wonderful and generous thing to say. I have appreciated all of this too and it has made me think. I’d say in a month of constant turmoil on all human fronts our exchange has been a redemptive and meaningful one-- a meeting of the hearts and minds perhaps. anything that is unifying these days is such a positive!! especially when it comes out of a bit of conscious wrestling (??) on both parts ..or rather from a willingness and wisdom etc. Go us. Have learned a lot too. Thank you.
My daughter has informed me it will be my son n law "changing (your) diapers". I'm not feeling having kids gives any kind of immunity.
That's a hard thing to hear... I'm so sorry. Preparing for old age is something we all need to be proactive about it seems. Big hugs, Jody x
that is such an important question. People don’t understand how scary it feels. I am told that they don’t want to burden their children. Or their children are estranged from them or live in other areas of the world. I don’t find that helpful at all. In fact, it hurts and I feel dismissed.
The 'I don't want to burden my children' comment is so very unhelpful, isn't it?! My follow-up question to that is, 'So what are your alternative plans?' Also, devastating as estrangement can be, there is a possibility (however remote) of reconnection (maybe the needs of an elderly parent might even create that possibility?), and geographical distances can be crossed. But for those of us without children, or whose children have died, or have adult care needs of their own--we KNOW that there is no possible circumstance where support from adult children might one day come our way; we feel the rawness of that vulnerability in an unmediated way.
And yet, whilst I've learned from reading the comments here how many parents feel that they cannot/should not rely on their children to be there for them later, it will be interesting to see if they feel the same visceral need to create something else, in the way that we do...
I guess too that what I'm hearing (and deeply resonate with) is how you are not being heard in these encounters, that your pain and concern are being diminished with a sort of 'Oh, your situation's not as bad as you think...' It reminds me of the many 'helpful' (not!) remarks of a similar nature I've had around my childlessness over the years, particularly the 'oh, children aren't all they're cracked up to be, you know' or 'here, have one of mine...'
Sometimes, our capacity to really listen to each other, and not to shut down another person's pain, seems so very rare. This is not to judge; I've done it myself, it's very human. I hope that with every passing year, and as I continue to be humbled by life's lessons, I too can learn to listen ever more deeply, feel more fully and be more present.
Sending hugs across the planet to you. With love, Jody x
Hugs received and sent back to you from the other side of the world.
What a great response back. I must keep that in mind. Because no matter what they do have children. And yes, they may come back in the end. We can’t rely on friends as they have their own parents or needs to be met. Something my partner used to say to me - you have friends.
It is amazing that we get the same responses, no matter where we are in the world. This is why we need, as you well know, to keep these conversations going. So we feel heard, seen, and our fear is real and be accepted.
Seeing Mum in care for a decade made me realise having family around is so important. To come and visit. See to things. Ensure she was getting what she needed (mostly she did). Apparently 60% of people don’t get one visitor in a year. That is so sad.
When I say who will help me if I have a stroke or break a hip, etc, I am told I am being negative. So I can’t win. It hurts.
Hello also from Ireland. What a great piece & great initiative- be proud of even trying to get this off the ground. The whole piece and the comments are full of wisdom. I moved back to Ireland, single and childless, after globe-trotting, 10 years ago and pretty much immediately got serious complications from long standing chronic illnesses. It has turned my life upside down- work was my everything including social life and it has been completely eliminated. My core friends and family are all married with children and working full time and have their own social needs, obviously, I.e. super busy. I’ve made new friends literally from hospital stays and while we try to be there for each other, illness makes it very difficult. I found myself in hospital with no visitors many times, and note the vulnerability of my room mates and others that get hit sideways when much younger. It’s been an eye opener, and some of that has been my realisation of my own reluctance to ask for help and visits etc, and people are just busy, but after being a social butterfly the last year of this 10 years in particular have highlighted how socially isolated you get very quickly when so unable the majority of time. I regularly think of how to build support networks when I can barely commit to something like a lunch the next day, never mind bigger social events. I wanted to write this to highlight it’s not just about age, although that is the most common reason, but that vulnerability can come at any age and it always good to provide and give the support when you can. Also grown-up conversations are essential about expectations from family members, especially when maybe families have burnt out already from previous care-giving.
Dear Nic - I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with isolation due to chronic health needs. It's a harsh eye-opener for sure, and one that I think many chronically ill people shared during the pandemic. And yes, it's hard to 'build community' whilst on the move... It's rooted in proximity, repeated low-stakes interactions, gradual intimacy and reciprocity. None of which can be rushed, and all of which require some members of your community to have some 'slack' in their lives to be there to support others.
Modernity and capitalism have eaten that 'slack' (what used to be called 'the village'!) and now we have to claw it back by compromise and the vulnerability of learning to ask for support... repeatedly.
I think your point about not being able to form a support network when you cannot make any commitments right now highlights something very important (about the capitalist mindset) that we must have something 'to give' before we can 'receive'. But what if just being willing to receive and trusting in our inherent worthiness could be an alternative? That's how humans take care of each other... we were all born 'needy' and we will all need care at some point in our lives again too, no matter how 'independent' we are.
Where in Ireland are you? Hugs, Jody x
I love this idea Jody, especially as someone who doesn’t have family who would also help in this instance. I have a husband, but of course you can’t plan for them being there either. I would really like to do something similar and like the idea that it’s inter generational. I have always gravitated to people older than me as friends, partly because I was missing the influence of a role model. Im really going to think about how I can make it happen. Thank you for spreading the joy.
I love the idea that this is 'spreading the joy'! Thank you Louise and I look forward to hearing how it goes. x
There's so much truth in what you write - thank you for your openness and honesty on this subject. I admit I am 'quietly terrified', after years of supporting my mother through Alzheimer's, seeing just how much my sister, brother, sister-in-law and I had to do for her - all those little things you mention, working out why the phone wasn't working, getting the shopping in, trying to co-ordinate health and social care when the system is on its knees, finding a good care home when the time came, clearing out and selling her home to pay for it, etc. It nearly broke me, and then I had to begin the whole process of supporting myself through various health issues (again, with the broken health service to contend with). So I would like to think an Alterkin community could work, and I feel the deep challenges too, as my friends and I all age and become less able. I look forward to reading more.
Absolutely Linda - when we come up against the daily challenges when caring for others, or ourselves, it really brings home how fragile the whole pack of cards is... and how few good options there are for us as we age, or find ourselves needing support. Alterkin isn't an 'easy' option, but I'm hopeful it could bring many benefits along with the challenges...
Such beautiful ideas in this post. I've been a therapist for nearly 20 years and have done a lot of work with clients who don't have children or are estranged from their offspring. Others have a loving family but they live on a different continent. The proposal of an Alterkin Community sounds great for practical support but also for connection and assistance with managing loneliness. Not sure if you've written a book on this topic but, for what it's worth, I think it is an excellent idea to share, and one that could bring a sense of comfort and hope to a lot of people.
Thank you for your appreciation and support! Yes, this is an issue that touches so many of us humans trying to plan for and/or navigate old age in a broken world. I hope to write a book about this one day, when the concept has baked enough to be usefully shared. And until then, I’ll be sharing it as we bake it, here on Substack :) x
Hi Jody, this post gave me so much food for thought. Might you be free to talk to me for an article on this topic for the I newspaper in the UK? I'll send you a DM too. Thanks for your work. Marianne
Hi Marianne - I’ve responded by DM. Thank you for reaching out x
There is much irony... we are where we are -in many senses- because we chose to support my mother-in-law through her latter years because her other options were very limited, and we did to the best of our ability until the day she died earlier this year after a year or so in aged care. My father, 5 hours away had more network theoretically, but our idea of relocating came initially after he went into aged care so we could support him as his network frayed, however he died mid June. I have an aunt who had no children of her own in her 70's with a decade older husband locally I would like to support but am also looking at our own future should we have one. I'd like to live a bit before I die hopefully in my sleep at home where none what I'm currently worrying about everything comes to fruition. You have created a very good topic, awareness and discussion.
Yes, finding the balance of 'living a bit' whilst also trying to factor in the known-unknowns of our own ageing process, all taking place against a backdrop of economic and systemic collapse... it's HARD! Big hugs, Jody x
Jody, your newsletter caught my attention as I am a "childless" woman. It was a choice my late husband and I made before we got married. We were both active duty military and new that by trying to be good parents and professional people, one or the other would suffer. We realized we wouldn't have children to "take care" of us in our old age, but at the time my husband's grandmother who had 12 children was living a nursing home. There are no guarantees that adult children will or can take care of their elderly parents.
Just this week a dear friend of mine passed away, just three months after her husband had died. She has a son and two stepsons that live out of state. Her son had been with her for the month prior to her passing helping her at home but it became clear she needed to be hospitalized. Her son then returned home and sadly my friend's health declined quickly. Fortunately I was here and was able to be with her everyday in the hospital and eventually help her transition to hospice care where she passed after only two days. My point being, she had children but in the end they couldn't be with her.
To help myself prepare for a time when I might need help, I purchased Long Term Care Insurance. It is VERY expensive and I realize not everyone can afford it. I'm blessed to have two wonderful sisters and many amazing friends, that I know I can turn to should I need help. Thankfully, I won't be uncomfortable to reach out to them if and when the time comes.
I think it's wonderful that you've created this community around you for this very purpose. I think you have given your readers lots to think about and you've given them hope as well!
Indeed, having children is no 'insurance' for old age... yet as I write in the article, many do unconsciously treat it as such, which may/may not turn out well for them, but can often place huge obligations on children, obligations they may not easily be able to meet without signifciant life, health, financial and other costs. I've been fascinated to see how many parents have responded to this thread, aware that this is something they need to do too (and CAN do, unlike preparing for the many known-unknowns of the aging process).
Long-term care insurance is indeed expensive, and is only available in a few countries (for example, not in Ireland, where I live). According to Wikipedia, it's sold in the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada and Germany. Even then, it does have pretty strict rule on 'what' it will provide, and many of the 'little tasks' that enable independent living (like maintaining the car, sorting out the wifi, fixing the boiler when it breaks down) would not fall under its provision. That's why having willing, local and available support from people who care (like your sisters and friends) could be vital.
One potential problem with that (not knowing their ages) is that our friends and siblings (if we have them) are often close in age to us, and may have challenges of their own around aging.
I'm glad my piece has offered both lots to think about and a new kind of hope too. Creating our local Alterkin, even though it's still at its very early stages, has given me a new kind of hope too.
Perfectly explained Jody!
Thanks Ali! x
Your words really hit the spot! We're considering relocating to the small town where I grew up because it's big on community [and also has a very good residential aged care home]. For too many reasons [including some things changed and other things we thought would change didn't] the village and its people where we've spent the last 20 years building our life no longer appears to be fit-for-future-purpose. My husband has kids & grandkids who live elsewhere, we have other family around but neither are or are able to be particularly/practically supportive [note to parents!] ... kids/grandkids are [too] busy now so no point assuming otherwise in the future. I don't have kids, my husband is ten years older than me, so there are many scenarios where making our own arrangements is relevant. I'll be following along, I'm interested in future articles and comments. Thank you.
Very few people have the bandwidth to be there for their parents as they age these days - late-stage capitalism, intensive parenting, long commutes, geographical mobility, side-hustles to make ends meet, chronic health conditions, and lord knows what else has eaten the 'slack' in so many people's lives. So, hoping that children (or grandchildren) might be able to support/accompany their parents in old age is simply not a wise plan anymore!
Although 'Alterkin' is an 'idea' for those who have no children (and so will never be able to 'hope' it works out somehow), I've seen in the comments that many parents are curious to embrace it too.
We all know we 'need community'. (Or that 'village' that people go on about, which makes me crazy because that 'village' was basically made up of women who didn't leave the home to work - it's not that we don't care about each other anymore!!)
Making community happen and showing up for it over the long haul takes hope, sacrifice & commitment. I'm heartened to see that so many of us might be up for that!